Rainbowx Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 My boyfriend felt like nothing he did was good enough for me and emotionally disconnected. Like a white piece of paper, he feels nothing. But he does know that he'd like for things to work between us. It's this strange, uncomfortable feeling. He was so hurt by women that he opted out of dating whatsoever until he met me. We've been long distance 2/3rds of the relationship. We had some conflict, he felt like what he does isn't good enough for me and why should he even bother, then I was pushy for answers a few days later and he wanted to hide. All that's done and forgiven now. He managed so shut off his emotions and now he can't feel anything and it's uncomfortable. He wants things to work out and he loves his time with me still but he is confused he can't feel anything. This has happened to me in the past here and there but I've always just pushed through it. First time it ever happened I ruined my relationship. Next couple relationships I just waited it out and it got better. It even happened with him at the beginning!! He said it's some kind of defensive mechanism. My mother has also said the same thing and said it's happened to her now and again too, usually something triggers the feelings back. She said it's like a tap that just needs to be switched on again. This isn't a cop-out. He still spends all his time with me and wants to get home from work and open up to me. We still have our smiley moments some times but he gives me no affectionate words because he has been confused. Please remember that he is inexperienced and he has said that he does want this to work out because we have some amazing memories and we both want to stay together. We're going to wait this out for a little while but he doesn't want it to drag it out longer than say a month because the thought of hurting me makes him feel sick. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I'm guessing you started out together physically, but moved away. It gets to a point where not being together is so painful, it's unbearable. My guess this is why he is shutting down. He keeps saying he wants to work it out, but that's because he is afraid to let go, fears the anxiety of being alone. You can't stop it, he has already made up his mind. He is in the process of living with the reality of being without you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 He said the distance doesn't bother him, and that he wants this to work and that we'll get through it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 He was so hurt by women that he opted out of dating whatsoever until he met me. To be blunt, this is his problem, not yours. I've had some bad relationships and a decent one as well. But none worked out. Just because I did not strike gold the first or third time does not mean life is over and there's no one out there for me. Just because he was hurt, does not mean he can't pick himself up and move forward. We had some conflict, he felt like what he does isn't good enough for me and why should he even bother, then I was pushy for answers a few days later and he wanted to hide. All that's done and forgiven now. He managed so shut off his emotions and now he can't feel anything and it's uncomfortable. He wants things to work out and he loves his time with me still but he is confused he can't feel anything. I read your other thread, and I'm confused. How does he feel he isn't good enough for you, when he was complaining about you not finding a job? How is that even related? Your boyfriend is not being understanding and patient. Worst of all, his only reaction is to shut down and hide. To me it seems he has a serious self-esteem issue, and he is allowing his past pain to seep into his current relationship with you. Him shutting off his emotions is very selfish of him, and highly inconsiderate of your feelings. He thinks he is the only one in the relationship that matters, so how come he feels he isn't good enough for you? We're going to wait this out for a little while but he doesn't want it to drag it out longer than say a month because the thought of hurting me makes him feel sick. Ouch, giving you a time limit too. The relationship is on a schedule, his schedule. How considerate of him to use reverse psychology, to think he is doing you a favor by not wanting to hurt you, when he has been hurting you all this time. Again, he is selfish, because he mentions it's making him sick. To be honest, you need to begin detaching yourself from him like he has done to you. I understand this is hard for you now, because you are emotionally invested, but you need to fully fathom that you alone can't keep the relationship afloat. Begin focusing on yourself as soon as you can, because this will hurt the same (if not more) in a month's time when he considerately doesn't want to hurt you anymore and breaks up with you. A month can be enough time for a man to begin detaching emotionally, so he has already begun checking out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted May 20, 2014 Author Share Posted May 20, 2014 He didn't give me a time limit. It was just an example of a time I'd be willing to wait. It can be longer or shorter, he just doesn't want me hurting badly over all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 He didn't give me a time limit. It was just an example of a time I'd be willing to wait. It can be longer or shorter, he just doesn't want me hurting badly over all this. But you are already hurting badly over this. I understand you care about him, because emotionally you are attached. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you see the signs that he has emotionally shut down, which makes it even worse for you because you want him to be more emotionally expressive, why are you still making excuses for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 But you are already hurting badly over this. I understand you care about him, because emotionally you are attached. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you see the signs that he has emotionally shut down, which makes it even worse for you because you want him to be more emotionally expressive, why are you still making excuses for him? Because he still gets home every night and shares his day with me. Because he still wants to spend all of his time with me. Because he understands that this may only be temporary because a system shock can make you shut down for a while. He is making a commitment to stay with me and make this work, he is not repulsed by my presence. My best friend who is very experienced with this has it happen to him fairly often, says that it can take some time to come back around from something like this, and can be someone's way of dealing with the first huge impact a relationship brings. My boyfriend has been afraid of dating because of what women have done to him in the past. It's a common reason for commitment-phobia. So it was in his defense mechanism to withdraw and we have no idea if this is temporary or not. Relationships have all sorts of crap that people need to work through together. He understands that I made a mistake and forgives me, but I can't force his feeling to come back. The fact that he's willing to commit as long as it takes to see if it does is a good sign. He said as long as I'm willing to wait. I'm not one to run away at the first sight of trouble and obviously neither is he. I don't know if this is stupid and yes dealing with it has been painful but I hurt because I've always seemed to end up with inexperienced guys who are unwilling to work through things at the first sign of trouble, so my hurt is my fear speaking. I myself have also dealt with this sort of emotional disconnect so I know that you *can* come back around from it, but again my fear is speaking because it isn't easy when it happens to you. And if he doesn't face it and work through it then every relationship he gets into is going to be doomed on first impact. No, that isn't my responsibility to fix for him and he has to face it for him but the fact that he still wants to be around me and commit to making it work instead of running away is why I'm willing to go the mile for him. We've created some amazing memories and can see each other being the person we want to spend the rest of each others' lives with. Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Because he still gets home every night and shares his day with me. Because he still wants to spend all of his time with me. Because he understands that this may only be temporary because a system shock can make you shut down for a while. He is making a commitment to stay with me and make this work, he is not repulsed by my presence. My best friend who is very experienced with this has it happen to him fairly often, says that it can take some time to come back around from something like this, and can be someone's way of dealing with the first huge impact a relationship brings. My boyfriend has been afraid of dating because of what women have done to him in the past. It's a common reason for commitment-phobia. So it was in his defense mechanism to withdraw and we have no idea if this is temporary or not. Relationships have all sorts of crap that people need to work through together. He understands that I made a mistake and forgives me, but I can't force his feeling to come back. The fact that he's willing to commit as long as it takes to see if it does is a good sign. He said as long as I'm willing to wait. I'm not one to run away at the first sight of trouble and obviously neither is he. I don't know if this is stupid and yes dealing with it has been painful but I hurt because I've always seemed to end up with inexperienced guys who are unwilling to work through things at the first sign of trouble, so my hurt is my fear speaking. I myself have also dealt with this sort of emotional disconnect so I know that you *can* come back around from it, but again my fear is speaking because it isn't easy when it happens to you. And if he doesn't face it and work through it then every relationship he gets into is going to be doomed on first impact. No, that isn't my responsibility to fix for him and he has to face it for him but the fact that he still wants to be around me and commit to making it work instead of running away is why I'm willing to go the mile for him. We've created some amazing memories and can see each other being the person we want to spend the rest of each others' lives with. Just make sure you don't spend years and years working through crap and see your life pass by... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 Ya, if it's obvious nothing's changing after a while I'm going to let go to preserve my own sanity. I hate the constant feeling of pain and unknown but if it's just a system shock that caused him to shell up for a bit then it's worth the wait. Apparently the feelings start to trickle back after a while or something. I'm not a psychololologist so I can't answer that and everyone's different. =[ I just wish there was an easy way to switch my pain off until I get my answer Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) Ya, if it's obvious nothing's changing after a while I'm going to let go to preserve my own sanity. I hate the constant feeling of pain and unknown but if it's just a system shock that caused him to shell up for a bit then it's worth the wait. Apparently the feelings start to trickle back after a while or something. I'm not a psychololologist so I can't answer that and everyone's different. =[ I just wish there was an easy way to switch my pain off until I get my answer shutting off from pain and trauma is actually not good......causes long term problems far beyond the time it would