SaltwaterHeart Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Dear fellow LDRers After two years of countless Skype calls and airport hellos and goodbyes, the bf and I are at a point where that "ultimate goal" of long distance relationships is slowly coming into sight - wonderful and scary at the same time! I might be moving to a new city this autumn and he'd be following me there in early 2015. As I approach this new situation, I'd love to hear your opinions and insights on closing the distance. I have often heard how transitioning from being in a LDR to moving in together can be quite bumpy. In fact, a lot of people actually seem to advise against moving in together directly. What are your thoughts on this? Did you ease in to living together by getting separate places nearby at first or did you jump in head first? (or plan to?) What do you think is important in general when closing the distance? I'm interested to hear the thoughts of those that already made the jump as well as those of you who still look forward to closing the distance one day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Dear fellow LDRers After two years of countless Skype calls and airport hellos and goodbyes, the bf and I are at a point where that "ultimate goal" of long distance relationships is slowly coming into sight - wonderful and scary at the same time! I might be moving to a new city this autumn and he'd be following me there in early 2015. As I approach this new situation, I'd love to hear your opinions and insights on closing the distance. I have often heard how transitioning from being in a LDR to moving in together can be quite bumpy. In fact, a lot of people actually seem to advise against moving in together directly. What are your thoughts on this? Did you ease in to living together by getting separate places nearby at first or did you jump in head first? (or plan to?) What do you think is important in general when closing the distance? I'm interested to hear the thoughts of those that already made the jump as well as those of you who still look forward to closing the distance one day. honestly i would suggest separate residences for a while.......get used to being around a person who suddenly develops new traits that you havent seen yet or known about ......and ease yourself and them into a happy union not a lumped into co habitating union where you havent spent a lot of 24/7 time together where one person is at a disadvantage on many levels.....as in the person who moved ...........deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) I am making the move in about 2-weeks. I'm moving 1500 or so miles to where she is. I hear what deb is saying. When my gf and I decided to go for this LDR, we agreed that my move would not involve a continuation of dating. Didn't make sense to make a move thousands of miles with my kids to continue "dating." I made a concerted effort to see her every month to get to know one another better (we had dated prior to her moving). The goal has always been, if things worked out, that we are to make that next important level of commitment, ie. engagement/marriage. Nothing less. Close to a year later of LDR, I will propose very soon. Very few disadvantages for me. I'm moving to a city, location of the country that is better suited for me and my kids. The general area is not foreign to me entirely. Job prospects are fine, dating (if things didn't or don't work out) are actually better than my current location, politics more aligned to my own, closer to my own family, etc. Of course there are some disadvantages, but they can be overcome or if not, I simply move to a location better suited. If things don't work out I've always had another plan. I would leave the area and go abroad or close to my own family. SO, you should always go in with a plan B. Not b/c you want or think something will go wrong, rather, b/c, you need to be smart and not lock yourself in a situation where regret/disappointment keeps you from moving on. I'm not worried about moving in. I'm excited about it as she is. It will be an adventure, new chapter, journey in our lives that will involve new challenges, new dynamics. So, for us, jumping in head first is the plan. How well do you think you know each other? What and why would you want to live separate lives when it appears the goal has been to do the opposite? Edited May 28, 2014 by soccerrprp 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 I'm probably a bit unusual, but my ideal would be to be closer to my partner but not live together, possibly never, I'd be happy to just see him twice a week. I've never been one to follow the rules on what most people do in these situations! I wouldn't advise people to move straight in together after being LD. I'd ease in gradually. I don't call it dating when I don't live with someone but we've been together a while, I don't see it as dating in my current r/ship, it's more serious than 'dating'. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 Well, the next level of commitment for me and my gf is to be engaged/married and that necessarily, healthily involves living together as a family. If your next level of commitment is simply to live closer and essentially (in my mind) continue dating, then so be it. Just make certain that you have thought it out clearly and realize what you sacrifice, lose in the move. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 Dating is when people go out together to see how they get on and get to know each other, and to work out if they have something worth continuing, I'm well beyond that in my LDR after four years, we visit and stay with each other, we don't date, well no more than a married couple would who go out for dinner, it doesn't feel like dating, it feels like spending time together with the person I love. If we split up it won't feel in any way like four years of dating, it will still be that we had four years of a committed, serious r/ship. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 My SO and I closed the distance almost 4 years ago, we're still together. What we did was live separately for the first 6 months. However that was more due to circumstance than choice, as he was living in university accommodation. Our transition was also fairly bumpy, but that was, I think, mostly precipitated by severe financial problems that were caused by the move. After he started working, we moved into a 2 bedroom house without any issues. It's been a breeze ever since. I don't think the 6 months before it helped in any way, to be honest. My suggestion to you would be, if possible, a 2 bedroom house. It helps a lot to have your own space, especially if you haven't ever cohabitated with anyone before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltwaterHeart Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) I can completely see the point about getting separate places at first, however it does seem kind of silly considering the fact that both of us will be moving pretty far to finally be in the same city. It's probably my impatience getting the better of me as we both finally want to be together for good and it's so close! I'm fully aware that impatience isn't the best of reasons, though. How well do you think you know each other? What and why would you want to live separate lives when it appears the goal has been to do the opposite? That was kind of my reasoning here too. I just want to finally close the distance and be with him so badly, which is after all what we've been working towards the past few years. However, I really don't want to mess up all we have built together until now just because I am rushing in to things, that's why I was curious about everyone's opinions.. Edited May 28, 2014 by SaltwaterHeart Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 SaltwaterHeart, Did you two date in the same city prior to LDR? It doesn't sound like it. Anyway, I truly believe people in LDR should have a "clearer" view of outcomes. LDR are more difficult and involves one or the other (or both) moving, up-rooting themselves from established lives, surroundings. I, personally, believe that after so much expense, commitment and investment, a talk about being together should have taken place before a move takes place. That's just me.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 a lot of people actually seem to advise against moving in together directly. What are your thoughts on this? I think such decision should depend on the couple and its dynamics. I think trial time shouldn't be necessary if you spend sufficient time together 24/7 for a certain lenghth of time. If that was never possible, then moving in together might come with lots of surprises and friction too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltwaterHeart Posted May 31, 2014 Author Share Posted May 31, 2014 SaltwaterHeart, Did you two date in the same city prior to LDR? It doesn't sound like it. Anyway, I truly believe people in LDR should have a "clearer" view of outcomes. LDR are more difficult and involves one or the other (or both) moving, up-rooting themselves from established lives, surroundings. I, personally, believe that after so much expense, commitment and investment, a talk about being together should have taken place before a move takes place. That's just me.... We did actually date locally at the very beginning, albeit only for a few months. I completely agree with you on discussion about the future and we have talked this through extensively. We do know where we're going and both of us really don't want to get separate places after all this time and I'm not sure if in our case easing in to living together would actually be necessary. I feel like we could just make the jump. However many seem to advise against closing the distance by moving in immediately which is why I asked for opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltwaterHeart Posted May 31, 2014 Author Share Posted May 31, 2014 I think such decision should depend on the couple and its dynamics. I think trial time shouldn't be necessary if you spend sufficient time together 24/7 for a certain lenghth of time. If that was never possible, then moving in together might come with lots of surprises and friction too. That's what I think and exactly what I was hoping to hear. (I'm sure you don't hear that response a lot, justwhoiam! ) Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 That's true, if a couple has spent months together in one go then that would be sufficient. I think such decision should depend on the couple and its dynamics. I think trial time shouldn't be necessary if you spend sufficient time together 24/7 for a certain lenghth of time. If that was never possible, then moving in together might come with lots of surprises and friction too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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