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Great relationship, but should I end it?


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My girlfriend from abroad is staying with me for 4 or 5 months until the end of summer. We live on opposite sides of Europe normally.

 

She is 20, when she goes home again at the end of the summer her parents expect her to go to university to study, for 5 years. In 1 year, next summer, her parents expect her to travel to some other country with her younger brother for the whole summer. There is even talk of her going around the world with her younger brother, she used to say she wanted to do this, and so it's what her parents want her to do now.

 

I don't think our relationship will be possible when she goes to university for 5 years, and with the other plans too, we will have no time to see each other. I've already talked this over with her, she wants to stay in the relationship even if she goes to university and will hardly see me.

 

I have doubts that it can work. I explained it to her that it's not normal to stay in a relationship, so far apart, and not see each other for 1 or 2 or more years at a time. What if we waited a year, or 4 years, and then something happened and we split up, years of life wasted for nothing. I realize this goes both ways, but that doesn't make it any better, and it's me waiting for her, not the other way around.

 

She is in love with me, she doesn't want to lose me. After we discussed this, she was ready to forget about going to university and stay with me in my country, she told me all her plans from before to go around the world she made ages ago, since she met me she has just stopped planning her life so much because she realized anything can happen to change those plans.

 

But there's a problem, just before we departed from her country to go back to mine, her parents had a word with her, they told her she is too young for a serious relationship and they don't want her to settle down yet, knowing that I am 29 with my own house and am capable of giving this option to her. I'm her third relationship, the last one was a year long. They expect her to come back home at the end of summer, and go to university, and travel to some other country next summer with her brother and they would like her to see the world with her younger brother.

 

So now I don't know what to do. This girl likes me a lot, and I think she really wants to be with me, I know that's the case, that's what she really wants now. She doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose her either but I don't know what to do now and I find it hard to allow myself to think there will be a future for us considering all of this. Her parents like me, they want us to stay together too apparently.

 

I just don't see how it can work with all what is planned for her, if we never see each other, for years, it's not a relationship, not even if we pretend to call it one. I know this is hard for her because she wants to please her parents and she wants to stay with me, it looks like she can't do both and I'd feel bad about upsetting her parents if she decided to stay. Sometimes I wonder if I should just end the relationship and let her go, it will not be easy for me to do and it will hurt her a lot but I don't know what else to do.

Edited by cm00
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ExpatInItaly

I think you know in your heart what you need to do, OP.

 

I say that because reading your post, you sound very logical and realistic yet not entirely committed to the relationship either. I think you have every reason to be doubtful. It's obvious you care a great deal for her but you're also looking at the bigger picture. You know the great strains the next few years will place on the relationship. It will be very difficult to meet each other's needs in this scenario, I think.

 

Also, while 20 and 29 is not such a huge gap biologically-speaking, you two are in very different stages of your life. You're established, a home-owner, etc. She, on the other hand, is just about to enter some of the most formative years of her life. Studying and socializing and discovering herself will surely occupy a huge proportion of her time, and transform her in many ways.

 

Maybe I'm cynical, but I tend to agree with you when you question how this relationship can realistically survive right now. How long have you been together, by the way?

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I think you know in your heart what you need to do, OP.

 

I say that because reading your post, you sound very logical and realistic yet not entirely committed to the relationship either. I think you have every reason to be doubtful. It's obvious you care a great deal for her but you're also looking at the bigger picture. You know the great strains the next few years will place on the relationship. It will be very difficult to meet each other's needs in this scenario, I think.

 

Also, while 20 and 29 is not such a huge gap biologically-speaking, you two are in very different stages of your life. You're established, a home-owner, etc. She, on the other hand, is just about to enter some of the most formative years of her life. Studying and socializing and discovering herself will surely occupy a huge proportion of her time, and transform her in many ways.

 

Maybe I'm cynical, but I tend to agree with you when you question how this relationship can realistically survive right now. How long have you been together, by the way?

 

 

 

We've been together for half a year. We have just over 4 months together now in my house for the summer and then she is due to return to her country and go to university there. I've tried discussing this with her a few times but she gets a bit quiet, she said she is confused about what to do and then she cries. I understand her position, she really wants to be with me, but she also doesn't want to disappoint her family and she will if she stays with me.

 

 

I've never asked her to stay, I couldn't put such pressure on her, I've only talked about what will happen when she goes back home. She wants to go home, go to university, stay in the relationship with me and have me to come back to me when she finishes. I've told her it's not realistic and I don't want to end our relationship either but it's not realistic to think our relationship will last through this.

