i don't know

[Annabelee]

I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 8 months now, when we first met on one of the social media we just clicked... it all happened too quickly, and he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes and everything was so perfect at first... he was so sweet and caring, calling me beautiful and sharing with me. We both had tough childhoods and teen years and we connected on so many levels. We shared pictures, videos and talked on skype when we had time. Then he came to visit me and it was everything I thought it would be... We had so much fun and chemistry was almost visible...we shared perfect days and nights.. my family has welcomed him, but they made some problems later when we wanted to go away by ourselves to the city... and he resented them..

After he left everything stayed perfect for another week or so, but then he started changing.. he stopped asking or sending any pictures, anything personal from him is a no for me, like he's shutting me out, he says he loves me but I can't see it, and I tried and tried to make him open up again and he just says everything will be okay later, it's just the way I am to everyone... and i was patient, there is no more romance or anything remotely nice toward me, and I'm scared, so scared i'm loosing him... because I love him too much, I never felt like that before... what should I do? what can I do?

I'm sorry if my english is bad, english is not my mother language:(

[Moonborn]

I have three questions.

 

1) How much time has passed from when he came to visit you?

2) How old are you both if you don't mind sharing?

3) And, was this the first time you were meeting in person? How long did he stay? (OK I guess this makes them 4 questions technically)

 

It may help people understand what is going on here.

Edited July 5, 2014 by Moonborn

[Annabelee]

I have three questions.

 

1) How much time has passed from when he came to visit you?

2) How old are you both if you don't mind sharing?

3) And, was this the first time you were meeting in person? How long did he stay? (OK I guess this makes them 4 questions technically)

 

It may help people understand what is going on here.

 

It has been almost 5 months since i last saw him, and i'm 20 he's 19, and yes it was... we had no money to see each other again after that :/ He stayed for 26 days when he was here

[noskilljustluck]

I kind of feel he got intimidated by your family. As im guessing, he stayed with you in your house all that time ( judging from the problem you mentioned. Correct me if im wrong though.)

 

Try communicating with him better, use a direct approach. Try to indulge him in light conversations and then move the topic to you and him. Try reminiscing your time together with him to see his responses.

 

If they are positive, thats good, if negative then try asking him if you have done something offensive and or if he's stressed by another thing.

 

Either he is stressed or intimidated. There's always a possibility of him opting out of the RS and having a potential candidate. You just need to talk better and see what he has to say.

[Annabelee]

I kind of feel he got intimidated by your family. As im guessing, he stayed with you in your house all that time ( judging from the problem you mentioned. Correct me if im wrong though.)

 

Try communicating with him better, use a direct approach. Try to indulge him in light conversations and then move the topic to you and him. Try reminiscing your time together with him to see his responses.

 

If they are positive, thats good, if negative then try asking him if you have done something offensive and or if he's stressed by another thing.

 

Either he is stressed or intimidated. There's always a possibility of him opting out of the RS and having a potential candidate. You just need to talk better and see what he has to say.

 

 

He is not intimidated by them, i think he doesn't like them because of how they treat me, and i think that's part of the reason is why he didn't visit since,

i tried, i tried talking and he always shuts down, he is stressed because of his family and i think now with mine (it's very complicated by his family so i won't explain) he's also worried because he's going to navy soon and i'm moving to the capital in my country for college (that makes him happy, that i'll get away from them), we are both very stressed lately but i always find time for him and he can't do same for me, i know he is not used to share his feelings because he was neglected all his life and he moved a lot so he doesn't have many friends to talk to about stuff, but i'm his girlfriend, he used to open up and now he won't... and he made plans to marry me after i finish college and it's stressing me that he is going to navy and we will have a long distance relationship for the most of our lives, he expects me to move to england where i know noone and he won't be there most of the time, i don't know... i'm just so confused.

and i'm 98% sure there is no other girl in his life... hah i now think it's all due stress

[Moonborn]

 

and he made plans to marry me after i finish college and it's stressing me that he is going to navy and we will have a long distance relationship for the most of our lives, he expects me to move to england where i know noone and he won't be there most of the time, i don't know... i'm just so confused.

 

 

I think he is going too fast there, and from what you say it kind of sounds like if you come second in the relationship. 26 days physically together is enough time to call it a relationship, but it is definitely not enough time to start talking about marriage. If you were saying, plans to live together, I could understand. But in my opinion he is asking you too much too soon.

 

Would you actually be interested in going to live in England if he wasn't for him? I was ready to move to the US to go live with my ex, but it wasn't something I was doing for her exclusively. I am still interested in going there even now that we broke up. If you are thinking about moving out of your country just because of him I think you should be very, very careful about what you do.

[Annabelee]

I think he is going too fast there, and from what you say it kind of sounds like if you come second in the relationship. 26 days physically together is enough time to call it a relationship, but it is definitely not enough time to start talking about marriage. If you were saying, plans to live together, I could understand. But in my opinion he is asking you too much too soon.

 

Would you actually be interested in going to live in England if he wasn't for him? I was ready to move to the US to go live with my ex, but it wasn't something I was doing for her exclusively. I am still interested in going there even now that we broke up. If you are thinking about moving out of your country just because of him I think you should be very, very careful about what you do.

 

It all happened very fast... i did want to live there my whole life actually, even before i met him, i do want to spend my life with him... just don't want to be alone there most of the time, and seeing how much he wants to go there breaks my heart and i don't want to say anything to ruin that good feeling in him because that's the only thing making him happy these days... i am a very social person and need to be surrounded by friends :/

 

It's not just because of him, it's because of me to, my country has no job opportunities for me and i never wanted to live here in the first place, so.. as long as it's up to me i want to go as far as away from my family as i can...

