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This is a different issue.. How long before you consider?


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Hi all, so I've been checking out this site for quite some time and I enjoy reading all the prudent advice given to others. I've been debating about writing about my situation because at the moment I feel I'm at a standstill with my boyfriend. Well here goes.. Some background: I live in US; bf lives in UK.. We met online through a game "Scramble with Friends". We began messaging over the holidays- November. I knew nothing of his age or what he looked like. I fell for his personality and sense of humor. We began talking in January and decided to meet in person in April. We met again in June. So about 6 months together..

I'm in school which I probably won't finish for another year or 2. (Finishes at your pace) The only thing keeping him in the UK is his kids, so we may be looking at another 2 years anyway, once they get older and move on. I wanted to start studying to be a vet in the US, although I could be flexible and study there if he really wanted to be with his kids. The only way for him to enter the US would be through marriage as I don't think there would be a job that would sponsor him in the home health job field.

I still hold some old fashion views on courtship and such so I feel marriage means committing for the long haul, even if it means while still learning about my partner after marriage, good or bad qualities. I still have the feeling we may never really get to know each other with only a few visits set for the future. It's frustrating because it's like you're forced to marry(even though I know when he asks it'll be because we want to consummate the relationship so to speak, not just to move in together) but at the same time I'm impatient because I love being with him. I can see us spending the rest of our lives together and we know we are perfect for each other in every way. So I question since I don't know a whole lot on making long distance relationships work. Is it too early to be considering anything? If so, what is a reasonable amount of time? Any other advice or comments are appreciated!

Thanks!! :D

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How old are you and how old is he? You are still in school which would suggest you are in your early 20s max. He has kids who are about to leave home, so that would make him 35 at least. Are you sure you have the same intentions (marriage)? Is he as serious about you as you are about him? Did he come to meet you in the US? Or did you do all the traveling?

 

I have kids myself and it is not something to take lightly, being in the US is a long way away from them since he lives in the UK. They may be over 18 soon but they will still need their dad and their dad will need to be around when they need him. As he ever said he would be willing to move to the US and leave them behind or is this you making assumptions?

 

Try to spend more time together, get to know his family, see if he is as invested in this relationship as you are, talk in great length about both your expectations and go from there.

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In addition to what TAV has said, asked, I don't get the sense that you do know him that well at all. You've only met twice, right? LDRs are tough enough, but to consider all that you are with someone that you've only met 2x seems extreme.

 

You say that you believe in courtship, but right now, it's hardly that at all. Consider all of the financial, cultural, employment, education factors. Who is making the sacrifices. Where is he living? Alone or with family? Is he financially stable? Again, did he fly to you? SO many questions w/ no answers and WAY TOO SOON to talk about marriage.

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How old are you and how old is he? You are still in school which would suggest you are in your early 20s max. He has kids who are about to leave home, so that would make him 35 at least. Are you sure you have the same intentions (marriage)? Is he as serious about you as you are about him? Did he come to meet you in the US? Or did you do all the traveling?

 

I have kids myself and it is not something to take lightly, being in the US is a long way away from them since he lives in the UK. They may be over 18 soon but they will still need their dad and their dad will need to be around when they need him. As he ever said he would be willing to move to the US and leave them behind or is this you making assumptions?

 

Try to spend more time together, get to know his family, see if he is as invested in this relationship as you are, talk in great length about both your expectations and go from there.

 

This was my fear in putting ages down because I'd be judged it's not a real relationship because of the age gap we have. I'm 20 and he is 43. It's the weirdest thing but amazing to find someone perfect, then to find out their age. It shows age is nothing but a number (sometimes!) Our first visit I suggested we meet and he flew to meet me. We looked at both options but he decided to come to me. Funny we were looking for the best thing to do when he got here and we ended up talking so much together and feeling so comfortable that since he's never been on a cruise we decided to do that! Everyone thought I was nuts to go on a 9 day cruise with someone I've never truly met but I could tell he was genuine. We talked daily (even got to hear how he sleeps), I met his kids over the phone, many pictures. Our personalities truly clicked. As I've said we talked before even knowing respective ages and he honestly thought I was older. I'm quite mature for my age. I sort of had to be, losing a lot of family at an early age. He tells me all the time that I'm not like most people at my age. I don't want the same things say my cousin would want and she's 22.. She wants to go out and have fun, drink, party, etc. That doesn't interest me. I want to become a Vet and travel the world.

