Is it possible to be friends with an ex in an LDR?

[ohnoo]

I spent 2.5 months with my bf in Europe and came back to my little Asian country last month. After only 6 weeks apart, we called it quits. (Before my trip, he went to visit me and was able to wait up to 5 months til our next meeting) We both didn't want to break up but we thought it was for the best because we don't have a future together. To be honest, not having a future together was more on his part cos he doesn't wanna be tied down. He's career driven and marriage is just optional to him.

 

So there, we broke up last night during Skype. It was teary but we had a lot of laugh also.

 

A background about us: We were e-mail buddies for 2 years where we sent long ass emails about anything and everything and then we went official when we both became single. We're only 10 months in. We consider each other bestfriends. He said I'm the only one who knows him the best and vice versa. He said I'm the most interesting, talented, and the funniest girl he had ever met but we disagree on a lot of things and that the distance, waiting time, and no physical contact numbed his attraction towards me. I'm still attracted to him though.

 

Anyway...is it possible to remain friends in our situation? I don't wanna lose a bestfriend but I fear it will be awkward and more painful when he gets a girlfriend. I feel like a lot of pressure and expectations were lifted when we became just friends last night. It's cos he's a constantly busy man while I'm the slow, stop-and-smell-the-roses type. Don't get me wrong, I'm very very hurt and sad (so is he). There's a lump in my throat when I see our pics together or just me remembering things.

 

We planned to continue talking and even our Wednesday Skype date. He messaged me good morning but to be honest I don't know if I should reply or not. We both miss each other, a lot.

 

Any advice? Anyone here who are also friends with their long distance ex?

[TAV]

I'm so sorry for you. For both of you. You invested so much, had so many hopes. It must hurt.

 

I have no experience with the remaining friends thing. In fact, when me and my LDR were going through rough times I've told him specifically that if he only wanted to be friends the intense contact we have would have to stop since it would be very hard for me to let go of my feelings for him then.

 

You say it may be awkward for you when he has a new girlfriend but what about you? Will you be open to a new relationship if your ex-LDR is still such a big part of your life? Would you give any new man a real chance if you did remain close friends?

 

I can understand that the pain of the breakup is so fresh and that you feel this is a good compromise but aren't you just not prolonging your pain?

[Els]

Honestly, I think it would only hinder you from moving on in the beginning. Best to go NC until you really, truly don't care anymore. Otherwise you would still subconsciously be holding on to hope.

[HeavenOrHell]

Personally if me and my partner split up I will most likely want no contact for several weeks, possibly months, before attempting friendship, I already know he would want to stay friends if we split as he'd rather that than not have me in his life at all anymore, but for me I need to sever the strong emotional bond first and then come back on a different footing.

I do think we will be friends for life if we split, because if we split it won't be lack of love or caring, but 'just' distance.

[ohnoo]

@TAV

Yes, I'm open to new relationships although I wanna be single for now and I'm excited to work towards my personal goals. But I do want to talk to other people as friends to divert my attention to them.

 

Hmm...it is painful yes...but it just feels so weird not having any messages from him at all. I was kinda looking at it as fizzling out the love? Like receiving a barrage of messages a day to maybe one a day and then just important messages in the end? Which is ok for me, I just don't wanna lose contact. I plan to entertain other men while talking to him.

 

@Elswyth

I kinda don't wanna go NC, I think I can move on if I just entertain other people. And by entertaining, I mean just talking. I don't wanna be in a relationship probably this whole year not because of him but because I want to improve myself. It's just so weird not talking to him...and NC will make me miss him more I think.

 

@HeavenOrHell

Everyone seems to suggest NC...but I feel I will miss him more... >__>

I feel we will be friends for life too. We communicated so well when we weren't in a relationship. There was just so much expectations when we were together.

 

Thanks all~

[OnlyHonesty]

I think that once you've crossed the line of friendship there is no going back. You may wish there was, you may tell yourself that there is but you either remain as friends or you become more and once that decision has been made, an attempt to regress amounts to wanting to have ones cake and eat it.

 

I believe that is the consequences of an action and that is the risk we take. In my oppinon, thinking you can go back to being friends is naieve, wishful and unlikely to work. If it could work then it wouldn't matter whether either of you got a partner or not.

