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Should I? Moving overseas for a relationship?


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Hi All.

 

 

Never thought I would be attempting to get life advice from an online forum but realised that I needed some advice from people who are not invested in my decision and can provide logical opinions.

 

 

Some background..am 23, living in Melbourne AUS and have secured myself an amazing job in a large global organisation. I have studied and only been working for 18 months and ideally not ready to leave. In the background I have been dating an American for over 3 years long distance. It has not been easy but he is a great guy so it has been worth the money and at times, the loneliness. My now fiancé has 2 children to an ex wife and is 35, the age gap doesn't bother me now, but will it later?

 

 

The result will be me leaving my country where I love, my job, friends and family and moving to his country (not somewhere I love to be honest). I understand he doesn't want to leave his children's so the commitment needs to come from my end. But I do feel this commitment is one sided and involves a lot of risk for me. On one side I don't want to regret leaving a great guy for my comforts back home but on the other hand as a young independent woman, I don't want to regret leaving my growing future at 23.

 

 

If anyone has any experiences of advice to give on this topic - please help. I need all the advice I can get, I am extremely indecisive and ending this would be a huge step for me.

Thanks everyone.

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Hi Brooke, welcome. :)

 

How many times have you met this man in real life? Have you spent at least enough time together IRL to really get to know each other's strengths and weaknesses?

 

If you are already having concerns about the R (age gap and children and one-sided commitment) AND don't really want to move to the USA - don't. The place you live in has a huge impact on everything - your career, your happiness, your life.

 

Also, how would you move to the US? Unlike AUS, the US (as far as I know) doesn't recognize de facto relationships, you would need a fiance visa to move there, no?

 

My opinion might be biased, but in your place I wouldn't. Australia is a really, really great place to live and grow for a young woman, and the payoff for you relocating to the US doesn't sound all that great.

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Million.to.1

Hi Brooke..

 

I agree with Elswyth. You've got love where you live.

 

My partner moved from Canada to NZ to be with me. We had only spent a short amount of time together IRL 2 years before came to live with me.

 

He was at a crossroads career wise back home, the lifestyle in NZ suited him more than a big city did, and we are in our mid 30's, no kids.

 

It's been mostly good with a few bumps here and there. He does miss his family and friends, particularly when things aren't all rosy. But there is more for him here now than just me. Life is good, work is picking up for him and he makes steps towards his dreams and goals.

 

If he was in your situation, he wouldn't have come. He would resent me for leaving a good thing every time things got a little tense between us if he wasn't totally happy about the location and life here.

 

but anyway... we've done it, and it's working well. But the stars were a bit more in our favour than yours are IMO.

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Can you wait a year or two?

You'd be still moving at 25, and you're still young.

You'd have the time to test the relationship more. How old are the kids?

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Hi All.

 

Never thought I would be attempting to get life advice from an online forum but realised that I needed some advice from people who are not invested in my decision and can provide logical opinions.

 

Eh, that's what LS is here for. :)

 

Some background..am 23, living in Melbourne AUS and have secured myself an amazing job in a large global organisation. I have studied and only been working for 18 months and ideally not ready to leave. In the background I have been dating an American for over 3 years long distance. It has not been easy but he is a great guy so it has been worth the money and at times, the loneliness. My now fiancé has 2 children to an ex wife and is 35, the age gap doesn't bother me now, but will it later?

 

Forget about the age, you have more important things to consider. As someone else asked, how many times have you met? Do you really know him enough to say that he is great? Are you afraid that you would not be able to find someone "great" in Australia?

 

The result will be me leaving my country where I love, my job, friends and family and moving to his country (not somewhere I love to be honest). I understand he doesn't want to leave his children's so the commitment needs to come from my end. But I do feel this commitment is one sided and involves a lot of risk for me. On one side I don't want to regret leaving a great guy for my comforts back home but on the other hand as a young independent woman, I don't want to regret leaving my growing future at 23.

