How do you know someone is genuine?

[espinoza0]

I am in a long distance relationship, and I am from the Persian Gulf, so is my lover. We met online and later in real life. We had been online for close to a month, and the last two weeks were daily almost 24 hour connection, he would wake me up, we'd go to sleep at the same time, and he even helped me through my first public lecture (I am a university teacher). I am 37, he is 28. He was completely supportive, I really never met anyone like him. I like a guy who is physical (he is a navy officer). Everyone else I had known were intellectual and very lazy, so to speak. I like a guy with whom I can go for a vigorous swim, or a boat ride, etc. I love the sea. He was posted on an island, so it was so romantic to talk to him from there as well, I mean, extra bonuses like that with someone this good, my oh my. And he loved fishing. Awesome. We talked about moving to a country we both like, and marriage down the line. I am a very rational girl, so I thought things were moving too fast, but it felt right. He was extremely supportive and so very sexy, and really grown up for his age.

 

I had written about this in the Dating post: that we met in a neutral country, because I cancelled his trip to my country where public display of affection is banned, even hugging. We spent 3 great days together. It was sublime. He has his intellectual side as well, which made him just so irresistible. He had told me someone committed fraud against him, and he is in a very big debt because of it. After we got back, we contacted each other for a day or two, then he disappeared for two weeks.

 

Then I fished him out of the sea, so to speak, we talked for four hours for a day, and said hi the next morning, and now he is gone again 10 days, and his phone is off, though his bbm is still delivering messages (at some point they weren't either).

 

How do I know if this guy is genuine? Honestly, we are in a very weird part of the world (very retarded socially) and he is considered in my eyes a great "catch" if you will. He is very accomplished in his job, and you can hardly call him superficial--a quality I cannot tolerate. As I said before, I even asked him that we should both stay in separate rooms, and he did what I asked him to do. He wanted to come to my home country, to visit me, and it was me who changed the plan last minute when I found out about our police pda restrictions applied everywhere (sick).

 

Should I be patient with him? At least not starting to resent him, or thinking that he took advantage of me?

 

I mean he paid for many expenses on that trip, including his room (which he ended up not using, lol, but it was by mutual agreement that he stayed in my room), he paid for car rental, plane ticket of course, meals, all of that.

 

Thoughts? Thanks.

Edited May 3, 2014 by espinoza0

[emi]

I dont know you but honestly i cant stay in a relationship where my partner can dissapear for 2 weeks, 10 days as he likes and popped up as nothing happen. I think this guy got some problem which you may not know for sure, what if hes married???

[Solcita2]

What does he say when you get in touch again after those 10 days away?

 

I'm concerned about the debt also...

[justwhoiam]

How do I know if this guy is genuine?

It's very simple: ask him to introduce you to his parents. If he starts making excuses, then it means you won't be welcome in his family, hence probably not someone who he would consider for marriage. Probably because of your age.

 

Should I be patient with him?

Regarding what? Did you ask him why you don't hear from him for 10 days in a row? Maybe they have restrictions if he's on a ship during some operations. But I guess he could text a line or something every day or at least a couple of times a week.

 

At least not starting to resent him, or thinking that he took advantage of me?

Did you have sex with this man? I think that was not wise to do. Because there's nothing official yet. And I'm not sure he's taking you seriously.

[TAV]

I hope he is genuine and just flaky. Something you should not accept.

 

But... The debt story could be leading up to something else. He might be winning your trust, also with meeting all your demands, paying for stuff. Trust that he can use later on to ask you a favour. There are elaborate scams going on like that. By organised groups. The fact that he is perfect both intellectually and physical seems too good to be true. Another thing that raised my eyebrows.

 

I'm a romantic at heart and I do believe in true love but like you I'm a clever mature woman and I would try fo find some proof to back up your man's stories. It's common sense.

 

After all, we don't live in a fairytale.

[FitChick]

Is he a US service man?

