Ldr breakup and situation.

[noskilljustluck]

Im a passive defensive person, and when someone lashes out at me, I usually just stay quiet. Seldom it is, that I pass a sarcastic remark back. I can be sarcastic, but for him, I've put that aside as he hated this trait in me.

 

So anyways. Long story short, I was a month away from meeting my ex this summer, after a long time of ldr. We have had lots of arguments, breaking and making up. Couldnt get to meet him before because Ive been studying and had no free time.

 

The argument escalated from his side, from a short scuffle over definition of a word ( he was adamantly making his point how that word can only be defined as such and nothing else. Whereas, I merely presented my idea of a roundabout meaning. It was strewn and I was told repeatedly told what it meant, not once but three times in half an hour. Then ten times the next day when the argument re-ignited.) as he was upset that I was moody because of his domineering behavior and how he 'ordered' me

" I expect you to follow my words better in future."

 

He used mean words. Brought back bitter things from the past.

Directed insults towards me. Lots of profanities.

 

I just listened calmly, for a while, cause sometimes a partner's got to be tolerant and understanding, right? But I was in tears after an hour, and I tried very hard to cheer him up and get him off the topic. We werent camming, so not gonna blame him for having no idea about my sentimental state. But, he does know I tear up quick when he lashes out like that. Still...

 

There was no end to it. It stopped cause I became silent.

A day passed, and in it I decided to break up.

 

He messaged me with "How are you, and goodmorning." but no apology. So I let him know how I felt with silence.

The next day he messages me again. I openly tell him, that I am not in the mood to talk with him. And he says

 

"Youre still sour? Okay. I dont want to ruin my day off, talk to you later."

This he says, despite having three consecutive day offs.

 

That broke something inside me, and I deleted everything, threw out everything that was his remembrance. When I told him, that im fine without you talking and ive taken things off. He only replied with a

 

"Thats fine."

 

And that was it. I became silent, he didnt care to ask my motive either.

 

I really want to move on, but something in my mind keeps telling me that something is amiss. Is it? For this guy, ive done things despite not wanting to, done what I could to save our relationship whenever he held it hostage with some 'request/order' of his. For him, I left my friends, I changed direction of my career and was willing to travel to another state.

 

Im grasping at straws,at things to get me away from these thoughts. I try to indulge in healthy activities (like playing badminton, going to park, reading books, music, window shopping etc) but I cant focus as good.

I try to tell myself that things will work out and what not. But im tongue tied with the recurrent insecurities my mind puts me through.

 

So please share with me, how to mend time and feel of ldr breakup.

[umirano]

Fights are always hard to end when one side can't say what they're upset about, or that that they are upset in the first place. On the other hand your ex sounds like an exhausting person to talk to, if he's so particular about words and doesn't 'feel' that you're upset.

 

It sounds like both of you weren't in a mind set to give in and to read between the lines. Both things are necessary in a good stable RS. Especially if LD.

 

I think breaking up isn't the worst thing. Give it time. Usually when fights like this start it's a sign that one or both people in the RS are stressed out (thus impatient) and/or insecure. Maybe some other projects in your lives aren't working out as you'd hoped. That's at least what I've found to be the cause of very similar issues in my last LDR.

 

Take time for yourself, to become happy and content. Trying just for the sake of trying is not going to make you happy.

 

Good luck

[umirano]

I really want to move on, but something in my mind keeps telling me that something is amiss. Is it? For this guy, ive done things despite not wanting to, done what I could to save our relationship whenever he held it hostage with some 'request/order' of his. For him, I left my friends, I changed direction of my career and was willing to travel to another state.

Sounds very familiar. Well, it didn't happen (the moving etc.). As for the missing thing... IDK, that's what I thought too for a certain time. I think it was a part of me which didn't want to be alone. Trying to justify getting back together. But being alone can be healthy and helpful. It's definitely better than being in a damaged RS.

 

Im grasping at straws,at things to get me away from these thoughts. I try to indulge in healthy activities (like playing badminton, going to park, reading books, music, window shopping etc) but I cant focus as good.

I try to tell myself that things will work out and what not. But im tongue tied with the recurrent insecurities my mind puts me through.

 

I totally feel you. You need time, all loving RS take a lot of time to heal from. The only difference is sometimes people start moving on when they're still in the RS. Be patient. I'm in the process of healing too. Today was a bad day. I heard a song on the radio that my ex showed to me first.

