long distance relationship problems

[Jeandoojune]

I'm not sure how to start this,but let's explain the background.

My bf and I, both 28, are in a long distance relationship and by long distance I mean very long distance.

 

He's from Texas, while I'm from Slovenia, EU.

 

We've been officially seriously together since end of April, but are trying to find a way to be closer together and if possible to even live together.

 

He's trying really hard to find a job in EU or maybe a masters program to study there for few years until I finish my vet degree (only have 6 exams left) and I was also looking into ways to come live with him in Texas, since he already has a job and all.

 

The problem no1 is: he really hates this job and has been trying to find a better one for past 2 years and no luck and now he's been looking for jobs in EU, masters programs in EU and even in USA-nothing so far...

 

Problem no.2 is that we- by the contracts between EU and USA- can only stay together for 3 months in 6 months time, which means I can only visit him for 3 months and he can only visit me for 3 months ,too, unless we get some kind of a working, student or whatever kind of visa.

 

We really want to be together and eventually get married, but I'm not sure we want to do it right now just to suit the paperwork.

 

We know we want to spend the rest of our lives together just don't know how to manage our relationship or what to do to spend as much time together physically until we find a way to be together non stop or get married.

 

Does anyone has any advice about our situation or is marriage the only way to get us together. And even then we would need to decide where to live: EU or USA. WE said that whoever finds a better job (closer to dream job) the other one will move...

 

So please anyone in similar situation or with any idea how to get about this, I'd really appreciate your help.

 

 

KJ

[TMichaels]

Have you met this guy in person?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[d0nnivain]

Meet in person 1st before you start making marriage plans.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you met him yet?

 

If not, do so without any expectation of marriage yet. Get to know him - in real life - before fretting about a future together.

[soccerrprp]

Meet in person 1st before you start making marriage plans.

 

...get to know him and AFTER a reasonable of time, talk about living together even before marriage....or bridging the gap.

[Els]

Slovenian Visa - you will have to take a closer look at the partner visa specifically, but from a brief glance it appears to me that they also accept de facto partners. So you do not necessarily need to get married to bridge the gap.

 

That being said, I do agree that you should spend a substantial amount of time together IRL first before one of you makes such a move.

[K0203]

This is somewhat similar to my current situation and questions. Only I'm in US; bf in UK.. We met online in Dec, met in April. (& again in June) So about 6 months. Is that too early to be considering anything? I'm in school which I probably won't be finished for another year or 2. (Finishes at your pace) The only thing keeping him in the UK is his kids, so we may be looking at another 2 years anyway, once they get older and move on. I wanted to start studying to be a vet in the US, although I could be flexible and study there if he really wanted to be with his kids. The only way for him to enter the US would be through marriage as I don't think there would be a job that would sponsor him in the home health job field.

I still hold some old fashion views on courtship and such so I feel marriage means committing for the long haul, even if it means while still learning about my partner after marriage, good or bad. I still have the feeling we may never really get to know each other with only a couple visits set for the future. It's frustrating because it can appear like you're forced to marry(even though I know when he asks it'll be because we want to consummate the relationship so to speak, not just to move in together) but at the same time I'm impatient because I love being with him. I can see us spending the rest of our lives together and we know we are perfect for each other in every way. What can you do?

 

(This is a long speech, perhaps I should start another thread lol)

[GoBlue]

Thank you for sharing your story. Let's be clear about one thing, there are significant issues to overcome in this relationship. It's not that they can't be overcome but it's very difficult to determine your compatibility when you live on opposite sides of the world. Moving in together is not a good way to prepare for marriage because study after study shows that people who cohabitate before marriage have lower levels of marital satisfaction, higher levels of domestic abuse, and are more likely to get divorced. Marriage is a commitment and love is a choice. If you "know" that you want to be together for the rest of your life then what are you waiting for? Have you spoken with your family, a counselor, or a spiritual advisor about this situation? Have you guys ever even seen each other in person?

[Rinner]

Hi Jeandoojune,

 

I understand your situation and I'm in a similar one. I am in Canada and my bf is in America. We have been visiting each other once every 6 months (or less if we can afford it but it has been an average of 6 months) for 1-3 weeks depending on work/school.

 

We also think we want to get married in the future but want to make sure that we are compatible first. Since I have a stable job and he will be in school this fall we have plans for him to come spend the 3-4 months of summer living with me. We think we are a little young to get married at this point in time but after that time together I think we will not want to be apart and make the plunge (though likely not until he is done school for financial reasons).

 

I've seen some LDR couples do the work travel visa, but I don't know if America is a part of that program. It's a visa where you can work and travel anywhere in Canada, Europe and NewZealand for up to a year. You have to be under 30 to apply for it though. Maybe look into that to see if he qualifies?

 

Hope that helped,

Rin

[mikethemechanic]

Oho oops... I hope she responds back.

[Jeandoojune]

Thank you everyone for your response.

 

I wish this site had sent me any notifications on replies. I randomly checked on site now and saw how many of you answered.

