I think we can define this together...

[CalvinM]

Hey, it's been a while since I've been on here. I guess that's somewhat of a good thing, but advice in the past had been really solid and I don't like to burden friends with this sort of thing.

 

Back story, I've been seeing someone (she's 35, I'm 33)for almost four months. She lives in Montréal and I live in Ottawa (about two hours apart).

 

The past few months we've been seeing each other on weekends due to my schedule at work (overnights, partly the problem). That said, she can work from home, so I've been able to see her two and a half or three days, with one of the days she either works at my place when she's here or her place when I'm there.

 

The problem, we still don't feel like we know each other well enough to take the next step and even though she initially pursued me (we started talking on okcupid), things have started to cool off due to the distance.

 

Shortly after we met, went to a concert in Montréal together and had a really nice time, I felt really overwhelmed and told her I needed to take a step back. We didn't talk for a few days and didn't see each other for a month when I went back to see another show and invited her to come with me.

 

Again, we had a great time and she told me after over beers at a local pub that she had fallen pretty hard for me and that she was really sad and confused when I asked for space. I told her I wanted to be sure of what I wanted and that the distance scared me a little. Eventually we agreed to give things a try.

 

Fast forward to now and she's starting to get cold feet I think over the distance. I've met a few of her friends and she's met mine, but now she wants to cool things until we're either both in the same city (I love Montréal, especially the neighbourhood she lives in and would be more than happy to move there if and when I find a job there, which I've been looking for), or when I get a job that's nights and weekends off.

 

My holidays are coming up in a few weeks and my boss, knowing my situation, has offered me weekends off, but not until end of August.

 

She wants to find a solution, but at the moment we're both stressed by the distance and a lack of adequate solutions.

 

I care very much about her and could see myself having a family with her, so ending things would be a very last resort at this point.

 

TL;DR: having a hard time getting to know someone over long distance, need advice.

Edited July 18, 2014 by CalvinM
Grammar

[justwhoiam]

Your vacation would be weekends off only? Can't you put a couple of weeks together?

 

I think she got cold feet because of you, mainly. Sure, the distance can be a hassle, but when two people are in love, they can do it. You're seeing her pretty frequently. So, what about you? How much do you show her you're in love with her?

[CalvinM]

My vacation is August 9th-22nd (two weeks off), but she still works Mon-Fri. I'm willing to spend most of that time with her.

 

For her birthday I bought a picture frame and filled it with photos of us. I also made a printed tshirt with a bull design to replace her favourite shirt from Spain that shrunk in the wash. It was only a couple months into our relationship, so I didn't want to go overboard.

 

I'm thinking about sending a potted plant, daisies or something. Has anyone had success with flowers in a situation like that?

Edited July 18, 2014 by CalvinM
Spelling

[TAV]

I think too you kinda jinxed it. You said you had a really good time and right after you asked for space. That throws a girl off and shows you have commitment issues. So why would she not doubt you and the whole relationship? Why would she go for this with all her heart when she is not sure of your feelings.

 

Daisies are cute but I think a good honest talk has far more effect. You said she said she fell for you pretty hard, what did you say in that conversation? Or are you the strong silent type who likes to keep a girl guessing what he feels for her?

[CalvinM]

Yeah, I'm getting that feeling.

 

Since then I've really tried to step it up. Sending cute texts, telling her she's beautiful and doing the little things to make her happy.

 

We had a long talk after that night where she said that 48 hour period was the happiest she'd felt in a long time.

 

I'm fully aware that I messed things up pulling away early on, but I was scared of things moving too fast. We sorted it out, but I know theres still some risidual damage.

[CalvinM]

I think too you kinda jinxed it. You said you had a really good time and right after you asked for space. That throws a girl off and shows you have commitment issues. So why would she not doubt you and the whole relationship? Why would she go for this with all her heart when she is not sure of your feelings.

 

Daisies are cute but I think a good honest talk has far more effect. You said she said she fell for you pretty hard, what did you say in that conversation? Or are you the strong silent type who likes to keep a girl guessing what he feels for her?

The month after we first met, we saw one of my favourite bands at my favourite venue in Montréal. It was a really great night and after the show we walked around the corner to a pub with a beer garden and talked it out.

 

I told her I wanted time to think and to be sure that I was fully invested. I also told her that I thought the distance might be a challenge, but that I was willing to give us a serious chance because I had enjoyed her company so far, respected her opinions and was interested in getting to know her on a more serious level.

 

The difference here is, her really great 48 hour period was in the first month, while mine was in the second. I realized in taking the space, that she was someone I could see myself with.