 

Keep busy. Sports are good. Go out with friends, spend time with family or get lost in a video game. Anything goes.

[Moonborn]

 

I can be sarcastic, but for him, I've put that aside as he hated this trait in me.

 

...

 

he was upset that I was moody because of his domineering behavior and how he 'ordered' me

" I expect you to follow my words better in future."

 

...

 

"I dont want to ruin my day off, talk to you later."

 

 

Nobody deserves being treated this way. He sounds like somebody who is totally focused on himself and doesn't really care about others. Especially the last sentence gave me chills. You were showing him that you were hurt for something he had done, and instead of trying to understand why he simply brushed it off. That's not how you treat somebody you love.

 

 

For this guy, ive done things despite not wanting to, done what I could to save our relationship whenever he held it hostage with some 'request/order' of his. For him, I left my friends, I changed direction of my career and was willing to travel to another state.

 

 

I believe that every relationship, no matter how it ends, brings experience that can help you improve yourself, and I think that this may be your lesson for the future. It is perfectly fine and normal to do things for the person you love, and compromise is definitely a skill that many people would do well to learn, but you absolutely cannot allow people to walk over you and mess your life up for their sake. Compromise must come from both sides, otherwise it is not compromising, it's being a slave to the other person.

 

I can only imagine how much you are hurting right now, but please consider this as an opportunity to work over yourself and find your own way in the world. A few years from now you will look back and you'll be glad it ended this way.

[noskilljustluck]

your ex sounds like an exhausting person to talk to, if he's so particular about words and doesn't 'feel' that you're upset.

 

It sounds like both of you weren't in a mind set to give in and to read between the lines. Both things are necessary in a good stable RS. Especially if LD.

 

Usually when fights like this start it's a sign that one or both people in the RS are stressed out (thus impatient) and/or insecure.

Trying just for the sake of trying is not going to make you happy.

 

Good luck

 

Once he gets in the mood to prove another wrong, he does it until the other person knows no better but to keep quiet.

 

Its not that we werent paying attention to the words or statements, its just that from making a point he moved to drilling words in.

 

Its true, he has been stressed with job and with us being apart. And he often took out his frustrations on me by starting short arguments and giving way to bigger fights. His patience would run out if I said one wrong word.

 

I wasnt just trying, I was in it to make it work, for the good of us.

[noskilljustluck]

Nobody deserves being treated this way. He sounds like somebody who is totally focused on himself and doesn't really care about others. Especially the last sentence gave me chills. You were showing him that you were hurt for something he had done, and instead of trying to understand why he simply brushed it off. That's not how you treat somebody you love.

 

 

 

I believe that every relationship, no matter how it ends, brings experience that can help you improve yourself, and I think that this may be your lesson for the future. It is perfectly fine and normal to do things for the person you love, and compromise is definitely a skill that many people would do well to learn, but you absolutely cannot allow people to walk over you and mess your life up for their sake. Compromise must come from both sides, otherwise it is not compromising, it's being a slave to the other person.

 

I can only imagine how much you are hurting right now, but please consider this as an opportunity to work over yourself and find your own way in the world. A few years from now you will look back and you'll be glad it ended this way.

 

He's isnt self centered, but sometimes he did things that were so indifferent to me. I often felt like I was talking to a completely different person when he acted like that. It was that sentence that pushed me to my breaking point. I never wanted to break up, in fact..each time he broke up with me, I did what I could to make up and it wouldnt be wrong if I say, that the last time I pretty much begged him to not leave me.. I was just afraid of losing my own person, as I associated my happiness with him.

 

Youre right though, this will be a good experience for me. It will keep me from repeating my mistakes. I just want to indulge in things and keep myself away from moping. I would turn to my family for support, but they are too busy with their own life and they never approved of him in the first place. Im far away from my irl friends, as I left them for him

 

So its a little hard to cope with the feelings I get now and then.

NC is my best way so far. Been a week.

 

But I just dont know how much time it will take for me to get over it. I want to know what people do to strive through this , thats why I posted here.

[Moonborn]

I come from a LDR breakup myself. For me it is really vital to spend time outside of my house. A major part of my relationship passed through my laptop and my cellphone, so when I am forced to stay at home for several days all the memories jump back in my mind and they make me miserable. When I manage to go out everything is much better.

