Do you think she could change her mind?

[Chewbacca]

First of all, thank you for reading this, it is much appreciated:

 

On a summer holiday, I came across a girl from the hotel who found me on a social media site, despite not talking to each other (she came on holiday not long before I left). We are both college students (I'm a year older). We have spoken to each other almost every day for 5 months via text message & occassionally skype. She's smart, nice, cute, and she feels special to me (unlike most girls that I have known). She smiles when I speak to her & seems happy.

 

We've been very close for those 5 months, and I really didn't want this to end. Recently I asked when would you like to meet up and she said in the summer, which I agreed to as we have exams before-hand. I said it would take time & I want to take it slow as it's difficult, but we can do it, and I might be moving not far from her to a University in September (possibly). I've asked this a few months back too so I kept waiting patiently. She seemed shy about it & barely made eye contact. We used to Skype a lot, laugh a lot and smile a lot. She said I felt special to her & always make her smile a few weeks ago, because she was really down about her education. Then, I made the effort to speak to her when I was on holiday so she wouldn't miss me. We've talked for ages & I've been nice to her, when she was down. However..

 

She has said I trust her & she trusts me & I would wait for her, but now I've asked to call her, she says she is busy and became more unavailable, and says it more commonly. A week later without talking, she texts:

I'll have to blunt saying this but I want to end it.. It was nice to know you.. I'll struggle with distance.. couldn't cope going further... we're bound to mKe people who make us feel happy.. hope to continue still being friends.

She didn't want to call either which is more disappointing.

She has gone from messaging me every day to barely talking to me for almost 2 weeks and suddenly says this.

 

If I'm honest, I feel unbelievably sad and hurt, I couldn't believe it. Is there any way it could work or she'd come back to me in the future? I don't think she realises how much effort I put into this & what she is missing out on. It was a strange and 'selfish' way of ending it, and I'm struggling to move on. Will she still be friends? I'm not somebody who can move on from someone quickly, especially with my commitment. This is the first time I've truly believed I could've been in a fantastic relationship, maybe she could mature and realise what she has lost? What do you think?

[pteromom]

It will never work. She's a human. You are a wookiee.

 

Seriously though, her comment about "finding people who make us feel happy" leads me to believe that she started dating someone close by her. Her lack of communication with you suggests she has someone else to put her energy into.

 

I'm sorry.

[haribogumsnickers]

I'm very sorry to hear that she gave up when you were making the effort to move things forward. That sucks major dirt. At least she presumably told you the truth that she can't do the LDR. Respect her decision but...if you really want her, go visit her and tell her how you feel. That's what I would do. Maybe not the smartest move but I'm a sucker at stuff like this. Do what you feel is best for yourself amigo. Good luck.

[haribogumsnickers]

It will never work. She's a human. You are a wookiee.

 

Wookies have feelings too you know. You must be a Klingon.

[ExpatInItaly]

It will never work. She's a human. You are a wookiee.

 

Seriously though, her comment about "finding people who make us feel happy" leads me to believe that she started dating someone close by her. Her lack of communication with you suggests she has someone else to put her energy into.

 

I'm sorry.

 

That was my first thought too.

 

OP, I'm sorry, and I know it hurts, but she's been honest that she can't see a future with you. It likely is not a reflection of you, but circumstances that make it difficult to have a relationship. She might change her mind, since anything is possible. But I wouldn't wait around for her.

[HeavenOrHell]

I am sorry you're feeling hurt, but I do understand why she is doing this, most people can't handle LDR's, and she's been honest with you and said she'll struggle with the distance, which is very common and very understandable. I don't think she suddenly said it as she barely spoken to you for 2 weeks before that, so was backing away bit by bit.

If you're not meeting for the first time until Summer that is a long time to wait since you first started talking, would also be a long time if you had already met.

I think she is being realistic and sensible.

She knows she's missing out on all the problems which can come with LDR's.

I know you're feeling hurt, but it doesn't sound like she was selfish from what you wrote here.

