Long distance(ish) - what is he thinking?

[whyhello]

Hi guys, need your advice decoding his behaviour please!

 

This January, I visited a guy in Switzerland (that I had a fling with in Argentina when we met on our travels in 2012), and things developed between us very quickly. I ended up extending my stay there to two weeks, and the whole time, we were basically like a couple in a new relationship. He even took me to meet his entire family (though not sure whether this was of any significance to him...?! he might be just 'showing off' a foreign girl to his fam?) and I could tell he was really really into me because he was very attentive, frequently acted jealous when I talked about my exes and was really upset when I left.

 

After I left, he told me that when I left him the first time in Argentina, he was devastated for a long time, and he was really happy to see me again this time. He also said that it's rare to find a girl like me, and he can imagine spending the rest of his life with someone like me...he also made a promise that he'd save money and come to Australia to visit me in a year's time

 

BUT he also said that during this year, we should lead separate lives (i.e. not be in an exclusive relationship), and if we are both still available in a year's time, he will come over and visit me for 1-2 months, and see if he likes Australia and if he can work here.

 

He also doesn't stay in touch a lot...he messages me maybe every one-two weeks, sometimes even once a month. Every time he does get in touch, it's pretty much just saying hello, asking me about my life, sending photos of cool places he'd seen recently...nothing mushy or elaborate. But he does reaffirm that he is coming over in January almost every time he talks to me.

 

I'm confused as to whether he's really serious about me. I mean, lots of signs say yes, but if a guy really likes a girl, then wouldn't he want to keep in touch with her more? He doesn't call me, we don't Skype or write long emails to each other. It's only brief chats in Whatsapp. Because of the lack of contact, I'm worrying if he really will come and visit me in the end, and I wonder how much he really likes me. I miss him a lot and want more frequent contact, but every time we get into extensive chats on Whatsapp, he always comes up with some excuse and says he has to go, then ends the conversation. I also don't want to come across needy by messaging him more frequently than he messages me. This guy is definitely a free spirit and I know he is turned off by needy women.

 

Can anyone offer any insight into his behaviour? Why is he making me think that he wants to be with me, but offers so little contact? Anyone been in a similar long distance "non relationship" situation before?

[TAV]

If he is so turned off by needy women why did he say things that sounded pretty needy himself. Like needing a lot of time to get over you after Argentina? You made it sound like just a fling, nothing too serious, so that sounds exaggerated?

 

Or is he just a slick talker who knows what to say to make a girl feel special and keep her hooked?

 

I agree with you that the occassional messaging does not show he is that invested in you. You are more like an after-thought. Something to keep warm just in case he gets the opportunity to see you again. Something to stroke his ego.

 

I think for both men or women, if you are really deep into someone you need to have more contact than that. At least hear their voice once in a while. You'd need to know how the other person is doing and you'd reach out to that person when something significant happens in your own life since you naturally want to share that with that person.

 

I would not put my life on hold for this guy if I was you.

[whyhello]

Well, the context was that I told him I missed him a lot after I left Argentina, but at the time I couldn't say or do anything because I had a boyfriend back home already. Then he admitted that he was felt really down for a few weeks after I left because he missed me a lot too. I was really surprised he said that, because I thought he viewed it as just a fling too. But now when I think back and remember how he acted...I do think he was head over heels. (so to me, that period I view as a fling...to him, maybe emotionally it was more than a fling for him).

 

We do share significant events in our lives with each other now (e.g. him quitting his job then getting a new job, me being promoted etc etc...) He is travelling to Nepal with his mum in October and said I should join them. But there is no "regular" emailing or extensive conversation. I guess he is just preventing himself from over-investing in a relationship that may very well not have a positive outcome. But if he is already determined to see me again, why not put more effort in during this period. Confused.

 

I am definitely not putting my life on hold but I CANNOT stop thinking about him...

Edited July 13, 2014 by whyhello

[TAV]

Then you join him in October and find out what you mean to him. Or you initiate a phone/Skype convo before then and ask him directly to stop yourself from going crazy.