[ohnoo]

@OnlyHonesty

 

I used to think that way too but I think it just depends on the maturity of the people involved and if they broke up on mutual terms. Right now, I don't wanna see him with another girl but feelings change and people do move on.

[OnlyHonesty]

@OnlyHonesty

 

I used to think that way too but I think it just depends on the maturity of the people involved and if they broke up on mutual terms. Right now, I don't wanna see him with another girl but feelings change and people do move on.

 

Even if you both had moved on, you would still need to consider how their new partner would feel. Again, that's not typically what friends need to worry about if they hadn't been dating.

[ohnoo]

@OnlyHonesty

Yeah, I know. If we've already moved on, it won't matter if we stop communicating in respect to our new partners but we still know that we're still friends. That's still ok with me, it's not like I'm gonna compete for attention. And since we have distance, I doubt talking from time to time will be considered as a threat.

[justwhoiam]

I'm still attracted to him though.

 

Anyway...is it possible to remain friends in our situation?

No. Not as long as you're attracted to him. You'd be just playing a part not to lose him. Friendship is possible, but when attraction is long gone and lost, if ever. So you need to go NC.

[ohnoo]

@justwhoiam

I didn't reply to him. And after a day of thinking this through, I also realized that if I talk to him again even right now when I'm still attracted (and I mean this physically) to him, I won't have any hidden agendas. I love and I do miss him terribly, but the pull of being single to improve myself is greater than being together with him and having these high expectations and pressure back on me again. He did realize that it was unfair to me but I think he can't just let go of these expectations cos he thinks highly of me and my capabilities, like I'm not living to my full potential. But in my opinion I'm just slow in taking actions. We don't have the same pace.

 

But yeah, I think I'll go NC for a week or two, probably longer, just cos even though we broke up mutually and lovingly, some points that were said about me hurts and deflated me.

 

By the way, he said he woke up sad but optimistic about us. I don't know what he meant by optimistic but I don't wanna get back together soon.

Edited April 19, 2014 by ohnoo

[TAV]

@justwhoiam

I didn't reply to him. And after a day of thinking this through, I also realized that if I talk to him again even right now when I'm still attracted (and I mean this physically) to him, I won't have any hidden agendas. I love and I do miss him terribly, but the pull of being single to improve myself is greater than being together with him and having these high expectations and pressure back on me again. He did realize that it was unfair to me but I think he can't just let go of these expectations cos he thinks highly of me and my capabilities, like I'm not living to my full potential. But in my opinion I'm just slow in taking actions. We don't have the same pace.

 

But yeah, I think I'll go NC for a week or two, probably longer, just cos even though we broke up mutually and lovingly, some points that were said about me hurts and deflated me.

 

By the way, he said he woke up sad but optimistic about us. I don't know what he meant by optimistic but I don't wanna get back together soon.

 

So he wants to change you (never good or realistic, they should love you for what you are) ánd he says things to give you hope of a future while he just broke up with you. I'm sure he is a wonderful man, but those are not kind acts.

 

I'm glad you have determined for yourself you no longer want or need this relationship, that gives him less power over you. I am also glad you have woken up today with a more realistic view. There are going to be hard days ahead since this is a mourning process but please stick to your guns.

 

If he really wants you back he should go the extra mile and woo your socks off. I think it is fair enough if you tell him he can't keep saying things like 'I'm optimistic about us'. Or disrespect your need for NC.

 

Stay strong, OP, and best of luck.

[ohnoo]

Thank you @TAV!

 

Yes, he wants to change me and he knows it. I told him that he just couldn't accept me and he just flat out said yes so I told him I wanna find someone who will accept me for who I am. I think since we met online, he built this fantasy image of me. He said he saw me as, in his own words, *PERFECT*, that I had *NO FLAWS* and then proceeded to tell me that I catfished him! Told me to post my flaws online or else people will be disappointed. I don't even get this cos it's not even a physical thing in the first place, he meant that I should post *how I live* online. My lifestyle. Well I don't do that and why should I? He saw me as this successful artist (he loves my artworks) when I always tell him that I'm just a poor starving artist. It also makes him mad knowing that I'm not as productive as he IMAGINED. He said I'm wasting my potential and it frustrates him. He has his valid points (I admit that I'm lazy and I like to take my time) but at the same time how can I keep up with his perfect, unflawed image of me? It also makes me wonder if he's into me because he wanted the image that he has an artist/painter girlfriend.

