LDR bi girlfriend fond of new friend and situation

[Johansen90]

My girlfriend has just recently just moved away for summer for work, we've been going out about a couple of months. We met at university, and I didn't know of her naughty nature until we got to know one and other. It soon became apparent she has had lots of sexual partners male/female.

 

Nevertheless, I accepted this all as I fell for her, although it was and is still hard to overcome my insecurities about her sexuality and promiscuity.

 

Quickly she admitted to kissing another girl early on whilst with me. She describes it as one of her friends drunkenly kissing her to get over some guy. I wanted to believe her I had a weird feeling, but I let it go, since she told me they used to kiss habitually before our relationship.

 

Prior to her leaving to work away we were constantly texting and round each other's houses, having sex telling each other our feelings, and were close.

 

Communication had dwindled since she's been away (about two-three weeks), less texting, feels like she's a stranger, substandard messages whereas before more detailed. I found out from her she has made friends with this girl of whom she's known for a week. The way my girlfriend talks of her you'd think they've known each other years. She called her amazing, and even said I should meet her.

 

Furthermore, when I was on the phone to her she was taking to said girl whilst on phone to me, which I thought was rude, because our time is ours. We hardly talk loads so I just found it disrespectful, also she told me she only had so long I phone as her and she wanted to watch a film.

 

The said girl has also liked statuses of mine from the past weirdly, and this was after my girlfriend texted me to go online. Minutes earlier said girl had liked a status of mine.

 

She laughs and jokes with her over phone like a schoolgirl and when I confronted her I told her I was a tad jealous. She told me I shouldn't as she gas a bf. but I just don't believe that.

 

Its almost as like this girl is intruding in my life and our relationship. I'm quite upset. Every time I go online I see a statuses of her tagging my gf and talking back and forth it makes me sick.

 

Recently, I saw a status about said girl dropping something, and she tagged my girlfriend in it. She said to my gf "oh darling I am special", to which my gf replies "that's because you are"...which kind of bothers me.

 

It was a bit like she Is admitting feelings for her in a subtle sense whilst making it seem like banter. I dunno what to think, I only ever reserve the term "darling" for endearment and romantic feelings...I cannot fathom the idea of ever saying this to a friend I've known a week.

 

Is this something more or my insecurity?

[umirano]

Sounds like she's emotionally getting attached to her, toying with you in the process. How long are you going to play along?

[justwhoiam]

I think you're focusing on the wrong things.

 

You really need to ask yourself if you can tolerate her bisexuality long-term. If you're open to her having other sexual partners besides you.

 

She can force the monogamy on herself, but she will likely need something different after a while. She might wish to involve you in a threesome, or who knows. Are you the right partner for her?

 

She can play her good girlfriend part well, but she's already showing signs of how well she is in those shoes. She's used to interact with lots of people, and she can easily develop a (platonic?) crush on a girl.

 

How much time is she taking away from you because of this new girl she just met and that she's so passionate about?

 

If it were not this new girl, it'd probably be someone else. You'd still have to deal with that. Maybe her interest fizzles out pretty soon, and someone new will catch her eye. See if this is the kind of life and girl you need.

[Johansen90]

Sounds like she's emotionally getting attached to her, toying with you in the process. How long are you going to play along?

 

This is what my fear is..I feel if she isn't cheating she's having an emotional affair (most certainly), the banter-y near flirtatious commends never fail to surface on Facebook either and it's pure torture to see them effectively smooching with each other.

 

I just have a feeling that won't go away, I don't even trust myself though. It could just been my mental health issues. She keeps saying to me that she is upset that I don't believe her when she says stuff, but I just have this sickly feeling, I can't eat, I can't focus in my job, I ruminate over the things she tells me, the messages she sends and the things she's telling this girl.

 

I'm not entirely sure it's the girl whom is pursuing her or the other way, but they both seem to enjoy it. I think I'm starting to accept that maybe she's taking me for a mug.

[Johansen90]

I think you're focusing on the wrong things.

 

You really need to ask yourself if you can tolerate her bisexuality long-term. If you're open to her having other sexual partners besides you.

 

She can force the monogamy on herself, but she will likely need something different after a while. She might wish to involve you in a threesome, or who knows. Are you the right partner for her?

 

She can play her good girlfriend part well, but she's already showing signs of how well she is in those shoes. She's used to interact with lots of people, and she can easily develop a (platonic?) crush on a girl.

 

How much time is she taking away from you because of this new girl she just met and that she's so passionate about?

 

If it were not this new girl, it'd probably be someone else. You'd still have to deal with that. Maybe her interest fizzles out pretty soon, and someone new will catch her eye. See if this is the kind of life and girl you need.

 

I think your right, this is partly to do with her bisexuality, something which I've battled hard to deal with since beginning. I just haven't admitted it to myself, but furthermore I saw past this the more attached I became to her.

 

She had reassured me in the past that, it isn't about gender, but how a person is and how they make her feel. This was after I confronted her about my worries that she could run off with a female. But now I'm not so sure.