 

At this point, I feel like this is eerily familiar territory and not at all unexpected. She seems apprehensive to give her heart after two previous boyfriends stayed with her for multiple years, only to tell her they didn't feel the way she felt for them. I've been there too and because of that, I pull back when maybe I should go with my heart instead.

[TAV]

You always take a risk putting your heart on the line, however, without making yourself vulnerable it is hard to really establish something.

 

So yes, put your heart on the line. As they say; it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

[CalvinM]

Update: last night (Wed), she came to Ottawa and we had beers at a restaurant/pub where we had our fourth date, then went to watch the local soccer team play a Scottish team that I've supported my entire adult life. She follows soccer as well, so it was fun for her too.

 

When I met her at the bus station though, I could tell she was being a bit standoffish. She didn't give me a hug and when I went in for a kiss, she offered me her cheek. It had been over a week and a half, so I thought she wouldve missed me more.

 

Walking from the bus station was especially hard for me. She kept space between us and I tried not to say too much. We grabbed dinner, split a beer and I paid the bill. After we left she seemed a bit friendlier, but still wouldn't let me put my arm around her.

 

At half time we met up with a friend of mine from work who was at the game too. I introduced her, then we went back to our seats as the second half started.

 

After the match, we met a bunch of players, got photos/autographs, etc and grabbed some pizza.

 

She had checked into a hotel and asked if I wanted to come back. She gave me a kiss and we walked back, she finally let me put my arm around her.

 

We were intimate and she told me she realized she was pushing me away and that she really should've hugged me at the bus station. She also said that she knew I cared about her and that I'd treat her right and be loyal, but at this point she couldn't see us in a relationship as bf/gf.

 

This afternoon I asked her if she wanted me to come visit her in Montréal, but she said she needs space and time to think.

 

No good night text, no future plans.

 

I'm a little confused and a bit sad. Last night I was optimistic, but now I feel like we're back at square one.

[TAV]

Update: last night (Wed), she came to Ottawa and we had beers at a restaurant/pub where we had our fourth date, then went to watch the local soccer team play a Scottish team that I've supported my entire adult life. She follows soccer as well, so it was fun for her too.

 

When I met her at the bus station though, I could tell she was being a bit standoffish. She didn't give me a hug and when I went in for a kiss, she offered me her cheek. It had been over a week and a half, so I thought she wouldve missed me more.

 

Walking from the bus station was especially hard for me. She kept space between us and I tried not to say too much. We grabbed dinner, split a beer and I paid the bill. After we left she seemed a bit friendlier, but still wouldn't let me put my arm around her.

 

At half time we met up with a friend of mine from work who was at the game too. I introduced her, then we went back to our seats as the second half started.

 

After the match, we met a bunch of players, got photos/autographs, etc and grabbed some pizza.

 

She had checked into a hotel and asked if I wanted to come back. She gave me a kiss and we walked back, she finally let me put my arm around her.

 

We were intimate and she told me she realized she was pushing me away and that she really should've hugged me at the bus station. She also said that she knew I cared about her and that I'd treat her right and be loyal, but at this point she couldn't see us in a relationship as bf/gf.

 

This afternoon I asked her if she wanted me to come visit her in Montréal, but she said she needs space and time to think.

 

No good night text, no future plans.

 

I'm a little confused and a bit sad. Last night I was optimistic, but now I feel like we're back at square one.

 

And what did you say and do? I read she said this and she did that but nowhere I read where you took a risk, opened up, made yourself vulnerable. If I was her I'd not want to put my heart on the line for you either.

 

My bf and I both came out of rocky marriages and had both dealt with a ton of hurt. Going into this new relationship (which happened too soon after our divorces but was too special to pass up on) we had our moments too where we were scared and it seemed easier to just walk away. But we always managed to 'fight' for each other when there was danger of that happening.

 

That includes showing your deepest feelings, anxieties and weaknesses only to convince the other that this love is something you really, really want.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I could never take a guy seriously that was wishy/washy about commitment like you were.

[CalvinM]

I was only wishy washy in the first month. Since then I've been nothing but commited to making this work.

 

I told her Wed night that for me there was no one else I could see myself with, which was incredibly hard given that she wouldn't even let me hug her for the first few hours.

 

And I was only wishy washy because she came on way too strong for me, having just been hurt less than a month before.

 

Thurs morning I walked her to the bus station and told her that the night before was the happiest I've been in a long time and that she was really great. That I probably didn't say that as much as I should, but that whatever happens between us, I was happy I met her.

