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Goodbye letter


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Hey guys :) I just registered and I'm posting this here because I feel like it’s the only place I can find people who actually understand this situation and (sadly) some that have been through this too.

 

 

Disclaimer:

 

1. This letter is extremely personal. And there are things that you won’t understand, but I think you can pretty much get the picture.

2. There might be spelling errors. English is not my native language.

3. It’s a long letter. If you don’t want to read it, then don’t. It’s that simple.

 

 

Quick backstory

 

Basically, I met him online in the most random way and we discovered this deep connection between us. This guy… I never felt so attracted to anyone before. We are both from Europe but from different countries. We talked in some way (texted through skype, calls or videocalls) practically every day for 5 months we had even started to talk about meeting, and then… he disappeared. The last time we talked was more than a month ago and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m heartbroken. I decided to write him a goodbye letter, hoping I can somehow move past this. I can’t tell you if he was the love of my life, but he definitely was the love of my life so far.

If someone actually reads this, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Liam,

 

I never thought I would be writing something like this to you, definitely not under these circumstances, but, unfortunately, I guess there’s nothing left to do anymore except this.

 

When I met you that crazy night, I was so glad to have found just a decent person to talk to and a cool company. We got along pretty well and we continued talking. The night turned into days, days turned into weeks, and soon enough, I started to know you. You told me about your life, what you did for a living, the places you’ve been and everything about you seemed fascinating. I started to realize how kind, intelligent and funny you were. How honest, responsible (but not too much) and open minded you were, and how much I liked talking to you. To my amazement, you showed an interest in me too. You actually listened and you seemed to enjoy my company as well. We started getting closer and intimate, and magic started happening.

Somehow, without even touching, thousands of miles away, we could trigger this powerful reaction on each other. It’s amazing how you could be so sweet to me and at the same time, provoke me with such passion. I wanted you. I wanted to know you. I wanted to know the way you taste, the temperature of your skin, the exact tone of blue your beautiful eyes are, how soft your lips would feel pressing against mine, the sound of your sweet voice whispering in my ear, the way you would hold me in your arms and even the way your laugh would sound when you made fun of me. I wanted to feel the goose bumps on my skin once I saw that gorgeous smile right in front of me, because of me. I wanted you, just like you are. Even with your bad singing, or your “panic” of mannequins and your “fear” of dogs. And even with your bad knee or the scar on your wrist that kept you from getting a tattoo.

 

I felt so deeply attracted to you in every way. I was intoxicated by you. Every little detail of you.

 

You told me I was beautiful and sexy, and for the first time in my life, I really believed it. I felt it. Every time you complimented me in any way, it meant more to me than you can imagine and I’m sure your words will stay with me forever. You showed me a fire within me, this wild side I didn’t even know I had. You showed me what it feels like to be appreciated and to feel cherished. You showed me what it’s like to feel wanted, and in a way, loved.

 

The only problem was, that in the middle of all this, I failed to see the obvious: This had to be too good to be true.

 

The last time we talked everything seemed so perfect, you seemed happy even though you were a bit ill, we talked and we had fun like we always did, and then… you left. Not only did you leave, you disappeared. Just like that. Like you said once, “it’s normal to lose interest”, and yes I agree. What is not normal is to lose complete interest overnight.

How could you say you wanted me around and you wanted to take care of me, and then.. leave? How could you tell me that I was your dream girl and that you had feelings for me, and not mean it? That’s just cruel.

 

I exposed myself to you, I undressed for you, I was intimate with you in ways I had never been with anyone else before. I trusted you completely. I know this sounds silly believe me, especially because it was all through a computer screen. But still… Clearly that doesn’t mean a lot to you, but it does to me. And if you don’t believe that I trusted you, consider this: I was willing to get on a plane and fly to another country just to meet you.

 

I remember thinking, “Couldn’t this be dangerous? Should I really do this?”. I had hundreds of reasons to say no, but then I thought… “Why not?” Now is the time to take risks, explore and go on new adventures. And oh what an adventure it would have been…

After months of dreaming about it, we would finally have the chance to make it come true, make it real, and we at least owed it to ourselves to try, even if it didn’t work out. I wish I could tell you that it was going to work out. That we were going to “click” the second we saw each other at the airport. That we were going to feel the same way about each other up close, then when we did thousands of miles away. That we were going to have so much fun together, walking around the city, going out for dinner, talking about anything random or just acting silly with each other. I wish I could tell you that, but I can’t, because I don’t know. I don’t know if any of this was going to happen. But despite everything I don’t know, I do know this: I would have done anything to make you happy, to see you smile.

