Dr Paws Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Hello all! I've been a member on here for a number of years, but for reasons that will become clear I've created a new account to post this. Background: Was friends with my now FI for 3 years, we then enter into a romantic relationship. Now coming up to 5 years...so known each other a total of 8 years. When we started dating fiance lived in a city 200 miles away from mine...he had been renting a room in a house, landlord decided to sell, so fiance moves back in with his parents (they live around the corner from his work)...I'm 41 and fiance is 38 at this time. We live in the UK, but I am originally from Australia, and all my family live there. Fiance had agreed to share a flat with a female friend a couple of months before we started dating. I knew of this girl, she was in our same social circle but I wasn't friends with her. 6 months after we started dating, this friend suggests that we all rent a flat together. I'm hesitant as it's early days, but my keenness to be with fiance means I agree to do so. Long story short, the whole thing was a disaster. Unknown to us, 'friend' is in massive financial difficulty, can't really afford the rent let alone other expenses like electricity etc...we have debt collectors ringing our home number up to 20 times a day! I had to change the number twice! (bill was in my name). On the year anniversary of myself and fiance being together we got engaged. Fiance and I don't get any of the deposit back due to the damage 'friend' had done in her room. We have no money for a deposit on a new flat...fiance has gone from being 2K in credit to having a 2K overdraft and 2K on a credit card. I have no family in this country, so I have no choice but to move back to my previous city, living with my ex husband for 6 months, until I can raise enough through temporary jobs to afford the deposit on the flat I live now. Fiance moves back in with his parents. He promises that we will only be apart for 6 months at most... My city is far cheaper to live in than fiance's. My rent is a third of what we were paying, and the flat is more than twice the size. I also now have two cats - which fiance persuaded me to adopt as kittens from a friend of his who looks after a feral community. My landlord is fine with them, I'm not willing to move them into a tiny flat. 6 months apart has now turned into 3 and a half years... fiance is now in more debt than he was when we stopped living together. His parents found out about his overdraft (he has the same first name as his father, so his father regularly opens his mail), they lent him the money to pay it off. Over the next year he then ran it up again, and added an extra 1K! His parents would throw a fit if they knew! The obvious solution is for fiance to move to my city. He would not have trouble finding the same type of work, but it would mean taking a sizeable pay cut of about 8K a year. If he wasn't in debt, that wouldn't be a problem. I just don't feel like fiance is that motivated to sort this situation out. I know his outgoings, if he really buckled down he could have his debt paid off in about 8 months. But he is crap at keeping to a budget. He regularly goes over his overdraft limit, when then means the next month he gets charged huge bank fees...it's an ongoing cycle. He talks a good talk, but it seems to me there is precious little action. We see each other on average for a couple of days every couple of weeks...I've even suggested that we cut that down to once a month for awhile, just to help him save money. He can get a coach to my city that costs a fifth of what the train does....he agrees to both of these, and then goes and books the train instead, because he doesn't like how long the coach journey takes... I feel myself getting more and more homesick for Australia. I'm tired of living here on my own. I'm not particularly attached to the city I live in. I'm sick of being stuck in a LDR that doesn't seem to be moving forward. My mother in Australia is in poor health...I've not seen her in 5 years because I just can't afford a holiday there. I was made redundant from a good public sector job a couple of months ago - when I received my last paycheck, I was severely tempted to use it for a one way ticket back to Australia, and start over again there. I told my fiance this, and as usual I get a lot of promises...but I just feel like talk is cheap and that actions mean more. I also feel like my feelings towards my fiance are beginning to suffer. Last time he was here, I felt irritated with him most of the time. Our sex life is poor...started out well, but he's become incredibly selfish in bed. Once he has his orgasm, sex is over. I can't remember the last time I had an orgasm during sex, it would be well over a year ago. He expects oral sex, but won't reciprocate - when I asked him why, he says doesn't like doing it. I told him at that time that in that case, I wouldn't be doing it to him anymore...and for about the last 6 months, I haven't. During that time I've actually deliberately started saying 'no' to sex as well, as I just don't see the point if I'm not going to get anything from it. As with our other issues, if we have a talk about it, I get a load of words, but no actual action. Sorry for this huge essay. I was just wondering what others would do in my situation. I do still love my FI, but the feelings of just wanting to get away are getting stronger and stronger... