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Long distance relationship...how long is too long?


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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now and live about 4 hours apart. When we first started dating, he thought he could easily transfer within his company to where I live. If moving was an option for me, I would be trying to find a job where he is, but there is just not a single job in my field because it's such a small town. He really wants to move to my city because he loves it there and there are way more job options for him. He says he wants to move here, but it just isn't happening. He has been looking for about a year and a half and has met and talked with people in his company branch in my city and they just don't seem to be taking him seriously. He's started applying to other places -- according to him several a week -- and in the past year has had one interview and didn't get that job.

 

The problem is that I'm starting to get really stressed out that he's been trying that hard and isn't even getting interviews. When we first started dating, it didn't seem like the long distance thing would last for long, because he wanted to transfer to where I am and thought it would be a lot easier than it turned out to be. It's really starting to get to me because people are starting to ask me if he's even really trying. I think that he is but now I'm starting to wonder. Should it really be this hard??

 

Most of my friends are getting married and having kids, or at least moving in with boyfriends/girlfriends, so it's starting to get really lonely during the week and the weekends that I don't see him. I love him so much but the stress is starting to get to me and I feel so depressed sometimes because I don't know if our situation will ever change. I want to get married and have kids and I want all that with him but I don't know how much longer I should continue to wait and hope that he is finally able to move. I just wonder if I'm putting my life on hold for something that would never happen. I've tried talking to him about it and he just got really sad and said he is trying as hard as he can and is getting really frustrated too. I don't want to break up but I can't stay in this situation as it is for much longer because of the stress it's putting on me. I know two years doesn't seem like that long, but the fact that he's been trying to move for over a year and isn't having any luck really worries me :(

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Economically, I guess you could be anywhere.

 

But if you're in the UK, your situation doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

At the age of 52, my H has been looking for a job for 3-and-a-half years, comprising his considerable skills.

 

So far, no joy.

 

You have my sympathies, but I'm not quite sure, short of that, what anyone can advise you to do....

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I'm in the same boat, but been doing this for 4 years, but he's not looking for a job in my country anymore (I'm UK, he's Netherlands) he was going to transfer a couple of years ago, his idea, I felt it was far too early to be talking about it, he was full of enthusiasm, but job transfer fell through and he's had cold feet since then, he was head hunted into his last job, I don't think it would be very hard for him to find something in this country, but he doesn't have the courage, either that or doesn't want to enough, which doesn't do much for my self esteem. You're lucky that your partner is at least trying very hard.

We have a close r/ship, but only seeing him every 6-10 weeks isn't good.

 

How often do you see him?

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Economically, I guess you could be anywhere.

 

But if you're in the UK, your situation doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

At the age of 52, my H has been looking for a job for 3-and-a-half years, comprising his considerable skills.

 

So far, no joy.

 

You have my sympathies, but I'm not quite sure, short of that, what anyone can advise you to do....

 

I am the the same boat, after doing GCSEs and degrees in computing. I have been unemployed for a year and had to take JSA. Now I moved to America for job but still out of luck so I might go to college or start a business with my skills.

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Frankly, the people who are asking if he's really trying should butt out, it's none of their business, if *you* know he's trying hard to find a job there that's all that matters. If you're starting to wonder if he is making all that effort I think you need to ask him if he has cold feet.

 

When my friends used say to my partner it's time he moved over, I cringed massively knowing how pressured he would feel, I mean his family could equally ask me why I'm not moving to him, I have my own reasons for not moving and I'm sure you have yours, but even so it is a huge pressure on our partners to be the ones doing the moving, my partner doesn't have much confidence and moving countries would be a major deal for him.

 

 

The problem is that I'm starting to get really stressed out that he's been trying that hard and isn't even getting interviews. When we first started dating, it didn't seem like the long distance thing would last for long, because he wanted to transfer to where I am and thought it would be a lot easier than it turned out to be. It's really starting to get to me because people are starting to ask me if he's even really trying. I think that he is but now I'm starting to wonder. Should it really be this hard??