 

Wow! Now that I typed and read it, this is kinda like a fan who became friends with his idol but couldn't accept the real her behind the lights and fame. This just hit me and kinda sad that I disappointed him.

 

I know this sounds bad but he said he was sorry for expecting unfair things from me. I have no anger towards him, he knows his mistakes. He also thinks that he is not old enough for me which is true. If he said he wants me back, I'll say no because I'm thinking with my head now first. I can't keep up with him now, maybe after a year or two, we both need some maturing to do.

 

I don't think he'll disrespect my NC but maybe just be weirded by it cos we ended the Skype happily and planned to continue to talk and Skype. But I think he'll understand.

Edited April 19, 2014 by ohnoo

[HeavenOrHell]

Friendships with ex's can work if you have both moved on, and don't hope to get them back, also helps if you both have new partners, I am friends with my long term ex and my partner is with his as well.

 

But friends with ex's won't work if there's any hint of one of you hoping it will become a r/ship again.

[justwhoiam]

Yeah, HoH is right. A one-week break won't do anything for you.

 

You need long-term NC, if you are strong as you claim you are. Give it at least 3 months. I would need longer. But one or two weeks of NC is just ridiculous and quite a bad idea.

[TAV]

Thank you @TAV!

 

Yes, he wants to change me and he knows it. I told him that he just couldn't accept me and he just flat out said yes so I told him I wanna find someone who will accept me for who I am. I think since we met online, he built this fantasy image of me. He said he saw me as, in his own words, *PERFECT*, that I had *NO FLAWS* and then proceeded to tell me that I catfished him! Told me to post my flaws online or else people will be disappointed. I don't even get this cos it's not even a physical thing in the first place, he meant that I should post *how I live* online. My lifestyle. Well I don't do that and why should I? He saw me as this successful artist (he loves my artworks) when I always tell him that I'm just a poor starving artist. It also makes him mad knowing that I'm not as productive as he IMAGINED. He said I'm wasting my potential and it frustrates him. He has his valid points (I admit that I'm lazy and I like to take my time) but at the same time how can I keep up with his perfect, unflawed image of me? It also makes me wonder if he's into me because he wanted the image that he has an artist/painter girlfriend.

 

Wow! Now that I typed and read it, this is kinda like a fan who became friends with his idol but couldn't accept the real her behind the lights and fame. This just hit me and kinda sad that I disappointed him.

 

I know this sounds bad but he said he was sorry for expecting unfair things from me. I have no anger towards him, he knows his mistakes. He also thinks that he is not old enough for me which is true. If he said he wants me back, I'll say no because I'm thinking with my head now first. I can't keep up with him now, maybe after a year or two, we both need some maturing to do.

 

I don't think he'll disrespect my NC but maybe just be weirded by it cos we ended the Skype happily and planned to continue to talk and Skype. But I think he'll understand.

 

Sounds horrid to be put on a pedestal and then having to live up to it. I'm glad you were wise enough to refuse. I've read somewhere that men need the fantasy thing more than women do and that is why so many men look for love online. He is a typical example by the sound of it. I also met my LDR online but never thought he'd be the perfect man. Just perfect for me is good enough . And vice versa.

 

Glad you are brutally honest with yourself, even though it shocks you.

 

You sound very strong and I wish you all the best. Let us know how you are coping.

[ohnoo]

@justwhoiam

Maybe I'll just have no definite period for NC cos even if I haven't moved on, I'm already firm on what I want and that is for us to be friends. I don't wanna be with him or with any other man for now. I'm dedicating this year for myself. I won't initiate contact with him so if he doesn't contact me EVER then that's fine but if he contacts me next week, I will reply out of respect. No mind games, no drama.

 

And yeah, no contact anymore is fine since if he gets a girlfriend it's probably gonna stop anyway. At first, I wanted to fizzle out the love after the break-up but now I'm getting the hang of not getting any messages from him. Knowing that we're on good terms and that we can reach out to each other WHEN NEEDED (big problems, advice, etc.) seems to be enough for me.

 

 

@TAV

Yeah, and expectations cos of the fantasy they've built in their heads can ruin relationships. I'm glad that things are looking good on your side, I hope you two will have a happy ending. Please make it happen! There should be more successful LDR stories. LOL! I wish I can also meet my perfect man someday.

 

I'm doing great.Thanks! Keeping myself productive.