Military vs College, a LDR ???

[Aviendha]

I have not always been a devoted college student, but I am now. When I met him I was really disheartened about my plans for the future, and he encouraged me to continue in college and he believed in me. He is in the Infantry Marines. Ten months after we met and began dating he was restationed to the other corner of the country. I went across the country road-tripping with him. I stayed with him and his family for a month in the DC area. Then I flew back home to continue school, as a sophomore undergraduate. After that quarter I spent two weeks with him and his family over christmas break. A month into the next quarter his little sister past away, which was very heart breaking. Even though I was taking 16 credits consisting of chemistry, calculus, and German, I really love him and care about his family, so I immediately flew to DC for 5 days, and still got decent grades (I am an honor roll student). Then he got sent to a 2-month field opp, and now he is in an advancement course.

 

I really appreciate him pushing me because I realized I am actually a really good student, and passionate too. At first, when we were separated, he kept complaining that I didn't love him enough and that he wanted me to be close to him. I made it clear to him that under no circumstances am I able to move across the country without being married, and it was up to him to decided whether us being together is important enough to him that he'd understand that. That conversation was about 7 months ago, and since then he decided in fact that he does want to get married. Though he never actually proposed or got me a ring, though he thought about it a lot.

 

Since he said he did want to get married, I made every attempt to plan to adjust my life to move across the country. I applied for college at the nearest university to him, and applied to an extremely competitive research internship a few hours from his station. I got all of those things, and I feel very proud of myself because not everyone is smart or dedicated enough to get into an out of state university or get an undergraduate research internship.

 

We still planned on getting married when I finish my sophomore year and move in a month. Though in the last couple weeks things have changed. My laptop had broken down, and since I knew I'd have money coming in from my internship I opted into a no interest for 12 months credit loan and bought a new laptop, and as a student, this is a necessity. He was extremely angry at me for buying a computer without telling him, as if he believed he has all the technical knowledge and money and he should control it. I told him, that no, it is my money and I am capable of making that decision on my own. Then after that I find an excellent sublease for the internship with a really highly recommended graduate student with two fancy private liberal arts college masters degrees, and the roommate is a friendly gay man who normally has a female roommate. I asked my boyfriend if this is okay, and he said no, refused to discuss it, and then hung up on me. This was after he complained that I hadn't discussed my decisions with him. So I figured since he is unwilling to communicate with me, that I'll make my own decisions. He doesn't appear to be upset about those specific instances, but he isn't very forthcoming either.

 

Now he doesn't want to get married, and I'm not saying that I do want to get married. But I am confused, I am very proud of myself and I consider myself to be intelligent and highly capable, but I feel as though he is wanting to treat me like his ward, instead of as a respected and loved partner. I know he is under a lot of stress, and I can't imagine how his little sister passing away has affected him, but I don't think it calls him to be so controlling.

 

I feel bitter because we had an understanding about the conditions that I move over there. But now I've invested so much energy into it, it isn't even for him anymore, it is what I want. I still love him and miss him very much, but I feel incredibly bitter. I don't think he even cares. He hates it when I complain, because of course NOTHING IS WORSE THAN THE MARINES. I have had extremely difficult and physically demanding jobs before, so even though I physically could not do what he does, I do also know what it feels like to push your body and mind to the limit. He has never accepted or respected that I feel that way about my life experiences and chooses to disregard them and less valuable than his own, at least in my opinion.

 

I don't think he should have his cake and eat it too. I don't think it is fair that I worked so hard to relocate under the condition that we love one another and want to marry, and now I'll still have to pay out of state tuition and housing costs and be on medicare. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he'd even acknowledge it, but instead he acts like I ****ed up, and I don't see that I've done anything wrong.

 

As a side note, he is four years younger than me, and maybe we shouldn't get married anyway, but even so... I just don't know how I can forgive him right now for being so indecisive, and even when he was expecting that we'll get married as a secret from my family... and he hasn't even proposed! I don't think it is fair to me.

 

I sort of just feel like he creates this fairy tale in his mind of who I am and thinks he can will me to be that way, and its just not the case. I think its selfish, and I don't think he actually sees who I am or appreciates me as much as I'd like; even though he is very affectionate and loving. I know I make him happier, but I'm not sure if that is because he loves me so much, or just loves my company, which isn't the same thing.

 

Please, advice???

Edited April 21, 2014 by Aviendha

[Els]

Hi, Aviendha. Fellow WoT fan I take it.

 

As for your situation... oh boy. Where do we even start... You say he is 4 years younger than you. How old is he?