[CalvinM]

I sent her this email about twenty minutes ago:

"Her name,

 

After your messages yesterday (where she said she wanted space to think), I thought maybe I was being stupid and stubborn and that I should just walk away from this completely, but thinking about how great it was to see you Wed and be with you again made me realize that walking away without you knowing exactly how I feel would be even worse.

 

I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else and I figured that alone would be motivation enough for me to find a solution. It’s been almost two years since I’ve felt a connection like this and I don’t want to just give up on that because circumstances are harder or our lives have differences.

 

My heart hurts being apart from you and feeling it was only temporary until we could spend more time together to try to make this work was more than enough for me to put myself out there and figured out my life (getting weekends off, or a job during the day), not only for me, but for us as well.

 

I want to make this work, because I can see myself with you in the long term and when we walked up Mt Royal and you told me your ex said he didn’t have those type of feelings for you, I knew how that felt. When I spent Wed night with you, or Mogwai (band we went to see for our third date), I not only saw someone I could have fun with, but share my life with as well.

 

If any part of you feels that way, don’t do this. Lets give it time for the dust to settle and sort things out when I take vacation.

 

Je pense a toi (thinking of you).

 

xx"

Edited July 25, 2014 by CalvinM
Punctuation

[TAV]

That's a good step. Stop talking about the exes and focus on the future. Good luck.

[CalvinM]

She said she wants time to make a decision.

 

"I'll think about what I want to do. I don't want to mess up your life."

[CalvinM]

We talked over text tonight

 

Me:"Did you still want to Skype sat morning, time permitting?"

Me: "Please don't shut me out."

Her: "I won't" "(entering the Metro)"

Her: "We can talk tomorrow morning, sure, what time would be good for you? I have some small groceries to do as well.

Give me a time, and I'll work my stuff around it."

Me: "I'll be home around 8am (from working overnights)"

Me: "I had one of the best nights of my life on Wed and it made me realize that when I'm with you, you bring out the best in me. I want to be a better person when I'm around you. It also made me realize that I was willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy too, whether that's moving to Montréal, etc. I want a life with you. I want us to have a future. You're nothing short of amazing and I've grown very attached to having you around. :)"

Her: ":) Merci."

Me: "I know for certain, given the opportunity that I could make you very happy and that in only a few short months you've already made me very happy too."

Her: "I still haven't figured out much more than I had yesterday, but we can talk tomorrow if you still want to. I'm pretty much off to bed now, today was fun but pretty tiring as well.

Call me in the morning whenever is good for you."

Me: "Sweet dreams x"

Her: "Merci, Bonne nuit au travail (Thanks, Have a good night at work)"

[TAV]

Just keep being consistent in your feelings, your ideas about your future. She needs to regain trust in you and your feelings for her. Her heart has been hurt and the wound has to heal. Remember that she is as scared as you are. The fact that she wants to talk is good.

 

You know what they say; when a woman goes silent on you that means she does not care about you anymore. So talking is good. Very good

[CalvinM]

We spoke this morning. She wants to take a break from talking. NC for a week.

 

I have a feeling it's over. She said she was too busy planning her trip to Europe at the end of Aug to see me, even during my holidays and that nothing has changed between us, so seeing each other doesn't fit with her.

[TAV]

We spoke this morning. She wants to take a break from talking. NC for a week.

 

I have a feeling it's over. She said she was too busy planning her trip to Europe at the end of Aug to see me, even during my holidays and that nothing has changed between us, so seeing each other doesn't fit with her.

 

I think so too. Taking a break is usually a nice way of saying you want to end it. I guess it was too late for the 2 of you. I'm so sorry.

[CalvinM]

After ending things Sat morning and asking for a week to sort through her thoughts (I wanted Nc for two), Sun afternoon she sent this to my other email address which I only use for business clients/family:

"Dearest My name,

 

I have thought about us a lot these past couple of days, weeks actually, I can't think of much else. I've cried a lot too, felt sad, and thought a lot of the bad but mostly the good times we had together.

 

At the moment I feel like it was the good decision to end our bf/gf relationship, and I don't think we should rekindle it. It breaks my heart to say it, but I don't think the relationship would make me happy right now, and in return I would not be able to make you happy like you deserve.

 

Only time will tell if this was a good decision, but right now I feel like it is, I feel like my feelings and my affections towards you, and yours towards me, and our complicity, are sadly not sufficient to make the relationship one that works for both of us in the foreseeable future.

 

As such, I don't think we should plan to see each other in August. I will not be reaching out to you for a while, to give you space and to mark the different situation. If however you need to reach out, call, text, whatever, I'll be here. I just don't want to confuse things by contacting you all the time, but don't hesitate to if that's what you want. I'll check in on you in a little while.

