Reached the end

[HeavenOrHell]

I've become so bored, unsatisfied with the situation and with how he's changed in some ways the last couple of years, he's lost his enthusiasm for us (it seems) since his work told him 2 years ago they couldn't move him to my country, and not so loving, and because he then changed his idea about moving, rather than look for another job, it's changed my feelings for him, it's killed my enthusiams and deadened my feelings for him. It was his idea to move and I felt pressured into talking about it but he pushed it and pushed it, and in time I was ready to talk about it and then he didn't want to and made me feel I was baking him into a corner I feel resentful that he made me feel like that when it was him who pushed me into talking about it. I understand he doesn't have the confidence or motivation to move though.

 

I think I've put up with more than most people would.

He's a lovely person, but so many things are difficult, even the fact his ex' s stuff is still at his apt, her jewellery still hanging on the bedpost for example, clothes in the wardrobe still, stuff in the bedside table, shoes and coats in the hall, her computer chair/desk, all her pens etc, everything, this is 4 1/2 years after she left him. But this is just one tiny thing I've put up with. She was staying over every weekend and they still shared a bed to sleep in (I trusted him enough to know he wouldn't cheat and she's not a sexual person), so I had to ask them to not do that, so she started sleeping on the sofa, also asked if she could just stay once a month instead as it was hard for me here on my own while they shared weekends together and did everything that couples so except have sex.

 

Not saying I'm easy to deal with as I have social anxiety and (mild) agoraphobia and bouts of depression, but I really do not feel I've made things hard in this r/ship in the way he has, there is a long list of things I find hard but I've swallowed it all down so as not to rock the boat, I've twisted myself around to make things easy for him and neglected what I want. If I did say how I feel, or what I want/need he'd leave me, he'd say he can't give me what I need/deserve. But I'd talk my way back in and say I'm ok with things. Recently I said I'm sorry I did that and I feel bad about it as maybe it wasn't for the best for him, but he said don't worry that he's ok with us right now.

 

He is a good person but he so enclosed, so undemonstrative, after being so demonstrative and loving the first couple of years. He's a loner and unhappy with himself and his life.

 

Things would've been easier if he was open to doing things like going on skype more, even just to say goodnight, but all these little things which brings couples closer he never suggests doing them or doesn't understand why I'd want to do that, he does suggest watching movies at the same time and we often type on skype (not cam) during them to talk about it and now he's got better inet access at home and a tablet, I said we could have the cam running in the backgroud (so it's even more like watching a movie together) and he said I don't know what you expect though if I'm watching a movie with my tablet next to me

 

A few weeks ago he messaged me and said sorry if he is distant/aloof lately but he's feeling low, and he said it's not me it's him. He said he doesn't know where to go from here with his life and is this it and he feels he's amounted to nothing,

He has problems but doesn't/care share them with me as he bottles it all up, I feel like I can't reach him.

 

He never initiates visits, I mentioned this last year, that it makes it feel like he's not bothered if we meet again and he said it's just that I'm more proactive than he is. I mentioned it in a message again last week as it's getting to me but he didn't respond to that.

He's become one of those people who is mostly only affectionate when he wants sex, but I'm more affectionate than that, and I know that affection can last and that someone can make you feel special and wanted long term as I felt that in my 18 year r/ship. He was so cuddly the first two years.

 

We only meet every 7-9 weeks, he's not given a reason why we can't meet once a month, as we're only in different parts of Europe (He's mainland, I'm not), one visit I said could we meet around such and such a time next and he said but that's only 4 weeks away! I said no it's not, it's 7 weeks away, I already know we can't meet more often than that. I mean how awful to meet up after only 4 weeks one time, god forbid

 

He's not happy with his life, hasn't been for a long time, I hoped he'd try to change things, although wasn't sure if that would include moving any closer, doubtful. With his last partner (also LDR) he was going to move to the US, he said they were all set to go but his job and attached apt fell through. She ended up moving from the US to his country.

 

It's really not done much for my self esteem this r/ship, apart from the first 2 years which were amazing, but bit by but he's taken all the good things away. After one of the times we split, him doing a runner again, he didn't want to call it a r/ship after that, so since then I'm not sure what it's been.