 

It kills me to see how hard it is for me to let go of you, and how easy it was for you. So easy that you didn’t even think twice, you didn’t even looked back. Before anything else, I considered you my friend, but apparently I’m not even that to you, I don’t even deserve an explanation. Not even a goodbye.

I must have done something very wrong for you to leave like this, so whatever it was, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not reaching your expectations. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry we didn’t even get the chance to meet. A chance to know how far our chemistry really went.. It’s a pity, really. I think something amazing could have come out of all of this, even if it was just for a couple of days.

 

All the dreams and plans we had... You and me, the city and your bike, skinny-dipping and bonfires, road trips and mix tapes, and most of all… Paris. All of that seemed so real at some point. So possible. And yet, even with all those plans, if somebody told me I could choose a single moment to share with you, I would probably choose just waking up next to you. Funny, huh? Just that simple.

 

I’m not going to say that I wished this never happened or I wish I had never met you or things like that, because I would be lying. I’m glad I met you. I got to meet a totally unique person, unlike any other I’ve met before.

 

I hope you don’t think I wrote all of this “just because” and I certainly hope that these are not just words to you. I have never been more honest and open with anyone ever before. And yes, it’s weird and uncomfortable and scary, but necessary sometimes. I’m exposing myself to you one last time, it feels.

 

I’ve been debating if I should send this letter or not because on one hand I’m letting you know how I feel about you, but on the other hand, it means saying goodbye. And saying goodbye to you is the last thing I want, but I guess I have to. It’s been long enough. I can’t keep waiting for the message that never comes or to see your face once again. I don’t want to fool myself anymore. Not knowing what the hell happened is the worst, but false hope, that’s what really hurts.

 

I don’t know if you still come here but sadly I have no other way to reach you. Chances are you won’t even read this, but I had nothing to lose anymore. Probably a little selfish of me, but maybe now I can finally try to get some closure of all this. Don’t worry, I can take a hint, I won’t bother you again, and you don’t even need to reply to this. Maybe it’s best. Some things are better left unsaid and without saying anything, you’ve said it all.

 

Thank you for all the things you taught me, and all the good memories. Thank you for sharing yourself and your day-to-day with me, even if it was just for a few months of your life. I’m glad I got to be present in the start of a new phase of your life, when you moved to the next step. You got promoted, you became an uncle, you got your own apartment and I got to see you grow in a way, and I felt proud of you. And even though it was in such a small way, I was glad to be a part of it.

 

In spite of all this, I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in life, that everything works out for you, and, most importantly, that you find someone who makes you truly happy, because in the end, it all comes down to that.

 

Goodbye stranger.

Susana

Edited by SusieMusie
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First get the moderators to let you edit your posts to remove your names.

 

 

Second, if writing that letter & posting it here made you feel better, I'm glad you found an outlet. There is no need to send this to him. I realize you said you have no way to reach him but putting this much of yourself out there on the internet can only hurt you more.

 

 

be careful with your identity.

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d0nnivain

 

There is nothing here that could tell who I am, where I'm from or even my real name. Same with his identity.

 

I appreciate your concern, and thank you for your reply.

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Please do not send this.

 

I believe this is your last ditch effort to provoke an emotional response from him.

 

Write it for your own purging of feelings and thoughts.

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HeavenOrHell

There's no need to send a goodbye letter if you've not heard from him for a month, it won't make any difference now. But maybe it was helpful for you to write it all down, I hope so.

It's not a real r/ship until you've actually met that person and spent time with them, until two people meet they don't know if the chemistry is there in real life, it is all a fantasy until then, so to me what you wrote seems a bit over the top, sorry :(

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There's no need to send a goodbye letter if you've not heard from him for a month, it won't make any difference now. But maybe it was helpful for you to write it all down, I hope so.