 

It may not have the outcome you want but at least then you know where you stand. If you don't, your dreams/fantasies will only get bigger/more intense and they are based on quick sand.

[Mittens]

Reading your post reminded me of this quote:

 

"Man's love is of man's life a part; it is a woman's whole existence".

 

I think this guy is doing exactly what he said he would do - he's living his life separately from you, and that if you are available after the time frame he specified, that he will come and visit you.

 

In the meantime he's keeping in contact, but keeping it realistic. I once had a LDR with someone who did the same thing - wouldn't call me his girlfriend, I only got to see him once a month or so, and he always said that we were both free to meet someone closer to us. Of course, I did and he didn't like it, but that is another story...

 

Sounds like he sees it as that you had an extended holiday romance in two places. A romance that he is not willing to put his life on hold for. You seem to want to...I would contact him and tell him that you want more.

Edited July 13, 2014 by Mittens

[whyhello]

To be honest, I'm scared of asking something so "confrontational"...don't think any guy likes going through the "what do I mean to you" interrogation...

 

Is there even a way to ask without sounding needy???

 

Also, I can kinda guess what he will respond with...probably something along the lines of "I already said I'm coming to your country, and that I miss you a lot, isn't that clear enough...??"

[whyhello]

Mittens I think your quote hit the nail on the head.

 

Another reason why I'm reluctant to contact him and tell him I want more, is that I think for my emotional sanity, having more contact with him may not even be a good thing for me...it will make me spend more time thinking about him than I already do. And get into an arrangement closer to a genuine LDR which is painful and time consuming.

 

So I guess I'm conflicted. On one hand I just need to know that he cares about me (and have more exchanges with him because that's what people crave when they miss someone...), on the other hand I know more contact = more emotional investment = pining and heartaches, because we can't see each other for another 6 months.

 

It's very contradictory and I wish was more hard headed like him.

[d0nnivain]

I think he just doesn't want an LDR. If you were local, he'd scoop you up. He's willing to try to relocate but he's not willing to be exclusive with somebody thousands of miles away. He's sort of putting it in the hands of fate -- if you are meant to be, you will both be single, he'll come to you & you will see if it works out. If you are not both single he will chalk it up as one of those things.

 

While it's a bit unsettling & disappointing now, it has a practical elegance to it.

 

You can ask for more contact in the interim, but you shouldn't wait for him and you definitely shouldn't press exclusivity because he won't give it to you across the miles. I think pressing for Skype is OK. Just keep the convos light. Maybe 3-6 months before he's set to come help him start job hunting. You can research the immigration issues now to make sure you have all your ducks in a row when the times comes.

[whyhello]

Hi d0nnivain, thank you for the insight - really appreciate your assessment of the situation and thanks for your advice. It does seem that he is handling the whole situation in a very practical manner. After posting in these forums I have sort of been able to stand back from the situation and see it in a more objective light. I guess now I just need to have faith that it will work out for us and we will see each other in a few months. In the meantime we shall both enjoy our lives

[justwhoiam]

Hi guys, need your advice decoding his behaviour please!

 

This January, I visited a guy in Switzerland (that I had a fling with in Argentina when we met on our travels in 2012)

Maybe he needs time to decode you. You had a fling with this guy while having a boyfriend at home. Can you imagine all the thinking he might have had? Or still having?

 

things developed between us very quickly.

When everything's so quick, a guy might want to take it slow...

 

I ended up extending my stay there to two weeks

In Switzerland, you mean? This is not clear.

 

He even took me to meet his entire family

This might not mean much, unfortunately. On a side note, what part of Switzerland is he from? German, French or Italian? You didn't tell, and I guess there are differences.

 

BUT he also said that during this year, we should lead separate lives (i.e. not be in an exclusive relationship)

I'm confused by this piece of information. One thing is not being in a relationship, and one quite different thing is being in an open relationship: the latter means you are in a relationship, but not exclusive. I could do the former, but not the latter. So, what did he really offer?