 

I am sorry for all the hurt I've caused you, I never meant any of my actions to cause hardship for you.

 

Her name xx"

 

My immediate thoughts were, why would she want to check in, if it's over? Secondly, she doesn't want to message me, but I can message her? Seems like she's looking for me to beg her not to break up, or something similar, to give her justification or an ego boost. Am I on the right track here?

 

I didn't reply and have decided to continue the Nc for at least a week. Two weeks will take me to my holidays and if she doesn't want to see me when I'm off and able to set a schedule, then that's a sign it's truly over and that I should close the door completely.

Edited July 28, 2014 by CalvinM
Added additional information

[TMichaels]

"I feel like it was the good decision to end our bf/gf relationship, and I don't think we should rekindle it. It breaks my heart to say it, but I don't think the relationship would make me happy right now, and in return I would not be able to make you happy like you deserve."

 

Also known as: "It's not you, it's me." (Sigh...)

 

All that aside, no comment on what sort of person would agree to yet another date, travel two+ hours to get there, arrive and keep the date at arm's length, yet go to bed with them, then admit the other person basically makes their skin crawl...

 

Sorry, Calvin. But it should be obvious: She's not that into you. And given how she's acted/reacted, you'd be a fool to continue to waste your time.

 

Chalk another one up to experience and move on.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited July 28, 2014 by TMichaels

[CalvinM]

I was surprised tonight when she called me just after work. She seemed happy and wanted to know if I still wanted to see her in August when I go on holidays.

 

She said she realized that trying to see me when she gets back from Europe would put things at about a month and a half, and that other things she has planned would allow us even less time together.

 

She did make clear that this isn't us getting back together for sure, since we still have a lot to work through (I agreed), but that spending time together when we can both determine our schedules would be the best way to see how we are with each other.

 

Wondering if NC made her realize what she was missing or if it's just the reality of a long distance relationship to expect surprises.

[TMichaels]

Wondering if NC made her realize what she was missing or if it's just the reality of a long distance relationship to expect surprises.

 

I think you're in for plenty of surprises. She sounds like she has psychological issues or some sort of personality disorder. Too bad you can't ask your previous heart-throb who did you wrong (the shrink) what she thinks.

 

Seriously Calvin, you sure know how to pick 'em.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CalvinM]

Haha, probably true.

[CalvinM]

Update two:

 

I went to Montréal this weekend (Sunday afternoon to Monday afternoon)to see her. I didn't have any intentions in going, but she had suggested we try to communicate in person, to better understand each other.

 

Friday she sent me an email that said this:

"At 35 years old, things I want out of a relationship, in a nutshell.

 

1) Good partnership, companionship, connexion, bond, fun, friendship

 

2) A guy who fits in my life, I fit in his. Friends, lifestyle, French speaking, schedule, family

 

3) Making plans, hobbies, small trips, weekend getaways, beach, vacation

 

4) A family unit, a home, with kids if we both want them"

 

We grabbed lunch on St. Denis (a more upscale touristy area) at one of her favourite Italian restaurants and shared a pizza.

 

She was more affectionate than the Wed she had come to Ottawa, so that was nice.

 

I tried to enjoy her company as much as I could, kept things light and tried to push myself to be affectionate too, which I found a lot easier.

 

I also took the opportunity to dress up a bit more; khakis, loafers and a nice shirt, which she seemed to like and commented on a few times.

 

We were intimate and she suggested we try without a condom, which surprised me, given that every other time condoms were always worn.

 

We went out for a late dinner at a Cajun restaurant and split two plates, (read overpriced Rice-A-Roni and Tostito salsa with burnt chicken). We weren't impressed at all, but still managed to have a good time and make each other laugh, solidifying my earlier feelings.

 

We arrived back at her condo shortly after and discussed living together/having kids, to which she said she's thought about it, but needs to see that I'm reliable enough to make mortgage payments (I haven't missed a rent payment in over a decade or bounced a cheque for that matter), etc.

 

With all that said, I've enrolled in French lessons (which will also help with employment here in Ottawa), regardless of things with her.

Edited August 6, 2014 by CalvinM
Spelling

[TAV]

Wow, Calvin, I'm quite surprised at this little weekend you had together. I hope she keeps being so positive now and does not revert back to the whole I no longer want this, I want NC thing.

 

In any case, you have a choice in this too, it is not only her calling all the shots.

 

I do hope this is the start of a LTR and that the little hiccup only has made you and her stronger plus maybe taught you a thing or two about opening up.

 

Btw, you are sure she is on birth control?