But maybe he wants out, I've no idea, as I have no idea what he thinks or feels. I feel I want out if nothing changes, but it's hard to let go, we've shared a lot the last four years. I will miss him

On the other hand I'm feeling happier in myself lately, I don't feel it's essential for me to be in a r/ship again if we call it a day, I'm ok just getting on with things my myself now. I'm 48, and yes I'm jaded after the last few years I've had and the ending of a very LTR before him, it just feels like r/ships are so much of an emotional rollercoaster that it would do me more good to not be in one. I've had enough.

I've said to him in a message last night that I feel stuck and that I'm not sure what to do.

 

I'm assuming it will be the end, didn't really want another break up (after my LTR ended 5 years ago I mean, had horrible depression after that) and more heartbreak, I'd probably prefer to just let it fade out, slow contact down, and not make a big deal of it, maybe be friends again in time after a period of NC.

I feel sad, but empty, exhausted with it all.

[HeavenOrHell]

Since one of the times we split, about two years ago, he's not wanted to put a r/ship label on it, almost like he wanted the pressure off and the seriousness off it so that it wouldn't go wrong again, so it's like he's had one foot back, but we've still been close and our visits have been wonderful, including the one earlier this month.

I guess if we no longer labelled it r/ship he wouldn't have to make any effort to change things for the better for us.

 

Last time we split I said I was feeling sad about the thought of not seeing him ever again, and he said sorry you're finding it harder than me

So I guess it won't phase him if I leave him. Unlike the first time we split, he found that pretty hard. But he also had this idea we'd meet up again as friends in time and that was the main thing for him, to not lose the f/ship.

[SaltwaterHeart]

I am really sorry, HoH.

I know I don't write a lot on here but I do hang around from time to time and I know you have been struggling for a while.

Not sure I am entitled to give advice here at all but you do seem to have quite a clear view on things already. I think it is quite telling that you said that although you still miss him, you feel your happiness will eventually increase if the two of you ended the relationship.

However you decide to handle it, I wish you a lot of strength!

[LittleTiger]

I'm so sorry {{{{{HOH}}}}}

 

There are several of us here who have heard you lamenting over this relationship for so long now and there is really nothing anybody can say that will change things for you.

 

I sincerely hope that this is a turning point and that you will, finally, make the decision to walk away from a relationship (and a person) who is clearly causing you so much pain.

 

You have the power to make your life better - if you choose to. I know it will be hard for you and I know you don't won't to suffer another broken heart but, a broken heart, as we all know, is temporary. If you make the break now, at least you have a chance of being in a better place this time next year - if you carry on ......well, you already know how it's going to be.

 

Hugs x

[HeavenOrHell]

I feel he wishes he had the courage or motivation to make positive changes, but he just can't do it.

 

I just want to get away from the source of the pain now.

[HeavenOrHell]

A few mistakes in my post;

 

Backed into a corner, not baked!

 

He has problems but doesn't/can't share them with me as he bottles it all up, I feel like I can't reach him.

 

We live in different parts of *Western Europe.

 

Also wanted to add, I feel his passion for us died (except in the bedroom) and that's made me so sad, upset.

Edited May 31, 2014 by HeavenOrHell

[HeavenOrHell]

We had a chat, both agreed we're stuck, and best not to meet up for while and see how we feel in time.

Breaking up gently I guess.

Sad, as we still love each other, seems the situation has got to him more that I realised and he worries about it getting to me.

But, as predicted looks like he won't, or doesn't feel able to do anything to try to make it better, have to accept his feelings for me weren't strong enough.

Edited May 31, 2014 by HeavenOrHell

[LittleTiger]

HOH, I'm sad for you - I know how much emotional energy you've put into this relationship, even though you have known for a long time that it's not working.

 

I have to ask though, how is this going to be any different from all the other times that you two have 'split up'?

 

You say that you've agreed not to meet 'for a while'. What does that mean for you? You've said many times that, if you end a relationship, you feel you need to go NC for a while. So how is 'breaking up gently' going to benefit you? Won't that make you feel even worse than you do now?

 

If you 'just want to get away from the source of the pain', do you feel this 'not meeting for a while' is going to help? Will you continue to phone him and communicate on Skype? Will you still be waiting and hoping for him to start giving you more than he is willing or able to?