It's not a real r/ship until you've actually met that person and spent time with them, until two people meet they don't know if the chemistry is there in real life, it is all a fantasy until then, so to me what you wrote seems a bit over the top, sorry :(

HeavenOrHell,

I never said he was my boyfriend or anything like that. Of course you can't call someone that unless you meet that person and spend time with them. But, that doesn't mean that we didn't have some kind of relationship. You have a relationship with your friends or your family, it's not exclusive to lovers.

Regarding the chemistry, I wrote that i didn't know if it was real, we could only know that if we met, so I agree with you.

What do you mean it seems over the top? Nothing of what I said was an exaggeration of what I felt and I know he feels/used to feel the same way about me on many points. Or do you think I write texts like this just for fun? :D I can assure you my feelings for him are real even if it sounded "over the top".

 

You don't think i should send a goodbye letter after a month so do you think I should wait? Or forget about it?

 

Thank you for your reply.

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Susie, do not send the letter. We're all telling you not to do it. A month from now, don't do it.

 

You're building on an image you've created, a fantasy that you've anticipated in your mind -- it isn't real. Yes, you bonded over technology but honestly, you could have been communicating with Joe Moe that's a common criminal for all you know. Do you understand what I'm saying? You know him based on what he presented over a screen. In that sense you created an image in your mind and you've romanticized it.

 

You have a relationship with your friends and family because you've bonded and attached through real life. This is some man you met online. People can be who they want to be, present themselves anyway they want.

 

It's telling that when conversation started about meeting, he disappeared. That's your telling sign. You need to be rational and more realistic about this. It's been a month that he's gone. It's done.

 

Forget this and move on from it.

Edited by Zahara
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Susie, do not send the letter. We're all telling you not to do it. A month from now, don't do it.

 

You're building on an image you've created, a fantasy that you've anticipated in your mind -- it isn't real. Yes, you bonded over technology but honestly, you could have been communicating with Joe Moe that's a common criminal for all you know. Do you understand what I'm saying? You know him based on what he presented over a screen. In that sense you created an image in your mind and you've romanticized it.

 

You have a relationship with your friends and family because you've bonded and attached through real life. This is some man you met online. People can be who they want to be, present themselves anyway they want.

 

It's telling that when conversation started about meeting, he disappeared. That's your telling sign. You need to be rational and more realistic about this. It's been a month that he's gone. It's done.

 

Forget this and move on from it.

I understand what you're saying and I appreciate your advice. I really do.

 

But what made you think I don't know him? Besides the personal stuff, who he is, I mean. Where he lives, where he works, etc. Because I do.

 

By the way, he was the one that asked me to meet. And he was the one who always brought it up. So this "fantasy"exists because he put it there.

 

And I am rational, I wouldn't start to create expectations around "some man I met online" just because he gave me a bit of his attention, I'm not 12 :D I think it would be clear from what I wrote that he is a lot more than that, even though we met online and never met. And I know you don't know me, but trust me, if I'm like this over a guy, it's not a random guy.

 

So maybe I can't explain myself properly but even if it wasn't real, doesn't make this suffering less real.

Edited by SusieMusie
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Where he lives. Where he works. It doesn't mean anything aside from him providing you this information. Anyone can tell you anything. You know him based on what he has told you. Have you met his family, his friends, his colleagues -- outside and separate of the technology realm that has provided you with information and insight as to who he is? Have you been to his home? Have you passed his place of work, seen his car, brought him lunch?

 

He may have asked you to meet but if that intent were legitimate and if he was serious on his part, he would have followed through. He could have a girlfriend in his life, and maybe he decided against it. He could be married with wife and kids, and realized that he was caught in some fantasy as well and snapped out of it. Maybe he got caught and he went off the radar. You'll never know.

 

I know you are not 12. You created expectations because you got caught up with a fantasy. In your mind he is a lot more because you've romanticized and idealized an image.

 

I'm not undermining your suffering. I know you are hurt because you did get emotionally attached to him even if it was online. It's understandable. My objective here is to stop you from prolonging this by sending that letter. Hopefully make you see two sides of the coin that while you're emotional, the reality could be way different from what you emotionally perceive.

Edited by Zahara
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Where he lives. Where he works. It doesn't mean anything aside from him providing you this information. Anyone can tell you anything. You know him based on what he has told you. Have you met his family, his friends, his colleagues -- outside and separate of the technology realm that has provided you with information and insight as to who he is? Have you been to his home? Have you passed his place of work, seen his car, brought him lunch?