 

Firstly, yes, I think you're putting up with way too much crap from him. He expects the world from you, but what does he give you in return? If you are buying the laptop off your own credit and money, then he has no right to be angry at you for getting it unless you have merged finances or he is financially supporting you (which he isn't). And given that you needed to sublease your room because you are financing your move to be with him out of your own pocket, and he wasn't interested in discussing your roommate with you... yeah, he has no right to complain about that either.

 

IMO it's a really good thing that he backed out of marrying you (if he had even intended to in the first place). At least you're not tied down to him so you have more freedom to put your foot down. Which you really need to be doing.

 

I think you need to tell him exactly what you said here. He's being selfish, he's being controlling, and you feel like your move isn't being aided or appreciated by him. If he doesn't improve, IMO you need to cut your losses and leave. The only reason he is being able to have his cake and eat it too, is because you have been allowing him to all this time.

[justwhoiam]

Right, how old is he? And how old are you?

 

I always speak my mind and I think you're in the wrong.

Before adjusting plans, you need to adjust your personalities.

 

Marriages have so many challenges already, and if you're starting one with the wrong foot, you can imagine how its future will be.

 

Your approach is: I know what I'm doing, and I want to do it my way. Trust me.

 

His approach is: Share things with me. What kind of couple are we? We're talking about getting married and then you don't even let me know the simpler things. Plus, you don't take me into account for anything. You just present me with your decisions. You don't respect me as a man. I have a dignity, for heaven's sake. We're not even married and you show signs of no respect for a man, and not any man, your soon-to-be husband. Next thing I know, you walk all over me. And this is not gonna happen. At this point, I'm not sure we should even get married.

 

Get it? I hope so.

 

In short, you either need to change your ways or find a beta male who will be fine with whatever you do.

[Aviendha]

I am 26 and he is 22, and yea I am a WOT fan .

 

Justwhoiam, I think we both feel both of those ways, actually. I don't think I 'walk all over' anyone, I'm a strong person, but I don't tell him what to do, and I don't think he should to me either, I think our goal should be just to love and support one another, not bind them to our will. I think it would be very sexist for either of us to not respect one another's ability to make decisions. Making decisions together is great, and traditionally I would discuss it, distance and lack of knowledge interfere. We don't really know very much about one another's financial needs and goals and capabilities. He is more interested in saving money with the intention that he will be supporting me in the future. He is or was planning to fund my move across the country. I don't feel comfortable letting him buy me a computer or pay for my college, because I have too much pride. I don't see why as a man his pride is more important than mine, I've been supporting myself for 8 years as an adult. I don't feel comfortable with money and people buying me expensive things because I am afraid they'll use it against me in the future to control me or to hurt my feelings in a disagreement, and a couple years ago I also watched my parent's 30-year marriage break apart horribly, and that also really impacts my opinions of marital finance.

 

I think you forget I mentioned that when I tried to discuss it with him, both times we talked about the computer and the sublease, he got angry and hung up on me for not just doing what he says without listening to details I had to say. He has a stance that if one of us wants to buy something and the other says 'not right now,' then that is valid. I am a college student, I am consistently going further into debt with student loans (though only marginally), but I am competitive and picked a lucrative field, so to me it makes no sense to go to all the trouble to be in college, and then not have the right tools for the job. I do agree that I should have mentioned it to him sooner, but he was out in the field and wasn't available to make decisions with... So I made it.

 

...and I think that is what the military is like, he has to trust my judgements, because he wont be there to help me make them. I would be more comfortable talking to him about things if he wouldn't get angry and hang up on me when we disagree on something.

 

I think he feels like he is responsible to support me, but I think that is outdated and wrong. I've never let anyone support me since I became an adult, and I'm not going to just take all of my years of experience and self sufficiency and hand them over to someone else, it would be an insult. Maybe I just don't trust him to love me and be loyal enough not to use it against me in the future. I don't know.

 

I wish he would talk to me about these serious issues, but I don't feel like he does. Sometimes I will send him a letter about my feelings, and he acknowledges it, but he doesn't tell me his opinions, and I am just confused. He makes rules, but not reasons, and that is not okay with me at all. I think it has to do with how he is treated and how he has to treat others in military. His family are a lot more giving and loving than my own, so where he feels comfortable with families supporting other members of their family, I do not. That is a very sore topic to me (notice how I am 26 and only a sophomore, because I've had to do it on my own, and I wont get into FASFA regulations, its too complicated).

