I have a serious crush on an on-line friend

[The Thinker]

Hi, this is my first post on this forum.

 

My current situation:

 

I'm 20 and met a girl on Skype who lives in a different country almost 9,000 miles away. We've been talking via Skype on daily basis for a few hours a day for the past couple months. I do suffer from mild social anxiety, so it's not easy for me to meet and connect with new people. She's in the same situation. By complete coincidence she happens to be moving to Montreal for school and I attend college in Northern Vermont, so we will be living pretty close to each other (80 minute drive or so). We've talked about meeting up a bunch of times when she moves here and plan to spend a lot of time together, but still have 9 months until this happens. However we have not exactly spoken about any sort of LDR. I get the impression that we're just waiting for each other to be living in the same region. I'm not really sure if I should bring up a LDR type thing because I don't want to ruin or put a strain on what we have now. I also wonder if maybe she just sees me as a friend, an doesn't feel the same way that I do. I've looked for little signs and definitely think she does, but can't be 100% sure. However I also fear that she could meet someone else where she is currently living. It sounds kind of pathetic, but right now she's really the only friend I have and means a lot to me. I've developed feelings for her that I didn't think I was capable to developing for anyone I haven't met in person. I want to tell her, but I fear she might feel differently or that it could ruin our friendship. I'm not really sure what to do about this, any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Edited November 14, 2013 by The Thinker

[FitChick]

Stay friends with her and see what happens when you meet.

[The Thinker]

Stay friends with her and see what happens when you meet.

 

Yeah, this is probably the best bet. I feel like being in a relationship for 9 months without face to face contact would be next to impossible. Think I will just wait it out and see what happens.

[bumpyroad]

Wait until you actually meet her to see if you still have feelings for her; neither of you can know for sure whether you want to be in a relationship until you've actually met in person. I once talked every day for months to a boy on MSN, when we met there was a weird disconnect, I felt like we knew so much about each other yet physically we were complete strangers. It was so disappointing.

 

As for worrying about her meeting someone else in the interim - that can happen to anyone at any time in any relationship, there's no guarantee with relationships unfortunately.

 

Carry on as you are, enjoy what you have at the moment. I wouldn't bring up the big LDR talk yet, as you're not actually in a relationship yet. Tell her that you like her, but don't be too intense. Whatever she says back will hopefully help you to guage how she's feeling...

[The Thinker]

Wait until you actually meet her to see if you still have feelings for her; neither of you can know for sure whether you want to be in a relationship until you've actually met in person. I once talked every day for months to a boy on MSN, when we met there was a weird disconnect, I felt like we knew so much about each other yet physically we were complete strangers. It was so disappointing.

 

As for worrying about her meeting someone else in the interim - that can happen to anyone at any time in any relationship, there's no guarantee with relationships unfortunately.

 

Carry on as you are, enjoy what you have at the moment. I wouldn't bring up the big LDR talk yet, as you're not actually in a relationship yet. Tell her that you like her, but don't be too intense. Whatever she says back will hopefully help you to guage how she's feeling...

 

Thanks for the response. I sort of fear the situation you explained will happen when we do meet. We're both admittedly slightly awkward around people and her English isn't great (spoken anyways), but I'm hoping for the best. I suppose for now I'll just keep on going with what we have now, which is nice until we do meet.

[The Thinker]

I met up with a guy I was 100% sure was compatible with me after a year, and it went really badly. He was not into me. It was awkward, etc. Wait until you meet. There may be things about her you don't know as well until you start hanging out. Etc.

 

Save yourself the heartbreak, get out and find some other girls you could be interested in, make some friends, get your mind off it until she's closer. Then if it doesn't work out it's no big deal and you can still salvage a friendship with her. If you have this build up of feelings it will just be devastating if it doesn't work out, and painful for you guys to be friends again.

 

 

Good luck!

Caitlin

 

Good points, though I'm not really good at going out and meeting new people. I think because of this I've invested too much in things working out with this girl. Too bad it didn't work out for you and that person, I'd be pretty devastated if the same thing happened. I probably should do what you suggested.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Good points, though I'm not really good at going out and meeting new people. I think because of this I've invested too much in things working out with this girl. Too bad it didn't work out for you and that person, I'd be pretty devastated if the same thing happened. I probably should do what you suggested.

 

Definitely play it by ear ESPECIALLY since you don't know if she even likes you explicitly. And for every few stories where meeting doesn't work out, there is one where it does. I wouldn't put my life on hold with so many variables, but I don't think it is fair to automatically assume what didn't work for one person wont work for others :-). A lot of people get caught up in the emotionally high and get blindsided in emotions and ignore the practical.

 

My first bf who also happened to be my last was an online success story (in the sense that we seamlessly transitioned from online to real life). I was 16 when we met and I never thought it would ever materialize and it was so new back then it just seemed preposterous (10 yrs ago). We talked for 6 months before meeting and it was just as amazing in real life at the time as it was online/skype/etc. We lasted 1 1/2 yrs each time :-)

Edited November 16, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[The Thinker]

Just bumping this for the hell of it. I decided not to make any mention of it or ask about an LDR and distanced myself from her a bit. We still talked often, but not as frequently as before. We both stayed single during this time, though each of us had a couple of crappy dates. She's going to be here in just 4 weeks now and it's starting to really pick up again, I think we will be in a relationship when she arrives (if all goes well).

 

Thanks for all the advice, everyone.

[TMichaels]

Best of luck, The Thinker.

 

Keep us posted. Will be interesting to hear how things go...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Rinner]

There are quite a few posts about people meeting and it not working out - I just want you to know that does not happen 100% of the time. My SO and dated for 1 year before we had a chance to meet face to face. It was a little awkward for the first hour and then it was just as normal and comfortable as when we were on skype.

 

So there is a chance that it will work for you.

 

That being said - LDRs are very very difficult. The only way they work is if both people are on board. Before considering a relationship I would see how she feels about you. And even if she has the same feelings she might not want to be in a LDR, so keep that in mind too.