Can medium distance be worse than long distance?

[Brutus]

Hello everyone.

I used to post on the breakup section but I was interested in getting opinions also from the "population" in the LDR one. My sad story is told in details here. To make it short, I met this wonderful girl during a road trip. For both of us it was like "recognizing" a person we had always known. We keep in touch for a year during which she is in her first serious relationship, after which he dumps her, she visits me and we get together. She was unsure about the distance (more than 2000km, visas, etc) but love and modern technology make it work just fine for more than 1 year. We travelled together every 2 months for 6-15 days and saw the world together.

 

Finally we move to the same country but to different cities (2.5 hours by bus away from each other). She starts a new life, very stressful but at the same time full of new opportunities. She gets colder and more distant, then I figure out about another guy in her town who tried to hit on her. I get jealous, afraid, angry and needy, I breakdown physically and psychologically. She feels too much responsibility and pressure, asks for time and we call a break. 4 days later she leaves me. I will spare you the heartbreak, the depression, the panic and the miserable life I have ever since.

 

My question is: may the "medium" distance be more dangerous than the long one, as it removes the romantic element of "impossible love"? Especially when you jump from seeing each other every few months for several days (hence have the time to get used to each other and then miss each other) to seeing each almost every weekend (hence regularly, but for a few days, so without time to get used and miss each other)?

[HeavenOrHell]

From my perspective medium distance would work a hell of a lot better than long distance, 2.5 hours means we'e meet every weekend which would be amazing, so much better than meeting every 7 weeks or so.

 

She moved to your country specifically to be closer to you?

 

Were you clingy/insecure with her before this other guy came on the scene, if so could that have pushed her away?

 

No, medium distance shouldn't be more of a problem than long distance, it's only a problem if there's a problem with the r/ship.

 

 

 

 

Hello everyone.

I used to post on the breakup section but I was interested in getting opinions also from the "population" in the LDR one. My sad story is told in details here. To make it short, I met this wonderful girl during a road trip. For both of us it was like "recognizing" a person we had always known. We keep in touch for a year during which she is in her first serious relationship, after which he dumps her, she visits me and we get together. She was unsure about the distance (more than 2000km, visas, etc) but love and modern technology make it work just fine for more than 1 year. We travelled together every 2 months for 6-15 days and saw the world together.

 

Finally we move to the same country but to different cities (2.5 hours by bus away from each other). She starts a new life, very stressful but at the same time full of new opportunities. She gets colder and more distant, then I figure out about another guy in her town who tried to hit on her. I get jealous, afraid, angry and needy, I breakdown physically and psychologically. She feels too much responsibility and pressure, asks for time and we call a break. 4 days later she leaves me. I will spare you the heartbreak, the depression, the panic and the miserable life I have ever since.

 

My question is: may the "medium" distance be more dangerous than the long one, as it removes the romantic element of "impossible love"? Especially when you jump from seeing each other every few months for several days (hence have the time to get used to each other and then miss each other) to seeing each almost every weekend (hence regularly, but for a few days, so without time to get used and miss each other)?

[Brutus]

From my perspective medium distance would work a hell of a lot better than long distance, 2.5 hours means we'e meet every weekend which would be amazing, so much better than meeting every 7 weeks or so.

 

 

This is what I believed too in the beginning, but as I wrote I soon realized it made it more of a "habit", especially for her, too short to make her used to my presence and too frequent to make her miss me and to be someting "special" as it was before.

 

She moved to your country specifically to be closer to you?

 

 

No, we both moved to a 3rd country.

 

Were you clingy/insecure with her before this other guy came on the scene, if so could that have pushed her away?

No, I became when i realized she was behaving differently than before, and finding out about this guy made it even worse. But before it was rather the contrary (she was rather jealous of my female friends and telling me she needs me all the time). However she kept saying till the very end and even after that her "crisis" was not due to this guy (I tend to trust her in this). But surely, my behavior pushed her away. Perhaps it just speeded up a process that was already irreversible.

 

No, medium distance shouldn't be more of a problem than long distance, it's only a problem if there's a problem with the r/ship.

 

Ok, so from your answer I desume that there were other factors which brought our relationship to the bitter end... Thanks.

[justwhoiam]

may the "medium" distance be more dangerous than the long one, as it removes the romantic element of "impossible love"?

It may, if it's permanent. So if you have permanent medium distance vs temporary long distance, I'd say there might be more friction with medium distance. That is also caused by the fact of not having an end in sight.

 

That said, I think that in this relationship you didn't factor in her culture. Isn't she Russian? Russia has the highest rate of divorces all over the world. And 50% of couples won't reach their 3rd anniversary. That says a lot about lifestyle and culture.

[Brutus]

That said, I think that in this relationship you didn't factor in her culture. Isn't she Russian? Russia has the highest rate of divorces all over the world. And 50% of couples won't reach their 3rd anniversary. That says a lot about lifestyle and culture.