 

Also, I cannot even count how many times he has brought up marriage and then changed his mind again. Over and over again. I got fed up and told him he has to commit to one plan, which obviously he hasn't done. I don't want to sound selfish, but I am also annoyed that he keeps trying to buy me gifts, anything but what I want! I want a commitment... and maybe a ring... but no, he'd rather spend his money on things that benefit him (like constantly wanting to replace my phones due to reception or whatever, so that he can always contact me on his schedule). I don't know. I don't want to be selfish or unreasonable, but I don't know what is right.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Aviendha

[justwhoiam]

I am 26 and he is 22

He's 22 and you're 26. He needs to stand his ground on things. You are quite aggressive and not the loving wife he would expect.

 

I don't think I 'walk all over' anyone, I'm a strong person, but I don't tell him what to do

You just admitted it without even realizing. You are a strong person and need to do things your way. When you decide to live and share your life with someone else, you need to give up that kind of attitude, with no fear of losing your own individuality. You need to make room for "us" and less "me" in your reasoning.

 

I think our goal should be just to love and support one another, not bind them to our will.

You want us to believe you are mature, then you overlook the practical issues that might arise every day. What if he picked a house to live at without telling you on the excuse that you were not around? Wouldn't you feel bypassed? That would be valid about anything else. What if he decided to paint your bedroom walls "brown"? You need more communications on how to decide such things, and when it's fine to decide without involving the other.

 

So, start focusing on the "us" part and not on the "me" part. Unless you feel you're not ready for an "us". And there are many things you said that make me think so.

 

traditionally I would discuss it, distance and lack of knowledge interfere.

You can use distance or his unavailability, with a pinch of salt.

I had to buy a new phone and I asked him to help me pick a good one. I needed one fast, because the other one was broken, and I also need it for work, as I work on my own and I can't do without it in my business. He said OK right away, he did want to help me. But he didn't act upon it. He got caught up with other stuff and didn't really help with picking a suitable phone. After like a couple of days, I went to a local store and found a deal regarding a phone and bought it. Then I told him I had bought the phone and let him know what it was. In the next few weeks, it became evident that the phone was not what he would have picked (it only has front cam, odd software..). He asked me to go back to the store and change it, but by then it was too late, as 30 days had gone by already. He did complain, but couldn't really blame it on me, as it was HIS fault. I asked him for help, he didn't provide it on time. So in short, no big deal. Next time, I guess he'll be quicker. I hope you get the sense of this whole story.

 

We don't really know very much about one another's financial needs and goals and capabilities.

Then definitely marriage is not for you right now. You should share all this kind of information when and if you are taking marriage seriously. I know everything about him, how much money he has at the bank, his loan, etc.

 

He is more interested in saving money with the intention that he will be supporting me in the future. He is or was planning to fund my move across the country.

Did you discuss that? You just said you know nothing about his finances? Remember that if you are married and you open a loan, it's not just you having a loan, but a loan will affect the family. So it's wise that you make this kind of decisions together.

If for instance you have to pay $300 for interests, that money would be better spent for the family, don't you think? You need to have a wise reason to justify your action, and prove that your decision is better and why.

 

I don't feel comfortable letting him buy me a computer or pay for my college, because I have too much pride.

I went on studying while being married. We had a shared bank account and I was working. I used the money from the bank account. There was no discussion about using whose money. But I told him about my decision to enroll in a course, and that it would mean more money for us both. And that's what happened. It was a small investment. And I got more business because of that. Maybe cohabitation with separated bank accounts is better for you. But probably he would withdraw, because it's not what he's looking for. The funny thing is you asked for commitment, he gave it to you and now you are making a step back.

 

Don't relocate, stay where you are, go on studying and get to know each other better before thinking of living together or getting married.

It's for the best, for both.

Edited April 21, 2014 by justwhoiam

[Aviendha]

Justwhoiam, I do not think you read what I said very clearly. Also, military LDR do not always have the ability to make decisions with their partner. Being a university student is not frivolous and is not the same things as casually taking a class whenever. So I MIGHT have student loans, and a future Ph.D in molecular biology, I am pretty sure the student loans are meaningless at that point. It's not like I am studying basket weaving and getting Cs.

 

Also...

Originally Posted by Aviendha View Post

I think our goal should be just to love and support one another, not bind them to our will.

 

[You want us to believe you are mature, then you overlook the practical issues that might arise every day. What if he picked a house to live at without telling you on the excuse that you were not around? Wouldn't you feel bypassed? That would be valid about anything else. What if he decided to paint your bedroom walls "brown"? You need more communications on how to decide such things, and when it's fine to decide without involving the other.