[LittleTiger]

But, as predicted looks like he won't, or doesn't feel able to do anything to try to make it better, have to accept his feelings for me weren't strong enough.

 

This is an ongoing pattern with him HOH.

 

He is not motivated to 'try to make it better' because it's already good enough for him. Given the type of person that he is, I don't believe this reflects on you, or his feelings for you. I believe he loves you, but you are just not compatible.

 

We can look at romantic relationships through rose tinted specs and say that it's all about our devotion to another human being. Of course, it's important that we love our partners and, in the best relationships, we do whatever we can to make them happy but that is only half the equation.

 

All relationships, romantic or otherwise, involve two people and one of those people is ourselves. Ultimately, we only stay in a relationship if the positives outweigh the negatives - for us that is, not for our partners. This applies even we are head over heels in love!

 

Each person has to decide for themselves if the relationship is good for them. In your partner's case, your relationship seems to give him what he needs. I'm certain that he cares about your feelings too and, of course, he wants you to be happy, but he's already made it clear to you that he can't, or doesn't want to, change - and it's not fair of you to ask him to change for your sake.

 

Loving someone means loving them as they are - if they want to change for the better that's great, but if they need to change to make the relationship work, that just means you're incompatible as a couple. That's why he keeps saying, if it's not working, lets end it - because he doesn't want to see you hurting when he doesn't have the power to make it better.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's not good enough for him, we've spoken a lot today, the lack of progress and feeling stuck is getting to him too, he's not getting what he needs.

He said fear makes moving countries and changing jobs incredibly daunting, he said he wishes he was a braver person, he said he worries he would still be unhappy if he moved because his unhappiness might be down to how he feels about himself and life in general, he worries he wouldn't find a job he likes as much, but said there are jobs out there he would like as much but not easy to find them. He worries the odds aren't great on him being happy with regard to job/flat if he moved, (as he is happy with his job, on the whole) rather than the odds of us not working out, but said he knows he doesn't know that unless he tries. I think I said on here earlier that when we were in London he said to me he wouldn't mind living in London but he worries he'd end up in pokey flat as it's so pricey, I said 30 mins commute out of London is ok though (he drives that far to work, he also used to have 2 hour train ride to work) and he said yes, true.

We thrashed it out, argued, mostly as he got defensive as he thought I was having a dig when I wasn't, he has made me see exactly how hard it would be though.

He hasn't said he wouldn't do it, he's made it clear it's not easy for him.

I hoped he'd want to make his life and his depression better but he's not sure it would improve if he moved.

Incompatible I guess, yes.

 

This is an ongoing pattern with him HOH.

 

He is not motivated to 'try to make it better' because it's already good enough for him. Given the type of person that he is, I don't believe this reflects on you, or his feelings for you. I believe he loves you, but you are just not compatible.

 

We can look at romantic relationships through rose tinted specs and say that it's all about our devotion to another human being. Of course, it's important that we love our partners and, in the best relationships, we do whatever we can to make them happy but that is only half the equation.

 

All relationships, romantic or otherwise, involve two people and one of those people is ourselves. Ultimately, we only stay in a relationship if the positives outweigh the negatives - for us that is, not for our partners. This applies even we are head over heels in love!

 

Each person has to decide for themselves if the relationship is good for them. In your partner's case, your relationship seems to give him what he needs. I'm certain that he cares about your feelings too and, of course, he wants you to be happy, but he's already made it clear to you that he can't, or doesn't want to, change - and it's not fair of you to ask him to change for your sake.

 

Loving someone means loving them as they are - if they want to change for the better that's great, but if they need to change to make the relationship work, that just means you're incompatible as a couple. That's why he keeps saying, if it's not working, lets end it - because he doesn't want to see you hurting when he doesn't have the power to make it better.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't know yet, we're still talking it through.

I don't regret waiting to see if he would make changes in his life because he's depressed, but I didn't know whether that would include a future with me or not, so I gave him time as I didn't want to push him.

It's different because this time I am bored and know there's no point going back to it like this.

We won't be talking on the phone, unless he wants to talk about it and find a way through, doubtful, obviously. He wants to keep in contact with me, he said he'd hate to not be in touch.

It's only when we split up that we really talk about things, so then we try and see if there is a way through or not.