 

if we are both still available in a year's time, he will come over and visit me for 1-2 months, and see if he likes Australia and if he can work here.

This sounds fair and wise, if there's no relationship between the two of you currently going on. But that's not clear, yet.

 

He also doesn't stay in touch a lot...

To me, that means his interest is down to a minimum. He's keeping himself distant somehow. And probably for good reasons. Use this time as a test. You have 6 months to go before seeing him again. And in the meantime, he even suggested you could see him before time while he's in Nepal. Or you could even arrange the entire trip with him. Not sure how traveling with his mom would be, it sounds like a hassle. You'd have little to zero privacy. She would observe you closely 24/7. If there's any tension during the trip for whatever reason (and in Nepal, it might quite likely happen), you might feel like an outcast, or she might see the worst of you. If you're not scared by any of that, and have money to spread, go for it. Otherwise, hold on and January will come soon.

 

I'm confused as to whether he's really serious about me. I mean, lots of signs say yes, but if a guy really likes a girl, then wouldn't he want to keep in touch with her more?

Yes, I agree. But things would escalate pretty quickly, and he's refraining from making that happen. When you have one chance to play your cards well, you want that chance to be perfect or almost, don't you? Might be that, or that he needs to be sure about you and he needs to see the place where you live, he needs to weigh if he's willing to move there, etc. Or he might wait before giving up his single life.

 

I wonder how much he really likes me.

Wait until January. Then while he's there, if he doesn't tackle the topic, after a couple of weeks he's there, you ask him when you could meet up again, if he'd like to see you again, if he wants a relationship with you, etc. That kind of talk is necessary. And depending on his answers, you will decide what to do. And you will know if he likes you much or just a bit, or whatever.

 

If you will then be in a relationship, you need to agree on how to go on from your respective places for the time being. There will be a time where you'll be away from each other, that could be weeks, months or years. Until things are settled: that either means you move to him, or he moves to you, or you both move somewhere else. The first 2 options are best, for practical reasons and to develop a stable relationship where you can live in a country permanently.

 

Can anyone offer any insight into his behaviour? Why is he making me think that he wants to be with me, but offers so little contact? Anyone been in a similar long distance "non relationship" situation before?

This could be due to a number of reasons, and we don't have enough information about him to know exactly what his motives are. I think most guys would have conflicting thoughts in this situation. He doesn't know how serious you are either. You had a thing while on holiday with a boyfriend at home. You have superficial conversations over the internet, he might think this happened in the past with other guys, or it's still currently happening.

 

I would suggest you have your usual, casual chit chatting through texting or whatever. And carelessly ask: XXX (where XXX is his name), do you want me to go out with other guys?

It's a simple, direct question, so that you can understand what's on his mind. He might say:

"it's up to you" = cryptic answer, where if you don't is better, but you are free to...

"No, why are you asking this?" = stupid question, since it looks like you're not in a relationship with him, or... are you?

"Yes, you are single, right?" = very well, now you know (but if you do, be mysterious, and don't tell him what you're up to; tell him you're doing this or that but only if he asks about it)

or a number of different answers.

 

Well, the context was that I told him I missed him a lot after I left Argentina

Stop the IMU or whatever about YOUR feelings. He might miss that and wonder why you "changed". Stop any talk about how you really feel or feel about him. He will probably need to hear that from you soon or later, and he will have to ask you somehow. He will then bring up the topic. Edited July 14, 2014 by justwhoiam

[whyhello]

Maybe he needs time to decode you. You had a fling with this guy while having a boyfriend at home. Can you imagine all the thinking he might have had? Or still having?

 

Yes...I have been thinking about this. In a way I regret the whole thing a lot (even though being with him was fun) because now he might perceive me as unfaithful. But all we did was hang out in a group together for a few days, and spent 2 nights by ourselves, going out to dinner and having drinks. On the last night he kissed me and I let him hold me and kiss me. But we didn't sleep together. As soon as I woke up and sobered up the next morning, I said I was sorry but I can't keep seeing him, I have a boyfriend at home. Then I left Argentina. So I'm hoping he doesn't perceive this as a really bad thing...

