mortensorchid Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 I have been in two LDRs in my lifetime. The first was a messed up one, the second was done the right way. Here is some advice for everyone out there who is in right now as we speak or will be in one day: If you are not seeing each other at least once a month, you will tend to do a lot of fantasizing. You keep thinking that this person is wonderful (whoever they are or are not), that they live in some magic land where everything is perfect or better than what you have before you, that you are going to live happily ever after with them an not anyone around you, etc. And then when you are together, you are in this tremendous rush to have a good time and then hit the sack. Ultimately that ends up feeding the fantasy even further and hurting you. The other person also has to see you just as much as you do them, and that does not include emails or phone calls. Otherwise they are keeping their options open and they are trying to keep things as casual as possible. Eventually one of you will have to move if you want it to work. And, that decision has to be from the man who has to say "(Name) I want you to move to my city and be with me now, no more of this traveling." And, if he doesn't, then he doesn't. However, with all of that being said, there are good things about an LDR. There is no talk about want and need of space, balancing your work / personal / bf/gf time / friend time / etc. But, what happens is that you get too wrapped up in either one. Ultimately, I don't think an LDR is a good thing to be in for all of the above reasons, but the option for one will never go away. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 However, with all of that being said, there are good things about an LDR. There is no talk about want and need of space, balancing your work / personal / bf/gf time / friend time / etc. I've been in three LDRs and all of the above (in the part I have quoted) was a huge problem in two of them so I wouldn't 'count' on these things never being an issue in any LDR. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I've been in three LDRs and all of the above (in the part I have quoted) was a huge problem in two of them so I wouldn't 'count' on these things never being an issue in any LDR. Agreed - there is always a need for a balance IMO. Just because you're in a LDR doesn't mean you don't or can't spend any time together. I'm not sure I agree with what the 'biggest' issue that the OP mentioned is, either. For sure, 'living in fantasy' can be a problem, especially for newer LDRs. But for longer-term LDRs where you have already spent significant time together IRL, IMO one of the biggest issues is that the distance tends to wear on you. You don't get to spend most celebrations or occasions together. You don't get to enjoy physical intimacy or date nights, or something as simple as having a weekend brunch together. You don't get to talk issues through in person. All of this exacerbates existing problems, and takes its toll on you after some time. Sure all of this can be overcome with communication, perseverance, and dedication, but I'd rate this to be the biggest 'issue' with LDRs. I've had two LDRs - one that failed after about 10 months of distance, and my second (current) one where we were LD for 2 years, and reunited 4 years ago (still together). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Why does it have to be the man's decision?! Men move as much as women in LDR's. And, that decision has to be from the man who has to say "(Name) I want you to move to my city and be with me now, no more of this traveling." And, if he doesn't, then he doesn't. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Why does it have to be the man's decision?! Men move as much as women in LDR's. Right. Plus it would be quite inconsiderate of the man to say that. I'd like to think that most adults in a healthy R actually sit down and have a discussion about who moves, and why, and how... not "I want you to move now." At least, that's how we did it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hmmm, sorry mortensorchid, but I disagree with your entire post! Kiwi man and I are in a very happy, very successful, long term LDR - five year anniversary coming up. Our relationship is a 'marriage' to both of us and, although we haven't actually tied the knot yet (for legal and practical reasons) we live our lives as though we're married. We are apart for several months at a time and talk on Skype for two hours every day - except when he works night shift and can only manage ten minutes from sheer exhaustion. When we see each other it's for anywhere between one month and four months, depending on his work contracts. We always excited to see each other, of course, but, after the initial reunion and physical re-bonding, we just live a normal 'married' life together. We have no immediate plans to move to be together permanently, for practical and financial reasons and, although it's not ideal, there is no way either of us is going anywhere. Eventually, maybe in about ten years, I will move over to him but we still intend to travel back and forth even then. Over the years we've had plenty of talk about personal space and balancing work, friendships, family and each other. I think that's an essential part of building a relationship for the longer term. I realise our situation is perhaps unusual and we consider ourselves to be very lucky in the relationship we've built together (and apart) but, I just wanted to share for the benefit of anyone who is considering an LDR and may be put off by the OP in this thread. All LDRs are different. I've had two before this - the first one ended in a fourteen year relationship (married), the second one, with the same guy, ended in divorce. Some work out some don't. I would say, if you meet someone you think is worth the effort, go for it! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zeurich Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I can understand your feelings but it is not applicable for every one I know some of my friends who had LDR and got married and still together. But yes it is depend on each other. Link to post Share on other sites
BridgetGrey Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I been in one and I'm never going there again EVER. Yes my ex was not the relationship material I gathered and his lack of communication factored in a lot. However, for me I saw the sparks dying down after we met I knew Skype and phone calls and messages will be pale and man its like after you get to touch the person u don't wanna let go. long distance is like being in love with a fantasy that tortures you often. I think it can work if both sides are committed to ending the distance and being in the same place though. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Kiwi man and I are in a very happy, very successful, long term LDR - five year anniversary coming up. Wow, 5 years. How time flies, I still recall when you were posting here at the beginning of it! You and your man are incredibly strong, and have always been an inspiration to me. Happy anniversary to the two of you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Wow, 5 years. How time flies, I still recall when you were posting here at the beginning of it! You and your man are incredibly strong, and have always been an inspiration to me. Happy anniversary to the two of you! Thank you Els! It hasn't always been easy, but it's definitely been worth it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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