 

 

Like I said in the letter, I trust(ed) him completely. So yes, I've seen his car, I've seen his home, his roommates, his place(s) of work, had lunch with him, all of this either through photos or video, cause, as you know, I never met him in person. Now, could all this be fake? Yes. But it's not. It's not him that provided me this information, I've seen it. Besides he has kind of a mediatic job so I know this information is true.

And this is not even an emotional matter, I do know him. You just have to trust me on this one, I guess.

 

 

He could have a girlfriend in his life, and maybe he decided against it. He could be married with wife and kids, and realized that he was caught in some fantasy as well and snapped out of it.

 

Again, I know him. He didn't have a girlfriend and he's definitely not married with kids. Of course that doesn't mean that he doesn't have a girlfriend now, or that he started seeing someone.

 

I'm not undermining your suffering. I know you are hurt because you did get emotionally attached to him even if it was online. It's understandable. My objective here is to stop you from prolonging this by sending that letter. Hopefully make you see two sides of the coin that while you're emotional, the reality could be way different from what you emotionally perceive.

 

Yes, this I know that is true. Like I said, I'm pretty rational. I know that if he didn't say something so far, it's because he didn't want to. I know that if he missed me, he would have contacted me, and I know that if he really had feelings for me this wouldn't even be happening right now. Also, I find it somewhat disrespectful to just disappear on someone like that (I wouldn't do it even if it was with someone I wasn't emotionally attached to) and yet, I can't even get mad at him. I wish I could because it would made things a lot easier.

Edited by SusieMusie
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I'm not going to go back and forth with this anymore and leave you to your perceptions. Send the letter if you want to. I don't believe anyone can offer you the information you need to make that decision except to tell you to move on. Maybe it's what you require for yourself to finally close the chapter on this.

 

Good luck to you.

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I wasn't even talking about the letter anymore, I was just discussing the topic, I hope I didn't offend you any way.

 

Thank you for your time and advice.

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OnlyHonesty

You may not realise this but that guy could never live up to the expectations you had built up in your mind. When you are missing physicality, sense of smell and close proximity, you begin to fill in the blanks and when you do this, it will more likely be with things you want to be there.

 

It's quite possible he realised that in person he could never live up to what you had built him up to be in your mind. In my opinion, this is the biggest problem with online connections.

 

Some of what you wrote in the letter sounds very romantacized but I don't think you want to admit that or see it because it diminishes what you had to some extent. Also, I notice some elements of how you see yourself i.e surprised that someone was interested (self esteem), the fact that you happened to bond with someone who is out of reach and far from arms length is also a telling occurence. Perhaps you fear true intimacy within arms length or struggle to open up to those of the opposite gender who are in close proximity.

 

I also see the showing oneself naked on cam as a close link to self esteem as well.

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No you didn't offend me at all.

 

I'm just not sure how to advise you. You'll keep rebutting the opinions. You know him in bold. And to trust you on that. Just because you saw all these things online, it doesn't justify knowing someone.

 

This will be a back and forth because you can't see reality as much as you keep saying you're rational and realistic.

 

Your email is indicative that you're still in an emotional fog.

 

I hope you find your way through this. Good luck.

Edited by Zahara
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You may not realise this but that guy could never live up to the expectations you had built up in your mind. (...) It's quite possible he realised that in person he could never live up to what you had built him up to be in your mind. (...) Some of what you wrote in the letter sounds very romantacized but I don't think you want to admit that or see it because it diminishes what you had to some extent.

 

That's the thing. I can agree with you it sounds romanticized that's why i said it was to good to be true. For example, those dreams and plans I mentioned, all of those came from him. He built these ideas. That's why it's even more confusing. He was the one who mentioned them for the first time, and he was the one that fed those fantasies. Of course I never told him to shut up about it, but ultimately those "over romanticized ideas", didn't even come from me.

 

Also, I notice some elements of how you see yourself i.e surprised that someone was interested (self esteem)

 

I was surprised because it never happened before. Not in this way at least.

 

I also see the showing oneself naked on cam as a close link to self esteem as well.

 

I didn't show myself naked to him. He never saw me naked and he never saw any.. private parts. I said I undressed for him, but I wouldn't show anything more than I was comfortable with.