I don't really understand why he doesn't just ask me to stop talking about moving as it's never going to happen, I've asked him to say it to me so I can draw a line under it and move on, but he won't say it.

He doesn't want NC, but he'll respect if I do.

I don't know anything, I have a banging headache from crying.

 

HOH, I'm sad for you - I know how much emotional energy you've put into this relationship, even though you have known for a long time that it's not working.

 

I have to ask though, how is this going to be any different from all the other times that you two have 'split up'?

 

You say that you've agreed not to meet 'for a while'. What does that mean for you? You've said many times that, if you end a relationship, you feel you need to go NC for a while. So how is 'breaking up gently' going to benefit you? Won't that make you feel even worse than you do now?

 

If you 'just want to get away from the source of the pain', do you feel this 'not meeting for a while' is going to help? Will you continue to phone him and communicate on Skype? Will you still be waiting and hoping for him to start giving you more than he is willing or able to?

[LittleTiger]

It's not good enough for him, we've spoken a lot today, the lack of progress and feeling stuck is getting to him too, he's not getting what he needs.

He said fear makes moving countries and changing jobs incredibly daunting, he said he wishes he was a braver person, he said he worries he would still be unhappy if he moved because his unhappiness might be down to how he feels about himself and life in general, he worries he wouldn't find a job he likes as much, but said there are jobs out there he would like as much but not easy to find them. He worries the odds aren't great on him being happy with regard to job/flat if he moved, (as he is happy with his job, on the whole) rather than the odds of us not working out, but said he knows he doesn't know that unless he tries. I think I said on here earlier that when we were in London he said to me he wouldn't mind living in London but he worries he'd end up in pokey flat as it's so pricey, I said 30 mins commute out of London is ok though (he drives that far to work, he also used to have 2 hour train ride to work) and he said yes, true.

We thrashed it out, argued, mostly as he got defensive as he thought I was having a dig when I wasn't, he has made me see exactly how hard it would be though.

He hasn't said he wouldn't do it, he's made it clear it's not easy for him.

I hoped he'd want to make his life and his depression better but he's not sure it would improve if he moved.

Incompatible I guess, yes.

 

HOH, everything you've written here is about him making changes to his life. You want him to move away from his home and his country. You want him to uproot himself and take the risk of a new job he may not even like. You want him to make all the sacrifices - for you.

 

If he was asking you to do all those things, I'm pretty sure, from everything you've said about yourself, that you wouldn't even consider it for a second - regardless of how much you love him. I'm not intending to make you feel bad but can't you see how unfair it is of you to ask him to make such massive and frightening (to him) changes to his life?

 

If he's suffered from depression long term, it's unlikely to be situational ie caused by something external. He's right to worry that it will follow him to wherever he moves. In fact, it's possible that it will actually get worse - then what?

[LittleTiger]

I don't know yet, we're still talking it through.

I don't regret waiting to see if he would make changes in his life because he's depressed, but I didn't know whether that would include a future with me or not, so I gave him time as I didn't want to push him.

It's different because this time I am bored and know there's no point going back to it like this.

We won't be talking on the phone, unless he wants to talk about it and find a way through, doubtful, obviously. He wants to keep in contact with me, he said he'd hate to not be in touch.

It's only when we split up that we really talk about things, so then we try and see if there is a way through or not.

I don't really understand why he doesn't just ask me to stop talking about moving as it's never going to happen, I've asked him to say it to me so I can draw a line under it and move on, but he won't say it.

He doesn't want NC, but he'll respect if I do.

I don't know anything, I have a banging headache from crying.

 

I'm sorry you're so upset HOH. It's a horrible situation.

 

If you know he's never going to move (which you clearly do), then why do you talk about it? Why do you need him to ask you to stop? Can't you draw a line under this yourself? You have control here HOH, if you want it. Wouldn't it be less painful for both of you, if you just stopped talking about it?

 

It seems to me that you're both dancing around the situation. You both know there is no way around this. Neither of you will move and neither of you is happy as things are - so what's the point of continuing? It makes no sense.

 

You both appear to want the other one to make the final decision. I can understand that, it's easier when someone doesn't give you a choice - but, at some point, one of you will have to say 'enough is enough', 'it's over', and 'I'm done'.

