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could this ldr turn abusive?


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Sarah McDonald

(I have no where else to turn and Sarah or whatever I put isn't my real name. Its just so he can't find me.)

So I'm engaged to this guy. I say engaged because dating is against my religion

Anyway, everyone was telling me to avoid this guy because he's bad news. I ignored them. Things were good for the first few weeks. But yesterday I forgot to reply to an email he b sent. He got mad and kept saying "you forgot me. All I ever did is love you and you forgot me!". I let it slide. He just got back from biking with a buddy and I figured he was just grumpy. Then he insisted on seeing me without hijab. I gave in to avoid another argument. I shouldn't have. Then every email turned to 'I want to admire you nude'. No. No. No. No. Heck no. Not happening. No. That's one line I won't cross. He's gotten mad and guilt tripped me all day. Still NO.

Then he said " why don't you marry one of those guys who raped you! Since that's what you like!!! " those 'guys' were my father and the men he pimped me out to.

I told him to never talk to me again. He said 'no. I love you. You're over reacting.' am I? I don't know. I'm in the states. He's in Australia. But he discovered my real name (I had given him a fake just to be safe) before I told him. Everyone I talked to says he has multiple emails and will just keep up. What do I do? Am I the one over reacting? He says he's sorry and he just loves me to much. He said he's obsessed with me and can't stop thinking about me. Red flag maybe?

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LostOnes05

If he talks to you like that thru email or phone, imagine what he would be like standing in your living room. And to bring up something hurtful like that in conversation is an indicator of future behavior. Also, he doesn't seem very respectful of your religion. You might want to call off this "engagement". Just my honest opinion.

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OMG! He is definitely already abusing you - all the way from Australia! You must never let anyone pressure you that way. First, your Hijab, then your clothes, then he'll want you to perform sexual acts and use it against you even more...

 

I don't know about the 'rape' issue, but person who likes you - never mind love you - would never bring up your past in such a terrible way. Why and how did you get engaged to this guy?!

 

I think this man will only provide heartache and pain. I think you should cut all contact with him and move on.

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Sarah, this may be a little difficult, because with your mention of the hijab, it seems you are of the Muslim faith, however you say you are in the States, so I would imagine that you are immersed to some degree in Western culture.

 

Being a native of the US myself, I can't help but give you advice from that perspective, and I don't know how well it will integrate with your own cultural outlook and beliefs, but I will say what I believe, attempting to be respectful and understanding that you have a different cultural background, and you can filter it and take or leave whatever parts you find useful.

 

First, I would like to ask for a little more information, if you are willing, about your guy (for simplicity, I'll refer to him this way, as you do, because I don't know if you consider him "boyfriend" or "fiance" or whatever...) How did you meet and come to know him? Was this arranged by family, or some other way?

 

You are thousands of miles apart, and it sounds like you interact through telecommunications. Have you met in person? Have you spent any significant time together in person? If so, where did that happen (in the States, in Australia, or elsewhere?)

 

How did your relationship develop to the point where you consider yourself "engaged"? Is this just a term you are using for lack of a better word, or does this represent some kind of a commitment to your family or community that you are moving towards marriage?

 

Now, this may be a very Western question, but how do you feel about him - how do you really feel in your heart? Do you like him? Do you love him? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as his wife, and with him as your husband? If you marry, would you move to live with him? Is that something you would look forward to?

 

A lot of this is just honest curiosity on my part, and I don't want you to share anything that is too personal, but I think it would help give your situation a little more context.

 

Now finally, my opinions, including whether you are "overreacting." Simply put: No, I don't think so. Anyone who would say this to someone:

Why don't you marry one of those guys who raped you! Since that's what you like!!!
...has revealed himself to have a vicious, nasty, abusive streak that I would find a "deal-breaker" in a life partner.

 

I was going to follow with something like "and he got this angry about you not being willing to reveal yourself to him nude..." - but saying that almost implies that there could be some other situation that would warrant him getting this angry, and that's not the case.

 

In my opinion, what he said is out of bounds under any circumstances, in any context. He took something that he perceives to be your weakness and turned it against you for maximum damage, in an attempt to control you. Again, for me: deal breaker.

 

But the fact that his blowup was about his request to reveal yourself to him nude does make me think. It is my opinion (again, perhaps a very Western one) that a woman owns her body and her sexuality solely and completely. In spite of the fact that different religions and cultures may approach this differently, I truly believe this is a fundamental human right.

 

What your "guy" revealed, in his rage, is his belief that he should own your body - that he intends to control your sexuality. And when you asserted your own control and ownership, he didn't know how to handle that. And the way he reacted was with rage, and with a response that was intended to hurt you in a most horrible way - with an attack on your sexuality, with an attempt to reopen awful wounds that he knows you have.