 

Yes, you are taking all of the risk. I understand his position and b/c of that, I conclude that a LDR is not something he should be considering as he will always be the one to NOT compromise, not to make the biggest commitment in terms of location, etc. And frankly, you have everything to lose. You do not have a solid relationship. It's all been LD and depending on the number of times you've actually been together, still two people getting to know each other...For me, this is a no brainer. You stay in Australia.

 

 

If anyone has any experiences of advice to give on this topic - please help. I need all the advice I can get, I am extremely indecisive and ending this would be a huge step for me.

Thanks everyone.

 

I am in a LDR and preparing to move to her. But we both have children and I will secure a position that will be good for me. I have and we have had a PLAN for sometime before making the decision to move. I also dated her before we made the decision to do LDR. I know her enough to confidently make the decision to go with this LDR. She is mature, committed....nothing shady or mysterious about intent. You don't have a plan. What is his plan for you? Live together? Helping you find a job NOW? Immigration paperwork help?

 

WHAT IS THE PLAN???? Go there and JUST continue dating, getting to know each other? Really, no way in my book. I am making my move with the expressed intent to become engaged and married within a reasonable period of time. I don't want anything less. He just wants to continue dating????

 

Stay in Australia.

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It's hard to get a good job anywhere. Stay put unless you plan to marry this man very soon. I don't see how you could live and work there legally. Unless this big global corporation has branches in the US. In which case perhaps you could transfer in a year or so. Just being a few hours closer to him would help and you wouldn't have to marry since you'd be there legally.

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We are engaged. Have been dating for over three years and go back and forth between the states every 8 weeks. We are extremely familiar with one another and 'not knowing my finance enough' is not the problem for me here. It is the simple question of - does love conquer all? Should I give up my independence here for a man who I feel is putting on the pressure and does not quite understand that there's a lot to lose here and if I don't get a equally great job and opportunity there. In saying that, if another opportunity pops up there, I cant take it, because he has kids and I have to be where his children are - am I going to resent him? I just don't know what I should consider more important - career or love.

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We are engaged. Have been dating for over three years and go back and forth between the states every 8 weeks. We are extremely familiar with one another and 'not knowing my finance enough' is not the problem for me here. It is the simple question of - does love conquer all? Should I give up my independence here for a man who I feel is putting on the pressure and does not quite understand that there's a lot to lose here and if I don't get a equally great job and opportunity there. In saying that, if another opportunity pops up there, I cant take it, because he has kids and I have to be where his children are - am I going to resent him? I just don't know what I should consider more important - career or love.

 

Ah, okay. It's a tough decision, IMO, and one that I don't think anyone can make for you. An important question that might help you decide: What is HE willing to do to make this relationship work out? If you did sacrifice your career and move, what sacrifices is he willing to make to meet you halfway?

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When I was in my early 20s I had a serious relationship with a man who was in his mid 30s.

 

I ended up outgrowing him - or rather, I matured and became more independent, and he didn't care for it. He was happy having the "upper hand" in that regard.

 

I ended the relationship and whille it was difficult, I wasn't in a foreign country, thousands of miles from family and friends, when it happened.

 

You are going to change quite a bit in the next few years. Think really hard about this. You come across as very level headed and rational. Try to think about what you would tell another person in the same situation.

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Frank2thepoint
Some background..am 23, living in Melbourne AUS and have secured myself an amazing job in a large global organisation. I have studied and only been working for 18 months and ideally not ready to leave. In the background I have been dating an American for over 3 years long distance. It has not been easy but he is a great guy so it has been worth the money and at times, the loneliness. My now fiancé has 2 children to an ex wife and is 35, the age gap doesn't bother me now, but will it later?

 

 

The result will be me leaving my country where I love, my job, friends and family and moving to his country (not somewhere I love to be honest). I understand he doesn't want to leave his children's so the commitment needs to come from my end. But I do feel this commitment is one sided and involves a lot of risk for me. On one side I don't want to regret leaving a great guy for my comforts back home but on the other hand as a young independent woman, I don't want to regret leaving my growing future at 23.