 

(

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But if you're in the UK, your situation doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

At the age of 52, my H has been looking for a job for 3-and-a-half years, comprising his considerable skills.

If you are unemployed over 50 you are pretty much screwed anywhere. Your choice is self-employment or B&Q.

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I'm in the same boat, but been doing this for 4 years, but he's not looking for a job in my country anymore (I'm UK, he's Netherlands) ... We have a close r/ship, but only seeing him every 6-10 weeks isn't good.

I didn't realize he was so close to you. I saw my ex that often or even sooner and I live in the US and he was in the UK.

 

As a doctor he could live anywhere in the world if he wanted to. Talk about the perfect job to have in that case. The NHS needs doctors who can speak English and most Dutch people I've met speak perfect English.

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My H and I currently are registered with our local JobCentre.

we have to show evidence of 30 attempts/week, at finding employment.

We have been invited to attend a seminar for job seekers, and what careers are available for us to seek educating/training in.

These careers are usually for people aged 18 - 30.

We also have a 'careers talk' with our own personal adviser, and when she made our appointment, she smiled wryly, as if to say "fat lot of use that's going to be for you guys...."

 

A lot of the jobs advertised on the JobSeeker's new website invite people with HGV licences, (and their own trucks) to apply for possible haulage jobs, apprenticeships or self-employed applicants to increase their turnover by either advertising themselves on the site, or joining forces with other self-employed individuals in the same line of work.

 

Jobs - do NOT exist.

 

Furthermore, the employment trend is falling. That is to say, up to now, many employers were engaging new staff, frequently on 'zero hour' contracts, from the ranks of the unemployed.

 

This has now reached saturation point, and companies are now shuffling internal existing employees and inviting them to apply for different posts internally. But if it's a new position, they are obliged by law, to advertise generally.

 

I have been caught out by this 'scam' twice, and my H three times.... we have applied for jobs only for them to be allocated to existing employees.

 

we know, because we had the balls, temerity and sheer front to check. And to their credit, the companies admitted their actions.

It's not llegal, so 'no harm done, eh...?'

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So that is why they are importing Bulgarians and Romanians to the UK. Don't get me started! It makes my blood boil and I don't live there (yet).

 

To the OP: why not look for jobs for him in your city? Two pairs of eyes are better than one. Alternatively, why not both of you pack up and move somewhere entirely different together?

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So that is why they are importing Bulgarians and Romanians to the UK. Don't get me started! It makes my blood boil and I don't live there (yet).

Yeah....oooooh---Kay...... :D

 

To the OP: why not look for jobs for him in your city? Two pairs of eyes are better than one. Alternatively, why not both of you pack up and move somewhere entirely different together?

 

Yes, apologies OP, I guess my post began as a 'don't worry, you're not alone, your story is sadly common' kind of thing.

Didn't mean to divert the attention completely.

 

I sadly, therefore, can't help feeling that 'moving somewhere entirely different together' is just going to shift the problem sideways, and possibly make it worse.

If unemployment is rife in most Western '1st World' countries - where exactly could they go??

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Maybe you had more money than we have and more able to get time off work, maybe one of you wasn't agoraphobic, not sure what your point is in saying you saw your ex more often, to make me feel bad I guess, well thanks for that.

He's not a doctor, but the job he has is pretty easy to get in this country.

 

 

I didn't realize he was so close to you. I saw my ex that often or even sooner and I live in the US and he was in the UK.

 

As a doctor he could live anywhere in the world if he wanted to. Talk about the perfect job to have in that case. The NHS needs doctors who can speak English and most Dutch people I've met speak perfect English.

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You mean Bulgarians and Romanians shouldn't be able to move to the UK but you'll move here if you choose to :rolleyes:

 

 

 

So that is why they are importing Bulgarians and Romanians to the UK. Don't get me started! It makes my blood boil and I don't live there (yet).

