Is it possible to develop a relationship cross-country?

[paigej91]

I'm hoping to get advice from those of you are more experienced with long-distance relationships. I've crazily enough got myself into a situation where I am "kind of"/ambiguously dating someone who lives on another continent (never thought it would happen to me haha). Long story short is I studied abroad for a semester and my second week there I met a guy who I ended up dating the entire time there (about 3.5 months). It all actually started out very slow- firstly because I wanted to make sure he was legit/safe because we met at a club. The second reason it started out slow was because of a slight language barrier. When I first arrived there my Spanish was pretty rusty/bad, but by the end of my time there it improved drastically (he also speaks English well, but there are still occasional misunderstandings that come about mainly with cultural differences). The entire time I was there I kept it fairly casual, because I knew I was going to leave eventually and I didn't want to be so attached when I left. Not only that, but I wanted the experience to be about myself - which it was, so I was kind of emotionally distant.

 

Fast forward to now. I came home a little over 2 months ago, and we're talking all the time - even more than we did before because now I have a cell phone plan/WhatsApp. I had no idea if he would still talk to me when I left, but to my surprise we've been talking almost every day, and fairly often during the day. Even on his vacation he texts me/when he's watching the world cup games. His sister also added me on Facebook, and I never met her when I was there- only one of his best guy friends. So he's had to have mentioned me to his family.

 

So to sum things up, I'm in this situation where I don't know that we're dating exactly, but we're definitely talking a lot and given that I'm surely returning there at some point this year (though likely for no longer than a month, because I'm graduated and may have limited PTO), there could be potential in this. I'm finding that I really like talking to him, whether we're jokingly "arguing" about something stupid or sending each other pictures/videos of random stuff that happens. But it's completely possible I'm over-romanticizing the idea of being with him and it could actually not be as great as I'm imagining it when we're in person (that's happened to my friend before with long-distance). I guess I'm not even sure how to take this. Could a real relationship develop out of this? And if so, how do I go about it? And lastly, does it sound like he's even serious or just being friendly? Guys never really talk to me this much if they're not interested in me somehow...but I can't imagine why he'd only be into me for physical reasons when I'm not there.

Edited July 12, 2014 by paigej91

[kolleamm]

I'm hoping to get advice from those of you are more experienced with long-distance relationships. I've crazily enough got myself into a situation where I am "kind of"/ambiguously dating someone who lives on another continent (never thought it would happen to me haha). Long story short is I studied abroad for a semester and my second week there I met a guy who I ended up dating the entire time there (about 3.5 months). It all actually started out very slow- firstly because I wanted to make sure he was legit/safe because we met at a club. The second reason it started out slow was because of a slight language barrier. When I first arrived there my Spanish was pretty rusty/bad, but by the end of my time there it improved drastically (he also speaks English well, but there are still occasional misunderstandings that come about mainly with cultural differences). The entire time I was there I kept it fairly casual, because I knew I was going to leave eventually and I didn't want to be so attached when I left. Not only that, but I wanted the experience to be about myself - which it was, so I was kind of emotionally distant.

 

Fast forward to now. I came home a little over 2 months ago, and we're talking all the time - even more than we did before because now I have a cell phone plan/WhatsApp. I had no idea if he would still talk to me when I left, but to my surprise we've been talking almost every day, and fairly often during the day. Even on his vacation he texts me/when he's watching the world cup games. His sister also added me on Facebook, and I never met her when I was there- only one of his best guy friends. So he's had to have mentioned me to his family.

 

So to sum things up, I'm in this situation where I don't know that we're dating exactly, but we're definitely talking a lot and given that I'm surely returning there at some point this year (though likely for no longer than a month, because I'm graduated and may have limited PTO), there could be potential in this. I'm finding that I really like talking to him, whether we're jokingly "arguing" about something stupid or sending each other pictures/videos of random stuff that happens. But it's completely possible I'm over-romanticizing the idea of being with him and it could actually not be as great as I'm imagining it when we're in person (that's happened to my friend before with long-distance). I guess I'm not even sure how to take this. Could a real relationship develop out of this? And if so, how do I go about it? And lastly, does it sound like he's even serious or just being friendly? Guys never really talk to me this much if they're not interested in me somehow...but I can't imagine why he'd only be into me for physical reasons when I'm not there.

