Meeting soon! Has anyone been in this situation before?

[kimiky]

Hello everyone, been following this forum since some years since i have been in a ldr myself, and well, we are meeting for the first time in september! We met on internet some years ago, and i finally decided to travel to see him for two weeks.

 

Peculiarity here is, i'm staying at his house, and he does not live alone, he lives with his full family, that involves parents, siblings, etc... I would like to know if anyone has been on this situation before since i need some advice. I'm pretty shy, and the idea kind of makes me uncomfortable, but staying there means being able to stay more + well, get his fammily to know me and share more time together. I know the basics of manners and cooperation with the housework, and that i should bring a gift myself (to demonstrate being grateful to letting you stay in their house). Am i missing something? I would like to have some extra ideas, advice and recommendations, since is not that easy to stay in somebody else's house, specially your boyfriend's!

 

Also... extra ideas of what to do while i'm there with him? Some special detail to make the meeting more unique? Btw I'm 20, he is 23, from the same country, met in online game, if anybody will ask

[d0nnivain]

I am not a fan of OLRs & I think it's crazy to stay with somebody you don't know. Negativity out of the way . . .

 

Make sure you are on the same page re: sex. Will you have your own room or is he expecting you to share his bed?

 

Make sure everybody at home knows how to contact you & the exact street address where you will be staying.

 

Please tell me you have at least Skyped with his parents & they know you are coming? If not, don't go.

[jay1983]

Have you skyped with him or any of his family?

[kimiky]

I have skyped lots of times, we try at least once a week. We are going to meet, not to have sex, and i will have my own room.

Sorry to sound rude, but i want advice, not a safety class or people to tell me what i must do. I have everything assured 100%, if i had doubts about his identity i wouldnt even think of going. Came to ask for the pretty part of the meeting

[jay1983]

I have skyped lots of times, we try at least once a week. We are going to meet, not to have sex, and i will have my own room.

Sorry to sound rude, but i want advice, not a safety class or people to tell me what i must do. I have everything assured 100%, if i had doubts about his identity i wouldnt even think of going. Came to ask for the pretty part of the meeting

 

WTH are you talking about? I referring to meeting his family to be sure they're good about you staying there. I don't know where you got all that other sh*t.

[kimiky]

WTH are you talking about? I referring to meeting his family to be sure they're good about you staying there. I don't know where you got all that other sh*t.

Read 2nd post, i didn't quote

[ExpatInItaly]

Even though you don't want to hear it, I will echo what another poster already said: I would never stay in someone's home the first time I met them. Safety concerns aside, what happens if you don't click in person? You are stuck. What happens if his family are a bunch of a-holes? You are stuck. I think it's unwise to put yourself in this situation, but it's your life.

 

I have to ask also - why are you traveling to him? Is there a reason he can't travel or meet you half-way? Who is footing the bill?

 

Beyond that...I guess you just need to mind your manners and not over-stay your welcome. Assuming his parents know you're coming and exactly how long you'll be there, try to spend lots of time out of the house. I would feel very suffocated and uncomfortable hanging out with a virtual stranger's family all day.Or even an established boyfriend's family. Have lots of alone time away from them, but respect their house rules.

[justwhoiam]

i should bring a gift myself (to demonstrate being grateful to letting you stay in their house)

I'm not sure if you live in the same country/state. Anyway, if I were you, I'd bring something for each one in the family. Something personal for each of them, no matter how small. It might be something you know they'd appreciate or something typical from the place you come from, but that they can like.

 

I would like to have some extra ideas, advice and recommendations, since is not that easy to stay in somebody else's house, specially your boyfriend's!

My advice is as follows and strictly personal:

1) Make plans for what to do in those 2 weeks. That will mean having days out and nights out.

2) Don't unpack your stuff, while you're there.

3) Don't leave your bags/luggage in the way/middle of the room, even if you have your own room. If possible, put your luggage in a wardrobe, so that it's out of sight and you keep the room tidy.