 

Now since reading this site and getting some of my answers, I told him about it. First, I'm quite old fashioned and a Christian. I feel marriage and commitment should come before sex. He loves that about me, my values. Says I have good willpower. We've talked about marriage and he's practical of course coming from a 12 year marriage. He does believe in being married and committed without divorce like his parents. So he's cautious because he feels he married his ex wife too quickly without enough compatibility. Although we've been intimate, he does know it's important to me. He says let's continue the visits we have planned to get to know each other better. I have no problem marrying and being long distance. He doesn't so he's said he thought I would want to wait until after my current school.. (1-2 years from now) So basically if I was able to move to the UK now everything would be okay. I still would rather study for Veterinary school in the US since overseas it's more relaxed then our competitiveness here. We've talked about it seriously and he says at this moment his kids, mainly his boy needs him and that it will have to be at least 2 years once his son turn 16 yrs old, maybe then he'll have his own friends and be more inclined to hang out with them then 'dad'. I've never had kids (don't really want them) so obviously I don't know it all but I can understand they would mean a lot to him. So I'd be willing to study in the UK.

In the UK at 16 years old they go to college. His kids are more there mother's child. They may hang out with him on Saturdays, but his daughter comes to him a lot when she wants money. They've been spoiled because at first they threatened not to see him if he ever tried to discipline them.. This is why he said he had no problems moving to the US, just not right now. I get it because I do see that his kids are happy to see him regardless. So any advice on the kids aspects would help too. Thanks again!

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In addition to what TAV has said, asked, I don't get the sense that you do know him that well at all. You've only met twice, right? LDRs are tough enough, but to consider all that you are with someone that you've only met 2x seems extreme.

 

You say that you believe in courtship, but right now, it's hardly that at all. Consider all of the financial, cultural, employment, education factors. Who is making the sacrifices. Where is he living? Alone or with family? Is he financially stable? Again, did he fly to you? SO many questions w/ no answers and WAY TOO SOON to talk about marriage.

 

Okay so for my second trip to him I came to the UK. I met all of his family in one go, as it was a gathering for his father's 80th birthday party. They all were respectful and very welcoming to me. I have thought about all of those questions and we've discussed a lot of it. Currently I know where he works, what he makes, where he lives and why, & his financial situation.

Basically, he made a mistake upon divorcing his wife because she gave him the same sad story/excuse "it's for your kids". He helped her get a house and she promised to give him the money back upon moving again and selling. That seems unlikely to happen as she is very adamant she deserves it for her kids. She constantly complains she has no money but is always shopping or going out with friends. He said he was shocked by it all and he sort of dug his head in the sand instead of fighting.. (She literally wrote him a letter to divorce him and then left on a vacation they had planned! So cruel! & she didn't say anything of no longer loving him until that moment which is what shocked him the most.) I know the small amount of debt he has and we've discussed options on how to get him out of his friend/roommates home. & to rent his own.. It's really expensive to rent where he works so he's saving before he moves.. To make it worse, I bought a few tickets, screwed up my finances a tad. So I have another trip planned in Oct or Nov and because I payed for my last trip (just lodging and airfare, he payed for a lot once I was there) and he feels since he is my bf, he should pay. Which I feel bad about because that's going to hinder his saving efforts.. We've talked about all of this of course.

I've got another trip planned sometime early next year and then he's coming to me for my 21st birthday and to meet all of my family at our annual family reunion in July. By the way, he met my mom briefly on his first visit to the US, before our cruise.

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Ok to start with the age thing is a problem for other people, you just have to put up with these ignorant people. At the end of the day if you are both happy, then that's all that matters. What I would say is that you need to finish studying in US as the curriculum is absolutely different to here in the UK. Yes, you might not like that answer, but it will also give you extra time to determine who is the best one to close the distance.

 

To get in either country UK or US is not childs play and the process is long. So good luck with whichever path you take.

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Ok to start with the age thing is a problem for other people, you just have to put up with these ignorant people. At the end of the day if you are both happy, then that's all that matters. What I would say is that you need to finish studying in US as the curriculum is absolutely different to here in the UK. Yes, you might not like that answer, but it will also give you extra time to determine who is the best one to close the distance.

 

To get in either country UK or US is not childs play and the process is long. So good luck with whichever path you take.