Edited by cm00
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Frank2thepoint

My advice, enjoy the last few months together. Talk to her about this ahead of time so you're not dumping her when she leaves. Her getting an education is important, and she is still very young. I understand you care about her and don't want to lose her, but you need to exercise some adult responsibility; let her go when she leaves. Don't be selfish and ruin her education and young life to experience the world. If in a few years when she is done with university, and both of you are single, you'll find each other.

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My advice, enjoy the last few months together. Talk to her about this ahead of time so you're not dumping her when she leaves. Her getting an education is important, and she is still very young. I understand you care about her and don't want to lose her, but you need to exercise some adult responsibility; let her go when she leaves. Don't be selfish and ruin her education and young life to experience the world. If in a few years when she is done with university, and both of you are single, you'll find each other.

 

 

 

I don't want to be selfish. She'll be at university for 5 years, it's not realistic to think we'll both still be single and get back together. She might be single, but I am 29 and will have had more relationships and perhaps even started a family by then, I think it will be too late for her and I.

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Frank2thepoint
but I am 29 and will have had more relationships and perhaps even started a family by then, I think it will be too late for her and I.

 

Exactly. And in five years she'll be 25, she'll just be starting her career. Both of you can look back then that you had a good relationship.

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I am still not sure of what to do. Here's what I am thinking and some more information about our situation.

 

On one half of things, you can consider it important that she go to univerisity as it will help her in life. But this is not something that my parents agree with. My parents did not go to university, I did not go, nor my brother and sister. Yet we've all done very well for ourselves. So many people go to university in these times, I have read that for many it is meaningless because they end up doing some unrelated job. Then we get to the country she is from, it's not a great place to be, compared to the country I am from, many from her part want to come here to work and live, I will explain that in a moment.

 

Just as going to university is an opportunity, meeting me was/is also an opportunity. I am still young and to already have a house with no mortgage means a realistic opportunity of her having a very good life with me. Her parents have a house between them that is worth half as much as mine and they are still paying the mortgage off and struggling with bills. If I sold my house and moved to her country, I could afford to buy 5 or 6 fairly large houses there.

 

Obviously it's not all about money but the fact remains for her to be with me or someone in my position is an opportunity she will most likely not get again. I don't know if I have mentioned this but I live in England and she lives in eastern Europe. The wages are several times higher in my country than in hers. That's how we met, she was working for the summer in my country to earn money because she could earn in a week in England what would take two months to earn in her country, that's if she can even get a job in her country at all, she says there is no work there.

 

She could go to university and even if it all goes well she will still likely be far worse off than if she had kept her relationship with me.

 

Having read all the new information I have given what do you think now?

 

Something else I will add, assuming that she does go to university, should I really split up with her? There is a chance a long distance relationship can work providing we find time to see each other. We've already done long distance once, for 6 months, before I thought it wouldn't work, but when it came to it, we skyped every day, it was easy to handle.

Edited by cm00
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Not sure if this has been answered already: Can she study in the UK instead? I'm sure for someone with her background that is a great opportunity in itself, if you can both make it happen? And even if you and her don't work out it will still let her advance in life.

 

I'm sure you do not want her to give up on her dreams because you are such a great catch? This will lead to resentment later on in life. I also like to think that you love her enough to let her fulfill her own goals in life, even if that means you are not included.

 

I also understand that at the age of 20 your gf is still very much under the influence of her parents and finds it much harder than you to stand up to them and stand up for what is right for her.

 

I think you role in all this is to be as diplomatic as you can be since you want yourself to be an option for her but not her only option.

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soccerrprp

Let her go. A LDR will not work under these circumstances. As others have stated, you two are in very different stages in your lives. Frankly, I also agree with her parents.

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Frank2thepoint

You can't make the decision or coerce her to not go to university. You are partially correct that higher education does not guarantee good employment, but it does improve chances of having one. The only thing you can do as a boyfriend is be supportive of her decision. She needs to decide what to do, but since she is young, you should support her on attending school. Just because you and your immediately family members did not attend/complete university, does not mean she doesn't need to. Since you have revealed that you are financially stable, maybe you two don't have to break up, but continue having a long distance relationship if both of you agree on this and are willing to work on it. If yes, then both of you can visit each other during her breaks, such as spring, summer, and winter.

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melodymatters

Can she go to university in England ? That seems the most obvious solution to me so what am I overlooking ?

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Looking at the possibility of her going to university in England but it might be too late in the year for that this year, not sure.

 

She mentioned it to her mother once before and she didn't support the idea. The university she has chosen is close to home in Slovakia and this means she can spend weekends at home with her parents. From what I have seen, as well as what I've heard about her mother has said to her, she doesn't want her daughter to leave home, she said she is too young to go yet.