 

Sure a relationship could develop out of this. I have had a LDR before.

Now you need to ask yourself this honestly. Is this guy really worth it?

Would it not be easier to just find someone local?

 

Ah WhatsApp I had that too, is he Asian?

 

Anyways long story short -- You have 2 options.

1. Put an extra amount of effort into this relationship, while not being able to hold him or kiss him for long periods of time without actually flying over there.

2. Find someone local.

 

There is no right or wrong answer, but if you could find someone local I'd probably go for that instead.

 

Good luck

[Moonborn]

It is definitely possible to develope a serious relationship of that kind. My very personal opinion, having experienced a LDR with an american girl for two years, is that it is not worth it. Relationships are complicated enough if your significant other is nearby, there is no real need to complicate things further. And when it doesn't work you generally need more time to realize it owing to the distance, which means you risk spending a lot of time investing yourself in something that is not going to work.

 

However, my relationship ended with me being dumped, so take it with a grain of salt. I may just be bitter about it after all .

[paigej91]

Sure a relationship could develop out of this. I have had a LDR before.

Now you need to ask yourself this honestly. Is this guy really worth it?

Would it not be easier to just find someone local?

 

Ah WhatsApp I had that too, is he Asian?

 

Anyways long story short -- You have 2 options.

1. Put an extra amount of effort into this relationship, while not being able to hold him or kiss him for long periods of time without actually flying over there.

2. Find someone local.

 

There is no right or wrong answer, but if you could find someone local I'd probably go for that instead.

 

Good luck

 

Lol no he's not Asian. I'm not sure why having WhatsApp would have any correlation to that. And the precise reason I don't say that I'm dating him is because I'm keeping my options open incase I do meet someone local who captures my interest. Although, I'm not looking actively and he doesn't seem to be either (he was actually texting me in a bar the other night when he wanted to go home and his friend was still with a girl). In the last 2 years, this is probably the best guy I've dated with the most long-term potential (if you discount the distance and just look at compatibility/qualities). I see a lot of mutual growth opportunities from this too - intellectual conversations, improving a second language, learning about each other's culture (since I chose to study there, I have a very strong interest in the culture), etc. I am a huge traveler at heart so I always have a "flight budget" ready anyway

 

Of course, being the overly cautious person I am with romance, I do question the practicality/likelihood of it working out and being "worth" the emotional investment.

[remote]

Long story short is I studied abroad for a semester and my second week there I met a guy who I ended up dating the entire time there (about 3.5 months).

 

This sounds familiar! I met my boyfriend when I studied abroad in 2011 too, and now we have been together for 3 years. So I would say that, yes, a real relationship can develop out of this.

 

I would say that communication is key. Like you, we dated even though both of us knew I was going to leave eventually. During my last week there, we talked about our relationship, and both decided to stay together and make things work.

 

You have to decide on your own if you want to pursue this relationship. If you want to keep your options open, then I would say don't bother. If you really want to know if this will work, you 2 should probably have a talk about it, rather than play this guessing game.

 

Good luck!

[paigej91]

This sounds familiar! I met my boyfriend when I studied abroad in 2011 too, and now we have been together for 3 years. So I would say that, yes, a real relationship can develop out of this.

 

I would say that communication is key. Like you, we dated even though both of us knew I was going to leave eventually. During my last week there, we talked about our relationship, and both decided to stay together and make things work.

 

You have to decide on your own if you want to pursue this relationship. If you want to keep your options open, then I would say don't bother. If you really want to know if this will work, you 2 should probably have a talk about it, rather than play this guessing game.

 

Good luck!

 

Since your situation is very similar to mine, I have to ask if you knew right away the relationship was worth pursuing or if you had to really consider it hard. I've heard both scenarios and since yours is a success story I just want to hear how you made it work/what happened (if you're comfortable sharing of course ).