 

I think it's best for you both to not be friends, for now at least as you'll still be wanting more and that's too painful for you and she'd be feeling bad as she can't give you want you want (a r/ship).

 

I wish I could say something to make it easier

 

Try not to over think and dwell on things, meet up with friends and keep occupied, of course you will still miss her, but please just keep moving forward.

 

First of all, thank you for reading this, it is much appreciated:

 

On a summer holiday, I came across a girl from the hotel who found me on a social media site, despite not talking to each other (she came on holiday not long before I left). We are both college students (I'm a year older). We have spoken to each other almost every day for 5 months via text message & occassionally skype. She's smart, nice, cute, and she feels special to me (unlike most girls that I have known). She smiles when I speak to her & seems happy.

 

We've been very close for those 5 months, and I really didn't want this to end. Recently I asked when would you like to meet up and she said in the summer, which I agreed to as we have exams before-hand. I said it would take time & I want to take it slow as it's difficult, but we can do it, and I might be moving not far from her to a University in September (possibly). I've asked this a few months back too so I kept waiting patiently. She seemed shy about it & barely made eye contact. We used to Skype a lot, laugh a lot and smile a lot. She said I felt special to her & always make her smile a few weeks ago, because she was really down about her education. Then, I made the effort to speak to her when I was on holiday so she wouldn't miss me. We've talked for ages & I've been nice to her, when she was down. However..

 

She has said I trust her & she trusts me & I would wait for her, but now I've asked to call her, she says she is busy and became more unavailable, and says it more commonly. A week later without talking, she texts:

I'll have to blunt saying this but I want to end it.. It was nice to know you.. I'll struggle with distance.. couldn't cope going further... we're bound to mKe people who make us feel happy.. hope to continue still being friends.

She didn't want to call either which is more disappointing.

She has gone from messaging me every day to barely talking to me for almost 2 weeks and suddenly says this.

 

If I'm honest, I feel unbelievably sad and hurt, I couldn't believe it. Is there any way it could work or she'd come back to me in the future? I don't think she realises how much effort I put into this & what she is missing out on. It was a strange and 'selfish' way of ending it, and I'm struggling to move on. Will she still be friends? I'm not somebody who can move on from someone quickly, especially with my commitment. This is the first time I've truly believed I could've been in a fantastic relationship, maybe she could mature and realise what she has lost? What do you think?

[justwhoiam]

Is there any way it could work or she'd come back to me in the future?

Be less available. If she comes back, don't act as if you don't have a life. Be vague, but don't be a jerk. Just be nice and not too interested.

 

I guess you were too needy and the connection was moving too fast and too demanding in terms of time spent in touch with one another. You had to keep it slow until the first meeting.

 

I don't think she realises how much effort I put into this

Of course she does. And that might be part of the problem. I know it sounds absurd, but it was getting too serious too soon for a virtual relationship.

 

It was a strange and 'selfish' way of ending it

No doubt. But she also needs to protect herself. After all, you were pursuing your goal. She needs to keep to her own resolutions.

 

Will she still be friends?

Personally, I would discourage being friends. Let her at least miss you and think about it. If you keep being around, she won't have a chance to miss you and think if she did the wrong thing.

 

What do you think?

How old is she? If she's 16, she's right.

[Chewbacca]

Be less available. I guess you were too needy.

 

I tried my best not to be too needy. Waiting until the summer would've been difficult for me as she could've easily changed her mind. Plus, I have exams to worry about and therefore the contact would've decreased during this period.

 

Thanks for the feedback guys, it's much appreciated. I did everything I could Nd I believed I gave her enough time. Even just to see her would've been great.

 

Question: If I cut off contact for quite a while or just be nice if she messages me, is there a chance she could come back? I sound needy saying this but the effort I have made deserves more ?

[justwhoiam]

Be. Less. Available.