 

Although her mother did tell her she has to leave Slovakia and live somewhere else, because the economic situation there is rubbish, poor job prospects, low wages, she wants her to live in a better country. I was happy that her mother wants what's best for her. But find it strange that she doesn't want her to go to a university in England, it would be better for her than going to a university in Slovakia and it would help her keep her relationship with me. That is something I don't understand about it, if she wants what's best for her, why not study in England?

 

Any thoughts? I figure her mother just isn't ready to see her daughter move away yet. She wants her close to home and to come home every week, and that is only possible if she goes to this university that is close to home.

Edited by cm00
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Looking at the possibility of her going to university in England but it might be too late in the year for that this year, not sure.

 

She mentioned it to her mother once before and she didn't support the idea. The university she has chosen is close to home in Slovakia and this means she can spend weekends at home with her parents. From what I have seen, as well as what I've heard about her mother has said to her, she doesn't want her daughter to leave home, she said she is too young to go yet.

 

Although her mother did tell her she has to leave Slovakia and live somewhere else, because the economic situation there is rubbish, poor job prospects, low wages, she wants her to live in a better country. I was happy that her mother wants what's best for her. But find it strange that she doesn't want her to go to a university in England, it would be better for her than going to a university in Slovakia and it would help her keep her relationship with me. That is something I don't understand about it, if she wants what's best for her, why not study in England?

 

Any thoughts? I figure her mother just isn't ready to see her daughter move away yet. She wants her close to home and to come home every week, and that is only possible if she goes to this university that is close to home.

 

I'm a mother myself and the thought of being apart from my children for too long a period at a time is a daunting one. On the other hand I am raising them to be able to look after themselves when they are 18; I think that is your job as a parent. Children are to have not to hold.

 

I was 19 when I went to study in France for a year and I learnt a lot from that experience. It does not look too bad on my resume either; during any job interview I had since then I got a positive feedback regarding my study abroad.

 

So I would not deny that experience from my children but yes, I can understand the mother is scared.

 

What is your relationship with her parents like? Do they know you well enough to know that you will look after her and inform them if she is not doing well etc.?

 

Key in all this is your girlfriend's attitude. If this is really what she wants she has to fight for it. It could also be that she is using the mother as an excuse so she does not have to tell you that living/studying abroad is too daunting on her (and not only her mother) and that she is not ready for such a step. The reason why she is not telling you that in so many words is because she is afraid of losing you.

 

P.S. If your gf is ready for the move then both figure out how often she could come home to visit her parents and present this plan including the visits to the parents. It may reassure them if they know they will not see her only a few times in 5 yrs.

Edited by TAV
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I'm a mother myself and the thought of being apart from my children for too long a period at a time is a daunting one. On the other hand I am raising them to be able to look after themselves when they are 18; I think that is your job as a parent. Children are to have not to hold.

 

I was 19 when I went to study in France for a year and I learnt a lot from that experience. It does not look too bad on my resume either; during any job interview I had since then I got a positive feedback regarding my study abroad.

 

So I would not deny that experience from my children but yes, I can understand the mother is scared.

 

What is your relationship with her parents like? Do they know you well enough to know that you will look after her and inform them if she is not doing well etc.?

 

Key in all this is your girlfriend's attitude. If this is really what she wants she has to fight for it. It could also be that she is using the mother as an excuse so she does not have to tell you that living/studying abroad is too daunting on her (and not only her mother) and that she is not ready for such a step. The reason why she is not telling you that in so many words is because she is afraid of losing you.

 

P.S. If your gf is ready for the move then both figure out how often she could come home to visit her parents and present this plan including the visits to the parents. It may reassure them if they know they will not see her only a few times in 5 yrs.

 

She said something about this to me already, her mother knows she will leave Slovakia at some point. She made her promise that she will come home at least every Christmas, so that's already planned I suppose for when she moves away.

 

Her parents did say something to me while I stayed with them. They told me that in Slovakia and their family will always be a close family and they don't just send their children away when they are an adult to fend for themselves "not like they do in the UK and America" they said. I don't know what to make of that, don't know if they are trying to hold onto her. They have two younger sons as well, but their daughter is the oldest.

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She said something about this to me already, her mother knows she will leave Slovakia at some point. She made her promise that she will come home at least every Christmas, so that's already planned I suppose for when she moves away.

 

Her parents did say something to me while I stayed with them. They told me that in Slovakia and their family will always be a close family and they don't just send their children away when they are an adult to fend for themselves "not like they do in the UK and America" they said. I don't know what to make of that, don't know if they are trying to hold onto her. They have two younger sons as well, but their daughter is the oldest.

 

That remark sounds to me like a passive way to criticize your own upbringing and your views on life.

 

I'm not saying I agree with the mother but I can understand that is a big reason why they don't feel comfortable leaving her in your 'care'.

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