nomadic_butterfly Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) About 9 months ago I wrote about a guy I had met online and long story short, he kept giving me excuses of why we could not meet so basically 9 months into talking to him, I started to explore local options. After some investigating, I found out he really did go on a mission trip to Africa and truly did fall in love. That allowed me to complete relinquish any remnants of hope and I have fully accepted there's no possibility of a future there. First in my mind (logic) and then in my heart (emotionally). I found out all this via Facebook about 2 weeks ago. Rewind to over 3 1/2 months ago....just when I was about to throw in the towel on online dating and thought I wouldn't get my money's worth (I joined two paid sites, to what I thought was to my chagrin). So I met another guy and almost two weeks later he said he would fly to my city and asked me to look up flights and hotels. I of course didn't believe it. After all of that, he ended up not coming as he said a last minute trip would be too expensive and it just reminded me of my previous situation and I didn't want to set myself up for being disappointed and given the run around again so I cut him off. It was also peak time at work where I was putting in 60-70hr work weeks so it was easy to staying busy and ignore him. Then after a month of pleading and telling me how much he missed me/our conversation (our first Skype sessions was like 8hrs long), I told him he lost all credibility when he said one thing with strong conviction but didn't follow through. He was determined to catch my attention so he told me to check my email. He booked me a ticket to see him for the weekend as he was traveling in the States for a month and was in NY, where I was from. It was almost unbelievable he would drop that kind of money on me. He said no matter how it turned out it would be worth it because at least he didn't have to wonder any longer, "what if." We met in person on the east coast and he met my best friend and she really liked him and said we had great chemistry. Our first date lasted 13hrs!! It would have been longer but the trains stopped running at a certain time in the area I was staying! He has such a great time he flew out two weeks later (last weekend) to see me again. My roommate saw us and instantly said, "wow, you have great chemistry. Do you see the way he looks at you?!" I am not sure if I want to do long distance though. I've voiced my concerns. He works in the medical field and has plans to move to America next summer after getting certified by the American board. He asked me to be his gf after the first trip (I said it's too soon, let's discuss specific goals, dates, and deadlines before I commit to anything) and he inadvertently confessed he loved me a couple days ago (second trip but I avoided the relationship "talk"). I could tell based on his actions long before that he was starting to fall. No matter how it turns out, I have restored faith and hope in love and that there are decent men out there. It also helped me to realize how NOT into me the first guy was. Always so many excuses not to meet up. The new guy said well maybe the previous guy was just nervous about investing that much into someone he'd never met yet the old guy was pretty well to do yet the new guy makes a decent but not "abundant" living but thought me to be worth the sacrifice. I don't have any questions..was just reflecting Edited July 1, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm glad you're taking it slow. I don't know, but probably he wanted to move to the US before even knowing you... so just keep it slow and see what happens. Let him sweat his guts out a bit, to see if he really cares, or if he's just setting up a nice hookup for when he moves. I know he blurted out the ILU, but to some guys that's no big deal. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 this story makes me feel better about myself. i was hurt too by an online girl. just wanted to ask wen u first met u brought ur friend along? isnt that a sign of not interested? also how did u know if u were just meeting as friends or more? sorry for the qs im.just wanna learn Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Long distance dating is no different from local dating only you see each other less frequently and spend more money. I I've had guys pay for my trips to another country with no promises from me that they'd get anything in return . We were both honorable people who wanted to get to know each other better and not regret not meeting, just in case this we'd turn out to be Mr or Ms Right. We are the last true romantics. So I know these things do happen, despite skeptical friends trying to discourage you or being jealous that someone would literally go that "extra mile" to be with you. If someone likes you they will make the effort to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nomadic_butterfly Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) this story makes me feel better about myself. i was hurt too by an online girl. just wanted to ask wen u first met u brought ur friend along? isnt that a sign of not interested? also how did u know if u were just meeting as friends or more? sorry for the qs im.just wanna learn I was staying with my best friend and the guy brought me some goodies from the Caribbean that were perishable so he travelled over 2hrs just so he could give me the items at my place so I wouldn't have to leave our date early to bring them back to where I live before they went bad. Our transport back to the city was coming soon so I asked my best friend to follow me to the bus stop so she could take the goods back to the house. It was then she saw him and made the chemistry comments. We both made our intentions and motives clear BEFORE the travel. I would not have accepted the trip and took time off from work for a "friend." My time is too valuable. We met on a dating website so the nature of what we were looking for was very very clear from the beginning. We already told each other that we fancied one another. I think it's never a bad idea to have a friend nearby as a woman when meeting some man from another country whom you met on the internet. Better safe than sorry. It's not a signal for disinterest because I'd look out for my girlfriends in that way too. Edited July 1, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly Link to post Share on other sites
Author nomadic_butterfly Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm glad you're taking it slow. I don't know, but probably he wanted to move to the US before even knowing you... so just keep it slow and see what happens. Let him sweat his guts out a bit, to see if he really cares, or if he's just setting up a nice hookup for when he moves. I know he blurted out the ILU, but to some guys that's no big deal. Good luck. Yea, thanks! A lot of guys do say that carelessly but in our culture, even amongst family you don't say it often. My parents tell me they love me all the time NOW, but growing up, I never heard it. I have maybe seen my parents kiss twice in my entire life. I was laying on his chest and then I looked him in the eye and said, "do you love me?" Then he said, you mean as a person? Then I said never mind. He then said if I told you, you would probably laugh at me, which of course would hurt his feelings. I laugh a lot so I guess I can kinda understand this assumption. The last girl he told he loved her told her she didn't believe him and basically left him for her ex. Then he said, "of course I love you, isn't it obvious? I just didn't think the time was right to reveal to you yet, but of course I won't lie about how I feel." Based on his willingness to sacrifice in multiple ways and actions, etc. I could tell he did so I just wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. He writes me a lot of poetry and for weeks have been saying in the poems, he feels so much but one day he will tell me all that's on his mind and in his heart. I am glad he didn't ask me if I loved him too because I don't yet. Because of my upbringing, I have mainly showed it in action and not be too verbal about it. I have only ever loved one man romantically in my life as well. It's something so precious and sacred that I have to be sure before I embrace it and let someone know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 some guys will stay or invite a girl to theirs for a weekend on their first meet. wat you think of that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nomadic_butterfly Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 some guys will stay or invite a girl to theirs for a weekend on their first meet. wat you think of that? It really depends. Does she know anyone in that town? How old is she? How long has she been talking to the guy? Personally, I would not want to sleep over the guy's place during the first meeting if I could help it. I need to meet at least once, know we get along in person, and then feel comfortable. I would stay in a hotel the first day, and if it went well, then I would sleep over. I am very careful in general as I have been stalked before. Whenever I meet someone new from online I will email my best friend his name, age, where/how we met, where he's from, what he does, where he works, his picture, his number, and what we planned on doing that night/weekend. One can never be too careful, especially as a woman. In general though, I have very good judgement of character. I usually still take the safest route! Link to post Share on other sites
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