 

 

In Switzerland, you mean? This is not clear.

 

Yep.

 

This might not mean much, unfortunately. On a side note, what part of Switzerland is he from? German, French or Italian? You didn't tell, and I guess there are differences.

 

All I know is that he called his mum and was like "mum I have a female friend/girlfriend that I met in South America, I'll bring her to your house tomorrow". (In Swiss German I think the word for female friend and girlfriend are the same...so I dunno what he meant when he used the word.) It was a pretty casual dinner party, he wasn't like "LOOK MUM, MY FUTURE BRIDE!" Although he did kiss me and put his arm around me in front of his family. I think that they may have just thought he was having some fun, but who knows. Any thoughts? He is from the German speaking part and his family's pretty chilled from what I can see, not uptight.

 

I'm confused by this piece of information. One thing is not being in a relationship, and one quite different thing is being in an open relationship: the latter means you are in a relationship, but not exclusive. I could do the former, but not the latter. So, what did he really offer?

 

He said "You should enjoy your life this year, and I will enjoy mine...and come January, if I'm not married, I will visit you." So, I interpreted it as non-relationship. Last week I expressed that I was having a hard time because I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and I'd rather end everything completely (ie cut all communications) if our future looks so bleak. But he said he still wants to keep in touch, and that he's sorry, but January (or maybe December) is the fastest he can make a visit happen, but he will work hard and save up good money.

 

You raised an interesting point about him needing to de-code me. I guess I haven't given him a lot of comfort either because

 

1. we met and hit it off while I was in a relationship.

2. he's the one who has made plans to visit, not me, because I made it clear to him I can't give up my career in Australia and no one will hire me in Switzerland, and I won't have money or holidays to visit him before he can visit me.

3. while I was staying with him he made jokes about me being popular with guys and flitting from guy to guy (I don't know how he got this impression? Maybe it was from being unfaithful in Argentina??), so I guess he feels insecure in some ways and therefore does not want to over-invest emotionally until he can come over and suss me out properly.

 

He's also not very active in the technology area (he doesn't even have FB

) so I guess having an LDR on Skype and email is just unfathomable to him...I realise that people have different communication preferences/reasons for different communication styles. Maybe he's just keeping it cool and practical until the relationship can occur physically and for real...

[Zeurich]

Before say anything I am confused about what you say? At the beginning you talk about Switzerland and next para Australia. Well to deal LDR both parties need to be realistic and also need to patient and need to have the feeling "we want each other" but from your story I dont see that.

But don't blame him for not using newest technology as whats app viber FB Twitter this and that there are some people old fashioned and I know some of them. I think you better ask if he really want you in his life? That will make everything clear don't you think?

As another member says visa issues also a trouble. That sucks in more countries in EU. And I assume it is almost the same every where!

[whyhello]

I live in Australia, he lives in Switzerland. I spent two weeks with him in Switzerland, and now he wants to visit me in Australia in January.

 

I guess you could say that he doesn't want me to play a major part in his life until we can see each other again, from the lack of regular, sustained contact and from not wanting an LDR. He did invite me to come and live in Switzerland and said I can work in his friend's bar until I find a job (I think he was serious, not joking...) but I said I can't give up on my career to be a bartender, not to mention that I can't get a visa apart from a three month tourist visa. So he said he will be the one who comes to me.

 

(I feel like that as this discussion goes on, I give more and more information that was previously not given and maybe some of you guys will find it annoying that I didn't give all the info at first (or was not clear about some things), it's just hard to fit all the detail into one or two posts and I didn't really want to make the first post War and Peace...! But I am trying to summarise the situation as well as I can.)

Edited July 14, 2014 by whyhello

[justwhoiam]

Yes...I have been thinking about this. In a way I regret the whole thing a lot

How can you start anything with him if you already have regrets?

 

now he might perceive me as unfaithful.

Should it be so, he would hardly think of anything serious with you.

