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Met a guy with an Australian visa dilemma; help! [update]


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CherryBlossom200

Hi everyone,

 

I'm hoping someone will be able to give me some good advice. I met a guy about 3 months ago online, we hit it off straight away. Our first date lasted 8 hours! Then on the 2nd date he admitted he he applied for an Australian Visa (it's a skilled worker permanent visa) we are both from London. It's been his dream since he was 21 to live in oz and never thought in a million years he would get the visa. We are both 38 and I guess looking to meet the right person and start a family. The connection between us was amazing, so I agreed that we keep seeing each other and he hinted that if things worked out he would maybe look at postphoning going to oz for a couple of years. I said I would be happy to re-locate to oz if we went as a couple. So we continued the relationship.

 

It got better and better, literally it's a perfect relationship. We are both very similar, same family values, non-drama relationship and we get on extremly well. We became close very early on and the bond continued to get stronger as the months went on.

 

He introduced me to his closest friends recently and his brother/wife and family. Apparently he has never done this with a gf before.

 

He has driven the relationship forward by asking me to be his gf, he instigated us going away together a couple of times.

 

The problem is he told me about 6 weeks ago he is planning on going to oz in August when his freelancing work stops (he will be unemployed then) he needs to activate his VISA this year and then be in the country for 4 years so he can apply for citizenship. I can't go to oz on my own as I'm a PA and wouldn't be able to apply for a VISA on my own merit. I would need to 'attach' myself to his visa by way of a partner visa which means marriage (which I doubt would happen) or live together for 12 months over in the UK and then we can apply for me to go with him.

 

When I found I he was planning on going i August I was devastated and told him I didn't see the point in us carrying on. But he said he wanted to carry on spending time with me to see how we felt nearer the time.

 

I know a lot of you will think he is stringing me on. But my gut instinct and by way of his actions, I KNOW this guy cares deeply for me. He is a genuinely good guy who is torn between me and oz.

 

We got back from holiday on Friday, we had an amazing time together, no arguing. It was perfect. But on the last day, I saw a facebook message that someone had posted on his wall. The person obviously has seen holiday photos of us and they said 'are you still coming to oz' he replied back with 'yep I'm coming in a couple of month. will email you when I've booked my flights' - this was a HUGE kick in the stomach. It went rapidly downhill from then. He said he told me he was going to oz and that he was hoping I would come on a holiday visa later this year to see if I liked it. But I said I already told him that I couldn't come on my own visa as my job isn't 'rare' enough. I really, really thought that this guy was thinking along the lines of that possibly we go together in a few years time once we prove our relationship. But he wrote publicly on facebook that he is still leaving in August. I am deeply hurt and disappointed. I pretty much felt like I was falling in love with him. But he said he wasn't sure if he was in love with me, that he has feelings of love but because of bad relationships in the past he doesn't feel he knows what love is. He was hurt when he was much younger with a girl he fell in love with, and never fallen in love again.

 

So I told him on the beach that I didn't see the point in seeing him anymore as I can't get over to oz on my own. He fell apart then, he cried pretty much most of the journey home, said he felt sick and was devastated. I may be crazy here, but my gut instinct is fairly good. To me it felt very much like he was in love with me and that he is in a weird state of denial for his feelings towards me. I didn't cry at all. I know the feeling of feeling sick when you are on the verge of a break up and it's because you love the person. If I didn't love someone I wouldn't cry or have such a physical reaction to the thought??

 

Anyway, he said he wanted some time to think about things. So I said lets not speak to each other for a week and meet up and talk then. He is going to decide over me or oz (which I don't want him to do, I want him to see he can do both) I told him he should let me go to find someone in the UK and he seemed devastated at the thought of letting me go.

 

I am pretty upset about this and need some advice about what to do?

 

xxx

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Just putting this out there - this isn't necessarily a catch-22. You can get to Aussie without a resident visa or skilled migrant points - there are working holidays, tourist visas, etc. You can use those to temporarily get to Aussie, live there with him for 12 months and then apply for a partner visa based on that. Get onto some Australian immigration forums and ask around.

 

But. SHOULD you do that? That's a much more complicated question to answer. If he is open to contributing half the expenses, will you consider taking a holiday to Aussie on a tourist visa and then seeing if you like the place? Or is leaving London not an option at all for you? If the latter, then probably best to end things.

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Ugh Facebook! It always delivers surprising news. I say just move on to the next...preferably someone who doesn't have a Facebook account.

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CherryBlossom200

Yeah I'm aware of these options, but I have commitments here. I own a flat (which I could rent out) and have cats, which I would be prepared to give to friends. But it would be really hard not being able to work for 12 months and relying on him, I have money I could use. But at the end of the day I feel I am the one who will be giving up more then he will be. Plus he wouldn't support me out there, he doesn't do a job which pays enough for both of us. Plus if he doesn't know how he feels about me at this stage I don't know if I could chance leaving the UK to be with him. I would want to know for certain that he is in love with me before I take the risk to go.

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CherryBlossom200

Also I don't think I would be able to get a working holiday visa as I am over 30...

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If he's definitely going to Australia in August, then either you:

 

* Break up now

* Break up when he leaves

* Go to Australia with him (various ways)

* Have an LDR

 

Maybe there's a fifth choice: Try to convince him to delay. But I have a hard time even typing that, as I myself wouldn't be able to tell someone I loved I want him to delay his lifelong dream just as it comes to fruition after a 17-year wait. Just look at pros and cons of each and talk honestly. This is a 3 month old relationship.

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Yeah I'm aware of these options, but I have commitments here. I own a flat (which I could rent out) and have cats, which I would be prepared to give to friends. But it would be really hard not being able to work for 12 months and relying on him, I have money I could use. But at the end of the day I feel I am the one who will be giving up more then he will be. Plus he wouldn't support me out there, he doesn't do a job which pays enough for both of us. Plus if he doesn't know how he feels about me at this stage I don't know if I could chance leaving the UK to be with him. I would want to know for certain that he is in love with me before I take the risk to go.

 

Ah, okay, these are all definitely good points. In that case, as hard as it will be, I think you should probably end things.

Edited by Elswyth
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StanMusial

It might be more prudent to find someone a little more settled if you want to start a family...

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I've done LDRs so it's not a big deal to me. It can't hurt to go there for a visit, keeping in steady contact in between. It's possible he won't find work so will have to come back or he won't like it as much as he thought he would. You, on the other hand, might like Oz if you go. If you don't that would be a good excuse to end things.

 

This situation might end up in marriage for you and him much sooner than if he lived in the UK, if you play your cards right. You need time to miss him. If you don't then that is your answer.

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LittleTiger
Ah, okay, these are all definitely good points. In that case, as hard as it will be, I think you should probably end things.

 

....or try an LDR for while and see how it goes?

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....or try an LDR for while and see how it goes?

 

Well, yes, there is that option too. :laugh: But if I read the OP's post correctly, she's saying that there would be no feasible way to do the 12 months together, even in the future? I don't know how similar Aussie's laws are to NZ, but if they are similar and the 12 months are absolutely required (regardless of marital status), then that might pose a problem.

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LittleTiger
Well, yes, there is that option too. :laugh: But if I read the OP's post correctly, she's saying that there would be no feasible way to do the 12 months together, even in the future? I don't know how similar Aussie's laws are to NZ, but if they are similar and the 12 months are absolutely required (regardless of marital status), then that might pose a problem.

 

I'm not sure how anybody can see into the future to that extent. :confused: Anything could happen!

 

I think the biggest problem is his lack of commitment to the relationship. If they both wanted it badly enough, they could make it work - somehow!

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CherryBlossom200

Hi everyone,

 

I wrote a post a few days ago, I don't know how to link to my post? But basically, I met a guy three months ago online. Hit it off straight away, first date lasted 8 hours long. We have amazing chemisty, you know the type that doesn't come along very often - yep we have it on every single level, spiritually everything

 

Then he dropped a bombshell on our 2nd date and said he has a VISA for oz, it came through before we met. We are both 38 and want kids and to settle down, but it's been his dream since he was 21 to move to Oz as he loves it. The Visa took two years and a LOT of money to get so I know this means a hell of a lot to him. But he hinted he could delay it a couple of years. He has a skilled worker, permanent visa which after 4 years of being in oz he can then apply for citizenship so he really doesn't want to eat into his visa if he can help it. But, we decided to carry on seeing each to see where things go. It's out of the question for me to apply for my own visa as I'm a PA and they don't need anymore PA's in oz, so only option is to go on a partner visa. But I stated from the start I would be more then happy to go with him should things work out with us.

 

So we spent the last 3 months together and things have got better and better, we have been through some rocky times due to oz but get through it maturely and without drama. He introduced me to his brother and his family, also his best mates which he has never done with a gf before.

 

Anyway, we went on hols last week together for a full week. The holiday was amazing, couldn't of asked for a better time together. But on the last day his mate from oz posted something on facebook saying you still coming to oz? My bf responded with yeah, still coming in a couple of months time, will let you know when I book my flights. I was gobsmacked! I was on hols with this man who led me to believe he may wait and he posts that for all to see when there are photos of me and him on holiday together!! I couldn't believe it.

 

Anyway, we had a crisis talk on our last day and he cried pretty much all the way home at the thought of losing me, said he felt sick but not sure if he loved me. All mixed messages. So I said sure I'm happy to walk away, and he wasn't happy with that, I said at the airport he needs to let me go to find someone in the UK, nope he wasn't happy with that either.

 

Surely when you love someone you get that sick feeling at the thought of being separated from them and not cry if you dont love them?

 

We decided to not to speak to one another for a week so he can have some time to think about what is best for us. He said he wants to make the right decision for us. So I have given him space. He has just called me now, two days before the end of the full week of not speaking. Asking if we can meet up he sounded happy and normal, I said tomorrow and he said he is meeting mates so wondered if I could make Friday. I thought WTF are you dragging out dumping me?! Why not just tell me today? So I said I can meet you quickly before you meet your friends tomorrow, and he said he didn't want to rush things? Surely if you are dumping someone you want it to be over as quickly as possible and not drag it out out any longer then normal? This is mental torture for me. I'm exhausted.

 

So my question is...surely if you are dumping someone, you wouldn't want a long drawn out conversation? He is dragging me into town to meet. Why would be drag me into central london to dump me?

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milanlover

You are assuming he's dumping you but from the way you tell your story, you are hoping us to tell you that he is not dumping you, right?

 

But well, it's best just to wait till then and hear him out. We can't give you your answer.

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mummyjonno

As much as you like this guy and clearly visa versa you are dating, you aren't even in an exclusive relationship and you are talking about considering moving to oz with him, and him having to choose between you and moving.

 

When he told someone "hey yeah I'm coming, I'm booking my flights" that was his decision. He is going with or without you.

 

Now clearly and rationally, even considering about moving out there with him is a bit nutty. Your only options are to end it or do ltr - which is very difficult for a well established exclusive couple. For you, well it may work out.

 

I know what I've just said will suck, but it's true. Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time of their lives and that's what this looks like.

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mrs rubble

He might be back in no time, the beer is awful in Australia and there's waaay to many flies.

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I think the biggest problem is his lack of commitment to the relationship. If they both wanted it badly enough, they could make it work - somehow!

 

You're right, the lack of commitment is the biggest problem - which is bleeding into all the other issues. I think part of the reason it isn't feasible for her to move is because she senses lack of commitment from him, which IMO is a perfectly reasonable decision. HE doesn't seem to want to make it work much, hence why I suggested to her that it might be best to just break things off. Since there is no purpose in her being the only person trying to make things work.

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CherryBlossom200

We are in an exclusive relationship, he made sure of that after a short amount of dating me. He has always been very eagar to make me 'his' and highly protective of me. But he fell in love with Australia when he was 21 and couldn't stay, so I'm sure that will override his love for me. Long distance wont work, he knows that. I'm 38 and want children, I don't have time to wait around for him to decide if he wants me or not.

 

We are meeting tomorrow. So I will know then. I am prepared to walk away if I don't hear what I want to hear, no more having his cake and eating it.

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LittleTiger
We are in an exclusive relationship, he made sure of that after a short amount of dating me. He has always been very eagar to make me 'his' and highly protective of me. But he fell in love with Australia when he was 21 and couldn't stay, so I'm sure that will override his love for me. Long distance wont work, he knows that. I'm 38 and want children, I don't have time to wait around for him to decide if he wants me or not.

 

We are meeting tomorrow. So I will know then. I am prepared to walk away if I don't hear what I want to hear, no more having his cake and eating it.

 

Good luck CherryBlossom. It seems he has to choose between you and Australia and, from what you've posted here, I don't rate your chances. :(

 

I'm in a LDR with a kiwi who works in Australia (I'm in the UK). We've been 'together' for over four and a half years. It works for us but I can understand your reluctance, especially if you want children fairly soon.

 

I hope he tells you what you want to hear and I'm sorry if he doesn't.

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CherryBlossom200

He knows if we were to have a LDR it wouldn't be a LDR for long. I don't have time on my side. What is he going to send his sperm to me in the post?!

 

I feel if he doesn't have strong enough feelings for me after 3 months then I can't see how that will change in a LDR. He isn't going to decide 'oh wow I want to marry her and I can't live without her' if he doesn't already know if I'm the one. I feel most people know when they have met the 'one' pretty early on. Just from speaking from people. I know some people take more time to develop their feelings, but still they should still know early one and be fighting for it. Instead he is the one expecting ME to spend invest in the relationship to fly over to see him, for something that may or may not work out. And if we do decide to try the LDR thing and we do get married (which aint going to happen!) then I still can't get over there. So I'm just wasting valuable time. It's a lose/lose situation. He doesn't love me enought (if at all) to risk losing his dream. So I have to face facts this won't work.

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Dating while looking for an LTR/settling down is about finding out whether you are compatible with someone, in my opinion you should have moved on after the 2nd date when he told you that there was no hope in hell. He is moving to another continent after all. You knew what was on the cards yet you stayed... 3 months is still not too late, it's a new 'relationship', best to move on before you get tangled much longer. I can't quite see the point of an LDR to be honest, it's not like your circumstances will change.

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He knows if we were to have a LDR it wouldn't be a LDR for long. I don't have time on my side. What is he going to send his sperm to me in the post?!

 

I feel if he doesn't have strong enough feelings for me after 3 months then I can't see how that will change in a LDR. He isn't going to decide 'oh wow I want to marry her and I can't live without her' if he doesn't already know if I'm the one. I feel most people know when they have met the 'one' pretty early on. Just from speaking from people. I know some people take more time to develop their feelings, but still they should still know early one and be fighting for it. Instead he is the one expecting ME to spend invest in the relationship to fly over to see him, for something that may or may not work out. And if we do decide to try the LDR thing and we do get married (which aint going to happen!) then I still can't get over there. So I'm just wasting valuable time. It's a lose/lose situation. He doesn't love me enought (if at all) to risk losing his dream. So I have to face facts this won't work.

 

Yes, the fact that you want children and are in your late thirties changes the game, a lot. To be fair, it isn't realistic to expect him to give up a dream he worked for for 17(?) years, for a relationship of a few months, regardless of his feelings for you (his corresponding statement would be, "If she loved me that much she'd understand and come with me"). And on the other hand, it is also unrealistic for him to expect you to give up your desire for children, to wait for him.

 

So, IMO the two of you just aren't compatible, nobody's fault. And if you want children urgently I feel you should stick to dating local men (who intend to stay local).

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Survivor12
I feel if he doesn't have strong enough feelings for me after 3 months then I can't see how that will change in a LDR. He isn't going to decide 'oh wow I want to marry her and I can't live without her' if he doesn't already know if I'm the one. I feel most people know when they have met the 'one' pretty early on. Just from speaking from people.

 

Just consider--hindsight is 20/20 & it's easy to rewrite history to "fit" the outcome.

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