 

I now wish I would have talked about it with him before I left, but at the time, I wasn't even sure of what I wanted. I knew it needed more time to develop to see if it would work out long-term. And it is still developing even though it's only over electronics. So now I'm stuck with the option of either waiting until I see him in-person next to discuss things (and meanwhile just go with the flow right now) or simply asking him now straight-up. I would honestly rather ask him in person, especially because our first languages are different. We both know each other's language at an advanced (for him almost fluent) level, so it's not like it'd be hard to talk about over text or Skype, but I do prefer to talk about serious "relationship things" in person.

Edited July 16, 2014 by paigej91

[carhill]

Since LDR and travel fit well with your lifestyle, I'd see how it goes.

 

If I had made some different choices, I'd be posting this from Odessa and wondering if the Russians were going to show up. We were pretty serious for awhile but in the end it was me who chickened out.

 

My vote is, if you're talking relationship stuff, do it in person. If I have one regret, it would be that I didn't tell the lady in person regarding my choice to date someone locally, that latter lady becoming my wife. Like yourself, I prefer intimacies and relationship-related stuff to be done in person.

 

A relationship develops organically when both parties feel the impetus to be together. It just flows. Distance becomes a challenge the couple overcomes. No doubt, as with any relationship, there is risk. Up to you if the results are worth the risk. Myself, I'll never forget that period of life. IMO, that's what life is all about; memories. In the end, if we're lucky, we still have them. Best wishes!

[justwhoiam]

I didn't tell the lady in person regarding my choice to date someone locally, that latter lady becoming my wife.

You regret getting married to this lady you dated locally?

[justwhoiam]

Could a real relationship develop out of this?

Yes.

And if so, how do I go about it?

First of all, see how far he's willing to go with you. Is it just a young fling? Or is he ready for something more? Also, liking him is not enough, obviously. When you're there, see if you're really into him. See if you're in love with him. You need to see how strong your attraction is, and your feelings for him must be strong too, to survive a LDR. If they're just mild, forget the whole thing.

 

does it sound like he's even serious or just being friendly?

I'd say he seems serious. At least in wanting more of you, wanting to see you again, spending time with you and enjoying time with you. I guess he's seeing potential too. Now, what kind of potential is hard to establish.

 

I'm keeping my options open incase I do meet someone local who captures my interest.

Go for it. Start going out on dates, and see for yourself if you can easily forget him, or your mind and heart are elsewhere... That'd be the best test.

 

I do question the practicality/likelihood of it working out and being "worth" the emotional investment.

Practicality = minimal (having a partner across the ocean means traveling, spending money, dealing with long trips/flights, etc.)

Likelihood of it working out = unpredictable (that just depends on the two of you; 0 to 100, it might be 10 or 90)

Worth the emotional investment = I'd say yes (but too long to explain here in just a few lines)

 

I have to ask if you knew right away the relationship was worth pursuing or if you had to really consider it hard.

I think many people don't decide with their minds, but let their heart decide. I also think doubts are pretty normal for everybody, at first. He had no doubts about being in love with me. His doubts came afterwards, when he realized I fell for him too and we could have something for real. And commitment was involved. That's when a man starts wondering and weighing. Before that it's all unicorns and rainbows.

[paigej91]

Since LDR and travel fit well with your lifestyle, I'd see how it goes.

Good point - I've always had this fantasy of moving somewhere else and working as opposed to just traveling, so there's some practical potential.

 

A relationship develops organically when both parties feel the impetus to be together. It just flows. Distance becomes a challenge the couple overcomes. No doubt, as with any relationship, there is risk. Up to you if the results are worth the risk. Myself, I'll never forget that period of life. IMO, that's what life is all about; memories. In the end, if we're lucky, we still have them. Best wishes!

 

So, that process of developing organically can happen (finish) via electronics only? I remember very well thinking to myself (towards the end of my time there) that I wished I had more time to see the relationship unfold/develop. Leaving without that closure is kind of annoying

[remote]

Since your situation is very similar to mine, I have to ask if you knew right away the relationship was worth pursuing or if you had to really consider it hard. I've heard both scenarios and since yours is a success story I just want to hear how you made it work/what happened (if you're comfortable sharing of course ).

