Jump to content

One-sided distance


Recommended Posts

Is anyone else in a situation where they are desperately trying to close the distance between them and their partner and the partner seems to be happy to stay that way (miles apart).

 

This is tearing me apart. He says I should just be satisfied with the time we have together. He promises that he wants us to be together but really doesn't work to make it happen and everyone around me tells me he will NEVER move for us to be together because his life is just too comfortable this way. I am alone with 4 kids. I hate to believe that everyone else is right but his words and his behaviour don't match. He says he wants us to be together but doesn't make it happen. As long as I don't mention it, the weekends we have together are fantastic. As soon as I ask for more, he gets defensive and we fight.

 

I moved away for a well paid job three years ago and he promised he would join me and the kids (not his kids) as soon as possible. Now all I get is the accusation that there is something wrong with me for not being satisfied with blissful weekends.

 

I have never given him an ultimatum.

 

Where does this go? Do others have this same problem where the distance is convenient for one but not the other?

 

Thank you!

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist

Why would any self-respecting, hard-working, diligent and conscientious mother, settle for being second best, when she deserves to be placed upon a pedestal?

 

My dear, surely, you can see, even from your very own words, what little worth he places upon you.

Of course he enjoys the distance, because this gives him opportunity, from Monday - Friday, to entertain other young ladies who do not have your stringent responsibilities and commitments.

 

You are worth so much more than this.

Please, look to your own self-worth, and end this - well, it's not even a relationship, really... Is it?

 

With much Metta to you. Take care of yourself and your children.

You are a precious and valued being.

Do not discredit yourself.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you nobsbuddhist.

 

I should say that he has 2 children from a previous marriage, so it's not all about freedom and 'other women' where he is currently living. He is 2 hours away. I am not asking him to abandon his children. He can still see them.

 

My biggest problem is that, although it is clear to everyone else, he just will not admit that he doesn't want to come to live here. He makes promises and when I tell him it is obvious he just doesn't WANT to be here, he denies that. It makes it very hard for me to move on.

 

He won't come without a job waiting for him but we all know that he can't find a job without BEING here. It's a catch 22 and I know he's scared and guilty about his kids but I only moved away because he promised he was going to come with me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist

Two things I have hitherto learnt on here.

 

1) Actions speak louder than words,

 

and

 

2) He who cares the least, controls the most.

 

His actions against his words, speak volumes.

He cares less than you do; or else, he would be there like a shot, no?

 

I'm going to sound extremely un-compassionate and unsympathetic, but the opposite is true:

 

You have to drop this view, this rose-tinted desperate yearning, because it isn't going to happen the way you would like it to.

he doesn't make any moves, because in fact, he doesn't want to, and has no reason to.

The one doing all the running, is you.

Goodness, how exhausted you must be!

Juggling 5 children!

 

(Your four AND him!)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sam44,

 

Your bf doesn't want to move. 2-hours away is LD, but certainly not an impossible situation as you well know. He could be sending resumes, applications from where he is. I am 1500 miles from my gf and preparing to make a move to her in a couple of months. I have sent applications, resumes and will secure a new job. I interviewed over skype! Many companies understand that, some times, you can't make the long drive or flight for an interview, but in his case, he's only 2-hours away.

 

Is he even sending apps/resumes? If not, he's not really interested in moving.

 

I must also add, that your 4 children is also a factor. He may not admit it, but anyone who already has children (or not), the prospect of 4 more children is daunting. I suspect that making the move for him gets him much closer to committing to a relationship where he will need to commit to your children further. I suspect that he is balking at that to some level.

 

It's one thing when you are in the same town. He doesn't have to do anything dramatic like moving. I think he's not fully committed to the relationship as is.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You can do better.

 

 

 

 

Right now, the are men out there who, after a year or so together, would MAKE the effort to spend more time with you.

 

 

There are guys who would love a successful woman who is a good mother. Guys who would move to be with you and not leave you settling for "great weekends"

 

 

 

YOU need to show him with your actions that you can do better.

 

 

 

 

He may realise he made a huge mistake and he'll do whatever it takes to make you happy.

 

 

 

My bf lives 4 hours away and has a memory problem due to an injury, yet he makes time for me, he wouldn't go years without wanting to move in with me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine

Yes, he can secure a job without being "there".