 

 

Thank you for your input OnlyHonesty, your comment was a very deep analysis of the situation. And your username couldn't be more accurate :)

Edited by SusieMusie
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My random comments on this thread:

 

1) If your real name is Susana and his real name is Liam, yes, this thread is easily searchable through some googling.

 

2) I don't understand people telling you, OP, not to send your letter. It's your letter, so you can do anything with it.

 

3) I'm confused about the information provided here, though. First, you only have one and just one way to get in touch with him, which I assume is through Skype. Then, you say you know where he works, where he lives, etc. If that's the case, pick up your phone and call him. You can quite easily get access to such information, if you were really motivated to talk to him directly and promptly.

 

4) I hope this experience taught you something wise: never undress yourself or expose yourself in ways you may regret with someone you don't know everything about. And by everything, I mean: mobile number, landline number, home address, work address, work title, shared contacts on his social media profiles (twitter, FB, LinkedIn, you name it...), contacts of his close family (father, mother, siblings...). It's not too much, it's common sense. And if that means waiting, that will be more kudos to him for waiting. If he leaves, he wanted something else, where friendship is not contemplated, nor any other kind of long-term interaction.

 

5) Anything can be a fantasy if you let it be a fantasy. By not gathering the above standard info in the time span of (how many?) 5 months, you allowed the fantasy, even unintentionally.

 

6) Now you need some time to heal from this. My impression reading your letter, without knowing anything about you, is that you are striving to come up with positive feelings, but deep down, you truly have some pain to deal with. Because he left so abruptly, and you feel you didn't deserve such treatment. I like your Pollyanna's approach, and you wouldn't get any comfort from blaming him anyway. But you are focusing too much on your possible wrongdoing, instead of questioning his behavior. That's what's basically wrong in your letter, so obvious to a stranger's eyes.

 

Well, good luck with everything.

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Hey justwhoiam, first of all thank you for taking your time to comment on this. Help is always appreciated, and you made some valid points.

 

 

 

I'm confused about the information provided here, though. First, you only have one and just one way to get in touch with him, which I assume is through Skype. Then, you say you know where he works, where he lives, etc. If that's the case, pick up your phone and call him. You can quite easily get access to such information, if you were really motivated to talk to him directly and promptly.E]

 

 

Yes it is through Skype. I also know all his social media profiles, but we always communicated through Skype. So yes I have many ways to contact him if I want but I thought the point was not to. In fact, there is nothing more I want, then to just talk to him. After the last time we talked (which was a 2 hour video call), a week after that I sent him a message basically asking if everything was alright cause I had not heard from him in a week. That was the last time I contacted him and that was a month ago.

 

 

4) I hope this experience taught you something wise: never undress yourself or expose yourself in ways you may regret with someone you don't know everything about.

 

I don't regret exposing to him. And by exposing I don't just mean physical exposure, in fact, the physical part was nothing comparing to what I shared with him emotionally. But you're right, this experience thought me many things.

 

 

[And if that means waiting, that will be more kudos to him for waiting. If he leaves, he wanted something else

 

Yes and my question is: What?? That's one of the many questions of the horrible "not knowing" part.

If you are referring to sexual intentions, we were pretty much on the same page on that so I don't think that's it.

 

 

6) Now you need some time to heal from this. My impression reading your letter, without knowing anything about you, is that you are striving to come up with positive feelings, but deep down, you truly have some pain to deal with. Because he left so abruptly, and you feel you didn't deserve such treatment. I like your Pollyanna's approach, and you wouldn't get any comfort from blaming him anyway.

 

Yes you're totally right, and I do have more than enough pain to deal with, and I do think I didn't deserve such treatment, especially not from him. But like I said in another post, even with all of this, I don't think I could ever hate him because I'm more hurt than mad.

 

But you are focusing too much on your possible wrongdoing, instead of questioning his behavior. That's what's basically wrong in your letter, so obvious to a stranger's eyes.

 

Yes I see it now, thank you. Even if I didn't express them in the letter, I do have those feelings of "what is wrong with you, why did you purposely cause pain on someone that cares about you", kind of thing. And I didn't include those feelings there because, like you said, it wouldn't bring me any comfort blaming him and because if it really was a goodbye letter, I wouldn't want those negative feelings to be there.