 

QUOTE]

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Hi HOH. I'm in a LDR kinda reversed from yours; I'm Dutch and he is from the UK. I read some of your posts and love how you believe so strongly in your relationship despite the setbacks. I just wanted to say I agree with your point about other people butting into the relationship. I am quite steadfast in my beliefs and have always followed my heart in all matters in life but my boyfriend suffers more by the things people say despite most of his family now in support of us since they can clearly tell that having me in his life makes his life better despite the distance. This thing is hard enough without having other people give an unfounded opinion usually just made to make themselves feel better about their own private life.

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Thank you :) I appreciate your post!

I do believe strongly in it as we do have something special and beautiful, we are closer than ever, however it is tearing me apart as I don't like not being with him most of the time, not sure I want to stay alone the rest of my life (I'm late 40's now). I have bad depression over it lately, told him I need time out. I don't think we'll last much longer, although he seems ok with things, and I don't want to give up, but my heart is too sad and weary. I'm seeing him in 3 weeks for 2 weeks, I'm not sure it's a good idea anymore.

 

I don't mind if it's close friends showing concern for me, but when it's people who know very little, or nothing about the situation and they give judgements on it then I wish they would butt out.

 

How often are you able to meet up with your partner, do you think you'll be able to live closer in time?

 

Wishing you all the best :)

 

 

Hi HOH. I'm in a LDR kinda reversed from yours; I'm Dutch and he is from the UK. I read some of your posts and love how you believe so strongly in your relationship despite the setbacks. I just wanted to say I agree with your point about other people butting into the relationship. I am quite steadfast in my beliefs and have always followed my heart in all matters in life but my boyfriend suffers more by the things people say despite most of his family now in support of us since they can clearly tell that having me in his life makes his life better despite the distance. This thing is hard enough without having other people give an unfounded opinion usually just made to make themselves feel better about their own private life.
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I don't mind if it's close friends showing concern for me, but when it's people who know very little, or nothing about the situation and they give judgements on it then I wish they would butt out.

Then don't post on public forums where people are expected to express their opinions. :rolleyes:

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OP, the definition of 'too long' should really be up to you, and not anyone else. Push away all the noise from the busybodies in your life, and think about what YOU want. Do you feel you would be happy in this R if things continue this way?

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HOH, please go and see him. Only then you will know how you really feel. I think it is not so much the distance that is tearing you apart but the fact that he is ok with the situation the way it is; for you that is incomprehensible.

 

Me and my boyfriend try to see each other every other month though we recently hit a rough patch; he is going through a serious depression too, not only because of our situation but also because he has other personal problems. He tried to hide the depression from me at first, even during a weekend I spent with him and that made me feel awful when I found out. I'm trying to help him get to a better place and we'll see from there where we go.

 

The plan was for me to move to the UK eventually. I work for an international company and actually work daily with my UK colleagues and when I told them my boyfriend comes from the UK they said immediately to come and work with them. I don't have any family here apart from my kids and my friends all say they will pop over regularly. He is very close to his extended family, does not speak any Dutch :p so it seems the logical thing to do. Though we love them very much, our biggest obstacle is our children, who all still go to school. We originally became friends because we had the same issues with our children hitting puberty and have always admired each other's parenting skills so it is ironic that that is the thing that is keeping us apart.

 

It will take a lot of patience, heartache and money to survive the next years and if he gets to a better place we have to find out if he is cut from the right cloth to go the extra mile.

 

I know I won't easily meet a man that is such a good match as he is; we both have endured a lot in our life (we are both in our 40s too) and understand some things that others probably would not. We both don't easily open up to other people but are never finished talking to each other. Anyway, I can tell that you understand how that feels. My boyfriend is certainly not perfect, like your man isn't but he is perfect for me. Like yours, I think.

 

Sorry for the long reply :p And in someone else's thread too!

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OP, the definition of 'too long' should really be up to you, and not anyone else. Push away all the noise from the busybodies in your life, and think about what YOU want. Do you feel you would be happy in this R if things continue this way?

 

I agree. It's a 'how long is a piece of string' question.

 

Most people think any LDR is crazy.

Some people think more than a few months is too much.

Some people will say 'up to a year'.

Others will say two years is the limit.