take to grieve and heal naturally by allowing yourself to feel loss or hurt or heartache..... feeling is good... not going into great detail but i have had physical and emotional and mental trauma most of my life.....its only been the last several years i have not had really acute trauma......still had trauma though.......and when i face traumatic situations i dont actually disconnect i fracture off.....so i dont feel physical pain or whatever else there is for me to have to feel from external influences.... but then i could fall over a year later and hurt the same leg and have a flashback that feels so real.......but this time .....i have double the feeling.....so i pay double a lot........a lot of hurt times two or three or four or however many times i have been hurt before...........you disconnect ....and come straight back to the same conversation....which is feeling pain.....only more is there now.....your bf may have to find this out the hard way...... if he is disconnecting....its not good you know that its causing problems so dont you disconnect too.......you should not shut pain out...i did so out of necessity...believe me .....i actually know i felt it in there somewhere.....because i flash back soemtimes essentially when you shut off parts of your personality from feeling....where do they go and do they get pissed and then go stuff you for disconnecting lets multiply....give you several personalities ........who knows.....i dont know what could be true, so dont risk any disconnection from you or him..... let your bf know he needs to see someone and talk it out with someone compassionate whom he trusts implicitly to share his feelings with to get over this....dont you take on his habits,those habits, really are doing neither one of you any favors.............best wishes.....deb Edited May 21, 2014 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Hmm I can relate to him. Only in my case, once I shut off, it's gone for good. Nothing can bring the feelings back. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Hmm I can relate to him. Only in my case, once I shut off, it's gone for good. Nothing can bring the feelings back. maybe eternal,nothing brings your feelings back i think your cat knows different...........you adore your kitty......and i would think you kitty knows exactly how you feel because you talk to him probably befopre you spoil him stoopid......seeing how you defend him when people call him fat alo you are quick to share exactly what you are thinking.............you are a sensitive person eternal, i have read your posts for quite a few years....and you get hurt and you are not shy in expressing how you feel.....whether you admit or not....i can tell you have a soft heart that feels quite a bit.........hugs....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) Well luckily for me (I guess) I can't shut it off. The feelings of pain just won't stop, no matter what. Every waking minute of my day it tears at me internally until the problem is resolved in some way. This has happened for everything in my life that's bothered me, and about 1/3rd of my life solid has been this horrendous neurological agony that won't go away. A lot of it comes from fears of my past. I need to learn how to let go of that pain, it weighs on me worse and worse every year as I get hurt more adds worse to the burden, like you carry it in a backpack and add more pain each time. Oh. BAGGAGE?! lol Taking my mind off things isn't easy because my brain won't stop no matter what I do and all of this pain is triggered. But luckily my referral for therapy was successful and my first day is on Friday!! =] I've been getting referred for five years and now the time I need it most it finally presents itself to me. My life is looking up!!! And omg job interview in 12 hours! Oh also Todreaminblue I didn't plan on shutting my feelings off even if I could. I just wish there was an easy way out of this agonizing pain. It's happened so many times now but this time with a person I see true value in and love with all my heart. Being with him has helped me to spiritually grow as a way better person so at the very least I can walk away with that, and better wellbeing in the future. =] Edited May 21, 2014 by Rainbowx Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Good luck with the interview! I hope you can sleep Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Because he still gets home every night and shares his day with me. Because he still wants to spend all of his time with me. Because he understands that this may only be temporary because a system shock can make you shut down for a while. He is making a commitment to stay with me and make this work, he is not repulsed by my presence. My best friend who is very experienced with this has it happen to him fairly often, says that it can take some time to come back around from something like this, and can be someone's way of dealing with the first huge impact a relationship brings. My boyfriend has been afraid of dating because of what women have done to him in the past. It's a common reason for commitment-phobia. So it was in his defense mechanism to withdraw and we have no idea if this is temporary or not. Relationships have all sorts of crap that people need to work through together. He understands that I made a mistake and forgives me, but I can't force his feeling to come back. The fact that he's willing to commit as long as it takes to see if it does is a good sign. He said as long as I'm willing to wait. I'm not one to run away at the first sight of trouble and obviously neither is he. I don't know if this is stupid and yes dealing with it has been painful but I hurt because I've always seemed to end up with inexperienced guys who are unwilling to work through things at the first sign of trouble, so my hurt is my fear speaking. I myself have also dealt with this