 

I have just secured a job from 3000 miles away without setting foot in that city. I sent a resume, they interviewed over skype, checked my references over the phone and offered me a job. So it's by no means impossible, in fact it's fairly standard.

 

He doesn't want to close the distance because it means escalating commitment and for whatever reason he doesn't want that. LDRs are great as they give him best of both worlds. You are far more emotionally invested than he is and if I was in your position, I would stop investing right now.

 

He is stringing you along.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

In his line if work it's all about who you know. But you don't get to know people from 2 hours away. That's what I mean about not being able to find a job without being here.

 

But you're all right. His actions speak way louder than his words.

 

I just don't get why he can't just admit it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist

Because while he has you he has the opportunity to definitely have female companionship at the weekends, no matter what his interests during the week.

He can count on you to always be there for him.

I expect it is you who bends over backwards to make the weekends pleasant for him...

 

Besides, he is of the opinion that "if it's not broken, why, there's no need to fix it!"

 

he is perfectly content to permit matters to continue as they are.

And you must come to this realisation by yourself - it doesn't matter how much you protest, suggest, plead, reason or discuss to the contrary - a boulder cannot become a tree, simply because you wish it.

 

If he doesn't want to do this, you can plead until you're blue in the face and the cows come home.

He can dig his heels in and say no, and you can't do anything to change it to a yes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
pickflicker

The NoBSBuddhist has given you some excellent advice.

 

I think at this point, you're past the ultimatum. Just politely tell him that you're looking for more of a commitment, and you don't think he's able to provide it. No malice, no manipulation - just set it free.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

We're 5 years in now. It's not a new relationship. It's so right when we're together. It's so sad to have to let that go but I'm starting to lose respect for myself for tolerating his excuses. They are so logical (his excuses) and it's hard to argue when he's so convincing. But I don't think practical is everything. I'm a romantic. I believe in sticking together through whatever life throws at you, not waiting around til life throws you just the right circumstances to be together. I know he loves me. I know he'd rather be with me here than lose me but I think I have just made it so easy for him to have the best of both worlds and that's got to end. Thank you all for your advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist

Be Romantic - but don't be sentimental.

 

But yes, I understand this must be very difficult to break.

But honestly, it truly will be for the best....

Link to post
Share on other sites
InnocentMan

He has 2 of his own children, and it was YOU that moved, not him.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

2 hours is not LD by any stretch of the imagination. At most it's inconvenient.

 

 

LD to me is 4+hours or getting on a plane.

 

 

His actions should be telling you everything you need to know. He's not moving. So it's your choice to move back closer to him & farther from your work or give up. He's already made his choice. He's only in this while it's convenient for him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Innocent man, it was me who moved because he actually pushed me to go back to full-time work because we were struggling so much financially and his ex refused to work. There was no work locally in my field. We discussed it at length. He knew I had to look further afield. I would have stayed where I was. We agreed it was best for OUR long-term financial stability. I have a career and I needed to go back to work to support his kids and mine. He promised he would join me as soon as he got a job. That was 3 years ago. So it has nothing to do with me needing to be right "because I'm a woman". I have 4 kids and I financially keep 2 families afloat. If I were "playing the woman card" I'd be sat on my pretty arse asking to be spoon-fed. And he has two kids but I am not asking him to give them up (he chose part time parenting when he got divorced) but he wants to have his cake and eat it. Sorry to be so defensive. This is very painful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist

I think you have had more than enough time to consider your position, and his actions are merely a confirmation - and a repeated one, at that - that he has little or no intention at all, of placating you and meeting you half way, both geographically and emotionally.

 

I'm sad for you because you have invested so much effort into making this work, but sadly, the more you have put in, the less he has contributed.

 

For your sake, and the sake of your children (it is important they feel you are emotionally settled and content) break this off and tell him this cannot continue and that you have come to the end of the road.