 

We were so into each other in the beginning, and she pursued me all along.

 

I'm most certainly not open to that (I'm accepting of her sexuality), but by no means does this mean I will allow her to get her kicks elsewhere. This was and is a exclusive relationship. She knows this as well as me, though her opinions are different to mine with regards to behaviour. We recently had an argument about "dirty dancing" and that she finds it acceptable to dirty dance. She told me not with randomers, but with her mates. Though, I've never been out with her, she did tell me it was a worry or hers for me to see her whilst out.

 

I'm not sure if this is a red flag or just difference or opinion. I just get the impression she expects me to be ok with it, if a guy or girl hits on her (which I guess is happening now), and seems to think it's fine.

 

I'm very conservative whereas she is liberal- care free. Though, she still maintains she's never cheated on anyone or me despite admit to cheating on her ex to her friends (this was in front of me) and later retracted her statement when I asked.

 

I'm not so sure it's that question. I think it's more "Is she right for me?" I feel that she is being a little selfish with me, and not taking my feelings seriously or is incredibly naive to me.

 

With regards to how much time she is spending with this girl I have no reliable indicator, other than what I'm told, which is that they work together, see each other daily. Her name crops up in every conversation without fail, sometimes casually other times excessively. I feel my girlfriend is subconsciously projecting her feelings for her, through our conversation. I know for sure, they watched a film together and spend a bit of time together.

 

I get this eerily feeling when I Skype her as though someone else is there or she's not focused on us. Either way, I'm not happy.

 

Also it's not just how much time she's talking, it's just I feel my girlfriend is not there for me emotionally. This is the thing that hurts most. She keeps saying she's tired all the time (which she is busy also), and even blamed pms (lady troubles) which I just see as excuses to deflect the ill feelings I'm having about her.

 

I don't understand why she wants me around if she finds this girl so captivating.

 

For example, last night she messages me at like 1am....yet on Facebook she was chatting with said girl since 12am. So I obviously wasn't the first thing on her mind...I'm not longer a priority. Also today she's logged and hasn't even bothered to look at my message, yet has time to login, so she must be doing something.

 

I think I'm going to break it off when I go and see her, it's taking it's toll on my mental health. I cannot cope, and it's affecting my work and outlook in life. I already have mental health problems as it is, so this is pushing me over edge.

[justwhoiam]

All that you are saying doesn't look good at all. She's not looking forward to talking to you, not as excited as she should be. The honeymoon phase is over. But it's not just that. You can have ups and downs in a relationship, just this one doesn't sound very promising. There are core issues and - apparently - it can only get worse.

 

If you already planned to see her soon, see if she can be without her phone/tablet for the whole time you're there. If not, then something's definitely up.

[OnlyHonesty]

My girlfriend has just recently just moved away for summer for work, we've been going out about a couple of months. We met at university, and I didn't know of her naughty nature until we got to know one and other. It soon became apparent she has had lots of sexual partners male/female.

 

Nevertheless, I accepted this all as I fell for her, although it was and is still hard to overcome my insecurities about her sexuality and promiscuity.

 

 

 

Is this something more or my insecurity?

 

She is likely keeping you around for an ego boost or a safety net.

 

 

I think many guys have been brain washed and shamed into thinking those feelings have anything to do with insecurity. Do not fall for those who have had promiscious or questionable pasts trying to shame you or others who attempt to do so. Think about it, how often do you hear people saying ''you're insecure, the past is the past''

 

Why is it you only hear such phrases coming from people who are ashamed of their past or have slept around?

 

It's not insecurity, it is common sense and an innate biology. I think on an instinctive level, the vast majority of men are repelled, turned off and feel negatively towards promiscious women no matter how much they try to spin it.

 

Those who don't want any consequences for their past behaviour will try to make you think it's is your problem, that you are insecure or not man enough. Do not listen to that.

 

If you had trusted your intuition, you would not have mistaken your inner warnings and redflags for insecurity and you would have found a decent woman.

 

History is a good indication of potential future behaviour and you are now paying the price for ignoring it and buying into the nonsense of being insecure. In all other areas of life, we take the past into account and we are not labelled as insecure yet when it comes to being with a woman, we are. Think about it.

 

Many women have a huge list of requirements for a partner, one should not be shamed or labelled insecure just because he wants to be with one that has exhibited monogamy, loyalty and discernment throughout her lifetime.

 

You are letting lust rule yourself and this will be your downfall. Get wise, get rid and think again.

Edited July 18, 2014 by OnlyHonesty

[Rinner]

If she's only been away 2-3 weeks then I would say give it some time. It could just be that she is excited that she has met someone so she doesn't have to feel lonely in her new location.

 

I would suggest that you talk to her about these things, in particular wanting more special time with her alone. Maybe consider talking to her on Skype so you can see her body language when you talk about this situation.

 

That being said - I don't have experience with promiscuous others. I just have had to deal with girls having a crush on my SO and felt weird about it.

 

Hope that helped.