 

Being in a LDR, other people will always question it unless they've experienced it themselves. It really doesn't matter what other people think though - it's your life not theirs.

 

I've been in my (currently 10,000+ mile) LDR for over four years. It's mostly finances and lack of jobs that is keeping us apart these days but we're still happy. We may not be together full time for another ten years, who knows, but we're both in it for the long haul and we deal with any obstacles as they come up. We're just the same as any other committed couple - but we have to travel further for our 'dates'. :laugh: I can't imagine my life without him and vice versa.

 

In my opinion, provided your relationship is working and you're happy together, there is no such thing as 'too long'.

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I was talking mostly about people IRL.

 

And or forums I tend to ask some info first before answering someone's post.

 

 

Then don't post on public forums where people are expected to express their opinions. :rolleyes:
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You are lucky you are both so determined. I think commitment on both parts is all it takes to make it last and be something positive instead of a reason for heartache and pain. You cannot carry the relationship on your own, like any relationship. It is uplifting to read stories like yours. Thank you.

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One big difference between your situation and mine; I'm still with my partner.

 

 

I didn't realize he was so close to you. I saw my ex that often or even sooner and I live in the US and he was in the UK.

 

As a doctor he could live anywhere in the world if he wanted to. Talk about the perfect job to have in that case. The NHS needs doctors who can speak English and most Dutch people I've met speak perfect English.

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Thank you, we have split up before, though usually only for a few days, we've got closer and closer over the years despite everything, but no idea what the future will being.

He's looking forward to me going over soon, our visits are always so lovely and special.

 

 

 

You are lucky you are both so determined. I think commitment on both parts is all it takes to make it last and be something positive instead of a reason for heartache and pain. You cannot carry the relationship on your own, like any relationship. It is uplifting to read stories like yours. Thank you.
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He says he wants to move here, but it just isn't happening. He has been looking for about a year and a half and has met and talked with people in his company branch in my city and they just don't seem to be taking him seriously. He's started applying to other places -- according to him several a week -- and in the past year has had one interview and didn't get that job.
The goal should be a shared goal, not just up on him. You could help him. You could get lists of companies in your area, depending on the field he'd like to work in. You could set up some filters with your own email on some websites for job searches, so that you get notifications by email once a day. You could visit and talk to some headhunters/job agencies locally. Anything that can speed up the process. Also: is he sending out resumes with an out of state address? Or with his current address anyway? He should send out CVs with YOUR address, that way he would get more chances to be hired where you live. Also, when he mentions his current occupation, he can mention the company name, without stating the location. In short, get smart, to do your best to get interviews and job opportunities. And you can actively help him in the process.

 

It's really starting to get to me because people are starting to ask me if he's even really trying. I think that he is but now I'm starting to wonder.

...

Most of my friends are getting married and having kids, or at least moving in with boyfriends/girlfriends

...

I can't stay in this situation as it is for much longer

Honestly, if you are taking the LDR this way, it's better for you to break up today. Really, this day. Because a LDR needs patience. And you need not to be affected by external pressures, from either friends or society itself.

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nomadic_butterfly
Hi HOH. I'm in a LDR kinda reversed from yours; I'm Dutch and he is from the UK. I read some of your posts and love how you believe so strongly in your relationship despite the setbacks. I just wanted to say I agree with your point about other people butting into the relationship. I am quite steadfast in my beliefs and have always followed my heart in all matters in life but my boyfriend suffers more by the things people say despite most of his family now in support of us since they can clearly tell that having me in his life makes his life better despite the distance. This thing is hard enough without having other people give an unfounded opinion usually just made to make themselves feel better about their own private life.

 

LOL but it's weird/ironic to ask for advice and then tell people to "butt out," no?

 

I think people should refrain from judgment and/or being abrasive but it's silly to ask for opinions and then get offensive. It was a legitimate question, "are you sure he is really looking?" vs. the assertion "It doesn't sound like he is really looking." But anyway there are others who offered constructive advice such as..."help him to look for a job."

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As HOH made clear before; we were talking about people in real life butting in, not people on this forum. And the reply was meant for HOH not for the OP.

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