[soccerrprp]

You don't know this guy from BOB. You've only met once (?) and what you do know of him is from electronic emails, texting (?), etc. He disappeared for weeks/days and that's not a RED flag?

 

Good question...is he a US serviceman?

 

All of these things he likes to do? You saw him do them? You know for certain that he is a serviceman? How?

 

Right now, I hardly consider this guy a catch. There are too many unclear things going on. Is there a way to confirm his identity? FB or do some online research on him? Ugh, it's so crappy to have to resort to such things, but now days, it seems necessary.

Edited May 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[espinoza0]

Soccerprp:

 

We rented a car together, which he paid for, and he kept the receipt with me. He is not American. He is in the navy.

 

So from the receipt I know his driver's license number and birthday. You see, everything was normal and trustworthy about him. No fishy business.

 

I think he is one of those people who absolutely hates it when his life goes bad, and cannot deal with it by communicating. Imagine owing all your salary for this debt (due to a fraud) for the next couple of years. That really sucks. I am not in that situation, so I wouldn't know how it feels. Pretty bad I think.

 

I think it is fine to be cautious, but sometimes we become too oversuspicious with the one we care about.

 

I am trying to reach him, but I have calmed down quite a bit by now. I actually don't want to move on right now and hurt him if he comes back with a legitimate excuse.

 

We are from an Arabian culture where introducing me to his parents is a problem because we are not from the same sect. We wanted to get married despite them. We talked of marriage. We definitely had a relationship going. As I might have mentioned, he helped me with my first public speaking lecture. And he paid for a lot of the expenses on our trip.

 

Honest man.

Just in trouble.

But I cannot wait for ever

[espinoza0]

The fraud committed against him was pretty bad. I cannot tell the details, but things like this happen in our side of the world because of loose restrictions on business transactions, and he was trying to do business. His dream was to retire at age 30. I think he went in too fast.

 

He is from a well to do family, and they helped a bit with the debt.

[justwhoiam]

We are from an Arabian culture where introducing me to his parents is a problem because we are not from the same sect.

...

Just in trouble.

Yes, big trouble. For you. I'm not sure what you are expecting out of this, but it looks like it's more the result of your daydreaming than reality.

[espinoza0]

justwhoIam: we have difficulty in inter-sect marriage in all 6 states of this area. It is nothing unusual, and he tried to go against it once with an earlier love interest: both families refused. From my side, my family won't refuse, so he was planning that we would both live away from his family, in another state.

It's an extremely complicated set of values and challenges we have to deal with here.

[littleplanet]

justwhoIam: we have difficulty in inter-sect marriage in all 6 states of this area. It is nothing unusual, and he tried to go against it once with an earlier love interest: both families refused. From my side, my family won't refuse, so he was planning that we would both live away from his family, in another state.

It's an extremely complicated set of values and challenges we have to deal with here.

 

 

Ha. I had a feeling about this, from your first post.

[posted on an island] - does his work / duties cause him to have to put things on hold from time to time? This would explain a lot.

 

I understand (a bit) the complicated set of values that come into play here.

I live in a very cosmopolitan city (one of the most variable on the planet.) It happens all the time.

 

I see no reason to automatically assume he is not genuine. Time will prove that, one way or another. You're not a silly schoolgirl. You're a university professor.

 

If you two click the way you describe - I'd say he's worth a bit of patience.

You can follow your own gut feelings on that one.

 

Things are not so very 'simple' in your part of the world, are they?

If within your society / families / social circles and protocols - you are seen as going against the grain - then you know best which steps to take - and what is possible.

 

I'd say if you truly are serious about this man - he needs to understand your concerns. They are completely legitimate, and understandable.

You simply need to know the true reasons for his non-contact.

He may have excellent reasons. Who knows?

 

So hold him to the truth.

(And remember.....he is going against the grain, too.) That could be a very big deal for him.

 

Best of luck on this one.