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Wanting to move closer but he's not ready


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confused karen

Hi Guys

Im wanting to move closer to my boyfriend and am looking to get a job in the city where he lives.

He says he's not ready to move in with me after a year together, we've been in a LDR all the time. I have asked him why and he says he not sure.

He sent me a text saying he's sorry he can't commit to me more and that he's just not ready to live together right now, he says he's feeling confused about everything, he said he thought he'd be wanting me to move to be with him and encouraging me to look for work near him but he's not. He said it bothers him that he can't commit 100% and he doesn't know why, as he says I'm an amazing person, he has no idea why and doesn't want me to move up to him, get a job and then it not work out. he said he doesn't want to mess it up. We see each other most weekends as we only live 100 miles apart.

 

Let me know your thoughts on this

 

Many thanks

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ExpatInItaly

If I'm not mistaken, this is the same guy who wanted a break and whom you posted about in another thread, Correct?

 

Don't move, He's just not that into you.

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confused karen

Hi ExpatInItaly, yes this is correct, I thought id put up a new post to see what people thought but Im beginning to think its true :(

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I'm willing to bet he met someone local and doesn't have the balls to break up with you properly so he's giving you a bunch of "I'm confused" BS to get you to back off.

 

A man in love in an LDR should be ecstatic to have his lady moving closer to him. He's checked out of your relationship already.

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Going from an LDR straight to cohabitating is BAD idea. If you want to move closer to him, fine but get your own apartment & date more traditionally rather than through an LDR to learn how you interact with the pressures of daily living -- work, dishes, laundry etc. -- rather than the fairy tale vacation feelings an LDR often has because the limited time you have together is not wasted on things not about the romance.

 

Your BF is thinking logically when he says he is not ready. You are only seeing the romance when you press to play house too soon.

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Hi Guys

Im wanting to move closer to my boyfriend and am looking to get a job in the city where he lives.

He says he's not ready to move in with me after a year together, we've been in a LDR all the time. I have asked him why and he says he not sure.

He sent me a text saying he's sorry he can't commit to me more and that he's just not ready to live together right now, he says he's feeling confused about everything, he said he thought he'd be wanting me to move to be with him and encouraging me to look for work near him but he's not. He said it bothers him that he can't commit 100% and he doesn't know why, as he says I'm an amazing person, he has no idea why and doesn't want me to move up to him, get a job and then it not work out. he said he doesn't want to mess it up. We see each other most weekends as we only live 100 miles apart.

 

Let me know your thoughts on this

 

Many thanks

 

 

It sounds as if you are at completely different points right now within this relationship. This may not be a terrific thing going forward. You are wishing to move forward and he is not showing any indication of trying to meet you half-way. You will need to decide if you have the patience necessary to wait this one out. With the hope that he will come around. Otherwise, it may be best to move on. Even as hard as it may be.

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confused karen

d0nnivain: I said to him that i would get my own place but he still thinks its stupid for me to move up when he's not 100% sure, i dont know how much longer i can carry on with the relationship at a distance when I'm willing to move but he doesn't want me to. I dont understand him as he said once his housemate moves out in August, he wants me to come and stay in the week until his new housemates move in at the end of the month. he's also asking me about holidays in October too, I'm getting so many mixed message from him and its making me very upset. I want to drive up to him to talk it through but i know he wont appreciate it as i am seeing him on friday until sunday morning.

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if your plan was to move closer in your own place & he's not ready for that, then you have a problem. You & him are on different pages. The goal of any LDR should be to close the gap.

 

 

I hate to ask but are you sure he's not two timing you & dating somebody else who isn't long distance?

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confused karen

I have asked him if he's looking for a 'better model' after him saying to me I'm his favourite, and his reply was I'm not looking for a better model, I'm not looking for someone else, I'm into you, your my favourite person to be around, your my favourite person to talk to and my favourite person to kiss, which to me still doesn't clear it up totally..we started seeing eachother last august and took it very slow but saw eahother most weekends as i was busy, he loved seeing me, he then decided to get a housemate in january this year as he was finding it hard to pay his mortgage, the girl that moved in broke up with her fella literally 2 weeks after moving in with my boyfriend and was funny about me going round, which at first i understood as she's just broken up with someone but then only in feb, he asked if i did valentines and i said not really but still like to spend time with the other person, he then asked if i minded if he went to see his friend in wales that weekend instead which i was a bit shocked by but said yes anyway so i didn't seem like the bunny boiler girl. that friday on valentines he text to say he was staying in with his housemate as she was upset about the whole breakup, and thats when I started to worry. For 5 months afterwards she was cranky around me every time i was up there and would say oh your here again! even though i only saw him on weekends and we made sure he came to see me too so we weren't in her face. it became an issue for me big time and its still there, i didn't really mention it to him that much but he knew. They get on really well and have an amazing spark which I'm jealous of and especially when she touchy feely with him. he likes to have the odd weekend away from me to gather his thoughts and when he does, it usually involves her going somewhere with him. they spent 4 hours in ikea this weekend just gone buying stuff for her new place which I'm happy to say is 5 hours away so they wont be seeing much of each other. yes they could be doing all this and him not telling me so i dont know if anything is going on or not.

I've asked him if its because theres other options why he's not ready and he says no but he could be lying. people say he's a good guy but he has lots of female friends, most of which i haven't met. I'm only trying to see the good but am imaging the bad.

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With this added info of the single female roommate, you now have your answer about why he doesn't want you to move closer.

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confused karen

she is moving out in two weeks and thats when he wants me to stay over in the week as she's really got a thing about me being around so were not doing it while she's still there, if he is having relations with her, how can he have me around friday to monday when i go to see him and him come to see me friday to sunday. Surely something would have been said by now? do you think he's cheating, i think emotionally he is with her, I'm kinda hanging on to see what happens after she's gone and how he behaves..also why would he go on holiday with me twice already and plan to go again in the autumn?

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I don't know but my suspicions would be up.

 

 

When you are there, have some more discussions about your relocation.

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confused karen

I shall try and report back. I have interviews up there on friday and next week and I'm wondering if theres actually any point in me going to them, he said i should go but then when he realised that i was wanting to move up there mainly for him and not just a different job, thats when he freaked out

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Go on the interviews. If you make more money your life will get better even without him. You don't have to accept any job you may be offered if you no longer want to relocate.

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