 

I now wish I would have talked about it with him before I left, but at the time, I wasn't even sure of what I wanted. I knew it needed more time to develop to see if it would work out long-term. And it is still developing even though it's only over electronics. So now I'm stuck with the option of either waiting until I see him in-person next to discuss things (and meanwhile just go with the flow right now) or simply asking him now straight-up. I would honestly rather ask him in person, especially because our first languages are different. We both know each other's language at an advanced (for him almost fluent) level, so it's not like it'd be hard to talk about over text or Skype, but I do prefer to talk about serious "relationship things" in person.

 

We didn't know right away, I guess we were both just trying to get to know each other. There was a lot of uncertainty. I considered really hard, I knew that if he doesn't make plans to come see me, I won't be going back to see him any time soon. We live too far apart, and I had other travel plans. I also wanted to see if he was serious, thankfully he came 6 months later.

 

I think it's okay to wait till you guys meet again to discuss serious stuff. We didn't use the L-word till we met again 6 months later too, that was kinda another milestone. And even though we talk about future plans online, we usually only seriously talk about it when we meet, because it's easier to gauge what the other person is truly thinking.

 

Commitment is probably something that made it work. We talk every single day, whether it's skype or just messenger. Only times we had trouble talking every day was when we traveled to places with little internet connectivity, like India and Costa Rica, but we still make the effort whenever possible (my phone bill was crazy).

 

We should keep in contact! I only know 1 other friend in LDR, it's good to talk to others.

[carhill]

You regret getting married to this lady you dated locally?

Reflecting upon life, perhaps. At the time, no. All else being equal, I think the distance and cultural challenges were beyond my abilities at the time. So, IMO, probably better for everyone in the end. I wasn't ready to ex-pat and K1's were tough back during the mid-90's, far different than now.

 

Back to the OP's situation, IMO, the only way to know is to go, and frequently. Work out visits and learn to travel cheap. LDR's, IME, take commitment and resources, far different than dating and having a relationship locally. If either party isn't up to that, chances of success are pretty slim. As comparison, my 'LDR' with the lady I married, who only lived 60 miles away, was nothing. That was like driving to town. 6000 miles? Big difference.

[paigej91]

LDR's, IME, take commitment and resources, far different than dating and having a relationship locally. If either party isn't up to that, chances of success are pretty slim. As comparison, my 'LDR' with the lady I married, who only lived 60 miles away, was nothing. That was like driving to town. 6000 miles? Big difference.

 

Resources is a biggie - especially with this kind of distance. If it failed I can only imagine how annoyed I'd be at myself for spending money on flights and stuff so often. My currency is stronger, so in that regard I have more monetary resources. However, he's got a pretty good/competitive job locally where he's at so it could work.

 

It looks like this might be a "play it by ear" or "give it time" situation. Worst case scenario is I will have a good, far-away friend

[paigej91]

We didn't know right away, I guess we were both just trying to get to know each other. There was a lot of uncertainty. I considered really hard, I knew that if he doesn't make plans to come see me, I won't be going back to see him any time soon. We live too far apart, and I had other travel plans. I also wanted to see if he was serious, thankfully he came 6 months later.

 

I think it's okay to wait till you guys meet again to discuss serious stuff. We didn't use the L-word till we met again 6 months later too, that was kinda another milestone. And even though we talk about future plans online, we usually only seriously talk about it when we meet, because it's easier to gauge what the other person is truly thinking.

 

Commitment is probably something that made it work. We talk every single day, whether it's skype or just messenger. Only times we had trouble talking every day was when we traveled to places with little internet connectivity, like India and Costa Rica, but we still make the effort whenever possible (my phone bill was crazy).

 

We should keep in contact! I only know 1 other friend in LDR, it's good to talk to others.

 

Haha how eerily similar. I have plans on going back in 6 months too. Though not because of him; because my friend and I want to travel/revisit the place. There's definitely a lot of unspoken uncertainty right now too, but I don't really see a point in bringing it up over text because like you said, it's hard to gauge body language and such (especially with a potential language/cultural barrier). And yeah, in some ways I felt like we're still feeling each other out because of the uncertainty/distance. How long did you guys spend "getting to know each other" before you started considering yourselves together?