If she texts you, text back the next day. Don't revolve around her. Show her you have a life. You let her in the past, but now she's out. She might rethink her decision... and she might even think that, after all, you were not so into her if you forgot about her that easily... But the truth is there's little you can do what with the distance and what with a girl not wanting you as a "boyfriend".

[Chewbacca]

Be. Less. Available.

If she texts you, text back the next day. Don't revolve around her. Show her you have a life. You let her in the past, but now she's out. She might rethink her decision... and she might even think that, after all, you were not so into her if you forgot about her that easily... But the truth is there's little you can do what with the distance and what with a girl not wanting you as a "boyfriend".

 

Thanks for your input! It will just seem really strange when we rarely start talking to eachother. I believe the worst has yet to hit her, as it may seem odd to her that we are distant.

[fireman81]

Our culture, emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values. People don't have to be so pessimistic about long-distance romance,

 

The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy, and their efforts do pay back.

[Chewbacca]

Our culture, emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values. People don't have to be so pessimistic about long-distance romance,

 

The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy, and their efforts do pay back.

 

Exactly. I prefer long distance relationships as you are more likely to find a person that attracts you, & I don't particularly like being with someone all the time. I like to have space.

 

For example, there are numerous girls that have liked me throughout my teenage years, but they were either immature or they were somebody I just couldn't see being special or nice. I like to make the effort for people who attract me despite the distance. I just wish my effort deserved something from this, because it would be a fantastic experience, even just to meet her alone! Who knows, she may or may not come back. If I move to a University that is actually not that far away from her, it would be wonderful, if she still had interest.

[ExpatInItaly]

Exactly. I prefer long distance relationships as you are more likely to find a person that attracts you, & I don't particularly like being with someone all the time. I like to have space.

 

For example, there are numerous girls that have liked me throughout my teenage years, but they were either immature or they were somebody I just couldn't see being special or nice. I like to make the effort for people who attract me despite the distance. I just wish my effort deserved something from this, because it would be a fantastic experience, even just to meet her alone! Who knows, she may or may not come back. If I move to a University that is actually not that far away from her, it would be wonderful, if she still had interest.

 

OP, for the time being, you need to respect her wishes. Do not contact her right now, if you were considering doing so. She evidently didn't feel the same way as you, and she doesn't prefer long-distance. As for universities, choose a school that offers the best potential for your future. Try as best as you can to put her out of your mind. It isn't happening at this time.

[Chewbacca]

OP, for the time being, you need to respect her wishes. Do not contact her right now, if you were considering doing so. She evidently didn't feel the same way as you, and she doesn't prefer long-distance. As for universities, choose a school that offers the best potential for your future. Try as best as you can to put her out of your mind. It isn't happening at this time.

 

There is no doubt I will only choose the university I go to based on my results & future prospects. I'm just saying it could be a coincidence.

 

It was quite clear she liked me & loved my company earlier on in the friendship through her body language etc, I think it just became a bit stale as I didn't have much else to say, and she is not that talkative always. She seemed to be scared of getting hurt and she said she was scared of hurting me, which left me wondering for months whether she wanted to take this friendship further. Even if I stayed friends with her, I wish I could have the opportunity to meet up.

[Chewbacca]

That was my first thought too.

 

OP, I'm sorry, and I know it hurts, but she's been honest that she can't see a future with you. It likely is not a reflection of you, but circumstances that make it difficult to have a relationship. She might change her mind, since anything is possible. But I wouldn't wait around for her.

 

You guys may be correct. I still have a feeling that she has gained interest in someone she has known through school. I remember her talking about him on one occasion being friends, and saying that a lot of people believed he was actually gay.

 

Now if I'm right, I can understand that she would go for someone closer but it makes me feel pretty hurt and vulnerable despite agreeing to meet in the future. When they were younger, they were prom-dates too. She seems to have a few guy friends that don't seem to be lets say 'masculine,' and he is one of them.

If it does turn out to be that way, I hate knowing that despite my commitment and it's difficult to keep my opinion on that to her.