 

Thanks! I appreciate your comment! I always have that feeling that I should finish studying. I do my best to ignore all the negative comments I get because I have such a great relationship that most people will never experience in their life! Again thanks for the advice! :)

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Since you ask for advice on the kids thing. I'm sure he would play that aspect down to you. Tell you they are more their mother's children etc. not to alarm you. I think when push comes to shove he will have a lot of trouble leaving them behind; if not because he'll feel like his arm is being ripped off it will be because of social pressure from extended family, friends etc. He is leaving his kid behind, who is still his legal responsibility at 16, to shack up halfway across the world with a girl only 4 years her senior.

 

And from my POV since you are the one without children you should at least consider moving to the UK till the kids are able to stand on their own two feet. Going off to college at 16 does not make you an adult; you still need you parent's guidance. Or were you completely independent already at 16? Kids from the UK are no different than kids from the US or anywhere in the Western world.

 

I'm sure you have found that special person when you say so. I'm not against the age thing or anything but I do think it would be selfish of you to expect him to see so little of his kids at that age already. On the other hand it would also be selfish of him to destroy your professional future because he wants to have you near; I'm not sure if that is the case here but I think he also has a responsibility there.

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Since you ask for advice on the kids thing. I'm sure he would play that aspect down to you. Tell you they are more their mother's children etc. not to alarm you. I think when push comes to shove he will have a lot of trouble leaving them behind; if not because he'll feel like his arm is being ripped off it will be because of social pressure from extended family, friends etc. He is leaving his kid behind, who is still his legal responsibility at 16, to shack up halfway across the world with a girl only 4 years her senior.

 

And from my POV since you are the one without children you should at least consider moving to the UK till the kids are able to stand on their own two feet. Going off to college at 16 does not make you an adult; you still need you parent's guidance. Or were you completely independent already at 16? Kids from the UK are no different than kids from the US or anywhere in the Western world.

 

I'm sure you have found that special person when you say so. I'm not against the age thing or anything but I do think it would be selfish of you to expect him to see so little of his kids at that age already. On the other hand it would also be selfish of him to destroy your professional future because he wants to have you near; I'm not sure if that is the case here but I think he also has a responsibility there.

 

Tav, thank you for your honest opinion. You give me a lot to think about. That's something I questioned about him, is his downplaying our distance dilemma? It saddens me because I want him to be honest about these things and he tries not to hurt me. I'm glad he cares. I try to watch how I react to his opinions so he doesn't feel like he has to hold things in, in order to keep me happy. Which is his motive for everything he does, to make me happy. I appreciate that but I want him to be happy as well! So thanks for opening my eyes.

 

Is that normal in men or even women? To feel they have to sugarcoat things to keep someone happy? I'll admit I'm not familiar with this as I've always liked others to share the ugly truth :laugh:

 

You're right, I'm sure most people aren't independent until at least mid 20's so I see your point. So from all you've said, I will truly consider moving there so he can be with his children.

Thanks so much !

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Tav, thank you for your honest opinion. You give me a lot to think about. That's something I questioned about him, is his downplaying our distance dilemma? It saddens me because I want him to be honest about these things and he tries not to hurt me. I'm glad he cares. I try to watch how I react to his opinions so he doesn't feel like he has to hold things in, in order to keep me happy. Which is his motive for everything he does, to make me happy. I appreciate that but I want him to be happy as well! So thanks for opening my eyes.

 

Is that normal in men or even women? To feel they have to sugarcoat things to keep someone happy? I'll admit I'm not familiar with this as I've always liked others to share the ugly truth :laugh:

 

You're right, I'm sure most people aren't independent until at least mid 20's so I see your point. So from all you've said, I will truly consider moving there so he can be with his children.

Thanks so much !

 

I think in general people who are afraid of losing someone because of something that they think - rightfully or wrongly - will be a problem, will sugarcoat things.

 

Good luck.

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I still hold some old fashion views on courtship and such so I feel marriage means committing for the long haul, even if it means while still learning about my partner after marriage, good or bad qualities.

 

How do you 'commit for the long haul' to a relationship that you do not truly know? 6 months of even a fully RL relationship would be rather short for marriage at 23, IMO. 6 months of a LDR with 2 visits would probably not be the best idea...

 

I don't think it's too early to be 'considering anything'. By all means stay in the relationship and plan visits if you want to. But hold off on the marriage and moving til you get to know him better (and til you graduate). If you two were truly meant to be, you would survive a couple years of distance.

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I think in general people who are afraid of losing someone because of something that they think - rightfully or wrongly - will be a problem, will sugarcoat things.

 

Good luck.

 

I had a feeling about that as well. That's why I wanted to talk about it and get a better understanding of how it truly would affect us before I bring it into discussion with him.. How can I express to him that I respect his opinions more than his willingness to essentially lie about his feelings?

