I'm aware I sound like an *******...

[catann]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years. I love him, I've never loved anyone more. He is away for deployment right now and won't be home for a few more months. I am at a summer internship and we have both gotten really busy lately and haven't been skypeing or talking as much as before the summer. I met another guy while at my internship. I will call him "Tom" for clarity. Tom is married and has a child. Let me preface this again by saying I am completely aware that this sounds awful and wrong, but for whatever reason I find myself wanting Toms attention. I flirt with him almost every time I see him and have had drinks with him. On those occasions that Tom and I are together, I am relentlessly beating myself up about how it isn't fair to my boyfriend and how upset I would be if he did the same thing to me. And yet I still do not stop. Let me be clear, Tom and I have never done anything physical or technically inappropriate. But I know my boyfriend would be extremely upset if he saw the way I act around Tom, and he would have every right to be.

 

Regardless, I still find myself wanting to be around Tom and wanting to flirt with him. I love my boyfriend very much. I would never cheat on him. So what's my deal? I have no idea why I'm seeking out Toms attention like this. I never act this way. I know it sounds crazy and I feel like an awful person. If someone has any insight on what I should do or why I'm doing what I am that would be great. I just need someone to talk to that's not going to make me feel as awful as I do when I ask myself these questions..thanks!

[OnlyHonesty]

So let me get this straight. Your bf is out risking his life, facing death on a daily basis, facing all manner of nightmares and fighting for our rights, our freedom and yours.

 

He has a gf that he loves and looks forward to come back to, one who he probably thinks about while in the middle of nowhere or as an anchor to keep him going while he is deployed and all you can do in return is flirt, emotionally cheat and dishonour him?

 

I have to say your ''I love him'' is completely empty, look at your actions. I feel very sorry for this guy and I wish he would find a woman who is completely loyal, trustworthy, feminine, truly loving and one who will remain loyal while he is out doing what I and many others could never do. A woman that will be waiting for him when he returns with open arms and love. Not a woman that only has dishonour and disloyalty waiting for him.

 

My advice to you, do him a huge favour and leave. He may be hurt in the short run but that's much better than the road you are travelling down.

[FitChick]

You miss male attention and you are lonely. That makes you vulnerable to a man you wouldn't give a second thought to if your boyfriend were around.

 

The most successful people in business set long term goals and delay instant gratification, preferring the big prize at the end. Why don't you do the same?

 

Start thinking about what you will do when your boyfriend returns. Where will you go? What will your plans be? Start focusing on your future with him to occupy your thoughts. Will you move in together? Will he buy a house? Will you get married? He will have a lot of combat pay so perhaps plan a romantic week or weekend away at a luxury hotel with a spa so he can be pampered. Or go to a dude ranch if he likes being a cowboy. I don't know what sorts of things he likes. Ask him. It will help him forget what a crappy place he is in right now, too. You can both focus on the future together, which will distract you from that married man.

[catann]

Thank you so much. I think you hit the nail on the head about my loneliness and craving male attention. I'm definitely going to try the techniques about planning for the future that you have suggested. Thanks again.

[OnlyHonesty]

You miss male attention and you are lonely. That makes you vulnerable to a man you wouldn't give a second thought to if your boyfriend were around.

 

You are just making excuses for her. My gf was away for 3+ months, I felt lonely and missed her. Women hit on me and one tried to make advances, do you know what I did?

 

I told them I that I had a gf and they backed off. I remained loyal whether she was by my side or miles away. This is not about being lonely or vulnerable, it is about moral fiber.

 

 

Will you get married? You can both focus on the future together, which will distract you from that married man.

 

 

If her bf has only been away for a matter of months and she can't resist the temptation, do you really think this is a good basis to even talk about mariage let alone encourage it?

 

The point is she shouldn't need a distraction from the married man or any man, if you need that then you shouldn't even be with someone. I see that as a question of maturity.

Edited June 20, 2014 by OnlyHonesty

[ExpatInItaly]

First and foremost, stop hanging out with Tom. No more drinks together. Cut the flirtation.

 

Second, ask yourself if you are truly prepared to be in a long-distance relationship. If he is in the military, this is a situation you will be faced with again and again in the future. You might find that it just isn't for you at this stage of your life.

 

Third, the next time you speak with your boyfriend, talk to him about communication. Of course if he's on deployment, there will be a lot of demands on his time. And if you're busy, same goes for you. However, carve out what time you do both have and focus on your relationship. Make contact a priority again or it will be a slippery slope from here.

[d0nnivain]

Breathe.

 

 

First, getting married doesn't make somebody unattractive. It's OK to look. An occasional fantasy isn't the worst thing in the world.

 

 

However, this man is married. You cannot do anything to attract this man's attention. Worship him from afar if you must but do nothing to bring it into the real world.

 

 

Spend more time thinking about & doing stuff for your BF. Send him snail mail letters & care packages. If you can focus on him, it should help to keep you faithful.

[Miss Awesome]

I would never cheat on him.

 

 

 

I'm not trying to make you feel badly, but I truly believe that if you wouldn't do it in front of your significant other, it's cheating. And it sounds like you wouldn't do this in front of your boyfriend. And I'm sure you wouldn't do it in front of his wife or child. So maybe start understanding that you are doing something very inappropriate and that you're potentially harming everyone involved, including yourself. There's no magic answer here. You just have to stop.

[William]

This new member hasn't been around for a number of days so we'll consider this a one-post wonder, thank members for their participation and close the thread for now, with the invitation to re-open later should they return.