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 I think you should go back. You gave it a shot, and it's pretty clear that it isn't working out (both due to circumstances and your fiance's lack of effort). Also, it seems he has severe budgeting issues, if he is spending this much on overdraft. Can you truly foresee a future with such a person? And the lack of consideration for your orgasm... sheesh. Doesn't sound to me like there are any good points left with this guy... Break off the engagement, cut your losses, go home, IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dr Paws Posted June 8, 2014 Author Share Posted June 8, 2014 Thanks Elswyth. I agree that I've really given it a shot...we've been together as a couple nearly 5 years now, I'm 46 in a couple of months and he's 44. I'm going to have to get another job and save for awhile before I can go, anyway...and in that time I'm going to make it crystal clear to him how I feel. The only trouble is that every time I try to talk to him about it all, he ends up getting really defensive...says things like 'you helped me spend the money'...which is true, on the rare times we do go out, he does pay for me. But I'm running a flat, paying rent, electricity, food etc. All stuff he doesn't have to worry about. He pays his parents a pittance for living with them. His disposable cash after paying bills is more than I get a month. His father doesn't like me... mainly because I'm a foreigner, my family was very wealthy when I was a child so my upbringing was very different, and I was married before... so of course fiance is encouraged to stay living with them as long as he likes. Which is another aspect that bothers me, none of them seem to think that a 44 year old man still living with his parents after 3 and a half years is not a great thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Thanks Elswyth. I agree that I've really given it a shot...we've been together as a couple nearly 5 years now, I'm 46 in a couple of months and he's 44. I'm going to have to get another job and save for awhile before I can go, anyway...and in that time I'm going to make it crystal clear to him how I feel. No probs. This sounds like a good idea. Make sure you set a timeline for when you intend to leave, so you don't end up feeling guilted into staying if nothing changes. The only trouble is that every time I try to talk to him about it all, he ends up getting really defensive...says things like 'you helped me spend the money'...which is true, on the rare times we do go out, he does pay for me. But I'm running a flat, paying rent, electricity, food etc. All stuff he doesn't have to worry about. He pays his parents a pittance for living with them. His disposable cash after paying bills is more than I get a month. Not blaming you (at all!), but if you want to avoid a conversation like that, then insist on going dutch for dates. From what you've said, he's clearly using it as an excuse, but still, it doesn't hurt to remove that excuse. His father doesn't like me... mainly because I'm a foreigner, my family was very wealthy when I was a child so my upbringing was very different, and I was married before... so of course fiance is encouraged to stay living with them as long as he likes. Which is another aspect that bothers me, none of them seem to think that a 44 year old man still living with his parents after 3 and a half years is not a great thing... Ugh. That's a pretty crappy situation, but not the main issue IMO. The main issue is that none of your needs (neither emotional nor sexual nor practical needs) are being met and he's being irresponsible with finances to the point of hurting his life and your R. So I think you should focus on that in your next conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 TBH Dr Paws, I'm having a real hard time seeing what's so great about this guy. He's crap with money; he's crap in bed. Instead of picking himself and acting like a 44 yr old MAN, he's living with his parents, can't even manage to see you more than a couple of times every fortnight, has the gall to blame you for his inability to manage his finances and his life, and he's been pulling this crap for 3.5 yrs with no end in sight. What's stopping you from walking away and never looking back? Is it because if you do, you will be admitting to all (including yourself, and possibly your ex) you made a poor decision and wasted the last five years of your life on this guy? If so, too bad. The only unconscionable mistake to be made is IF YOU CONTINUE TO STAY with him. At 44, he's not going to change. His outlook/attitude/way of thinking and approach to handling life is already established. Furthermore, it appears HE LIKES the way things are. Why in heck would anyone choose to put up with that sort of immaturity, irresponsibility, and neglect? You sound reasonably intelligent. Do you think you deserve or will be happy for a lifetime with what you're getting? And yes, you're right -- actions ALWAYS speak louder than words -- so "listen" to what he's telling you by the way he acts and don't let words dissuade you from what you see. Consider the last 3.5 years of bull this guy's put you through a blessing. You've gotten to see who he really is, what his values are, how he approaches problems and life's challenges, and where *you* rank in his list of priorities. In a nutshell, it ain't pretty; pathetic in fact. So WHY are you hanging in there? If it were me, the only thing I would make "crystal clear" to him is that the engagement is off and you no longer wish to hear from or see him. Then, I'd work as hard and fast as I could to move back to Australia. If I had to, I'd swallow my pride and see if a family member might be able to float me a loan to make it happen sooner. You said your family had money, right? Is this not a possibility? It's not too late to start over, Dr Paws. But, it would be a big mistake on your part to waste any more time on this relationship. The sooner you get him out of your life (and your head), the better off you will be. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dr Paws Posted June 8, 2014 Author Share Posted June 8, 2014 Thanks for replying. You ask what's stopping me from walking away and never looking back? This is going to make me sound pathetic, but here it is - I don't want to leave my two cats. I spent my childhood moving around the world due to my father's job...I've lost count of the number of pets we ending up leaving behind. I vowed when I got these two that it wouldn't happen. I know how pathetic that is. I said the same to my mother the last time I spoke to her 'I can't leave the cats' As she rightly reminded me, I can't live my life for them... My family did have money when I was growing up. My parents divorce, which took 5 years to settle, made sure my mother came away with nothing. So sadly she can't help me financially. I've not had contact with my father since the day he left. You are also right when you say that he likes things the way they are. He lives close to work, he has no real responsibilities. I thought that building a life with myself would be enough of an incentive for him to change things. After 3.5 years it's obvious that I'm not. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Cats do perfectly well in a small flat, much better than dogs which have to go out. My cats were very happy for many years. Most people in apartments who want pets get cats for that reason. That is a pitiful excuse. If you are moving from the UK to Oz, the quarantine laws wouldn't apply since neither country has rabies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Thanks for replying. You ask what's stopping me from walking away and never looking back? This is going to make me sound pathetic, but here it is - I don't want to leave my two cats. I spent my childhood moving around the world due to my father's job...I've lost count of the number of pets we ending up leaving behind. I vowed when I got these two that it wouldn't happen. I know how pathetic that is. I said the same to my mother the last time I spoke to her 'I can't leave the cats' As she rightly reminded me, I can't live my life for them... Yep, you're right. That's an incredibly pathetic answer as there's no reason why you can't take your cats with you. Go here and start reading to find out what's required. Then, sit down and plan out what you need to do post haste to get all of you back home where you're valued and have a support system. Best, TMichaels 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dr Paws Posted June 8, 2014 Author Share Posted June 8, 2014 Cats do perfectly well in a small flat, much better than dogs which have to go out. My cats were very happy for many years. Most people in apartments who want pets get cats for that reason. That is a pitiful excuse. If you are moving from the UK to Oz, the quarantine laws wouldn't apply since neither country has rabies. Yep, you're right. That's an incredibly pathetic answer as there's no reason why you can't take your cats with you. Go here and start reading to find out what's required. Then, sit down and plan out what you need to do post haste to get all of you back home where you're valued and have a support system. Best, TMichaels Thanks for your replies. Looks like the cats would have to spend 10 days in quarantine, fees looking at about $500. I'll also look into the cost of flying them out there, and bringing them back to my home city once they clear quarantine. I suppose I'm still operating under the way I was bought up - my parents always made it clear that pets accompanying us when we moved wasn't an option. My two already have a head start in adapting because they are indoor cats. Moving back isn't something I'm going to hurry...I did that 20 years ago and it was a mistake, mainly due to family interference. The member of the family that caused the most problems - my maternal grandmother - is no longer alive. I only have my brother and my mother now, but I know they would both be very pleased to see me return. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 I suppose I'm still operating under the way I was bought up - my parents always made it clear that pets accompanying us when we moved wasn't an option. My two already have a head start in adapting because they are indoor cats. So no reason to make them your excuse then, is there? Moving back isn't something I'm going to hurry...I did that 20 years ago and it was a mistake, mainly due to family interference. The member of the family that caused the most problems - my maternal grandmother - is no longer alive. I only have my brother and my mother now, but I know they would both be very pleased to see me return. Okay, fine. But just make sure now you know you can't use the cats as an excuse, you're not just coming up with more because you lack the backbone and self-esteem to kick your fiancé to the curb and get on with your life. Sorry, but that's the way it's beginning to look. Dr Paws. If you don't want to honest with people here, at least be honest with yourself. All the best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
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