 

She can sometimes be the type of girl who is emotionally immature and doesn't know where her head is.

[Chewbacca]

I think I may have to remove her from my social media sites just for now, it has hurt me really. I couldn't have done more for her and I wish to call her at least, but I doubt she will. Is there a secret to making her speak to me?

[justwhoiam]

I guess indifference is your best "weapon". If you can bear that, don't remove her, just do as if she never existed. I know it's hard. If you really can't stand that though, then go on and remove her.

[Chewbacca]

I guess indifference is your best "weapon". If you can bear that, don't remove her, just do as if she never existed. I know it's hard. If you really can't stand that though, then go on and remove her.

 

Well I think removing her completely felt like a good move at first, but I'll keep her on my social media as it's a bit extreme. It's just an awful feeling haha

[CC12]

OP, I noticed that several times throughout this thread, you've said things like "But I was so committed and I put in so much effort. I deserve more." That way of thinking is flawed. You're not owed anyone's time or affection. You can do everything right, and people are still free to walk away from you at any time. It doesn't feel fair sometimes, but she didn't do anything wrong. It just didn't work out.

 

I hope you can keep this in mind for this relationship and any future relationships. I think letting go of blame and anger will help you heal much faster. Not that you seem particularly angry at her, but feeling like you were cheated out of something must just make you feel worse, no?

[Chewbacca]

OP, I noticed that several times throughout this thread, you've said things like "But I was so committed and I put in so much effort. I deserve more." That way of thinking is flawed. You're not owed anyone's time or affection. You can do everything right, and people are still free to walk away from you at any time. It doesn't feel fair sometimes, but she didn't do anything wrong. It just didn't work out.

 

I hope you can keep this in mind for this relationship and any future relationships. I think letting go of blame and anger will help you heal much faster. Not that you seem particularly angry at her, but feeling like you were cheated out of something must just make you feel worse, no?

 

Yeah I did feel cheated out of it to be honest, but like you said, it just hasn't worked out. She did seem really interested in me, but once I brought up meeting up again she seemed a bit awkward about it, despite making her feel comfortable previously. She isn't 18 yet so you could argue she isn't fully grown up, it's a big step, but the way it was handled seemed strange & hurtful. I wish I could do more.

[Chewbacca]

Hi guys,

I'm finding it difficult to lose feelings for her, is there any way I can reduce my feelings for her?

I try not to dwell on it. The situation still seems bizarre & it doesn't feel like it has ended, if you know what I mean?

[justwhoiam]

Get busy with other stuff. Keep your mind occupied. Get more work. Get out more. Arrange things with friends. Arrange trips and go to events as much as you can. Hide or get rid of things that remind you of her.

[Chewbacca]

Get busy with other stuff. Keep your mind occupied. Get more work. Get out more. Arrange things with friends. Arrange trips and go to events as much as you can. Hide or get rid of things that remind you of her.

 

It seems to be pretty much over, which really frustrates me. She hasn't spoke to me since. I regret bringing up about meeting a few weeks after saying I wanted to take it slow, but I wasn't trying to be pushy. I feel like I'm in the wrong but others are saying she messed me about, as I had to wait for a long time for her approval.

[justwhoiam]

But the most important thing is: had she been in love with you, she wouldn't have gotten rid of you the first chance she got.

 

So be cool about it. Even if she had been still around, it was not love and was a dead story.

 

You'll find someone else.

[Chewbacca]

But the most important thing is: had she been in love with you, she wouldn't have gotten rid of you the first chance she got.

 

So be cool about it. Even if she had been still around, it was not love and was a dead story.

 

You'll find someone else.

 

I already gave her my first chance over a month before I asked her, then I asked again but in a conversational way. Around then, she was becoming more distant, but what more does she want from me? I helped her, spent a lot of time with her (ok yes I should've been less available at times which I was to begin with). I just don't understand why she didn't say this to begin with, instead of playing around with my head for weeks and weeks. I was good to her, I did my very best. I think she'll regret it, do you think?