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How do you 'commit for the long haul' to a relationship that you do not truly know? 6 months of even a fully RL relationship would be rather short for marriage at 23, IMO. 6 months of a LDR with 2 visits would probably not be the best idea...

 

I don't think it's too early to be 'considering anything'. By all means stay in the relationship and plan visits if you want to. But hold off on the marriage and moving til you get to know him better (and til you graduate). If you two were truly meant to be, you would survive a couple years of distance.

 

 

Okay I get your point.. He feels the exact same way as you do. At the moment we have 3 more visits scheduled (more will be plan later I'm sure) and as I said in my previous posts.. Nothing serious would probably happen for another 2 years once I graduate. He has said to me in the past to wait to marry until after I graduate as well. So it's clear it's the right thing to do to wait and I respect this.

 

Thanks Elswyth!

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I had a feeling about that as well. That's why I wanted to talk about it and get a better understanding of how it truly would affect us before I bring it into discussion with him.. How can I express to him that I respect his opinions more than his willingness to essentially lie about his feelings?

 

I don't think there is really anything you can say to gain that trust. You will just have to prove to him that you are in this no matter what and won't run at the first hurdle. It takes time, I'm afraid. :)

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In the UK they call the final divorce decree the decree absolute. Ask him when he got his decree absolute -- month and year.

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In the UK they call the final divorce decree the decree absolute. Ask him when he got his decree absolute -- month and year.

 

Okay and when I get that answer what does it prove? Other than the divorce was final? Which I already trust to be the case.

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1) So, he said he's divorced. Let him show you the papers.

 

2) I didn't get what happened next. Did he continue living in the family home, she moved out, and he bought her a house?

Or did he move out and she kept the family home he's now paying for?

 

3) He told you she feels he owes her a house. You only heard his version of the story, you need to hear the other side of the story. I mean, if you want to be a vet, you must have a scientific approach on things, don't you? I understand you trust him, but maybe she has good motives. Don't see the evil in her and the angel in him.

 

4) Anyway, now he's living with roommates, has wife and kids digging for his money, so I guess he's kind of broke. No wonder he'd happily relocate to the US with a younger wife. How much does he make?

 

5) To TAV, she's 5 to 6 years older than his son. What about the daughter? How old is she?

 

6) Do you get along well with the children? Wherever the two of you might end up living, they'd be visiting now and then. Do you know how to handle a teenager from a parent's side? I guess you have no idea, because you are biologically too young for that. You'd have to work hard to achieve an adult role in their eyes. In some countries, you'd start being legal next year.

 

7) Is he treating you like his peer? Does he ask for advice? Or is he acting more like a father with you? Being protective and nurturing?

 

8) I'm a bit confused about you talking about being old-fashioned, having Christian values, but having sex with him, apparently the second time you saw each other? Can you explain this better? This is in no way meant for judgement, just to understand you better.

 

9) Are you the nerd type? How many boyfriends did you have? How many guys did you date?

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1) So, he said he's divorced. Let him show you the papers.

 

Alright. I go to see him in October or Nov so I may ask then.

 

2) I didn't get what happened next. Did he continue living in the family home, she moved out, and he bought her a house?

Or did he move out and she kept the family home he's now paying for?

 

They sold their family home and the money that they should have split they did not. He lent her some of it, which she told him she'd return it when she sold her new home. On a side note she's now planning to sell her house. Apparently when he went there, there was a for sale sign for their address but she still hasn't said anything to him.

 

3) He told you she feels he owes her a house. You only heard his version of the story, you need to hear the other side of the story. I mean, if you want to be a vet, you must have a scientific approach on things, don't you? I understand you trust him, but maybe she has good motives. Don't see the evil in her and the angel in him.

 

He told me she feels he owes her anything really, just because it's for his kids..

When I was last with him in June, we went to see his daughter's award show for her film class in her college. I can't say I actually got to meet his ex wife though because she was completely rude and would not be introduced. She whispered to her son that she didn't want me and bf to sit anywhere near her! So I can judge that aspect of her character.. She proved to be quite full of herself while there just as he'd said as well.

 

Agreed, I wouldn't judge until I actually saw for myself..

 

4) Anyway, now he's living with roommates, has wife and kids digging for his money, so I guess he's kind of broke. No wonder he'd happily relocate to the US with a younger wife. How much does he make?