 

It makes me feel so much better that I'm not the only one in this situation. I'll show your replies to my bf as soon as he comes home from work.

 

Yes. We're spending as much time together as we can.

 

Since he has a job, he could only visit me for 10 days in May and now ,coz I'm still a student, I flew to Texas and am spending time with him and his family until 20th of August. I flew in on 25th of June.

It has been really amazing to spend so much time with him and that we can actually spend some time building physical side of the relationship and talk in person.

 

His family is very nice to me and in a way they scare me how nice they are, because I expected more prejudice on their side as well as other friends of theirs I meet.

 

My bf is very unhappy in his job and I think he'll finally dump it in next few weeks and then try to find a better job or job he'd actually enjoy doing. He is trying really hard to find something closer to me, but with no luck...it's even hard to find a job while still having this lame job, coz he hasn't have time to really search, apply and maybe see some advisors on graduate school education or something.

 

He'll probably visit me in December and spend a month or so with me (if he won't get a new job or apply for school yet) or as many days he can get off of work.

 

Meanwhile my job will be to get my exams done and get my DVM degree by the end of this year-hopefully. We talked some about how to get closer together, but so far only marriage or some kind of a co-partnership is the only option, I guess.

 

I also think and feel that if we plan on moving in together and since we know this is it, we may as well get married, so I guess we should look into how you do that- they probably don't make it easy for us,do they?

 

Elswyth: Thank you for that advice. I'll look into it.

K0203: I feel the same way about marriage. Back in days they got married after knowing each other for just a few weeks, maximum of months and indeed you learn new thing about yourselves during marriage and try to make life together and make it all work.

I know my bf is the one and that's why I consider the marriage. Before ,in any of my relationship, I didn't even dream of it or think about it as an option. I guess I wasn't ready and my MR.Right came a bit later...I still make fun of him that he's a bit late to the party...almost left me to be an old maid.

I really understand how you feel and I hope you 2 get married asap and start living your lives together...As you said-I'm old fashioned ,too, and I want him to propose and do all the work a man is suppose to do. We may be talking about it, but he needs to do it right.

 

GoBlue: You gave me a good idea. I haven't spoke to any advisor as of yet. I guess I'll visit my friend, who is a monk (I'm Catholic), for advice, but I know-in a way- what he's going to say.We should get ready for marriage, decide, pray together and just do it. :)I know he's right and as a matter of fact we made it a habit (ever since I came to Texas) to pray together every evening and I think this is bringing us even closer.

 

Rinner: I actually heard about those 1 year work visas, but I don't think USA has it. I know one of my friends had it for Canada and she spent one marvelous year there at a organic farm. But I'll look into that..That's a great idea. Thank you <3

 

Mikethemechanic: I know,I know, I took a bit too long...I need to figure out where to click to get emails every time someone replies to one of my topics/posts.

 

 

KJ:bunny:

[K0203]

Thank you everyone for your response.

 

I wish this site had sent me any notifications on replies. I randomly checked on site now and saw how many of you answered.

 

It makes me feel so much better that I'm not the only one in this situation. I'll show your replies to my bf as soon as he comes home from work.

 

Yes. We're spending as much time together as we can.

 

Since he has a job, he could only visit me for 10 days in May and now ,coz I'm still a student, I flew to Texas and am spending time with him and his family until 20th of August. I flew in on 25th of June.

It has been really amazing to spend so much time with him and that we can actually spend some time building physical side of the relationship and talk in person.

 

His family is very nice to me and in a way they scare me how nice they are, because I expected more prejudice on their side as well as other friends of theirs I meet.

 

My bf is very unhappy in his job and I think he'll finally dump it in next few weeks and then try to find a better job or job he'd actually enjoy doing. He is trying really hard to find something closer to me, but with no luck...it's even hard to find a job while still having this lame job, coz he hasn't have time to really search, apply and maybe see some advisors on graduate school education or something.

 

He'll probably visit me in December and spend a month or so with me (if he won't get a new job or apply for school yet) or as many days he can get off of work.

 

Meanwhile my job will be to get my exams done and get my DVM degree by the end of this year-hopefully. We talked some about how to get closer together, but so far only marriage or some kind of a co-partnership is the only option, I guess.

 

I also think and feel that if we plan on moving in together and since we know this is it, we may as well get married, so I guess we should look into how you do that- they probably don't make it easy for us,do they?

 

Elswyth: Thank you for that advice. I'll look into it.

K0203: I feel the same way about marriage. Back in days they got married after knowing each other for just a few weeks, maximum of months and indeed you learn new thing about yourselves during marriage and try to make life together and make it all work.

I know my bf is the one and that's why I consider the marriage. Before ,in any of my relationship, I didn't even dream of it or think about it as an option. I guess I wasn't ready and my MR.Right came a bit later...I still make fun of him that he's a bit late to the party...almost left me to be an old maid.

I really understand how you feel and I hope you 2 get married asap and start living your lives together...As you said-I'm old fashioned ,too, and I want him to propose and do all the work a man is suppose to do. We may be talking about it, but he needs to do it right.