Then close off all access to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
InnocentMan
Innocent man, it was me who moved because he actually pushed me to go back to full-time work because we were struggling so much financially and his ex refused to work. There was no work locally in my field. We discussed it at length. He knew I had to look further afield. I would have stayed where I was. We agreed it was best for OUR long-term financial stability. I have a career and I needed to go back to work to support his kids and mine. He promised he would join me as soon as he got a job. That was 3 years ago. So it has nothing to do with me needing to be right "because I'm a woman". I have 4 kids and I financially keep 2 families afloat. If I were "playing the woman card" I'd be sat on my pretty arse asking to be spoon-fed. And he has two kids but I am not asking him to give them up (he chose part time parenting when he got divorced) but he wants to have his cake and eat it. Sorry to be so defensive. This is very painful.

 

Why do you have to support his children? Is that not his duty, and his ex's? Three years is a long time to be apart, but asking him to leave his children is a big ask. Would you be happy only seeing your children once a week, or less? I don't think he's "having his cake and eating it". It's probably more he just wants to stay near his kids.

 

It's a fluid situation when children are involved, and they will eventually grow up and have more of their own lives, making it easier for you to be together. My comment was directed more at the posters just blindly siding with you, without seeing it from the man's point of view.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi Innocent Man. Thanks for taking the time to qualify your comments. Again, sorry to be so defensive. I get your point about his kids. I have invited him hundreds of times to admit to me that it's just too hard to move away from his kids but he will not stand up and say it. He still insists he wants to be with me but just can't move til he gets a job here. And he had 2 kids when I made the move (under pressure from him) so he knew what it was going to entail. I must have asked him a thousand times before I left whether he was sure about joining me (he knew I would not have gone). But he always insisted.

 

I think the other posters (and my family and friends) take "my side" not on the basis that he isn't moving here to be with me but that he continues to string me along pretending he's about to. Thanks for your input. I value it...if I only post on a forum for people to validate my own view, then I get nothing out of it. So you're right to offer an honest view.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell

I'm in a situation where it was his idea to move to be with me within a couple of years but he didn't move and we've been together 4 years now, he stopped talking about moving a long time ago, we live in different countries, I see him every other month, my ideal would be to see him every weekend, so I envy your situation, if my partner lived 2 hours drive/train for me it would mean the world to me.

But I can see you need more, which is fair enough.

I need more too, but I still love what we have enough to not walk away yet, but there's now a limit to how long I can do this for. It is hurtful knowing they won't or can't make the move, but I can't make the move either, so he's no worse.

I don't know if my partner is ok with the situation, he seems to be as he's a loner anyway, sometimes I think he could do this forever, I've no idea, I just know I can't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell

Mine gets defensive too and breaks up with me if I talk about the future, so I don't talk about it anymore. In his defence he's broken up with me 2 or 3 times as he felt he couldn't give me what I need, but I talked my way back and said it would be ok.

It annoyed me that it was his idea in the first place to move, but was too soon for me to think about it, but when I came around to the idea he had cold feet and felt 'backed into a corner' :eek: That got to me and annoyed me, especially as I'd told him I did not want to talk about it so early on but he pushed me into it, and as soon as I talked about it he stopped talking about it.

I feel he took our future together away from us and withdrawn other things bit by bit, and I feel resentful, but I squash it all down as I still have feelings for him.

Yes, I think the distance is convenient for my partner, even though he said he has no life and is depressed, he doesn't have the courage, motivation, willpower and maybe doesn't have strong enough feelings for me, who knows.

We don't even kids as an excuse.

 

 

Is anyone else in a situation where they are desperately trying to close.As long as I don't mention it, the weekends we have together are fantastic. As soon as I ask for more, he gets defensive and we fight.

 

I moved away for a well paid job three years ago and he promised he would join me and the kids (not his kids) as soon as possible. Now all I get is the accusation that there is something wrong with me for not being satisfied with blissful weekends.

 

I have never given him an ultimatum.

 

Where does this go? Do others have this same problem where the distance is convenient for one but not the other?

 

Thank you!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

HeavenOrHell, that sounds tough. What's really not healthy (I know because I do it daily) is pushing all your feelings down and not talking about it. If your relationship is only good while you just keep smiling, it's based on unsolid ground. All that stuff you're keeping inside turns into resentment. One fine day (for you, not him) you will wake up and the love inside will be gone. In its place will be rot. And believe me, it's not like a flame that went out that just needs to be rekindled, it's rot. It's dead and no matter how much you it he want it to come back, it never will. From your perspective it means you can then walk away without so much pain.