 

Perhaps that could be some aspect. But if you see from previous posts. He doesn't want to move to the US but he'd do it for me. He says he feels it is a big deal to up and move from everything he knows to go somewhere unfamiliar. & he was honest with me that he's a little scared compared to when he was younger and took risks. He loves his kids and wants to be with them so another reason he doesn't want to move.

Once we are truly committed and a few years down the line he'll be more comfortable with the move. He said he'd have to be sure he'd be guaranteed to make the same amount of money he makes now. He already has tried to placate me in claiming he would move "in at LEAST two years" because I want him to be with me but honestly he wants to be with his kids. So that's settled that I will most likely go to school in the UK.. He makes over 20k pounds a year. He told me it was somewhere around 10-11 pounds an hour I think and more if he does sleep ins which are in addition to his full time 40 hrs/week.

 

5) To TAV, she's 5 to 6 years older than his son. What about the daughter? How old is she?

She is 17. Son is 14.. I'm 20..

 

6) Do you get along well with the children? Wherever the two of you might end up living, they'd be visiting now and then. Do you know how to handle a teenager from a parent's side? I guess you have no idea, because you are biologically too young for that. You'd have to work hard to achieve an adult role in their eyes. In some countries, you'd start being legal next year.

 

I do get along with his children and they already see me as an adult. As I said I'm much more mature than most teens my age. His daughter took a liking to me instantly. We had movie nights on skype and talked. His son is a little more cautious and reserved at age 16.. During my last trip my bf had plans to see his father for his birthday party which was a little over a 2 hour drive from where he currently resides. At first he didn't want me to come to the UK at all during this time, due to him having his kids and thus being away from me for those 2 nights. (This was before I began getting along with them.) I said I'd be okay with it as it was better than not seeing him at all. He had talked to his son about me. (Saw my pic, bf was our messenger when he was over their house, etc.) So his son was beginning to warm to the idea. He asked if he'd be all right having me with them in the car and at first he was fine with it! But right before I got there (In the UK) he completely changed his mind (later to find out because of his mother). But my bf decided to test because he knew his child obviously. So I ended up going and I'm happy his son and I bonded even more. I noticed why he may have been hesitant with my bf's other exes and I shared that with my bf during the trip. At one point his son said something quietly to him during a convo in which we spoke almost at the same time but he spoke before me, quietly. I don't think my bf heard him but heard me and I noticed that when my bf tried to finish talking with me first, I could tell his son felt hurt by it. He'll never have to feel he can't talk or be himself with me there that's for sure. By the end of the trip this kid was talking to me about their cat and he is really shy! So I'm happy it all turned out well.

 

7) Is he treating you like his peer? Does he ask for advice? Or is he acting more like a father with you? Being protective and nurturing?

He treats me like I'm his girlfriend and his future wife every now and then. This contributed to me knowing I was truly falling in love with him because he does ask for advice a lot. I was going to say this after the money question but it applies here as well. I've seen him grow a ton since we've been together. He's good with creating budgets and has learned from his mistakes. Gives me advice from time to time for the good of my future as well. Despite this he still didn't have too much of a thoroughly laid out plan of moving out from his roommate/ friend's home. But daily we've worked together on the plan and his options and now he's begun saving a lot more and no longer spending soo much on his kids (out to eat wise. Not the necessities.) & now we're at the point where he should be into his own apartment before the arrival of my next visit (so I can stay with him for a month and a half this time over the holidays, which is exciting!!) I'm really happy for him.

 

8) I'm a bit confused about you talking about being old-fashioned, having Christian values, but having sex with him, apparently the second time you saw each other? Can you explain this better? This is in no way meant for judgement, just to understand you better.

Yeah I cannot really explain to be honest. I grew up having my faith and I ended up losing half of my family in a tragic accident that I also was injured in (which is why I'm behind in school). I still have faith and the principles that I have learned. But when it comes to me truly understanding my God, unfortunately I'm not at that stage in my relationship with him because I don't read about him!! This is why it is hard for me to comment any longer on my beliefs. Although they are still strong and I hope in the future to grow in them.

 

9) Are you the nerd type? How many boyfriends did you have? How many guys did you date?

 

I wouldn't say I'm nerd like. I can be outgoing.

I've only had one bf, we were friends for a few months then went out for probably less than 2 weeks when I confirmed my suspicions he just wanted to have "fun" meaning sex with me.

What does this say to you? Does this prove why I would be the only one interested in a man way older than me? I hope my previous words show it's his personality and our connection.