4) Lock your luggage after you take anything from it, as if it were your standard routine. No one will think you're weird, just that you're meticulous, and therefore reliable. Plus, no one will be tempted to peek into your stuff.

5) They might encourage you to use their washing machine and do your own laundry. If you happen to have a half day on your own at home (with him), do your laundry. Otherwise, avoid that. Too personal, too soon. Just say that you took so many things with you, you won't need that for a little while. And say thanks.

6) Do not wake up late in the morning, like 11 am. Everyone will think you're some lazy girl... and won't hope to keep you in the family. Even if other siblings are doing so, do not follow their "teachings". Make sure when the family is used to have breakfast, so that you're fresh and presentable at the morning table.

7) Always make your bed and leave the bathroom tidy and clean.

8) Don't lock yourself in rooms with him. If you need to say anything to him in private, do not whisper into his ear, rather move to another room, when you know you're alone. Or wait when you're out, in the car, whatever, to talk to him.

9) Should you witness any "fight" between members of the family, keep your cool and try not to take sides. Just smile and be relaxed, unless it gets physically violent. In that case you should leave the house with him. If words become offensive (cursing, etc.), it's better for you to just move to a different room. I hope nothing like this will happen while you're there, but you know, most families have the occasional fight and you never know when it's going to explode.

 

Also... extra ideas of what to do while i'm there with him? Some special detail to make the meeting more unique?

10) If the parents leave for a couple of hours, use that time to cook/bake something special for the family, if you can/are up to that. Everyone might appreciate that, especially your bf. Like a cake, for example. Make sure you bought the right ingredients.

11) Knowing when everyone is used to be in the kitchen for breakfast, prepare each place nicely. With a flower or a good morning card. It will put a smile on their face.

[d0nnivain]

I have skyped lots of times, we try at least once a week. We are going to meet, not to have sex, and i will have my own room.

Sorry to sound rude, but i want advice, not a safety class or people to tell me what i must do. I have everything assured 100%, if i had doubts about his identity i wouldnt even think of going. Came to ask for the pretty part of the meeting

 

A reminder to be safe is advice.

 

 

What do you want me to say about the "pretty part" of the meeting? You seem to be living in a romanticized version of life, not the real world. It doesn't work like the movies. Even if after you run through the AP to fall into each other's arms & he scoops you off the ground to twirl you round & round before kissing you breathless, do you understand that is where the movie ends? Cue sappy music & credits.

 

 

You are in essence going somewhere to meet strangers.

 

 

JustWhoIAm offers you several concrete suggestions.

 

 

Pay attention to the household routine & conform your behavior to it. Be polite. Be respectful. Avoid too much PDA -- limit the handholding, the kissing, the lap sitting etc. Other people don't want to see that.

 

 

Call your own parents when you arrive safely to ease their minds & to show his family that you care about others' feelings.

 

 

Write a thank you note to the parents when your visit is over.

 

 

Good luck.

[Zahara]

Aside from all the beneficial advice that has been given, I am not sure if staying in their home for two weeks is the smart thing to do. What if you don't get along with him or you don't fare well with the family or it's an uncomfortable environment for you? You're stuck in their home for two weeks.

 

A connection online is very different from a connection in person. Bear that in mind.

 

You could break that up. A few days in a hotel and slowly ease your way into their life that way you're not overwhelmed and forced into an environment that is outside of your element. If you feel you're getting along and you're comfortable, you can always spend the next week living with the family.

 

You can still bond with him and his family without having to live under their roof.

 

In any case, make sure you have enough money to fund for Plan B -- just incase.

[kimiky]

@ExpatInItaly and @Zahara

Yes I know the consecuences, I know we might not click. However, I try to be possitive about it, and if we happen to don't get along, it will happen also if i'm staying in a hotel, but that doesn't mean I will run away and leave him alone, and it can happen the same to him. The risk is taken, and it's something we must do, for me, if it happens to fail, at least it will be a new experience.

He is not able to travel atm, I have more possibilities instead.