[HeavenOrHell]

I wished he'd never suggested it in the first place.

 

No, I didn't know he'd never move, I thought he might be able to in time with my help and support.

People can work their fears, I thought he might move as he's not happy where he is.

Yes, I've shut up about it now, I finally get it.

 

 

I'm sorry you're so upset HOH. It's a horrible situation.

 

If you know he's never going to move (which you clearly do), then why do you talk about it? Why do you need him to ask you to stop? Can't you draw a line under this yourself? You have control here HOH, if you want it. Wouldn't it be less painful for both of you, if you just stopped talking about it?

 

It seems to me that you're both dancing around the situation. You both know there is no way around this. Neither of you will move and neither of you is happy as things are - so what's the point of continuing? It makes no sense.

 

You both appear to want the other one to make the final decision. I can understand that, it's easier when someone doesn't give you a choice - but, at some point, one of you will have to say 'enough is enough', 'it's over', and 'I'm done'.

[beach]

Now that you know he won't move - and you don't plan to move - what do you want for YOURSELF moving forward?

 

You keep waiting on HIM - but this really is up to YOU.

 

When YOU change it - YOU open up a new space that allows someone better suited to enter.

 

Look at your evidence (history) - if it gives you reasons that it's not making YOU happy - it's time for YOU to change it.

[LittleTiger]

I wished he'd never suggested it in the first place.

 

No, I didn't know he'd never move, I thought he might be able to in time with my help and support.

People can work their fears, I thought he might move as he's not happy where he is.

Yes, I've shut up about it now, I finally get it.

 

He suggested it because he 'hoped' it would be an option at some point in the future. He wanted to believe that the two of you could be together one day. Surely you can't blame him for that?

 

I understood from your posting history that you weren't expecting him to move - that you'd given up on the possibility a long time ago. My apologies if I got that wrong. At least now you know for sure. Doesn't that make the decision easier for you?

 

I am truly sorry that you're in this position HOH but at least, if you take the plunge now, you can have a chance of a happier future. If you slip back into the old routine, you are accepting that this is how your life is going to be - ad infinitum!

[HeavenOrHell]

It was his idea in the first place.

In an LDR it is often one person doing the moving.

He knows I would have been prepared to move near London, so I would have been giving up a lot as well. I feel I'd have been giving up as much as him.

Wanted us both to make sacrifices for us, he's not happy where he is.

Yes, I don't think it's lack of love which means he can't move, I'm not moving there and that's not from lack of love.

I wouldn't say it's unfair of me to have talked to him about the possibility of moving, but I should have stopped hoping he'd get the courage and willpower to do it.

I don't think he'll get happier stuck where he is, but it's his choice.

 

 

HOH, everything you've written here is about him making changes to his life. You want him to move away from his home and his country. You want him to uproot himself and take the risk of a new job he may not even like. You want him to make all the sacrifices - for you.

 

If he was asking you to do all those things, I'm pretty sure, from everything you've said about yourself, that you wouldn't even consider it for a second - regardless of how much you love him. I'm not intending to make you feel bad but can't you see how unfair it is of you to ask him to make such massive and frightening (to him) changes to his life?

 

If he's suffered from depression long term, it's unlikely to be situational ie caused by something external. He's right to worry that it will follow him to wherever he moves. In fact, it's possible that it will actually get worse - then what?

[HeavenOrHell]

It was selfish of me, I agree.

 

 

 

HOH, everything you've written here is about him making changes to his life. You want him to move away from his home and his country. You want him to uproot himself and take the risk of a new job he may not even like. You want him to make all the sacrifices - for you.

 

If he was asking you to do all those things, I'm pretty sure, from everything you've said about yourself, that you wouldn't even consider it for a second - regardless of how much you love him. I'm not intending to make you feel bad but can't you see how unfair it is of you to ask him to make such massive and frightening (to him) changes to his life?

 

If he's suffered from depression long term, it's unlikely to be situational ie caused by something external. He's right to worry that it will follow him to wherever he moves. In fact, it's possible that it will actually get worse - then what?

[LittleTiger]

It was selfish of me, I agree.

 

HOH, I'm not saying that you were being selfish. As you rightly pointed out, in a LDR one person usually has to move and make most of the sacrifices. What I'm trying to explain, admittedly rather badly, is that just because he isn't going to move doesn't mean he 'doesn't love you enough'.