sort of emotional disconnect so I know that you *can* come back around from it, but again my fear is speaking because it isn't easy when it happens to you. And if he doesn't face it and work through it then every relationship he gets into is going to be doomed on first impact. No, that isn't my responsibility to fix for him and he has to face it for him but the fact that he still wants to be around me and commit to making it work instead of running away is why I'm willing to go the mile for him. We've created some amazing memories and can see each other being the person we want to spend the rest of each others' lives with. I want to point out that him sharing the events in his day, spends a lot of time talking with you, also means you two are really good friends. But with a lack of emotional expression from him, means just that, really good pen pals. You have already complained about his lack of emotional support in your other thread, and now it has gotten worse. Even if it by some chance it improves, you will get the old him back which you felt wasn't enough emotional support in the first place. I've been in a relationship with a girl that was emotionally distant, and thought showing emotions was an incomprehensible concept. I stuck it out for ten months, suffered, even convinced myself that at least we are together, it is good enough. It wasn't good enough actually. I broke it off with her. I'm illustrating my experience to you, because I can see you are doing the same. You are convincing yourself that as long he exists in your mind, your heart, and still talks to you, there is a chance he will magically change and give you what you've wanted all this time. Ultimately it is your choice how long you continue. I, and other posters, are just trying to help you recognize that you will suffer from this relationship for a long time, unless you decide to move past it and heal. I wish you the best with the job interview. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 Ohhh I see what you mean! The problem was that he just wasn't able to give anything while he was so stressed with his work promotion, and then out fight made him snap and now he feels nothing. Prior to all of this we were good and it was post honeymoon stage. Distance makes it hard too. He's also been reading the five love languages for my sake. If he does begin to feel better about us again then he'll show stuff again. He's reluctant to say anything right now because he feels as if he's lying to me. Then moving forward if he suffers this again he'll know to continue to give without worrying about the fluctuating feelings. But if it turns out that he can't get it back and he feels that he no longer wants to be with me or it's gone on too long for me and he isn't showing any positive changes, then yeah I'm not going to hold on. I understand that love is a commitment and the feelings come and go. I've also experienced the hollow empty feeling that's happened to him. But it is his first time. He was just having doubts, and then the conflict made him emotionally snap and feel nothing since. Maybe he will warm up again. He wants to. He does like the emotional stuff. He is just confused and we are riding it out. Thank you so much for your responses and helping me come to understand what you mean, even if so blunt. It's a huge risk, but if he can't warm up again I know what's best even if it sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) ps, three hours to go! (also for all we know it could just be this http://loveyourladylife.com/2013/08/28/is-your-guy-a-rubber-band-or-a-bungee-cord/ . He is inexperienced, so new things can be confusing.) Edited May 21, 2014 by Rainbowx Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 Nailed the job interview it was awesome. Got home, my boyfriend and I talked about our days in depth and then we watched Star Wars, now he's in bed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I hope it all works out for you. Use caution though and don't let what happened with his feelings slide under the rug. If you do, then the problem will fester and come out in other ways that can permenantly damage your relationship beyond repair. Get to the bottom of why the fight put you in a different light in his eyes. Then you can actually work to fix it. Ask him to verbalize how your actions made him feel. If he says something like, "your actions during that time made me feel disrespected, minimized, hurt and disposable" then you can address it honestly. I've been where he is and lost trust and faith in someone because their attempts to fix the issue didn't appear genuine. I felt like they were just slapping a bandaid on the wound expecting it to go away. I also felt like they were trying to turn it around on me when I didn't do a thing. Own your actions if you did wrong and dig deep within yourself to figure out the motivation behind it and deal with it honestly. If something he did made you feel bad then let him know, but also look at how you both responded. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Thank you so much for your responses and helping me come to understand what you mean, even if so blunt. It's a huge risk, but if he can't warm up again I know what's best even if it sucks. Very good, hope everything works out for the best for you with your relationship. (also for all we know it could just be this Is Your Guy a Rubber Band or a Bungee Cord? | Love Your Love-Life . He is inexperienced, so new things can be confusing.) Very interesting read. Hopefully your boyfriend resolves his confusion and moves forward with you. Nailed the job interview it was awesome. Got home, my boyfriend and I talked about our days in depth and then we watched Star Wars, now he's in bed. Congratulations on the success of the job interview. Link to post Share on other sites
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