 

@JustWhoIam

We do live in the same country. And thanks, thats a lot of what I need will take everything into account. You sound really experienced, I admire all your replies in this forum.

 

@d0nnivain

Just a way to call it, I mean I know how to take care of myself, I just want some tips for the "other" part of the meeting which I called "pretty" because it's about going out and having fun, it's not like I live in valentines day.

I don't think he will make me interact much with the family but it's always nice to know what to do in the ocassion

 

Thanks for all you replies

[ExpatInItaly]

@ExpatInItaly and @Zahara

Yes I know the consecuences, I know we might not click. However, I try to be possitive about it, and if we happen to don't get along, it will happen also if i'm staying in a hotel, but that doesn't mean I will run away and leave him alone, and it can happen the same to him. The risk is taken, and it's something we must do, for me, if it happens to fail, at least it will be a new experience.

He is not able to travel atm, I have more possibilities instead.

 

@JustWhoIam

We do live in the same country. And thanks, thats a lot of what I need will take everything into account. You sound really experienced, I admire all your replies in this forum.

 

@d0nnivain

Just a way to call it, I mean I know how to take care of myself, I just want some tips for the "other" part of the meeting which I called "pretty" because it's about going out and having fun, it's not like I live in valentines day.

I don't think he will make me interact much with the family but it's always nice to know what to do in the ocassion

 

Thanks for all you replies

 

Staying in a hotel and staying in someone's home are just not the same..nor is the risk taken if things don't work out. If you're in a hotel, you have your own space. You have privacy and free to come and go as you please. You don't have that in someone else's home.

 

Given that you seem to have already made plans - does your family know where you will be? What is your plan if it doesn't go well?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think he will make me interact much with the family but it's always nice to know what to do in the ocassion

 

 

Exactly how is that going to work out? You will be living in their home. I would anticipate that you will be taking some (most?) of your meals with these people. Do you think you were going to eat alone in the room where you are staying? They may be working during the day while you are on vacation but you won't have the isolation / privacy / escape of being in a hotel. I think his family will be hurt & think poorly of you if you don't share the majority of family dinners with them.

 

 

Rather than assuming you won't have much interaction with his family, I would assume that somebody will be around 24/7 for the duration of the stay. You need a plan to deal with that.

[FitChick]

I couldn't stand to spend two weeks with good friends, never mind strangers. Cut your trip to a week. If he wants to see you again, let him come to you.

[kimiky]

Staying in a hotel and staying in someone's home are just not the same..nor is the risk taken if things don't work out. If you're in a hotel, you have your own space. You have privacy and free to come and go as you please. You don't have that in someone else's home.

 

Given that you seem to have already made plans - does your family know where you will be? What is your plan if it doesn't go well?

The thing is I'm not going with the idea of things failing, if it has to happen wrong, I will take the responsibility myself. If it fails, it can remain friendly, due to how we are. Still I would be surprised after so many years if it fails.

My family is cool with it indeed.

 

Exactly how is that going to work out? You will be living in their home. I would anticipate that you will be taking some (most?) of your meals with these people. Do you think you were going to eat alone in the room where you are staying? They may be working during the day while you are on vacation but you won't have the isolation / privacy / escape of being in a hotel. I think his family will be hurt & think poorly of you if you don't share the majority of family dinners with them.

People work, go to school, etc. I will share some meals, that doesn't mean all of them, that's what i meant.

 

I couldn't stand to spend two weeks with good friends, never mind strangers. Cut your trip to a week. If he wants to see you again, let him come to you.

Indeed, considering it too.

[Els]

When I was in college, my ex would visit and stay in my family home. I assume from your post that you are both students, so I can understand how even a stay at a cheap hostel would be heavy on the wallet after paying for plane tickets. Obviously it is not an ideal situation to be in, but if the only other choice is to not meet at all, then I can see why you would do this. Do be sure that your family knows exactly where you are going, and to raise an alarm if they don't hear from you.

