LDR is coming and i'm getting cold feet already

[coldfeet80]

It felt like it's gonna burst in me, thus i signed up this forum and hope someone out here could just talk to me!

 

I'm getting all jittery and cold feet knowing that my boyfriend (he's a foreigner who is working temporarily in my country) is soon leaving to another country for his newly setup business and wouldn't be back in 2-6mths time... i just couldn't sleep well and that sadness of not able to feel and touch him is lingering in me.

 

We have just officially started our relationship a month ago after having dated for about a year now. He's such a sweet and loving guy, always talking to my heart and we have been through quite a lot to be together. His leaving has brought uncertainties in me... i'm truly not sure what will i do without him. I do not have a family anymore and most of my friends are married with kids and we seldom meet anymore. It's not gonna be easy missing someone so dear... i'm just scared... especially when this brought back memories of me breaking up (many years ago) with my ex while he was furthering his studies abroad for 3 years...

 

Tonight, he told me that he has to do this for our future and after this he will never want to be separated from me again. That i am the base of his life and nothing makes sense to him without me. I am very happy to hear that from him and I do trust him completely. I didn't know i meant so much to him, until he told me this himself.

 

Now, i just hope to get all the support i can to get through this.

Edited June 15, 2014 by coldfeet80

[TMichaels]

Tonight, he told me that he has to do this for our future and after this he will never want to be separated from me again. That i am the base of his life and nothing makes sense to him without me. I am very happy to hear that from him and I do trust him completely. I didn't know i meant so much to him, until he told me this himself.

 

If he *hadn't* told you this, then I'd say you'd have a right to feel "jittery" and insecure. Many who've posted here would give their eye-teeth to hear that kind of statement come out of their bf's mouths.

 

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, take what he said as affirmation of how serious he is about you and your relationship and draw strength from that.

 

If you don't, and are whiny, clingy, and emotional all the time you're going to make the time apart much more difficult and painful -- and run the risk of making him think twice about whether he really wants to stay in a relationship with you. After all, there's a reason why marriage vows usually include the phrase "for better or worse," right?

 

So stop "playing old tapes in your head" about past failed relationships and don't mess up the good one it appears you have going right now. Two to six months will fly -- especially if you two stay in close communication and continue to make plans.

 

And, it wouldn't hurt to tell your boyfriend how much it meant to you when he said what he said. It's comments like that (from both of you) that will help you get through the next few months in spite of the distance.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. The term "having cold feet" means having second thoughts about a current situation which often leads to changing one's mind. From the majority of what you wrote, I don't believe that's your problem. However, if what you really meant to say is that because your boyfriend is leaving for 2-6 months you are questioning the value of staying in a relationship with him, then that's a whole different issue -- and indeed a case of "cold feet." If so, disregard most of what I wrote above as it is irrelevant.

Edited June 15, 2014 by TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

my boyfriend (he's a foreigner who is working temporarily in my country) is soon leaving to another country for his newly setup business and wouldn't be back in 2-6mths time...

Ok, the problem here is he's just starting a business in another country. So what does that mean? How will he be completely detached from his new business? He'll have at least to go back now and then for business reasons. So if he says he won't leave you alone anymore, that means you'll have to travel with him.

 

There are two main issues in your case:

1) The relationship is bright new, only a month into it

2) He's deciding things for the both of you without involving you

 

Is that what you want? I can understand you getting cold feet. Don't feel bad about your current feelings, I guess they just seem reasonable and logic.

[d0nnivain]

With all the technology out there you will be able to stay in touch. Focus on getting to know each other & save $$ for your next trip when you can be together again.

[coldfeet80]

If he *hadn't* told you this, then I'd say you'd have a right to feel "jittery" and insecure. Many who've posted here would give their eye-teeth to hear that kind of statement come out of their bf's mouths.

 

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, take what he said as affirmation of how serious he is about you and your relationship and draw strength from that.

 

If you don't, and are whiny, clingy, and emotional all the time you're going to make the time apart much more difficult and painful -- and run the risk of making him think twice about whether he really wants to stay in a relationship with you. After all, there's a reason why marriage vows usually include the phrase "for better or worse," right?

 

So stop "playing old tapes in your head" about past failed relationships and don't mess up the good one it appears you have going right now. Two to six months will fly -- especially if you two stay in close communication and continue to make plans.

 

And, it wouldn't hurt to tell your boyfriend how much it meant to you when he said what he said. It's comments like that (from both of you) that will help you get through the next few months in spite of the distance.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. The term "having cold feet" means having second thoughts about a current situation which often leads to changing one's mind. From the majority of what you wrote, I don't believe that's your problem. However, if what you really meant to say is that because your boyfriend is leaving for 2-6 months you are questioning the value of staying in a relationship with him, then that's a whole different issue -- and indeed a case of "cold feet." If so, disregard most of what I wrote above as it is irrelevant.

 

Thanks TMichaels for your advice! You were spot on. And i guess it's selfish of me to keep him from pursing his dreams, and more so if it's for our future...

 

Recently we began to talk about our future... of me travelling together with him after Dec this year when he has finished his first project, to wherever he goes in the next project (he's a consultant and has to travel for projects in different countries). And in 2016, we shall settle down and have his children. He told me (without me asking) that i could just quit my job and he will be able to sustain me with his salary (not that he's a millionaire or what). He said he wouldn't promise me a lavish life, but am enough for a simple comfortable life. I was moved by his words, cos never ever has a guy said this to me before. Not even the man i was once married to.

 

 

Of course, being a urban gal... i have doubts and fear in not having a permanent job of my own. I'm 34 this year and has a career which has taken me years to build up. I'm feeling excited for this new chapter of my life yet anxious and worried at the same time. What if it doesn't work out between us? What if money becomes an issue between us? What ifs....

 

I'm someone who has escaped from a nasty marriage, fighting for a change in my life. Now i have met him, who seem to amaze me everyday. It seems like he can read my mind without me saying it. He knows my past hurts, and it seems that he wants to give me the things i thought i never deserve. How can i not love him?

 

i told him that i had been through many chapters in my life (even my frens said my life has too many twists and turns) and i just wish he could be my last chapter. A happy one of course. Saying for him too, he added he has never loved anyone that much before and thus he knows he wants me to be with him for the rest of his life.

 

I hope and i will continue to share my love story here, and have you kind souls here to cheer me on.

[lucy_in_disguise]

What are you dreams? Do you want to give up your life to follow him where his career takes him, being financially dependent while you raise kids?

 

If that's not in your plans I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about all this, rather than just being "told" what will happen in the future. From your post, it kind of sounds like he's calling all the shots and you're not totally comfortable with all of them.

[soccerrprp]

Okay, a few things...

 

1. Where will the two of you be geographically?

2. Are you financially stable, dependent? Any chance you both can arrange visits to/from each other's country?

3. You've dated for a year, but just "officially" began your LDR??? Or just decided to become exclusive?

4. Yes, listen to others. What are the prospects for YOU if YOU move to him? Make your needs known so that he is not unilaterally dictating what should/will happen w/o hearing your needs.

5. LDRs are tough. I would seriously discourage them if there isn't regular visits and continual communication.

 

Having cold-feet is understandable. There is great uncertainty in LDRs. He has voluntarily expressed his feelings, but a reasonable plan of action that you both agree upon needs to be hashed out.

[FitChick]

If you will be living in another country you will probably have to be married.

[Els]

Okay, I'm going to play the devil's advocate here... but I'm seeing a lot of 'saying' but not all that much 'doing' on his part. If I may ask, why is it that you 'dated' for 11 months before starting your 'relationship' recently? Is this the norm in your culture?