 

If you were someone I knew and cared about - a mother, a sister, a friend - I would ask you: do you really think this was some unusual one-time thing, or do you think this reveals a deep issue that would likely be a continuing one within a relationship. I think you can probably tell my opinion on that.

 

Now, having said all that, I've given you what amounts to a very Western opinion and approach to your situation, and I don't know how well it will integrate with your religion and culture. However, independent of that, it seems clear that you can tell what kind of a person - and partner - this "guy" would be from his behavior, his reactions, and the kind of emotional brutality he turned to in his anger over not being able to control your sexuality; I think those observations transcend religion and culture.

Edited by Trimmer
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ExpatInItaly
I know I shouldn't post this in two places but it's important. Not trying to spam.

 

 

So I'm engaged to this guy. I say engaged because dating is against my religion

Anyway, everyone was telling me to avoid this guy because he's bad news. I ignored them. Things were good for the first few weeks. But yesterday I forgot to reply to an email he sent. He got mad and kept saying "you forgot me. All I ever did is love you and you forgot me!". I let it slide. He just got back from biking with a buddy and I figured he was just grumpy. Then he insisted on seeing me without hijab. I gave in to avoid another argument. I shouldn't have. Then every email turned to 'I want to admire you nude'. No. No. No. No. Heck no. Not happening. No. That's one line I won't cross. He's gotten mad and guilt tripped me all day. Still NO.

Then he said " why don't you marry one of those guys who raped you! Since that's what you like!!! " those 'guys' were my father and the men he pimped me out to.

I told him to never talk to me again. He said 'no. I love you. You're over reacting.' am I? I don't know. I'm in the states. He's in Australia. But he discovered my real name (I had given him a fake just to be safe) before I told him. Everyone I talked to says he has multiple emails and will just keep up. What do I do? Am I the one over reacting? He says he's sorry and he just loves me to much. He said he's obsessed with me and can't stop thinking about me. Red flag maybe?

 

Maybe? Maybe?!

 

Listen to the people around you and stay the hell away from this man. He has already emotionally and verbally abused you. You are not over-reacting. He is a grade A loser. Do not have any further contact with this poor excuse for a man. Ugh.

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One more brief point: in re-reading my post above, I find it a bit dispassionate, as I was trying to explain myself and to integrate my own cultural background with what I perceive to be yours.

 

I don't think violence is an appropriate answer to any situation, other than an immediate threat requiring a proportional response to secure safety. However, if any man said that to my sister or mother, I would come close to a physically violent reaction against him. His comment was targeted to emotionally wound in the most vicious way possible, and I would have the impulse to respond with physical violence if that person were in my presence.

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Lernaean_Hydra

No, it wont turn abusive because it already is. This guy is bad news beyond belief. For now the abuse is emotional but if he ever does get anywhere near you I have no doubt it will quickly turn physical as well. He's not in love you and you shouldn't believe a word he says.

 

As a matter of fact, he sounds like one of those disgusting "loverboy" pimps that meets young, naive girls and women online and elsewhere then lures them in with promises of love with just the right amount of manipulation mixed in and then turns around and whisks them off to Amsterdam or some place to be sex workers.

 

I really am sorry to hear about what your father and his friends put you though and hope you've gotten help coping with that but yes, this guy is up to no good and this is no way to allow yourself to be treated. Break it off now.

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No, it wont turn abusive because it already is. This guy is bad news beyond belief. For now the abuse is emotional but if he ever does get anywhere near you I have no doubt it will quickly turn physical as well. He's not in love you and you shouldn't believe a word he says.

This is what I would have said, if I had been able to write more succinctly and directly. I completely agree.

 

Sarah, do you have family, or friends, or any kind of community around you that you feel supports you?

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Please listen to the above three posters. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you marry this man.

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Ok. To be honest if you're needing to ask what to do about an aggressive, abusive stalker you met online, I would respectively suggest you do not meet men online.

 

The way he has spoken to you is absolutely disgusting. Report him to the authorities.

 

I would stay away from online dating. I'm sorry to read about your past. Perhaps you should take some therapy over what happened.

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  • 2 weeks later...
those 'guys' were my father and the men he pimped me out to.
Your father was forcing you to prostitute yourself and he was taking the money? How old are you? Just give us an age range, if you don't want to disclose your real age.

 

1) Is your father a muslim too?

2) Were you able to get far away from him or his influence?

 

My advice is you shouldn't trust a perfect no one with such details about yourself. Be more protective of yourself.

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