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8) I'm a bit confused about you talking about being old-fashioned, having Christian values, but having sex with him, apparently the second time you saw each other? Can you explain this better? This is in no way meant for judgement, just to understand you better.

 

 

Also I feel I should add that it wasn't necessarily only that it was the second time I saw him. We had talked and communicated loads before than so it was a normal progression.. :love:

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American Beauty comes to mind...

 

I know love is blind, but you could be his daughter. So you should understand his ex-wife (if they're divorced already, otherwise she's still his wife) feeling uncomfortable around you.

 

Regarding the sale of the house: he said they didn't split equally. Trust me on this, there's always a reason for that. I know someone who moved out of home and left the house to his wife and kid, though he would have been entitled to half of it. So to keep the house, she should have given him 50% of its value. But he cheated on her, she felt she had all the rights in the world, and the deal was: you get the full house and all is in it, and won't ask for any more money. Now, I don't think he's so stupid to sell a house and give her money without a written paper. Come on. Who would do that. A separation/divorce can turn into a "War of the Roses". You never really know how bad/bitter/nasty it's going to be. Who would risk losing one's money like that? So I don't fully buy this story. I guess he didn't share the whole story. And again, you could only know the whole truth by talking to his wife. Because the children wouldn't know certain things anyway.

 

Regarding your answer #8, it was rather confusing, quite rambling.

 

My 9th question was meant to understand if he was your first boyfriend. He's not. So I guess it's fine. Though you only had 1 bf and it lasted 2 weeks. I'm not sure if we could call it a relationship.

 

Age is a number. OK. But time will tell if it's a serious thing and if it can last. Now it's a bit premature.

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American Beauty comes to mind...

 

I know love is blind, but you could be his daughter. So you should understand his ex-wife (if they're divorced already, otherwise she's still his wife) feeling uncomfortable around you.

 

Regarding the sale of the house: he said they didn't split equally. Trust me on this, there's always a reason for that. I know someone who moved out of home and left the house to his wife and kid, though he would have been entitled to half of it. So to keep the house, she should have given him 50% of its value. But he cheated on her, she felt she had all the rights in the world, and the deal was: you get the full house and all is in it, and won't ask for any more money. Now, I don't think he's so stupid to sell a house and give her money without a written paper. Come on. Who would do that. A separation/divorce can turn into a "War of the Roses". You never really know how bad/bitter/nasty it's going to be. Who would risk losing one's money like that? So I don't fully buy this story. I guess he didn't share the whole story. And again, you could only know the whole truth by talking to his wife. Because the children wouldn't know certain things anyway.

 

Regarding your answer #8, it was rather confusing, quite rambling.

 

My 9th question was meant to understand if he was your first boyfriend. He's not. So I guess it's fine. Though you only had 1 bf and it lasted 2 weeks. I'm not sure if we could call it a relationship.

 

Age is a number. OK. But time will tell if it's a serious thing and if it can last. Now it's a bit premature.

 

I could be his daughter because I am younger than him?

 

I can understand feeling uncomfortable.. But I still don't see where lack of respect is acceptable. If two people are together and happy it really shouldn't be such a big deal.

 

About the money situation.. I'll take your heed for the future but I believe his story because I'm the one who was able to hear him when he told me. He was blindsided and crushed. Imagine you having a family one day and excited for a new trip, then come home to find your family gone with just a note from your wife stating she no longer loves you. He is really honest with me about everything so it is quite hard to believe he would lie about that, or a possible infidelity even. But neither of us can truly know and only time will tell.

 

I know it sounds unbelievable but I've actually heard a couple people on this website, plus elsewhere about British men doing this exact thing. (He's Welsh also) Leaving money to their ex. That's just how they are there. He told me he does regret it now but at the time he "sort of dug his head in the sand". He also had more money at the time from an inheritance so it wasn't going to drain him terribly to "loan" it to her. Not give.. Yet that wasn't in writing so that wasn't prudent.

In the future I'm sure we'll talk about it more. I would like to know more on the process and what they went through of course. But when I ask him he tells me what I want to know and if I wanted to know more he never has a problem answering.

 

We just had a talk tonight about something unrelated and he was telling me how in previous relationships with other women after his wife, he didn't want to offend them. But I explained I admire when he's honest with me and I do get offended when he doesn't tell me what he wants. Not just going along with what I want.. He has been hurt by so many, it's sad. So I get why he may have a confidence issue in that respect (which goes back to what I talked about with TAV)

 

So thanks for the advice. This all reassures what I knew must be. Patience :)

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