 

GoBlue: You gave me a good idea. I haven't spoke to any advisor as of yet. I guess I'll visit my friend, who is a monk (I'm Catholic), for advice, but I know-in a way- what he's going to say.We should get ready for marriage, decide, pray together and just do it. :)I know he's right and as a matter of fact we made it a habit (ever since I came to Texas) to pray together every evening and I think this is bringing us even closer.

 

Rinner: I actually heard about those 1 year work visas, but I don't think USA has it. I know one of my friends had it for Canada and she spent one marvelous year there at a organic farm. But I'll look into that..That's a great idea. Thank you <3

 

Mikethemechanic: I know,I know, I took a bit too long...I need to figure out where to click to get emails every time someone replies to one of my topics/posts.

 

 

KJ:bunny:

 

I love your reply. I agree 100 %. I hope it all works out for you! Please update me now and then! It always gives me hope to hear others like me.

 

Btw, in order to work in the US,you have to find employment willing to hire and sponsor you for a work visa. Check out the us visa website!

[Els]

I've seen some LDR couples do the work travel visa, but I don't know if America is a part of that program. It's a visa where you can work and travel anywhere in Canada, Europe and NewZealand for up to a year. You have to be under 30 to apply for it though. Maybe look into that to see if he qualifies?

 

This is a good idea, too. It's also known as the working holiday visa (WHV) - Working holiday visa - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Btw, in order to work in the US,you have to find employment willing to hire and sponsor you for a work visa. Check out the us visa website!

 

This is a different sort of work visa and, as far as I know, is different and MUCH harder to get than a WHV. There are usually very strict conditions in most countries for employers to sponsor work visas, in order to protect employment rates for their citizens. Most jobs will require you to have the right to work in the country before they even consider you, which leads to a bit of a chicken and egg problem. The WHV (an open work visa for a certain number of months) helps temporarily solve this problem.

[K0203]

This is a good idea, too. It's also known as the working holiday visa (WHV) - Working holiday visa - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

 

This is a different sort of work visa and, as far as I know, is different and MUCH harder to get than a WHV. There are usually very strict conditions in most countries for employers to sponsor work visas, in order to protect employment rates for their citizens. Most jobs will require you to have the right to work in the country before they even consider you, which leads to a bit of a chicken and egg problem. The WHV (an open work visa for a certain number of months) helps temporarily solve this problem.

 

While I do agree that this would be true. I still don't think there is a possibility for WHV in the US??? Not sure about other countries but I've been looking for something like that for my bf and there is no options like that. According to the US travel and visa website..

[Els]

While I do agree that this would be true. I still don't think there is a possibility for WHV in the US??? Not sure about other countries but I've been looking for something like that for my bf and there is no options like that. According to the US travel and visa website..

 

Still from Wikipedia:

The (J-1, H-1) visas are able to application citizens from France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Spain, United Kingdom and Countries of the European Union.

 

Your bf is from the UK and Jean is from Slovenia, yes? So, try and look into the (J-1, H-1) visas? If you can't find anything then try asking an immigration adviser - many of them are willing to give a brief initial consult for free.

[K0203]

Still from Wikipedia:

 

Your bf is from the UK and Jean is from Slovenia, yes? So, try and look into the (J-1, H-1) visas? If you can't find anything then try asking an immigration adviser - many of them are willing to give a brief initial consult for free.

 

I see, I think I may have gotten lost lol.. She's looking for her BF to work in Europe? I was thinking opposite. Sorry!

[Els]

I see, I think I may have gotten lost lol.. She's looking for her BF to work in Europe? I was thinking opposite. Sorry!

 

Huh? No, I quoted that part from the section of 'Working Holiday Visa for people from other countries wanting to work in the USA'. That means Slovenia to USA for her and her bf, and UK to USA for you and your bf. I thought that was the question...

 

(Her bf working in Europe might also be a possibility, but Slovenian visas don't seem to be explained clearly online, so I can't help with that).

 

Edit: Also, I'm kinda reading this on 2 hours of sleep, so... yeah. I might be getting things mixed up...

[K0203]

Huh? No, I quoted that part from the section of 'Working Holiday Visa for people from other countries wanting to work in the USA'. That means Slovenia to USA for her and her bf, and UK to USA for you and your bf. I thought that was the question...

 

(Her bf working in Europe might also be a possibility, but Slovenian visas don't seem to be explained clearly online, so I can't help with that).

 

Edit: Also, I'm kinda reading this on 2 hours of sleep, so... yeah. I might be getting things mixed up...

 

 

Yeah I was only on four hours sleep so I decided to sleep finally lol

 

Okay the reason I'm getting mixed up is because the US doesn't participate in the same type of visa as the eu has. But I did look at the J-1 visas I think and there was information on jobs + study for anyone under 30 through petition of the department of state. So maybe that's useful to Jean. Otherwise you have to be sponsored to get a work visa.

 

Agreed I'd look up the immigration lawyer.