[Moonborn]

It's not just because of him, it's because of me to, my country has no job opportunities for me and i never wanted to live here in the first place, so.. as long as it's up to me i want to go as far as away from my family as i can...

 

Yes, I can definitely relate to that, things are not that shiny here either. Just make sure you don't forget yourself for his sake or the sake of your relationship. I did that with my ex, and it was a big mistake. As for him being distant, if you have tried already talking with him give it time, and try not too stress too much over it.

[Annabelee]

Yes, I can definitely relate to that, things are not that shiny here either. Just make sure you don't forget yourself for his sake or the sake of your relationship. I did that with my ex, and it was a big mistake. As for him being distant, if you have tried already talking with him give it time, and try not too stress too much over it.

 

thank you for this advices, really, it helped to finally open up to someone...

i just don't know how much longer i can wait... i'm trying, i'll be there for him always, i just want to feel loved again at least sometimes, last night i had a meltdown and we talked a bit more, and i can feel behind his words that he is sencere about his feelings, he just can't really show it... and that's the thing i hate most, if not to me who will he open to.. noone..

[justwhoiam]

I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 8 months now

So, considering you met him in person 5 months ago, that means he visited you after 3 months from when he got to know you.

 

my family has welcomed him, but they made some problems later when we wanted to go away by ourselves to the city... and he resented them..

I guess you planned wrong and skipped the planning part.

1) You need to be smarter than your parents. You were forbidden to leave your home town when you're soon leaving for another city for college and steadily living out of home for months in a row. How would have they supported such topic? How could they justify their decision? You could have easily turned things your way.

2) It looks like you didn't consider that in advance, with some rough planning and preparing your parents to that possibility before that was coming. The result was poor. You created conflict at home and this was so unfortunate, because it was your boyfriend's first time meeting your parents.

3) When he didn't get what he wanted, you should have taken 1/3 of the responsibility. 1/3 was his own responsibility, for not planning. And only 1/3 was your parents' responsibility. And you shouldn't have let him direct his frustration to them, rather to the both of you, for your inexperience, young age and immaturity as a newly born couple.

4) I don't know anything about your family. It might be dysfunctional or whatever, as far as I know. But let's assume it's just one of the many imperfect families everyone of us comes from, it'd be in your own best interest to be on good terms with them. Even if you should end up thousands of miles away from them. For good. You start re-evaluating your family in your 30s and 40s. That might be for the better, or for the worse. But you'll see things with different eyes, especially if you'll have kids yourself.

 

After he left everything stayed perfect for another week or so, but then he started changing..

I guess you underestimated the situation. Because this means, he's been different for 5 months now. Which most of your relationship time.

1) You were not free to do anything, so it seems, and never visited him.

2) If he visited you, it was not to live your relationship "freely", although you're both of age.

So the combo with the additional LD is like poison. One can even accept being far away for months in a row, but then what do you have?

 

what should I do? what can I do?

I think you should start to have a say at home, on your future. Show you're responsible and know what you're doing. Have your parents be proud of you. Try to minimize conflicts as much as possible. Try to spend time with him out of home, but keep minimum contact between parents and boyfriend, so that they don't feel like you're neglecting their advice, etc. They need to be taken into consideration and not feel ignored. The same goes for your boyfriend.

 

we had no money to see each other again after that

There are many solutions to that. Get cheap flights way in advance. You can get nice deals within EU. Then couchsurf, so that you won't have to spend money to rent a place or have a room in a hotel. You should change places now and then, because it'd be difficult to surf anywhere for more than a week.

 

he doesn't like them because of how they treat me, and i think that's part of the reason is why he didn't visit since

His judgement is based on what you tell him about them. Avoid talking s-it about them. Point out the little good they do now and then. When you have to vent, talk to one of your girl friends. As you're so very social, talk your frustration out with someone else. Leave him out of that, don't build resentment in him. It's going to play against you in time.

 

he's also worried because he's going to navy soon

Did he make this decision with you or without you? If you really want to have a future together, this is something that should have been discussed together. What do you know about the path he's taking? What are his plans? Did you get independent info about what he told you? Just to see if it matches reality?

 

he made plans to marry me after i finish college

Wouldn't that be in 5 years, at best? It seems too soon to plan something like that right now. Try to plan when/how you can meet each other in the next 5 years instead. Because that's the most important thing to keep your relationship going and not break up in the middle of it.

 

he expects me to move to england where i know noone and he won't be there most of the time, i don't know... i'm just so confused.

Well, while studying at uni, you should be able to go abroad with some student exchange program. When you get that chance, seize it, and go to the UK. You'll get a taste of it. You might make new friends there. Try to go near where you'd want to live afterwards.

 

i want to go as far as away from my family as i can...

I understand that. I felt that way too for many years. Then I moved out. It started getting better.

 

i can feel behind his words that he is sencere about his feelings, he just can't really show it...

You need to have a nice atmosphere to open up, not stress, frictions, etc. Create that atmosphere. Make it sure you have a future together, with concrete plans. Otherwise, everything's just up in the air, and he can't just hide it.

[Moonborn]

...

 

There you go, I don't think you can possibly get a more complete and sounder advice than this . There's a few tips I could have used myself in my past relationship.

[Annabelee]

just... thank you... so much! we talked it through calmly and said everything what is going on, and what we want it to be, and i think we'll make it somehow, i bought a plane ticket and i'll be seeing him again in august

thank you again, all of you