 

 

I agree with the first part, unfortunately we did not know when it would have ended, but that new situation had just started since 2 months. There was a perspective of being closer, she just stopped believing in it.

 

 

As for the "cultural" factor, that high rate of divorces is mainly due to alcoholism and economic problems, both absent from our relationship.

[justwhoiam]

As for the "cultural" factor, that high rate of divorces is mainly due to alcoholism and economic problems, both absent from our relationship.

It can be due to alcoholism, but not necessarily. It's more a matter of culture. They also have a longer tradition regarding divorce compared to many other countries. But that too, alone, is not the reason why they split up so quickly and frequently.

[HeavenOrHell]

If a r/ship ends because you're spending more time together then yes there must have been problems underneath the surface. Many couples live together and it brings them closer together, not further apart, but some r/ships become stale whether they're long distance, medium distance or living together.

R /ship success shouldn't depends on how often you see someone.

I've not read all the replies, so I don't know if she explained to you what went wrong, it's nor fair on you to not be told what happened.

I don't know how much time you spent together before you both moved?

I think a good deal of time needs to be spent with someone before making such a big move, so that you both know each other inside out before taking that step.

 

https://you.38degrees.org.uk/petitions/cut-fossil-fuel-subsidies-not-foreign-aid-for-flood-victims-reliefQUOTE=Brutus;5653211]This is what I believed too in the beginning, but as I wrote I soon realized it made it more of a "habit", especially for her, too short to make her used to my presence and too frequent to make her miss me and to be something "special" as it was.

 

 

 

No, we both moved to a 3rd country.

 

No, I became when i realized she was behaving differently than before, and finding out about this guy made it even worse. But before it was rather the contrary (she was rather jealous of my female friends and telling me she needs me all the time). However she kept saying till the very end and even after that her "crisis" was not due to this guy (I tend to trust her in this). But surely, my behavior pushed her away. Perhaps it just speeded up a process that was already irreversible.

 

 

 

Ok, so from your answer I desume that there were other factors which brought our relationship to the bitter end... Thanks.

[Els]

I've been through both in the same relationship. We were very LD for 2 years, then reunited and went through all the visa crap. Lived together for 3+ years. A few months back he started working at a place a 1.5 hour drive away (3 hours by bus), so we only see each other on weekends (that he isn't working).

 

Frankly, they aren't even in the same ballpark, to me. The LDR was very hard. Very, very, very hard. There was so much uncertainty about being able to reunite due to visa issues, visits were so expensive, and trust me, the 'honeymoon impossible love' rose tint fades bloody quick in the face of reality.

 

The past few months of medium distance barely registered as a blip. I am fine and happy with seeing him on weekends, especially as both of us are so busy with work on weekdays anyway. And it will be much easier to reunite in a timely manner.

 

IMO, the problem with your last R wasn't 'medium distance', it was something much greater. Also, I notice that it happened just after she moved to your country? Uprooting to a new country can be really, really difficult on someone, that may have contributed to part of the issue.

[2fargone]

Distance has never been a problem to me. I have had relationships 100km away, 300km away, 1800km away, 3000km away. The distance by itself makes no difference.

 

 

If I love someone I will close that gap asap, and I expect her to be wanting the same. Working towards that will keep me (us) going...

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry, my post turned out weird when I first posted it.

 

 

If a r/ship ends because you're spending more time together then yes there must have been problems underneath the surface. Many couples live together and it brings them closer together, not further apart, but some r/ships become stale whether they're long distance, medium distance or living together.

R /ship success shouldn't depends on how often you see someone.

I've not read all the replies, so I don't know if she explained to you what went wrong, it's nor fair on you to not be told what happened.

I don't know how much time you spent together before you both moved?

I think a good deal of time needs to be spent with someone before making such a big move, so that you both know each other inside out before taking that step.

[Brutus]

If a r/ship ends because you're spending more time together then yes there must have been problems underneath the surface. Many couples live together and it brings them closer together, not further apart, but some r/ships become stale whether they're long distance, medium distance or living together.

R /ship success shouldn't depends on how often you see someone.

 

I would not say we were spending more time together, it was just different. Instead of one intense week every 2 months it was almost every w/e, hence more frequently, but for a shorter time (and perhaps less intense?).

 

IMO, the problem with your last R wasn't 'medium distance', it was something much greater. Also, I notice that it happened just after she moved to your country? Uprooting to a new country can be really, really difficult on someone, that may have contributed to part of the issue.

 

I assume you are right. We both moved to a new country, but I assume for her it was different, as I am used to live abroad. She always said she was very stressed and had not time for herself, to enjoy her new home, so I assume that the "medium" distance made things worse, as she had to invest her w/e in being with me rather than doing other things for herself. This is how she explained it to me. But can this really destroy a strong love? I dont know. For me, doing things for myself and being with her have never been mutually excusive, for her, apparently yes. Perhaps you are right, there was something deeper, and the "medium" distance, being more challenging in terms of frequency, surely contributed to it, but was likely not the main reason.

I just wish it had never happened