 

Just like others have said, and I will concur with them as well. I don't recommend for you to move to just be with this man. You are young, sound like you have a good head on your shoulders because you are responsible to consider your future. The man has kids, he will be unable to compromise for you.

 

But since you have feelings for him, I will not downplay this because this is also important. This will be a very tough decision for you. As an alternative, since you mentioned you work for a global organization, have you looked into your company having a presence in the US and considered transferring to ease the transition?

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Okay, I'm going to haul out the article that I reference all the time for these occasions...

 

Brooke, you feel awfully adult right now but - at 23 - I can 100% GUARANTEE you will change your mind in about five years. And here is why:

 

You have Half-Baked Brain Syndrome. In short, the frontal cortex to your brain won't finish attaching for another four or five years and during that time, everything you want, believe, and how you make decisions will change!

 

I am 50 years old and when someone told this to me in my early 20s (when I chose to get married!), I scoffed and didn't believe them. I tried to explain how mature I was - and, in fact, I really was mature for my age! But in my late 20s, everything I was planning for, working for, and believing CHANGED.

 

Trust us oldies who have been-there-and-done-that. Don't make such a HUGE life-changing decision like this if you are even remotely questioning what you are doing. Because there is SO MUCH you cannot anticipate and will probably regret - especially if you are already questioning what you are doing...

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regine_phalange

I wouldn't take such risk if I didn't have a solid relationship with the man, in the same geographical location, for a good amount of time. You can't tell whether you are compatible if you don't share all aspects of everyday life together, good and bad. Are you sure you know how this person handles stress? His finances? How does he treat other people? During holidays or short trips everything is usually nice and happy. No, I don't think it's worth the risk if you don't have such a foundation. If there is the foundation though, I'd still work some more years in Australia (at least 3) to gain important and globally valuable work experience.

 

This comes from someone who received the pressure about moving to another country in a LDR, and even started going to job interviews in the country the man lived in. But then discovered he wasn't who he seemed to be (and he wasn't a random stranger when we met, he was suppossedly also a friend of a family member. It was a shock for all of us). Thank god for the revelation.

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nomadic_butterfly

What was the cause of his divorce and what responsibility does he take in all of it?

 

I think you two are in two completely different phases of life and now is the time to be a bit selfish or self-concerned. Focus mainly on your career and in time everything else will pan out. It sounds very one sided in that only YOU are making the sacrifices. You don't want to compromise your youth and career only to find you've made a massive mistake and you WILL live to regret it.

 

Ask anyone who has made a major decision that cause their career/education to suffer while young for a relationship that didn't pan out. I hate to be a debbie downer but I'd feel a lot differently if you spent quality time consistently in a close proximity. It seems like he has way too much baggage and you are entirely too young to be dealing with all of that.

 

 

Hi All.

 

 

Never thought I would be attempting to get life advice from an online forum but realised that I needed some advice from people who are not invested in my decision and can provide logical opinions.

 

 

Some background..am 23, living in Melbourne AUS and have secured myself an amazing job in a large global organisation. I have studied and only been working for 18 months and ideally not ready to leave. In the background I have been dating an American for over 3 years long distance. It has not been easy but he is a great guy so it has been worth the money and at times, the loneliness. My now fiancé has 2 children to an ex wife and is 35, the age gap doesn't bother me now, but will it later?

 

 

The result will be me leaving my country where I love, my job, friends and family and moving to his country (not somewhere I love to be honest). I understand he doesn't want to leave his children's so the commitment needs to come from my end. But I do feel this commitment is one sided and involves a lot of risk for me. On one side I don't want to regret leaving a great guy for my comforts back home but on the other hand as a young independent woman, I don't want to regret leaving my growing future at 23.

 

 

If anyone has any experiences of advice to give on this topic - please help. I need all the advice I can get, I am extremely indecisive and ending this would be a huge step for me.

Thanks everyone.

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Before moving permanently, is it possible to take a leave form your work and go for say 6 months ( or some other trial period of time, maybe even 2-3 months)? Something that will leave you the time to see whether it is worth it to make a more long term decision.

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