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Let it Go or No?


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My apologies for what will no doubt be a long thread.

 

My ex and I dated for about three years when he broke off with me. We live a state away from one another. The break up was caused by many things but chief among them my irritation with his inability to set limits with his female friends being overly friendly with him. Calling him pet names on public sites. Ignoring me when I just asked to talk about boundaries. My input just kept getting ignored. I got angrier and angrier. And, for a long time, I put the blame of the failure of the relationship on me. We had told each other that we were each other's love of our lives. He was - and is - the man that I want to marry and he has said on numerous occasions that when he pictures a family, I am there with him.

 

Three years later, however, we are still not together. I have since graduated college, gotten a full time job, and started graduate school. He dropped out of college, has worked job to job, and feels unable to go back to school due to loans. I realize that this makes him feel bad and I am as empathetic as I can be. I do not brag to him. I do not pester him to do more. I have worked - in the past three years - to be more understanding of my faults in the relationship of being too jealous and insecure and coming into a point in my life where I want to be with him.

 

We have talked and seen each other periodically while we are apart. I have not dated nor been with anyone. He has indulged in fling after fling. And it is getting to the point where it hurts. The first year or two that we were separated, we were friends but distanced from our romance. Last year I made the terrible mistake - out of loneliness - of becoming physical with him without a committed relationship. When I barely did see him, we were physical. He called it friends with benefits and even mentioned that I only gave myself to people that I loved and, as we were no longer in love, he was hesitant. I told him that we loved one another in a way - which I meant in the moment. So we conceded.

 

I knew that if I was entering into this with my ex that I could be hurt. So I kept myself distant. But then we took a trip together with a close friend about a month ago. All I heard throughout the trip was "I love you" from him. I was shocked and taken aback. He had not indicated through our sparse texts that he felt a real connection again. He took my hands several times in public to hold them while walking. He said I love you in front of friends and family. He asked me what I wanted our wedding to be like, what I wanted in a house, and - when caught in his emotions and confirming that I did want children with him - expressing such joy over us still having a future.

 

But that was when I was with him. When I left and came back home, it was different. He will not enter a relationship with me again. Because he is not ready. Because he claims he's scared. He tells me that through all the flings - the sex without emotion - that he has held me in his mind and has not loved another since me. That he won't forget me or move on to another person emotionally just because he sleeps around. But it feels empty. I feel like things are so perfect when I am with him...why can't he commit to me again unless he is using me? I try to understand, I really do. But I want him in my life and he seems to want the same until I come back home.

 

I told him as such when I saw him two weeks later. I told him that I couldn't take it anymore and that I did not want to wait for him. He cried. He told me that he would not have stayed in the state he was in if it was not for me living one state over. He said that we had invested six years into each other and that he wanted me in his life. Everything was wonderful while we were together. We even talked about me moving down to live with him, something he seemed ecstatic about. But then I returned home. Then - after texting him and he seeming so genuinely in love - he asked if we really wanted to move in together and deflated me once again. He postponed our talking about it because he had a trip with his friends.

 

Ultimately, I feel like I am ready for a next step in our relationship - a commitment, a renewal of that exclusivity, and seeing him - and he isn't. He wants to have fun, to be with his friends, to ignore me. He says that he isn't good enough for me no matter what I say.

 

I get so tired of living and thinking about our relationship all of the time. I get so confused - one day thrilled at the prospect of seeing him again and next feeling angry. I feel like we ARE in a relationship - the only thing keeping us from it is his want to have sex with others. And he admitted that it made him feel selfish. Which is why I was so thrilled with the thought of living with him.

 

I really want to be patient with him and give him time...but I feel like I am at the point where I want to be a priority in his life.

 

Should I let him go - when he does not respect me enough to be with me exclusively? Or should I focus on our moments together and be patient, ignore my need for more? We are such different people and I just get so confused and everything feels so perfect when we are together...so why can't it be the same when we are apart?

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This seems like a waste of your time.

 

 

This man doesn't know what he wants in life or love. He does want his cake & eat it too -- keep you dancing on a string & not moving forward in your life but not committing to you either. You graduated college, are in grad school & are planning for a future. He seems to be drifting at best.

 

 

All of his comments about loving you & asking about a wedding are to keep you there. . . dreaming about him but without him giving you anything concrete. All the things that made you break up are still there in spades -- they got worse, not better. Why do you want to go backwards?

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It's definitely time to let go.

 

They've had enough of your time. It's hard to let go when you've invested so much time in someone but stop yourself from wasting anymore.

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Frank2thepoint
Ultimately, I feel like I am ready for a next step in our relationship - a commitment, a renewal of that exclusivity, and seeing him - and he isn't. He wants to have fun, to be with his friends, to ignore me. He says that he isn't good enough for me no matter what I say.

 

Should I let him go - when he does not respect me enough to be with me exclusively?

 

You just answered your own questions. Why do you need us strangers to reiterate what you already know?

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You just answered your own questions. Why do you need us strangers to reiterate what you already know?

 

He was my first love. It is hard to realize things even though you know them and can see them clearly at a distance. Because we have such a history and because our friends believe in him, I am left confused. And I have always been that type of person, I guess - not able to really grasp something is gone until it is in neon lights fifty feet high.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts. It will be hard but I do need to talk to him and be frank and firm and final.

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Michelle ma Belle

I'm exhausted just reading your post I can't imagine living it!

 

Time to give him the old thank and release. You deserve better.

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