 

You appear to be blaming him for this situation - he won't do this, he can't do that, he won't make the effort to change etc - but you are asking him to make sacrifices that he can't, or doesn't want to, make. The same sacrifices that you yourself can't, or don't want to, make. That's the sad reality.

 

You both have psychological problems to contend with, similar ones by the sound of it - which means that neither of you wants to move. You are therefore both responsible for the current situation.

 

You chose to stay in the relationship after his job transfer fell through, you have chosen to stay each and every time you got fed up with the way your relationship was - even though you felt neglected and hurt by his need to be alone. You even chose to stay when he indicated he didn't want to 'label' your relationship any more. What does that make you? Friends with benefits?

 

He is who he is. If he doesn't give you what you want or need, he's not the right man for you. Now is the time for you to start thinking about what's best for you. Go NC, if that's what you need. I know you love him, but what he does from this point is up to him.

 

I know you probably think I'm being harsh here but I'm responding to your posts because I genuinely care. I've lost count of the number of times you've posted threads like this in recent years. For your own sake, please make the decision to get off the merry go round while you can.

[Omei]

I remember your threads HOH I really think you've put up with so much, some things that really shouldn't ever be within a relationship at all.

 

I dont think think you should slowly leave the relationship and let it fizzle out, I think you should just go NC.

 

I fear you're dependant on your guys schedule or contact together.

 

A lot of the things you talk about like him never wanting to initiate or plans the trips was very much like my 5 year LDR and the fact that him moving wasn't in his mind so much as hoping you would be the one. You are the one swimming oceans in this relationship while he might step over a puddle if you know what I mean.

 

The best thing ever about being broken up from a LDR I tell you, once you rid of anything ever related to them physical and media its like they never existed at all and its very comforting knowing that you will never run into them or have friends in your life tell you about them they will just be totally gone it feels good!!

 

Im sorry you're hurting but after a bunch of healing wouldn't you want to one day be really happy with someone by your side without all thease issues? really think about it really really think about how happy you could be!!!

Edited June 1, 2014 by Omei

[HeavenOrHell]

I know I sound here like I'm blaming him but I don't do that with him, I am not angry with him for not being able to move, I'm angry with the situation. I make things as easy for him as I can and tell him I'm not angry with him, just frustrated with the situation.

Yes I felt resentful that he was going to move and then didn't, but I'm not resentful towards him, I didn't tell him/show him I was resentful/upset as I do also understand what happened, I was more annoyed that he'd turned it into a thing of feeling I was pressuring him to move when it was actually him who pressured me into talking about it. ie, don't force someone to talk about something when they're not ready and then when you do get them to talk cos you pushed them into it don't change your mind as soon as they do want to talk about it, but yes I know why he got cold feet, fear. I don't know if if would have had the courage that time 2 years ago when he asked his bosses about transferring, whether he would've gone through with it, because although it was his idea I did them have to coax him to ask his bosses, and when they said no lost interest in the idea.

It makes me sad when I think how enthusiastically he used to talk about moving over, had all these plans, to this day I wish he hadn't done that.

 

Yes, I don't feel it's not cos he doesn't love me enough, same as me not moving there doesn't mean that.

I did think though that moving might improve his life as he's not happy, and saying he wouldn't mind living in London but that he worried about it being pricey, is more than I could say about moving to his country. But thinking it might make him feel happier by having me in his life and having more of a social life (he's not happy being a loner) was assumptive of me.

Our r/ship hasn't helped his depression, I mean the fact we lived far apart, so I thought his life may improve if he moved, or if we both moved to a new place.

I did expect or hope for too much from him, he's not one of these people who would embrace the challenges and changes, he doesn't want big adventures like some people do.

I have always said to him I am sorry the focus was on him to move as I'm not prepared to move either.

 

 

HOH, I'm not saying that you were being selfish. As you rightly pointed out, in a LDR one person usually has to move and make most of the sacrifices. What I'm trying to explain, admittedly rather badly, is that just because he isn't going to move doesn't mean he 'doesn't love you enough'.

 

You appear to be blaming him for this situation - he won't do this, he can't do that, he won't make the effort to change etc - but you are asking him to make sacrifices that he can't, or doesn't want to, make. The same sacrifices that you yourself can't, or don't want to, make. That's the sad reality.