 

As soon as I woke up and sobered up the next morning, I said I was sorry but I can't keep seeing him, I have a boyfriend at home. Then I left Argentina. So I'm hoping he doesn't perceive this as a really bad thing...

Well, I'm not a guy, but from what I heard, guys in general do not have a high regard for girls getting drunk. But maybe you explained it was just an episode and that nothing like that happened before. I don't know. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes.

 

All I know is that he called his mum and was like "mum I have a female friend/girlfriend that I met in South America, I'll bring her to your house tomorrow". (In Swiss German

So, he's a Swiss German guy. And he doesn't live with his parents. Start reading stuff about Swiss German people online. You'll find lots of useful information about his culture.

 

I think the word for female friend and girlfriend are the same...

Yes, it should be "Freundin" aka "female friend". But he certainly meant friend not girlfriend.

 

come January, if I'm not married, I will visit you.

Wow. That's not encouraging. "If I'm not married", to me that means "I'm looking (in the meantime)" Addition: "Shouldn't I find anyone else until then, I will visit you". It's really poorly worded.

 

So, I interpreted it as non-relationship.

Yeah. Definitely.

 

On a side note, this reminds me of some Swiss German guy I knew from work. He really had poor manners. When he asked for something, it usually sounded like an order. He used to have a peremptory tone most of the time.

 

he said he still wants to keep in touch

Well, who wouldn't? You provide him with free entertainment. He loves traveling and - with you - he now has a potential link/hosting friend in Australia. It's a win/win situation for him.

 

while I was staying with him he made jokes about me being popular with guys and flitting from guy to guy (I don't know how he got this impression? Maybe it was from being unfaithful in Argentina??)

Maybe. Or maybe you're the friendly, outgoing type talking to anybody in the street. Swiss people do not have this kind of approach with people they don't know. He might have noticed you like flirting and I'm not sure he was going to pay a compliment.

 

He's also not very active in the technology area (he doesn't even have FB)

That has nothing to do with being technologically retarded... it has to do with caring about one's privacy. Not everybody is interested in having their own stuff out there for everyone to see. I am like that too. Actually, people valuing one's own privacy might think negatively of people who feel alive depending on the number of likes they got on any social media... Come on, nowadays there are people going to the bathroom and capturing the moment for eternity, as if the rest of the world were interested in such trivia...

[TAV]

I think you are afraid to ask him a direct question because you are afraid of the answer.

 

I will see you in January if I'm not married? wtf? Not even funny.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think he's told you and is showing you all you need to know. He enjoyed your time together but doesn't want to commit himself to anything more right now, and doesn't want a LDR. He doesn't mind friendly, casual contact but doesn't appear to want anything beyond that for the moment. And yes, the fact that you were in a relationship when you hooked up with him could certainly make him hesitant.

 

He told you he wanted to lead separate lives while you were apart. He is doing so. You want more than that. He joked that if he's not married by January, he will come. This indicates to me that he's keeping his options open and doesn't want to get your hopes up in case he does meet someone else in the meantime.

I'm not sure what else there is to discuss with him, to be honest.

[whyhello]

Yes, when I first heard him say "if I'm not married, I will come visit you", I was shocked and offended. There is no way I'd want to be someone's "backup" option. But his English isn't very good, and also I thought maybe he meant that he thinks so highly of me (and our potential as a couple) that he'd need to meet someone worthy of marriage within the year, to call off his plans to visit. Which is a good thing.

 

You're all correct, he's made his stance perfectly clear and so far, has not done anything that would betray what he's already promise. That's good. However my problem is that I 'expected' someone who is really into me to have more regular, frequent communication with me. He doesn't initiate frequent communication, so to me, I can't help but doubt his love for me, and in turn, wonder if he's serious about coming in January. I think in my mind I have certain expectations of "how people should act", and am not able to fully come to the terms with the fact that people can have very different styles of communication and behaviour that wouldn't necessarily comply with my preconceived ideas. So all of this is very agonising. I need to have faith and get on with my own life in the meantime.

Edited July 15, 2014 by whyhello