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Grad school dilemma


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My wife of 20+ years has recently been accepted to graduate school in Europe. We currently live in the States and have two kids. One kid is out of the house and the other is in an online program for high school. She thinks the grad school opportunity is a once in a lifetime opportunity that shouldn't be passed up on.

 

I on the other hand am not so sure. The school opportunity probably is but the relationship side is what has me worried. I have always had trust issues in the marriage and am a recovering alcoholic and worry that our relationship will not survive the two or so years required to complete the program.

 

I have a great job and make a really good salary so moving is really not an option. Our relationship has had problems throughout the years. My drinking occupied the first ten years or so and caused a large amount of alienation and my lack of emotional contribution following the drinking has done further damage. We're getting closer in the past few years due to counseling following an indiscretion but we're still having issues in the marriage - trust, communication, intimacy. I love my wife more than anything and want to keep our relationship and marriage together but I don't know if I can handle the long distance part of the LDR.

 

I really just don't know what to do. I feel like her not pursuing this program will build a wall of resentment that we'll never be able to overcome.

 

Any thoughts?

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Her moving to Europe for 2 years from the US might cause further damage to this already fragile marriage. She might need temporary jobs. She would quite likely socialize with a number of new people, and would be introduced to new circles of friends.

 

Even if she's been a devoted wife all this time, she kind of needs a way out now. The graduate school is her way out right now. New environment, new people, new country, new inspirations, stimulations, etc.

 

All that might boost her excitement. It would be some time about her, instead of about you.

 

I agree with your assumption that if you decide not to let her go, there'll be damage in the couple.

 

This all means you'll probably have to fight for someone you really care for/love. It means you'll have to show your love and keep your instincts under control (jealousy, missing someone, fears, etc.)

 

It will be a testing time for you. You'll have to undergo many pressures and survive. But if you think what she had to go through because of you, I think that maybe it's time for you to go through something too. Now, she has an advantage over you, because she proved her love for you the hard way. It looks like you haven't yet. So this might be your chance to prove it to her.

 

Before she leaves, make sure your intimacy with her is excellent (best sexual match). And spend time with her so that you can make good memories for when she'll be away, and thinking what she left home.

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Two years is nothing. I don't understand.

 

 

You've had 20 years together. You'll have 20+ more years together when she gets back.

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I agree with everything justwhoiam said.

 

Make sure that you have great communication about this too. If you have valid concerns then you should discuss how to deal with them. Don't forget to listen to her side too though.

 

Long distance is very hard but it is not impossible like some people make it out to be. Skype i an amazing tool you can use to see each other and talk and you can take turns visiting each other for those couple of years.

 

Long distance relationships are all about communication and trust, so keep that in mind.

 

Best of luck!

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Bupkis, let your wife go to grad school in Europe, especially if it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for her. To tell her "no" to that would be very insensitive and extremely selfish of you.

 

Since you don't want to leave your job or the U.S., then just make a plan to visit your wife abroad every 3 to 5 months if you can get the time off from work.

 

There's also Skype video, email, phone calls. You've been married for 20 years, and despite the problems with your marriage, 2 years away from each other shouldn't deteriorate your marriage if you both want it to work.

 

If there's a will, there's a way. This can work for everyone involved if you think outside the box, are flexible, open to change, willing to take a risk, trust in your wife and trust in yourself and for both of you to trust each other.

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I found some websites that have good suggestions how to make a long distance marriage work. Don't forget, military couples do long distance marriages for more than 2 years b/c it's part of the lifestyle. So it's not unusual and there are plenty, PLENTY of things you can do to make sure you and your wife and two children stay connected while she's abroad in grad school.

 

Maybe these are a good starting point for you and your wife to set up a plan in advance of how you two will keep your spark while you're apart temporarily (temporarily is the key word here):

 

How to Make Long-Distance Marriage Work

 

https://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-marriage-saving-lessons-long-distance-couples-172200343.html

 

Doug White: Making Long-Distance Marriages Work

 

Long Distance Marriage Tips - Healthy Long Distance

 

(this one is for military marriages but the suggestions are easily applicable to any long distance marriage or relationship I think)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Uhhhh...

 

Honestly, I don't see how acceptance to grad school is a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity in and of itself. I've been to grad school. I sent out three applications and all three universities responded with letters offering me a place. These universities were the highest ranked ones in our region.

 

Is there something additional to this that you haven't mentioned? Perhaps the university she is going to is conducting a high-profile research programme in her specific field that she really wants to get into? Or she received full funding or a large scholarship for her programme? Did she try applying to schools in the States as well?

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It's a good way for her to leave you without looking like the bad guy. Look at this as a trial separation. You could even make it a legal separation where you both date other people to see how you really feel about each other.

 

If you make a good salary there is no reason why you couldn't fly to Europe every six or eight weeks and stay for five days. There is an off chance that you could discover the spark you had when you first met.

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Moving in other country is very serious changing. In my opinion she have to think about it twice before accepting propostion. What does she think about it& What she intent to do with children accomplishment?

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