 

I agree that it's good to talk to others who are in a similar situation - none of my friends are in LDRs so it's a hard situation to talk about with them (hence why I posted on here ).

Edited July 21, 2014 by paigej91

[thekid36]

I'm hoping to get advice from those of you are more experienced with long-distance relationships. I've crazily enough got myself into a situation where I am "kind of"/ambiguously dating someone who lives on another continent (never thought it would happen to me haha). Long story short is I studied abroad for a semester and my second week there I met a guy who I ended up dating the entire time there (about 3.5 months). It all actually started out very slow- firstly because I wanted to make sure he was legit/safe because we met at a club. The second reason it started out slow was because of a slight language barrier. When I first arrived there my Spanish was pretty rusty/bad, but by the end of my time there it improved drastically (he also speaks English well, but there are still occasional misunderstandings that come about mainly with cultural differences). The entire time I was there I kept it fairly casual, because I knew I was going to leave eventually and I didn't want to be so attached when I left. Not only that, but I wanted the experience to be about myself - which it was, so I was kind of emotionally distant.

 

Fast forward to now. I came home a little over 2 months ago, and we're talking all the time - even more than we did before because now I have a cell phone plan/WhatsApp. I had no idea if he would still talk to me when I left, but to my surprise we've been talking almost every day, and fairly often during the day. Even on his vacation he texts me/when he's watching the world cup games. His sister also added me on Facebook, and I never met her when I was there- only one of his best guy friends. So he's had to have mentioned me to his family.

 

So to sum things up, I'm in this situation where I don't know that we're dating exactly, but we're definitely talking a lot and given that I'm surely returning there at some point this year (though likely for no longer than a month, because I'm graduated and may have limited PTO), there could be potential in this. I'm finding that I really like talking to him, whether we're jokingly "arguing" about something stupid or sending each other pictures/videos of random stuff that happens. But it's completely possible I'm over-romanticizing the idea of being with him and it could actually not be as great as I'm imagining it when we're in person (that's happened to my friend before with long-distance). I guess I'm not even sure how to take this. Could a real relationship develop out of this? And if so, how do I go about it? And lastly, does it sound like he's even serious or just being friendly? Guys never really talk to me this much if they're not interested in me somehow...but I can't imagine why he'd only be into me for physical reasons when I'm not there.

 

The only way of knowing what will develop is being open to what may come. Distance only needs to be temporary. The right person happens to be permanent. I was in a long distance relationship with someone for a very short period of time. Today, we are living together. Nothing was going to keep me apart from her once I knew she was the right one. Do not deny what might be possible just based on the fact that you don't live next to one another.

[HereNorThere]

I'm hoping to get advice from those of you are more experienced with long-distance relationships. I've crazily enough got myself into a situation where I am "kind of"/ambiguously dating someone who lives on another continent (never thought it would happen to me haha). Long story short is I studied abroad for a semester and my second week there I met a guy who I ended up dating the entire time there (about 3.5 months). It all actually started out very slow- firstly because I wanted to make sure he was legit/safe because we met at a club. The second reason it started out slow was because of a slight language barrier. When I first arrived there my Spanish was pretty rusty/bad, but by the end of my time there it improved drastically (he also speaks English well, but there are still occasional misunderstandings that come about mainly with cultural differences). The entire time I was there I kept it fairly casual, because I knew I was going to leave eventually and I didn't want to be so attached when I left. Not only that, but I wanted the experience to be about myself - which it was, so I was kind of emotionally distant.

 

Fast forward to now. I came home a little over 2 months ago, and we're talking all the time - even more than we did before because now I have a cell phone plan/WhatsApp. I had no idea if he would still talk to me when I left, but to my surprise we've been talking almost every day, and fairly often during the day. Even on his vacation he texts me/when he's watching the world cup games. His sister also added me on Facebook, and I never met her when I was there- only one of his best guy friends. So he's had to have mentioned me to his family.

