moogiebug Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Hey guys, I'm new here & just looking for a bit of advice from others who know how LDR's feel. In brief, my GF and I have been together since last August, although we have known one another almost 5 years & been close since we met, getting closer over time. I was always really into her but the time wasn't right for her to be involved with anyone, so once things settled for her & we became involved with one another I was over the moon! She is a fair bit older than I am, and she has another woman in her life who is very, very important to her (they are not 'romantic' as such, but is another relationship in my Gf's life, which I knew about from the start.) My issue is that we live currently 600 miles apart. We last saw one another in March, and my GF is not thinking we will be together again until August, which is fine with her but not with me. I really, really struggle with being away from her & would be prepared to travel to see her but she doesn't want me to. Neither does she want to come see me. My Gf and the other woman in her life are looking to move (so they will be closer to me). However, my GF has a very low budget for buying a property and I've just discovered that they are only looking in one very small area as set down by the other woman in my GF's life. I feel like my needs to see my GF more often are not being met or considered at all and I don't know how to go about dealing with that. LDR's are always difficult I know & I was prepared for that but don't know how to try & approach this lack of meeting both our needs (my GF is far more settled with not seeing me very often than I am with not seeing her). I know I have depression issues & abandonment issues & a LOT of insecurities, but I am seeing a counsellor, on anti-depressants & various things to balance my hormones & trying to keep my brain level! How do others cope with having differing needs in regard to seeing one another etc? Any thoughts (please, nothing really negative! I do not want to leave my GF at all!). Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Are ANY of your needs being met? You're second best, at best. What exactly is this "other relationship?" I am fairly confused here by lack of info here. What is this situation? It sounds as though you are giving up a lot for someone who would NEVER do the same for you. I cant see why you would stay with someone who not only carried on an odd relationship with a woman, but someone who is planning on seeing you twice a year. I dont get it. What DO you get from this relationship. I see you getting the short end of the stick here, but what are the good things that do work for you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 She sounds bisexual but living with a lesbian. I wouldn't bother. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Are ANY of your needs being met? You're second best, at best. What exactly is this "other relationship?" I am fairly confused here by lack of info here. What is this situation? It sounds as though you are giving up a lot for someone who would NEVER do the same for you. I cant see why you would stay with someone who not only carried on an odd relationship with a woman, but someone who is planning on seeing you twice a year. I dont get it. What DO you get from this relationship. I see you getting the short end of the stick here, but what are the good things that do work for you? I agree with daisydook. This doesn't sound very reciprocal. Then again, if you haven't expressed your feelings about this or anything regarding your relationship with your girlfriend, I strongly suggest you get up the courage and DO IT! You've been in a relationship with her for almost an entire year so it's high time you lay all your cards on the table about what you want and where you see your relationship going. You need to find out if you're both on the same page because if you're not, it's better to know sooner rather than later. And I too am very curious about this "other woman" in your girlfriend's life. Throwing out something like that without more details isn't helping us give you the best advice possible. This other woman clearly plays a BIG part in the future of your relationship so fess up already! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Sorry, but I think you have things bass-ackwards. You're not the girlfriend. This other "woman friend" is. You've already wasted the last year, not to mention four more pining away about someone who's clearly not as interested in you as you are in them. Time to wake up and smell the coffee moogiebug. You need to realize you're not Number One in this woman's life, and probably never will be. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
AngrySpider Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Moogiebug, As someone who suffers from depression and has been in a long-distance relationship,I got a bit concerned upon reading your post.Now,just to be fair,I am not going to say that your situation is the same as mine.After all,I don't know you personally and we could be very different in how we react to and/or handle things,especially with respect to anything that fits within the definition of "stressor." Your post was titled "Getting needs met." Understandably,when you are involved in a relationship,that's exactly what you want:someone whom will meet your needs.Of course,those needs would have to be within reasonable parameters.Far be it for me to say that your need to see your girlfriend is unreasonable.You don't want to be involved with someone that is 600 miles away that you will never have any face-time with.The problem is,however,that while you place a great degree of importance on seeing her,she doesn't appear to be on that page with you.Honestly,it is suspicious that she doesn't want you traveling to see her or that she doesn't appear to have a desire to come your way.If this other woman were just someone that your girlfriend had a platonic,housemate arrangement with,then there shouldn't be any reason why your girlfriend wouldn't want to see you.However,others have already explored that angle so it is pointless to rehash what other people have already said in reply.I'm going down a different route and here's where I tie what I said in the beginning of my reply into what I'm going to say now. It's great that you have sought out help and have taken strides toward improving mental health.By doing that,you are "meeting your needs." Anyone who suffers from an illness such as depression knows that the path to recovery can be a long and sometimes treacherous one.My concern is that your girlfriend-whom you've openly stated that you don't want to leave at all-is going to set you back on said path to recovery or is going to send you off the path completely.While nobody can avoid unpleasantness in life,those who suffer from depression (and quite likely for abandonment issues and insecurity) must minimalize as much negative stimuli as possible so as to avoid triggering depressive bouts or,generally speaking,exacerbating their condition.If things carry on with your girlfriend in much the same way as they presently are,can you say with 100% certainty that the depression,abandonment issues,or the insecurities aren't going to be set off by it? Again,I know we're different people but we have two things in common:depression and insecurity.I have worked diligently toward getting my own ducks in a row.I've been on four different medications and I have done cognitive-behavior therapy and even a two-week partial day hospital program (right after my girlfriend of 7-1/2 years and the mother of my two children left me for another guy.) I was attending CBT sessions while I was beginning a long-distance relationship.Any progress that I might have made in those sessions was undone by the emotional roller coaster that the chick I had involvement with put me on.I pined for her.The depression and insecurity came in tsunami-like waves,which only got worse when her contact with me tapered off.I relapsed badly and found myself meeting a newfound need for Bombay Sapphire.I obviously put more value on and effort into the relationship than she did and it cost me dearly.I wouldn't want you to have any progress that you made at risk of being undone by someone that you are invested in that doesn't reciprocate it with an investment of their own. Making a recovery from depression,etc is akin to kicking heroin or giving up alcohol.Not only is it difficult but you have to avoid keeping company with people or putting yourself in situations where the risk of relapse is present,even if it means burning some bridges that are painful to set ablaze.In continuation with the analogy that I set out,I can't see how your girlfriend isn't that syringe or that bottle of poison that's going to send you flying off that proverbial wagon. That's just my take on it.All the best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts