Boyfriend work stress

[Rainbowx]

Posted this on another forum too because I'm really looking for constructive feedback on this.

 

Hi, sorry if this is long.

 

I've been with my boyfriend a little over six months, but long distance. I live in New Zealand, he lives in America.

We'd known each other for two years prior but met up when I was over there and fell for each other and decided to make it work. Then a month later I came back and saw him for 45 days and it was awesome.

 

Fast forward to now and we've been doing pretty well but we have our own individual problems. His for me was that he was worried that I wouldn't be working towards getting a job to work towards our future. I've since been working like crazy trying to find a job in the small area I live in, but there isn't much. I've started on a getting into work course and I'm getting the second part of my driver's license so I can get into full time work pretty much anywhere close enough to my town. At first he thought I wasn't doing anything due to perception, I didn't talk much about what I did to get into employment, and he 100% honestly thought I did nothing all the month of Feb when I'd been home again. He was wrong and I showed him my browser history to prove it that I did an insane amount of job searching. This was in April that it had happened and it hurt really bad that he admitted he hadn't trusted me to do that. I forgave him and moved on.

 

My issue was that he wasn't being verbally affectionate and that we just felt like good friends, something that is hard for him to do even over skype but there could be many reasons in a long distance relationship that he wasn't able to do that such as because he wasn't getting affection in the physical world blah blah.

 

Anyways onto the actual issue.

 

He had done something totally AWESOME! a couple of weeks ago and gotten a double promotion at work. He was an assistant manager and now I'm not sure what's above actual manager but he's been doing his training, for two positions promotion or something and that's a LOT of stress. I was very cool about it and the reduced time that we got to spend and I was being 100% supportive....however eventually his bad moods started to grind down on me. I talked to him about it and he started becoming more positive, then a few days later he asks me what's wrong and I said I needed more emotional affection. He didn't understand. He was already giving it, by being more positive and sometimes saying I'm pretty. That wasn't what I meant. I was feeling emotionally neglected after a week of him being moody and just because he's positive now doesn't make me feel loved. I was wrong to require that so soon, but I thought he was feeling better, not just trying.

 

Next couple of days he was really drained from work but he'd still always call me. His moods were real low but I'd still sometimes catch him looking at me and smiling. It was nice. He'd still make plans for us to do to spend time together. And he also said that he still wants to see us work out but he doesn't know how he's feeling at the moment and just needs time to process it all.

Then yesterday morning when he was getting ready for work he asked to call me, and I gave him what I felt was a much needed apology that I put way too many expectations on him given his situation and how I can handle this better, and that he was right that long distance is definitely a factor and that I just have to brave it out. He thanked me for my apology, and said it's okay but that it's also not okay, if you know what I mean. But so long as I learned a lesson from it for the future. Then he left for work, said he loves me and all that and that it's going to be a long day and he'll probably be home later, at X time. He was, but he said been a long day, need some alone time. I said ummm okay and never heard from him again that night. Next morning he didn't message me but I said to him hope things are going okay and that I love him, and then a while later: I understand if you don't want to talk to me but being left in the dark is really hard. I hope we can talk about everything soon. I want for both our minds to be at peace again and I really really miss us. He said we can talk later when I've been to sleep, but I'd just woken up because I took sleep meds to fix my sleep pattern. He didn't reply so I said

"I feel like a stupid moron for what I did and I'd do anything in the world to take it back. I'm just saying I've already slept so we can talk. But if not now I'd like to know when so I don't have to sit here waiting for a reply. I've only wanted to know if we're going to be fine or not. Please don't prolong my suffering. I'd do anything in the world to take your's away.

Please just give me a time so I don't have to stay on my computer?"

 

So he said much later this afternoon. I asked for a specific time and he never replied

So I said "And, I want to know if we're talking about you still wanting things to work or not. I feel like I've been left in the dark and since I have to wait just give me that, please don't prolong my pain. You've always thought that was wrong

just want to leave you alone right now but I need a time to come back that I'm confident we can talk and some kind of reassurance. That's it."

 

He never replied so I just left him alone. He's just under a lot of stress right now but due to fears of abandonment I'm scared that he'll think me and his promotions are too much of a burden. Am I just over reacting? Is he actually just fine with me and didn't reply because he didn't know what I was talking about? I'm not afraid of being alone, I just don't want to lose him. He's a high quality guy and this is the first really low point for us (caused by me.) I really appreciate you reading and I'm always looking for ways of self-improvement so please don't be too harsh.

[TAV]

Your post was long but not very concise so let me recap what I think I read in your post.

 

Your boyfriend is moving up in the world, you are unemployed and have been for a while. He has had doubts that you two were compatible in that aspect; that you lacked ambition.

 

He got a great promotion which demanded all his time and attention. Despite trying to be understanding you felt left out and neglected. Do you think some of his behaviour was on purpose? Do you think he thinks you do not understand what it means to hold such a responsible position? Does he show signs of being a workaholic? Is this the first time he has ignored you for work-related issues?

 

When he is stressed, can he tell you about that? Do you know how to make him relax/distract him in such circumstances? Or do you show no empathy and just expect things to be between you like the way they are when he is not under pressure?

 

He disapproved of your 'neediness' and made you feel that. Instead of assessing your own feelings and figuring out if you had been unreasonable you immediately jumped into the 'I'm sorry mode' (as far as I can read). That gave him power over you and hearing only your side of the story he seems to enjoy having that power over you; his behaviour shows a lack of respect.

 

I remember your other thread in which you talked about having abandonment issues. No matter if you were right or wrong, I think his behaviour, especially in view of your issues, is very cruel. This is not what a loving boyfriend does.

 

Even if he is no longer in love with you and does not see a future with you anymore he should be a man and own up to that and let you down gently. Ignoring you is immature and I think you deserve better.

 

Your boyfriend should know that being a manager also demands a certain level of seniority/maturity. If this is the way he handles his problems with his employees too than I predict he will not be much liked and won't know how to motivate people.

 

So OP, if I understood everything right, my advice is: Be less of a victim, demand from him to tell you the answers to the questions that you have. If he keeps ignoring you, you probably have your answer, he is not worth your love and time and you have to start working on dealing with your heartbreak and to get yourself to a better place.

 

And if he has a change of heart in a month or so, don't be waiting there like a faithful dog. If he wants you back he has to make a real effort. Nothing less.

[Rainbowx]

Thank you so much for your response. I'm not in the best state of mind so my answers may be limited. This is the first time he's done this. I thought he was going to his bat cave or something but usually he's more communicative.

 

He seemed very appreciative of my apology and it looked to be well-needed and he was totally worn down from work stress and then the emotional stress from me. I did a lot of research and learned that all his love to me was totally fine and that I need to fill my life with other things to feel good.

 

He was always pretty hard on me about the fact that I've been unemployed and I've applied to lots of things with barely any responses. On top of that I live in a small town which is pretty pointless if you want a future, so I'm getting my restricted (above learner's) license and buying a cheap but reliable car which expands the jobs I can apply to by 5-600% it feels like.

 

And yeah, this is totally unlike him to leave me hanging in the dark. Even after I first hurt him he still called me the next couple of days and still made plans for us to do all sorts of stuff. Still told me he loves me and all that. The morning I apologized he totally appreciated that and it seemed like it meant a lot to him and he told me he'd be late home from work that night. He was and then he messaged me that it was a long day and he needs some alone time. I respected that. Next morning he seemed quite avoidant, but said we could talk way later that afternoon. He was out with his mother for mother's day but never did come back. Now he is back and he's checked facebook (he only uses it on his phone to communicate with me) but I'd never said anything because I'm trying to give him the space he needs right now.

 

And yeah as a manager he knows that it's best to keep up communication with people and thinks leaving them hanging is wrong.

 

All I want to know is... I've really learned my lesson from this. I've learned how I can accommodate and support him better. I know what I did wrong and I've been so sorry and owned my mistake... we've never been like this before... will he bounce back and give me a chance to make things right?

[Rainbowx]

I was very accommodating of his work stress the first week, then it dragged down on me. I told him that and he tried to be more upbeat for me, but my love tank was already so empty. A few days later I told him this and that's how this whole thing started.

 

I know it's unfair. I know I made a mistake. I should have been better still to him and waited until the stress of learning a new position was over instead of placing that sort of pressure on him. I can try and find fulfillment some place else without putting stress on him. He loved it when I came home and I was happy and upbeat. When I put that stress on him he felt like nothing he does for me is good enough. I've learned that it is, that I just don't know how to receive love properly as I've been hurt so bad. I can learn how to re-direct it and be there for him better but I need him to give me the chance to do so.

 

I didn't apologize to him until after two days when I had thought long and hard about it and figured that the problem wasn't him, it was me. I owned my mistake to him. He thanked me and said it's okay (but not okay at the same time) but so long as I learn from my mistakes that it's okay. He'd said he loves me and he wants to see this work. And then the next day he goes and pulls away. I respected that. I just want to know if this is normal and that he'll snap back to me like a rubber band because he is a good guy. I've never seen him enjoying power or anything but it could be something I just don't know about him yet. I hope this is not the case but if it turns out to be I can be realistic.

 

Anyway we all make mistakes and I accept that he is human and not infallible as well. He's hurt me just as bad in the past and it made me reconsider things for a little while too. I just hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me.

[Rainbowx]

Also

Is this the first time he has ignored you for work-related issues?

Yes.

 

 

Damn message too short have to add letters lol

[Els]

All I want to know is... I've really learned my lesson from this. I've learned how I can accommodate and support him better. I know what I did wrong and I've been so sorry and owned my mistake... we've never been like this before... will he bounce back and give me a chance to make things right?

 

Frankly, I don't think you did anything so very terrible (it just seems to me to be a case of miscommunication, which is very common in LDRs and isn't necessarily just one person's fault). But responding solely to the bolded question...

 

IMO, it works both ways: If you've done everything that you can on your side to fix things... well. If he 'gives you a chance', great, you two can move forward as a couple from that. If he doesn't and jumps ship this easily, then there isn't much lost to begin with, because it means it probably wasn't meant to be.

 

May I ask what your plans are for closing the distance? You plan to find full-time work in a town nearby once you get your license. He just received a promotion, so presumably won't be planning to leave anytime in the near future. What does this bode for the two of you?

[Rainbowx]

I'm getting a job so save a bit more so I can move to America on a student visa and I plan on studying to be a vet!

He couldn't wait for me to move in =[ like he was really excited

[Rainbowx]

Also it may be noteworthy that we've both been inseparable since we fell for each other. Always spending our time together on skype. This is a totally new thing.

[Els]

I'm getting a job so save a bit more so I can move to America on a student visa and I plan on studying to be a vet!

He couldn't wait for me to move in =[ like he was really excited

 

Has he visited you before, or offered to do anything on his part for your relationship/closing the distance?

 

Sorry if my response seems harsh, but the way I'm reading this, you're doing all the legwork, and he seems to complain and talk to you when it's convenient to him (this might not be the case, but that's how your posts read to me). You visited him twice. You're going to move to him. You tried to be supportive but he ignores you. He complains about your unemployment even though you live in a small town and he isn't paying for anything for you. He doesn't give you the emotional support you need.

 

Am I mistaken in any of this? What does he do for you? I truly mean no offense, just worried for you. Who will pay your international tuition fees when you move to the USA? (they are usually 4-5x more expensive than domestic fees, you won't qualify for loans/allowance, and scholarships for Bachelors degrees are scarce)

[Rainbowx]

Has he visited you before, or offered to do anything on his part for your relationship/closing the distance?

 

Sorry if my response seems harsh, but the way I'm reading this, you're doing all the legwork, and he seems to complain and talk to you when it's convenient to him (this might not be the case, but that's how your posts read to me). You visited him twice. You're going to move to him. You tried to be supportive but he ignores you. He complains about your unemployment even though you live in a small town and he isn't paying for anything for you. He doesn't give you the emotional support you need.

 

Am I mistaken in any of this? What does he do for you? I truly mean no offense, just worried for you. Who will pay your international tuition fees when you move to the USA? (they are usually 4-5x more expensive than domestic fees, you won't qualify for loans/allowance, and scholarships for Bachelors degrees are scarce)

 

He paid for my ticket to go see him the second time. He tried to look for a new better paying job recently so that he'd have more money for our future. He was going to support me fully when I lived there and all I need to do is save up for tuition.

 

I told him he doesn't give me emotional support when I've been struggling through all this (with a history of depression and anxiety the progress I've made forcing my life forward would be considered phenomenal). He was upset thinking he does support me. He gives me the go ahead for most things and tells me when he thinks a certain job may be a bad fit. But what I needed from him was for him to act more compassionate and loving about this whole thing. That's all I wanted. Problem is some days I didn't get anything done and that made HIM feel unloved. We think acts of service may be his love language. He recently read the 5 love languages book for me and was about to do men are from mars too.

 

So ya he was negative because in his perceptions I wasn't doing anything, especially in February. When were were talking about it in April he called me out and said I stand by my perception 100% that you did nothing in February. So I showed him my screen on skype and he got to see the 600 links of job search/application history from my firefox browser. He was very sorry from that point but it hurt me so badly that he didn't trust me that I was reconsidering our relationship myself. I chose to forgive him and carry on.

 

Also the future was a little blurred for us at the moment. He wanted more money so he could come visit me so he was looking for a better paying job but instead he got these promotions, which I did not handle well.

 

He's always been there for me when I needed him. Sometimes not perfect because he wants to fix things and not listen and be compassionate but he was there. And I understand and can see all the love he's given me in his own way. And this is the first time his communication has ever slipped and he's done this to me. I can accept that he's human and is caving from stress and I just hope he comes back to me and that this was just a rubber band man bat cave withdrawal

 

Also he talks to me every time he gets home from work and before he goes to work if I'm up. He spends all his time with me. If he's late or got caught up in something when he spends time with other people for a day he will always let me know and keep me informed. He's a really good guy.

Edited May 11, 2014 by Rainbowx

[Els]

Ah, okay, thanks for clarifying. In that case, I think, we're back to the suggestion that you can both forgive each other for your slip-ups, and if this R is as important to you as it is to him, he can work together with you to improve communication in the future, yes?

[Rainbowx]

Yeah, we've always been incredible with communication and our problem resolution always blew us away.

 

So it's likely he's stressed and just pulling away for a bit? I really want to show him that I can be far better about all this moving forward and that I was wrong (legit wrong not just trying to keep the peace. Thought long and hard about it)

 

Thank you for your help I really appreciate it. Time to show the same appreciation to him! And I shall keep updated.

[Els]

I can't tell you why he's pulling away, I don't think anyone can with certainty except him.

 

What I can say is that if you're trying your best to work on your abandonment issues and he cares about this R as much as you do, he'll come back around and work on this with you. IMO your 'mistake' was pretty minor and involved miscommunication on both sides (though I fully support you working on your self-improvement). So stop contacting him, and see if he comes back around. If he does, great, you can work on it together. If he doesn't, he was never worth it.

[Frank2thepoint]

Now he is back and he's checked facebook (he only uses it on his phone to communicate with me) but I'd never said anything because I'm trying to give him the space he needs right now.

 

There is no greater amount of space you can provide than a long distance relationship.

 

 

All I want to know is... I've really learned my lesson from this. I've learned how I can accommodate and support him better. I know what I did wrong and I've been so sorry and owned my mistake... we've never been like this before... will he bounce back and give me a chance to make things right?

 

I just want to chime in and say you haven't done anything wrong. You did not insult him, he did not belittle him. You want him to give more emotional reassurance over Skype because of the distance. There is nothing wrong with this, because you two are physically not together. Do you know if your read some of the other posters on here, that have a similar problem with their significant other/spouse such as you have, from the stress, neglect, lack of emotion, and they happen to live within the same city (or live together in case of spouse)? Knowing that, hopefully your pain is eased a bit that physical distance is not such a daunting obstacle for intimacy.

[HeavenOrHell]

You can still need emotional space in an LDR at times.

 

 

 

There is no greater amount of space you can provide than a long distance relationship.

 

 

 

 

I just want to chime in and say you haven't done anything wrong. You did not insult him, he did not belittle him. You want him to give more emotional reassurance over Skype because of the distance. There is nothing wrong with this, because you two are physically not together. Do you know if your read some of the other posters on here, that have a similar problem with their significant other/spouse such as you have, from the stress, neglect, lack of emotion, and they happen to live within the same city (or live together in case of spouse)? Knowing that, hopefully your pain is eased a bit that physical distance is not such a daunting obstacle for intimacy.

[FitChick]

How do you know any veterinary school will accept you? Is there one near where he lives?

[Els]

How are you doing today, OP? Has he touched base?

[Rainbowx]

He is willing to move close to any school that I get accepted into.

[Rainbowx]

How are you doing today, OP? Has he touched base?

 

Thanks for asking =] Yes he has. He was so hurt that several things about me that bothered him caused him to break up with me, and then after further discussion and me opening up about all these things that I'd posted on here, he decided he needed another day to think about things. That night when he got home from work he called me and now we're un-broken up. We're both still hurting and tender over the whole thing and our love tanks are beyond depleted, but I want to see us pull through.

 

The one thing weighing on me is that he wants me to get a job so quickly that it will be a dealbreaker if I don't. Or at least not sit around the house all day waiting for phonecalls and appointments. Me doing nothing all day really bothers him, like it's his one achilles' heel in the relationship I'd say. Me hurting him probably amplified all this. He's never felt this pain before. It's literally his first time at the age of 31.

So I'ma be completely relentless now about getting a job and removing any barriers to employment (I already felt I was but I think I was only working 70% instead of 100%, he wants me to work 110% I think because if I don't it prolongs us being together and makes the relationship unrealistic the longer it takes) the only thing that's really hurting me now is that I have ~a month to do it. Makes the relationship feel somewhat conditional so it really bothers me. I think once his pain has subsided he'll lax up on it while he can see that I'm doing my 129837129837% absolute best. I love him but I'm not going to be a doormat, if there's no jobs here for me then that isn't on me.

 

Also there's a reason for his working expectations and that is his mother; he was raised and made to feel like what he was doing is never good enough and that she always had unrealistic expectations of his work progress. I think this is being projected onto me through his pain right now. He never really had 100% faith in me to put in all the effort and so if anything ever got put off even one day it made him feel unloved and makes things hard. I want to talk to him about this once we start to feel better. Is this a good idea? It may sound like a big problem but he is an awesome fair down to earth reasonable guy with 394857238746 other positive qualities that I could list and if this is his one problem we can work through then I'm willing to give him 200%, because I have my own issues to deal with too and he's always been respectful of those, I just fell off the road when he was coping badly under new position stress and I'm learning to be accommodating and if it gets hard I can just vent to a good friend who is really down to earth and keeps me in line and is batting for the both of us. That and I need to love myself more outside the relationship... I'm just KO right now from negative oxytocin overload to my system (I'm a high sensitive person) so I just need to rest for a couple of days because it hit me hard (I've never had a break up that actually ended in reconciliation, much less in the same 12 hours) and I hope he'll forgive me for resting a few days when that can't happen if you're in the workplace

 

I have 5000000 other things to say on this matter but I think I've talked too much, thanks for your interest and if you have any advice on the matters I just listed I'd be more than happy to hear from you. Thank you very much =]

[Els]

Well, glad to hear he's contacted you and you two seem to be working things out. A few thoughts, if I may:

 

1) Yes, I do think it would be a good idea, for your own sake, to put more effort into the employment issue, but

2) Yes, his 'ultimatum' of a month really does sound rather controlling to me, especially given that he isn't even supporting you financially

3) I think you need to stop second guessing yourself and worrying about saying the wrong thing, and go for it. So yes, if it bothers you, talk to him.

[Rainbowx]

It was an ultimatum that I made, I was just like give me a month, I'll show you that I can at least get something done in that time because I was so close. I just talked to him about it today and he did say that he accepted the offer because I gave that tight ultimatum, and he understands why I'd feel sick and like it's conditional but I can also see that other side that if I didn't have a job soon that the relationship would just be a fantasy because it would be so drawn out.

 

He feels weird about helping me with finances because it's my responsibility to take care of myself on the other side of the world, and my education is my own responsibility too, so that's totally fair enough. When I move there I'm getting a full ride financially and he's going to take care of me until I've finished school. If I can get a full time job it will take less than a year to save up the money I need because I don't pay rent at home.

 

So yeah I'd like to just be able to see from both sides better and not feel like our love is not authentic before I achieve this goal. So I need to find that mindset.

[Els]

I'm not saying he's obligated to help you with your finances; I was saying it seems controlling of him to tell you you have a month to find employment, if he isn't the one funding your unemployment. But now you have clarified that you gave yourself (?!) that ultimatum, I suppose the point is moot.

 

I really hope things work out for you two (and that you manage to find a job), but I want to reiterate that I think you blame yourself too much. Be more confident in yourself and assert your own needs as well.

[Rainbowx]

I feel starved so badly for emotional affection right now. He spends his nights with me on skype again now but he's been really into this video game which makes him feel good playing, so he's kind of in his cave since it's the second night back together and I'm trying not to bug him. Is this normal?

 

I feel so disconnected and my head is mush right now from extreme stress over it yesterday, and he said his head is mush too, but we did miss each other today. So this should improve gradually (time heals all wounds?)

Edited May 13, 2014 by Rainbowx

[Frank2thepoint]

I feel starved so badly for emotional affection right now. He spends his nights with me on skype again now but he's been really into this video game which makes him feel good playing, so he's kind of in his cave since it's the second night back together and I'm trying not to bug him. Is this normal?

 

A guy playing a videogame (or indulging in any hobby) is normal. It's his way of dealing with stress, to disconnect, and not think. But what's not normal is he is being an escapist, not providing the emotional support you want (and rightfully needed in any relationship). Leave him alone for a little while, for a couple of days at most, then revisit your needs with him. Talk to him on how both of you can work on being more emotionally expressive. Ask him to try some exercises with you. Try to turn it into a game, which will make it fun for him.

[Rainbowx]

Today I've spoken to him about my ideas for making this work, including coming to see him in a month's time, but right now the answer is no. He still doesn't feel good about things and needs time to feel better. I've been trying to be warm and nice to him to make things get better but he's still cold. The wound is still fresh. I don't know what else I can do to make it better and I don't want to push emotions onto him right now because he may not take it too well? I'm holding everything in so bad and smiling and trying to be happy but it's so hard.

 

Since this is his first relationship and he's been hurt by women in the past he has these standards which I met all of except not being employed. And then I hurt him and I think that amplifies it all. He doesn't know how to deal with this type of hurt and he's never been in love. He definitely loves me or he'd be long gone by now.

 

I asked him what he needs me to do to make things right and he says he doesn't know. So should I just give him a couple of days space to feel better and miss me? He did miss me yesterday but I mean like really miss me haha.