 

So to sum things up, I'm in this situation where I don't know that we're dating exactly, but we're definitely talking a lot and given that I'm surely returning there at some point this year (though likely for no longer than a month, because I'm graduated and may have limited PTO), there could be potential in this. I'm finding that I really like talking to him, whether we're jokingly "arguing" about something stupid or sending each other pictures/videos of random stuff that happens. But it's completely possible I'm over-romanticizing the idea of being with him and it could actually not be as great as I'm imagining it when we're in person (that's happened to my friend before with long-distance). I guess I'm not even sure how to take this. Could a real relationship develop out of this? And if so, how do I go about it? And lastly, does it sound like he's even serious or just being friendly? Guys never really talk to me this much if they're not interested in me somehow...but I can't imagine why he'd only be into me for physical reasons when I'm not there.

 

It's hard, lonely and an expensive investment, but possible. My good friend married his wife from overseas and they're doing great. However, it took them 7 years and lots of money to it.

[carhill]

Yep, I worked that angle (LDR) for about three years in total and budgeted around 20K for the process, with knowledge that it would likely go to 50K or so by the time the K1 and green card were done, including travels to see family. Distance relationships aren't cheap. Expat was cheaper, at least US-FSU, but then there's the challenges of surviving and thriving in the expat country. No easy answers, IME.

 

Some of the guys I came to know and depend on for help in those early years are still married and have grown children now. IME, with my small sample, the marriage/divorce rate roughly mirrors more general stats for the US. One of the 'good guys' who I got to know pretty well expatted and died a couple years ago, leaving a wife and kids in Ukraine. He had been married nearly 15 years at that point.

 

Presuming US-EU in this case, with generally equal economies and freedom of movement, IMO the main determinant is the mutual interest and resources of the couple. If I lived here and met someone in, say, Madrid, I'd learn how to get back and forth to Madrid cheap and see how it went. Likewise for the person I had met. If we wanted to be together, we'd figure out a way. The main difference with a disadvantaged economy, using Venezuela as an example of a Spanish speaking country where travel is increasingly difficult because of the currency collapse, is the travel onus becomes more upon the person from the advantaged economy. I had this issue with the FSU, save for one lawyer I dated who worked for the WHO and they paid for her official travel and visas and she visited the US regularly. That kind of circumstance would be an exception.

 

It's far easier to date someone who lives around the corner in the same town but sometimes two humans meet up and something impels them to be together. IMO, it's worth exploring. I think of it as the adventure of life.

[remote]

Haha how eerily similar. I have plans on going back in 6 months too. Though not because of him; because my friend and I want to travel/revisit the place. There's definitely a lot of unspoken uncertainty right now too, but I don't really see a point in bringing it up over text because like you said, it's hard to gauge body language and such (especially with a potential language/cultural barrier). And yeah, in some ways I felt like we're still feeling each other out because of the uncertainty/distance. How long did you guys spend "getting to know each other" before you started considering yourselves together?

 

Haha, it does sound similar. Hmm, we knew each other for about 5 weeks before he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. We were both new to the school (he was a transfer), and hung out in the same clique of friends, so we pretty much hung out everyday. Our timetables were totally the same too, different classes but we end class in the same building and tend to run into each other at the end of the day. Lots of coincidences. We didn't click right when we met, we only got closer the 3 weeks before we went official. Even when we went official, we are still getting to know each other and no one knew whether it would last after I leave. Yup, lots of uncertainty too.

But 3 years down the road, like now, we will be amazed how much we (and you guys) have gone through together.

 

I don't think there's a right or wrong to anything. Just make sure both of you are ready to commit before you guys commit.

[paigej91]

It's far easier to date someone who lives around the corner in the same town but sometimes two humans meet up and something impels them to be together. IMO, it's worth exploring. I think of it as the adventure of life.

 

How should one continue "exploring" this long distance? I would like to do this, but, I have no idea how to go about it. We didn't have a talk about where things stand before I left so it ended on an ambiguous note. Do we just have to wait ~5 months until I make a vacation back to his country? I don't necessarily want to put my life on hold for something without certainty. With that said, I'm not exactly actively looking/dating either.