 

The trouble with a LDR is that when you only have limited time together you end up burying so many feelings because you don't want to spoil the precious little time you have together. But then it's not real. And you may walk away feeling as though you've betrayed yourself.

 

A relationship has to be about how two people navigate the hard times and deal with problems. It can't just be measures by how well you get along when the going is good. Any fool can sustain a "perfect" relationship but it takes real love (and I don't mean romantic love I mean true altruistic love) to sustain the real challenges that life throws at you.

 

I will keep on fighting for this one because our feelings are very strong and I know he is a good man deep down. He has responded to a situation that was supposed to be temporary and "unbearable" but quickly became quite comfortable. He has never actually had to contemplate whether life alone without being loved, even from a distance, would be unbearable. It sounds like you tried that angle but to be honest it seems like you caved in (you said you ended up talking him round) before you/he really had the chance to see whether being separated would push him to move.

 

Frankly, I find that kind of approach too painful because the end result could be them coming along under duress and then throwing it in your face every time life gets bumpy. On the other hand, basic human psychology will tell you that a behaviour will continue as long as it is rewarded. And you and I reward these 'partners' amply. I know mine feels like a king when we are together (I have to admit he generally makes me feel like a Queen but, like you, only if I "just keep smiling" and keep my mouth shut about the future).

 

I really hope you find a solution. I am tired of feeling inadequate. Today I'm goin to let my partner know exactly what I'm feeling inside. No ultimatums, just information about how deeply this distance and his reluctance is affecting me. No demands. Just information. A man who really loves you will respond to that and if he can't, you really don't want to be with him

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist

A relationship has to be about how two people navigate the hard times and deal with problems. ....

I will keep on fighting for this one because our feelings are very strong and I know he is a good man deep down.

 

....... I reward these 'partners' amply. I know mine feels like a king when we are together (I have to admit he generally makes me feel like a Queen but, like you, only if I "just keep smiling" and keep my mouth shut about the future).

 

 

...I am tired of feeling inadequate. Today I'm goin to let my partner know exactly what I'm feeling inside. No ultimatums, just information about how deeply this distance and his reluctance is affecting me. No demands. Just information. A man who really loves you will respond to that and if he can't, you really don't want to be with him

 

It distresses me to see that you are still willing to play into this heartbreak.

You have been told countless times by those closest to you, that he is playing with your heart, and has been doing so for a long time....

You have been told the same thing here, by people who have successfully perceived your dilemma in a relatively short time. Sadly, we echo the opinions you have received all along...

 

All you are doing is drawing yet ANOTHER line in the sand and daring him to step over it.... look at how many lines you have drawn, and see just how many times he has done so....

 

Yet, once again, you are going to bare your heart to him.

You really think his response is going to be any different to the responses he has ALWAYS given you so far?

 

You say this is not an ultimatum, just an expression, an explanation...information on how this is affecting you.

 

Has your approach to him on this matter ever been anything different?

What makes your heart-sentiment different now?

You have not changed your heart's desire.

And he will not change his response.

 

Rather than focus on - yet again - expressing your inner feelings and desires - it would be more productive to turn the spotlight on yourself and ask yourself:

Why are you so dependent on this?

 

What frightens you about letting go?

Why do you fear severing the ties, as everyone has advised you should?

What makes you such a masochist in suppressing what your heart yearns for, for a man who clearly is not concerned in the least, with how your heart is feeling?

 

You are merely proposing to go over old ground; ground that has been tilled, weeded, furrowed, turned, ploughed and worked until it is barren and fruitless.

 

Yet still you seek the harvest.

 

You need to turn your attention to fresh fields, for nothing here will bear fruit.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist

How are things with you today....?

I think of your dilemma. I even recited some Mantras for you.....

 

I hope you are well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Edit: Ah, okay, sorry, just read that you can't get any work at all in his area. I was going to ask why you couldn't move back instead.

 

Do you feel that seeing each other every 2 days out of 7 is unsustainable? IMO I wouldn't consider that to really be a LDR, but each to their own. Is it possible that he doesn't find it to be a strain at all?

 

Good luck with your talk, hopefully you manage to hash out a mutually acceptable decision.

Edited by Elswyth
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...