 

Having gotten all that out of the way, I do think you are underestimating how much interaction you would have with the family. Obviously you will not need to be with them 24/7, but a couple hours everyday in the evening would be expected. You will not get any privacy barring the times when you go out on dates with him.

 

During the times that you are home with the family, try and engage all members of the family, not just your bf. Talk to their siblings, especially the sisters. Do whatever you can to help with the house chores. Be social with all of them and keep the PDA down in the house.

[kimiky]

When I was in college, my ex would visit and stay in my family home. I assume from your post that you are both students, so I can understand how even a stay at a cheap hostel would be heavy on the wallet after paying for plane tickets. Obviously it is not an ideal situation to be in, but if the only other choice is to not meet at all, then I can see why you would do this. Do be sure that your family knows exactly where you are going, and to raise an alarm if they don't hear from you.

 

Having gotten all that out of the way, I do think you are underestimating how much interaction you would have with the family. Obviously you will not need to be with them 24/7, but a couple hours everyday in the evening would be expected. You will not get any privacy barring the times when you go out on dates with him.

 

During the times that you are home with the family, try and engage all members of the family, not just your bf. Talk to their siblings, especially the sisters. Do whatever you can to help with the house chores. Be social with all of them and keep the PDA down in the house.

 

Exactly, little money going on. An my familly will have everything, I already sent some gifts so i know his adress is right.

I will try i'm kind of awkward though, but i need some confidence. About PDA, i wouldn't in front of anyone, so thats alright with me.

Edited July 9, 2014 by kimiky

[dudemeister]

I'm a guy so maybe some of what I write will not apply to you but I was in a LD relationship and both me and my gf visited and stayed at each other's parents houses for a week. She visited me once and I visited her multiple times. My first meet though, I drove up for two days and stayed in a hotel for the exact reason that others have stated - I wanted to see if we clicked in person. Since you are set on a 2 week stay then I'll just offer my 2 cents.

 

Before each of our first trips we Skyped many times with each other and also with each others parents. Her parents actually wanted to Skype with me and my parents. This way we both had an idea how everyone was like.

 

I'm a shy person myself and socializing with her family scared the crap out of me. When I came in the house, her whole family came out to meet me all at once. I think that's the best way to get over the nervousness - just get it over with as quickly as possible. Meet everyone right away. After that initial meet I felt normal around everybody.

 

The whole giving gifts thing must be a chick thing because I have never brought anything with me. My gf at the time did bring a bunch of little knick knacks like mugs and stuff for everyone which my family loved. Then my mom sent gifts to her family. Lol. I don't get it, but whatever. I also don't understand the advice that you should bake something for them while you are there? Again, must be a chick thing.

 

Since I am a huge introvert I did not want to socialize with her family too much so I made sure that we were doing things out of the house every single day. Since you are tight on money I know that will be difficult but not impossible. Do your research before you get there and look online to get an idea of which places you want to check out. We were home for dinner every day and that was the only time that I really got to socialize with the whole family. Be ready for that and if they are a normal family be ready to answer many questions. I actually didn't mind all the question, it kept me from worrying about what to talk about.

 

Do be clean and polite.

 

Do not plug up the toilet! LOL. If you do, make sure they have a plunger! Haha. Man her family teased me about that one for a long time.

 

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to make sure you don't smother him. You are going from being apart all time to living together for two week. Find stuff to do on your own and don't hover around him all the time. When I visited I made sure to go for bike rides and walks on my own. I had a car so I was also able to check out some local places on my own. Nothing crazy but an hour or so away from each other really helps.

Edited July 9, 2014 by dudemeister

[Viking-Liz]

Dont have much to add, except from good luck

[kimiky]

@dudemeister

You made laugh a lot lol. Thanks for that piece of experience And going outside by my own I don't think it will be possible in my case, not to say directly impossible, besides it could be possible to be considered rude to leave alone to have some "space". It won't be this time I guess. It was nice to hear from a dude's side haha.

 

@Viking-Liz

Thanks mate