 

I would try to get in contact with your old friends and see if you could hang out with them again. I had lost connections too but they were more than happy to have me back (the important ones at least). I am not gonna lie tho, it is going to take time. Some days you will feel better, and you'll get to the point where you can spend extensive amount of times without thinking about it. And then you'll have the odd day when you feel as miserable as you felt at the beginning. At least that's how it is for me.

 

It is a long journey, but we'll get there. Stay strong .

[umirano]

well said, Moonborn.

 

OP, don't try to over analyse. You won't find closure or a nice clean scientific explanation what exactly went wrong, nor a silver bullet to save you from future heartache. Why not? Because it doesn't exist. Life, relationships, people are way more complicated. I'm guilty of the same thing though so don't feel bad. I'm just saying it's not helping.

 

It just wasn't the right moment. He felt insecure/stressed out and couldn't focus on the good RS that was in front of him. It was in a way the same thing with my ex and I. But what's the point of milling it over and over again. It's what it is. If they want it to work they'll come back or they wouldn't have left in the first place.

 

In a few weeks/months you'll feel much better. I'm feeling better. BU was 3 months ago. NC was broken today, but I'm not back in the hole. I'm doing very well.

 

Have a nice weekend, meet some friends and hit the gym!

[noskilljustluck]

I come from a LDR breakup myself. For me it is really vital to spend time outside of my house. A major part of my relationship passed through my laptop and my cellphone, so when I am forced to stay at home for several days all the memories jump back in my mind and they make me miserable. When I manage to go out everything is much better.

 

I would try to get in contact with your old friends and see if you could hang out with them again. I had lost connections too but they were more than happy to have me back (the important ones at least). I am not gonna lie tho, it is going to take time. Some days you will feel better, and you'll get to the point where you can spend extensive amount of times without thinking about it. And then you'll have the odd day when you feel as miserable as you felt at the beginning. At least that's how it is for me.

 

It is a long journey, but we'll get there. Stay strong .

 

 

Yeah, it takes time. I'll try contacting my close friends, see if they care. ^-^

Its just the coming and going of feelings which is hard to deal, but yes we'll get through.

Thankyou very much for your kind words.

[noskilljustluck]

well said, Moonborn.

 

OP, don't try to over analyse. You won't find closure or a nice clean scientific explanation what exactly went wrong, nor a silver bullet to save you from future heartache. Why not? Because it doesn't exist. Life, relationships, people are way more complicated. I'm guilty of the same thing though so don't feel bad. I'm just saying it's not helping.

 

It just wasn't the right moment. He felt insecure/stressed out and couldn't focus on the good RS that was in front of him. It was in a way the same thing with my ex and I. But what's the point of milling it over and over again. It's what it is. If they want it to work they'll come back or they wouldn't have left in the first place.

 

In a few weeks/months you'll feel much better. I'm feeling better. BU was 3 months ago. NC was broken today, but I'm not back in the hole. I'm doing very well.

 

Have a nice weekend, meet some friends and hit the gym!

 

I think a lot anyways, usually the negatives. I know it isnt good, but I cant control my thought flow sometimes. However, once im lost in chores and routine work, I kind of forget it at times. Its not that I want any justification out of it, I understand his stance and my own very well. its just that I really wish I didnt have to go through this hurt. It maybe a little immature of me saying this, but I am not the person who can easily leave one in hopes of being with another. To me, one is enough, always. So now that its over, I feel devastated, because I still lost despite all my efforts.

 

Yes it is true , time will make me feel better. And I will learn to forgive him then move on. Thankyou so much, for your gentle words. I hope your day is good too and you too stay strong through this.

[Moonborn]

 

I think a lot anyways, usually the negatives. I know it isnt good, but I cant control my thought flow sometimes.

 

 

Thinking is what makes us humans instead of animals. You just have to be strong enough to not let the thoughts crush you.

 

 

It maybe a little immature of me saying this, but I am not the person who can easily leave one in hopes of being with another. To me, one is enough, always.

 

 

I wish more people in the world were this way... I really do.

[noskilljustluck]

Thinking is what makes us humans instead of animals. You just have to be strong enough to not let the thoughts crush you.

 

 

 

I wish more people in the world were this way... I really do.

 

I guess, its okay if the thoughts crush me, the pain will make me strong. And I wish that too.