 

So my question is, do you really think I should just "pick up the phone and call him"? Because I checked Skype to see what I had written on the last message I sent him, and he is online right now (he can't see me online). I just want to get online so he can see me and come talk to me, but then again, I know that if he wanted to talk to me he would have left a message by now.

 

 

Thank you! :)

Edited by SusieMusie
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Hey justwhoiam, first of all thank you for taking your time to comment on this. Help is always appreciated, and you made some valid points.
You're welcome.

 

my question is: What??
Some fun? It was surely fun talking to you, getting attention from a pretty girl, having a personal strip-teaser, etc.

 

If you are referring to sexual intentions, we were pretty much on the same page on that so I don't think that's it.
Well, this is tricky, you know? Let a guy know that some cyber sex is what you're looking for, and it's quite likely that he'll think 1) you're used to it, 2) that consequently you've done that with at least several guys, which makes it less special, 3) that discontinuing anything with you won't be a big deal. It's like your feelings are less real, or your a pro flirting girl...

 

if it really was a goodbye letter, I wouldn't want those negative feelings to be there.

 

do you really think I should just "pick up the phone and call him"?
Sure. Why not? If you just don't make a big deal out of it, go for it.

 

I checked Skype to see what I had written on the last message I sent him, and he is online right now (he can't see me online). I just want to get online so he can see me and come talk to me, but then again, I know that if he wanted to talk to me he would have left a message by now.
Well, it's probably like that. And if you sign on while he's on, he might switch to invisible or simply sign off, pretending he didn't see you signing on.
Edited by justwhoiam
thumb down was by mistake, but I can't edit it
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ExpatInItaly

I am going to repeat what most others have said: I would strongly advise you against sending this letter. Vent here. But don't send it.

 

It's been a month and he hasn't reached out. He's not interested anymore. Sorry, OP. It's certainly hurtful to just drop out of contact like that, but I don't see what purpose this letter would serve.

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Well, this is tricky, you know? Let a guy know that some cyber sex is what you're looking for, and it's quite likely that he'll think 1) you're used to it, 2) that consequently you've done that with at least several guys, which makes it less special, 3) that discontinuing anything with you won't be a big deal. It's like your feelings are less real, or your a pro flirting girl...

 

1) Cyber sex was not what I was looking for.

2) I had never done that, or anything even remotely similar for that matter. And he knew that.

3) I'm definitely not a pro flirting girl.

 

It's hard to explain it, I know that it may sound bad if you read it like that, but we actually discussed the topic many times and I made sure he knew, that (and he said the same) I definitely wouldn't be doing that if I didn't like him.

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It's certainly hurtful to just drop out of contact like that, but I don't see what purpose this letter would serve.

 

The purpose of the letter was to, as the title suggests, say goodbye. The goodbye he never said.

 

And hopefully make him see how much he hurt someone who truly cared about him.

 

 

Thank you for your comment ExpatInItaly.

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LittleTiger

SusieMusie, if somebody I cared about suddenly disappeared without a word, my first thought would be 'are they ok?'

 

I haven't read the whole thread but, if you haven't done so already, I suggest you check with his work or family to find out if something happened to him before assuming that he's dumped you out of the blue.

 

If he has gone AWAL without good reason (ie he's in hospital or worse!) then I can't see the point of the goodbye letter, especially a whole month later, but obviously you need to do whatever it is that helps you to heal.

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I agree with LT regarding wanting to know if he's OK. That's why I would just pick up the phone. It's immediate. But well, you let go by one month.

 

I'm not sure what you meant by "If you are referring to sexual intentions, we were pretty much on the same page on that so I don't think that's it."

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Hey Little Tiger, thanks for your comment.

 

Yes of course that was my inicial concern. I sent him a message asking that, a week after the last time we talked (and he didn't reply).

Yet, I know through social media and other sources that he is ok and everything is fine.

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I'm not sure what you meant by "If you are referring to sexual intentions, we were pretty much on the same page on that so I don't think that's it."

 

Well, I'm gonna try to sum it up the best I can but it's really hard to explain this point to an "outsider" because the way two people handle this topic, differs from person to person.

 

What I meant by that was, we both wanted very much to be together first of all, and if anything further happened after that we would both made sure that was what we wanted and we wouldn't do anything the other one wasn't comfortable with.

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