 

So, start focusing on the "us" part and not on the "me" part. Unless you feel you're not ready for an "us". And there are many things you said that make me think so.]

 

IDGAF if you think I am mature. Maybe I am and maybe I am not, I've certainly never been married and if I thought I knew everything I wouldn't be here, I do however think I can make my own financial decisions, which has nothing to do with my skill at marriage success. I wouldn't mind if he picked a place without me because I wasn't there, because in fact, I am not there, so why be upset about the impossible?

 

About the brown room painting, that is just a fallacy.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Aviendha

[justwhoiam]

1) My example about the phone was the same as the computer. You need it for university, I need it for work.

 

2) Regarding university and money, I didn't get into details, but I meant I went on studying for a Master's, not basket weaving.

 

3) The fact that you are studying molecular biology is irrelevant for what I was trying to say. The same would be valid for other careers too. Mine included.

 

4) "IDGAF if you think I am mature. Maybe I am and maybe I am not" and we can leave it at that.

[Grumpybutfun]

I am a retired military man so I understand the challenges of being in service to one's country. There are so many things I want to say but I will just go over the relevant ones. The military will move him every two to four years therefore stay where you are and finish your school. Do not move for him or uproot your life in any way until you have the wedding over and you both have agreed to equal parameters and boundaries.

 

Secondly, this guy is insecure and monstrously controlling. Not even married and he thinks he controls your finances and where you are going to live. These are two huge flags. I think you need to pull back from him, get your education and focus on your career because as anyone in the military knows, his life is going to revolve around his. This guy sounds flaky and self serving, controlling and micro managing...time to cut your losses and move on. Way too much drama and red flags to have a successful relationship with this guy. He wants you to make all of the sacrifices and to me that is just selfish in his part. You should have never considered moving or changing colleges, now rectify it and break up, live where you want and stop catering to the demands of someone who thinks his life in the military is more important than yours. I am proud to have been of service to my country, but I would have never asked my gf to have sacrificed around my service without already being married and her having the benefits and support of the military. He just wants you to sacrifice for him without doing anything for you.

Move on,

Grumps

Edited April 21, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[Aviendha]

Grumps,

 

Thanks. He only has a year and a half left in the military, and I am at a two year college and the university I applied to there is the one I want to go to (and I have already accepted enrollment, as far as my education is concerned, I consider myself having made my commitment.) I just don't know what I want in my relationship though, as it is I am going to be over there now anyway... Which I guess is what he wanted? I don't know. I can't tell how much he really loves me or not.

 

Thank you for your service.

[Aviendha]

Iamwhoiam,

 

I don't know if it is your personal mission to make people who are asking for help feel bad about themselves, but I probably wont come back to this forum.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Aviendha

[justwhoiam]

I don't know if it is your personal mission to make people who are asking for help feel bad about themselves, but I probably wont come back to this forum.

You were looking for people telling you how bad he is and how right you are. I simply couldn't see it and I only expressed my opinion. Don't be mad at me because of that. I usually don't sugarcoat it and sometimes people don't take it well. Like in your case.

 

P.S. I did try to help you, but you decided to disregard what I said thinking it doesn't apply to you.

[Aviendha]

You were looking for people telling you how bad he is and how right you are. I simply couldn't see it and I only expressed my opinion. Don't be mad at me because of that. I usually don't sugarcoat it and sometimes people don't take it well. Like in your case.

 

P.S. I did try to help you, but you decided to disregard what I said thinking it doesn't apply to you.

 

That doesn't make any sense. I love him. I'm not breaking up with him either. I don't even understand if you are suggesting I do something specific, but all your recommendations don't really seem to apply to me and just sound really mean and sexist.

[Els]

I am 26 and he is 22

 

Ah, okay. I may be generalizing, but I really do not think most 22 year old men are anywhere near ready for marriage, at least not within the time frame you are hoping for. Even if they agree to it, it's a very rare 22 yo who will be able to make it work out for the long term.

 

That being said, I disagree with everything justwhoiam said, and agree with Grumps. IMO you should not be giving in any more to him than you already are. To me, the only 'wrong' thing that you did was to sacrifice so much for him when he hasn't lifted a finger to satisfy any of your needs.

 

What do you plan to do?

Edited April 22, 2014 by Elswyth

[Aviendha]

I plan on getting to my internship on time. I don't know what else. I'm scared, confused, and feel insecure.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Aviendha

[Els]

I plan on getting to my internship on time. I don't know what else. I'm scared, confused, and feel insecure.

 

Well, do that. Then think about what you're really hoping to get from this R, and what you objectively think the odds of getting that will be.

 

Good luck.