 

You both have psychological problems to contend with, similar ones by the sound of it - which means that neither of you wants to move. You are therefore both responsible for the current situation.

 

You chose to stay in the relationship after his job transfer fell through, you have chosen to stay each and every time you got fed up with the way your relationship was - even though you felt neglected and hurt by his need to be alone. You even chose to stay when he indicated he didn't want to 'label' your relationship any more. What does that make you? Friends with benefits?

 

He is who he is. If he doesn't give you what you want or need, he's not the right man for you. Now is the time for you to start thinking about what's best for you. Go NC, if that's what you need. I know you love him, but what he does from this point is up to him.

 

I know you probably think I'm being harsh here but I'm responding to your posts because I genuinely care. I've lost count of the number of times you've posted threads like this in recent years. For your own sake, please make the decision to get off the merry go round while you can.

[LittleTiger]

HOH, you (we) could debate the ins and outs of your relationship forever, if you wanted to - but it's not going to change anything. You've been over it all a hundred times before, in your head, with your partner and on LS.

 

You have put in a marathon effort, against all odds, to make this relationship work - it's still not working and it isn't ever going to work.

 

All that matters now is that you take care of yourself and your needs. Your ex-partner can take care of himself. I agree with Omei that there seems to be a worrying element of dependency on your side, which is making it much harder for you to walk away but, unless you want to live this way for the rest of your life, you have to take control.

 

Please think carefully about what you want right now.

 

"What needs to happen for you to start moving in a new direction - away from this painful relationship?"

 

If the answer if NC - go for it!

 

If it helps, tell yourself (tell him even) that you can be friends in the future but, for now, cut contact and start the grieving process. Once day you will wake up feeling very glad that you did.

[HeavenOrHell]

I wouldn't call it dependency, yes I am finding it hard to suddenly stop contact with my closest friend after talking every day for 4 years, that's natural surely, and I am right to grieve over the loss and to grieve over the future he spoke about us having, I think most people would miss their partner if they split.

I've said all I can say on this.

 

Yes, I'll stop contact.

 

 

HOH, you (we) could debate the ins and outs of your relationship forever, if you wanted to - but it's not going to change anything. You've been over it all a hundred times before, in your head, with your partner and on LS.

 

You have put in a marathon effort, against all odds, to make this relationship work - it's still not working and it isn't ever going to work.

 

All that matters now is that you take care of yourself and your needs. Your ex-partner can take care of himself. I agree with Omei that there seems to be a worrying element of dependency on your side, which is making it much harder for you to walk away but, unless you want to live this way for the rest of your life, you have to take control.

 

Please think carefully about what you want right now.

 

"What needs to happen for you to start moving in a new direction - away from this painful relationship?"

 

If the answer if NC - go for it!

 

If it helps, tell yourself (tell him even) that you can be friends in the future but, for now, cut contact and start the grieving process. Once day you will wake up feeling very glad that you did.

[HeavenOrHell]

But you look forward to talking to your partner most days surely? And you'd miss him if he was no longer in your life? Does that mean you're dependent too?

I'm extremely busy with my life at the moment and am not sitting around moping, sorry if I gave that impression.

 

 

 

HOH, you (we) could debate the ins and outs of your relationship forever, if you wanted to - but it's not going to change anything. You've been over it all a hundred times before, in your head, with your partner and on LS.

 

You have put in a marathon effort, against all odds, to make this relationship work - it's still not working and it isn't ever going to work.

 

All that matters now is that you take care of yourself and your needs. Your ex-partner can take care of himself. I agree with Omei that there seems to be a worrying element of dependency on your side, which is making it much harder for you to walk away but, unless you want to live this way for the rest of your life, you have to take control.

 

Please think carefully about what you want right now.

 

"What needs to happen for you to start moving in a new direction - away from this painful relationship?"

 

If the answer if NC - go for it!

 

If it helps, tell yourself (tell him even) that you can be friends in the future but, for now, cut contact and start the grieving process. Once day you will wake up feeling very glad that you did.

[HeavenOrHell]

And sorry I'm snappy, emotions are raw as hell right now, I'm sorry I do appreciate your input.