Fiancee wants to "follow her dream"

[campfire]

I've been in a LDR for 18 months and proposed to her 2 months ago. When I proposed the initial plan was that she moves in with me in my country around November 2014. Out of the 18 months we have about 6 months of physical time together, met each others family etc.

 

She is now considering applying for a job position that will postpone the "end date" of our long distance by another year. She hasn't made her decision yet, but I have let her know that the thought of doing +1 year of long distance is making me sad. At the same time I will support her decision - I want her to be happy.

 

Would this be a deal breaker to you? Should it be? Am I being selfish? Deep down I have this fear that if she succeeds in this position it will mean more than just another year. So basically the difference between her applying for this position or not feels like the difference between having an end date to our long distance and not. I want to be with her and marry her, but I don't want to be in an endless LDR.

[Els]

I don't think you're being selfish, but I don't think she is, either.

 

Balancing career progression while keeping in close proximity with one's spouse is very, very difficult for some professions.

 

How far is your distance and how frequent the visits? In your position I would definitely just put up with the extra year, because you had 6 months of physical time out of 18. If that continues to be the case with her new job, it won't be at all bad; that's seeing each other 1/3rd of the time, which IMO is very very doable and really not much different to a couple in the same town who aren't living together. If on the other hand it was something like seeing each other twice a year for a week at a time, then it would be a much tougher decision.

[campfire]

Thanks.

 

Our distance is far. She's African and I'm European. Us spending several months together is a consequence of me being between jobs when I was there and her being a student with flexible time when she was here. This has changed now; I have a job with only 4 weeks holiday every year and she will apply for a position with almost zero holiday in that year. Plus the trips are expensive and long. Weekend-trips is a no-go.

 

If she gets the position, this is how our immediate future will look like:

 

1. She will spend 8 weeks in my country January-February 2014

2. I will spend 4 weeks wherever she is in July 2014

3. She will move to my country in June 2015

 

Other than that we depend on technology and her having stable internet access which is a problem sometimes in her country.

 

Honestly it doesn't look bright. I'm basically just waiting for her and putting alot of stuff on hold until she comes (buying a house, getting a dog, more education).

 

If I told her she needs to choose between the relationship and the job I'm pretty sure she will choose the relationship. But it feels selfish to give her that dilemma. It feels right, but selfish.

[campfire]

When thinking about it my biggest fear is that when time comes, there will be yet another postpone. She will get another job offer, or get inspired to apply for different stuff abroad. She doesn't see that as an option now and is insisting that June 2015 is the end date of our long distance, but she has a track record of being abit impulsive. Two weeks ago this job opportunity wasnt even on her mind, she just wanted to finish her studies and move countries, yet the job opportunity has always existed to her awareness.

 

What Im thinking of proposing is some sort of a pact: We agree on a definite end date, lets say June 2015. If she postpones yet even more the pact will be broken and I will see that as a break up.

 

Even June 2015 feels like an eternity of missing each other, expensive calls, broken internet and frustrations. I truly hate the distance. She has grown more used to it. I don't know if thats a bad sign.

[d0nnivain]

She needs to follow her dream or after you get married she will look back & say what if & then resent you.

 

Do what you can to stay connected. It's only one year.

 

Don't put stuff on hold while you are waiting for her. Get that dog; it will give you unconditional love which may help with the loneliness while waiting for her. She can participate in the selection process through photos or when she is in your country. Start looking at houses & getting your downpayment together.

 

If you are moving forward while she's working, the time will fly.

[Els]

Ouch. That definitely doesn't look bright. Is there any possibility of you relocating to her new job place instead (assuming she gets it)?

 

It's tough for the person being moved-to to impose any deadlines, IMO. Because she is the one sacrificing to move to be with you, so yes, it would be selfish for you to give her an ultimatum. Ideally she would do it of her own accord and in her own time.

 

But you also have the right to choose not to be in a R that you are unhappy with. And 2 more years is quite a long time to be unhappy.

[campfire]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

Yes she needs to follow her dream and resentment is the last thing we want. We are both aware of that.

 

The job she is applying for is a 1 year kinda trainee position, and she will apply in multiple countries, including mine. She applies in February, gets the answer in March and the term is from June'14 to May'15. It's pretty hard for me to relocate. Not impossible, but impractical and costly. I don't see it as an option at this point but haven't given it much thought either. I will though if the time comes.

 

About myself moving on with my life, yes I am thinking in this direction too. You have some great points Elswyth. I'd rather break it off than face unhappiness for the next 2 years. And I'd rather do something to remove unhappiness than to break it off.

 

Our relationship is serious to the level we both are willing to leave our country and start a life together. We both agree my country is the better option in terms of finances, job opportunities and safety so she will be the one making a sacrifice and a big step. Cudos to her and I would do the same if the situation was reversed.

 

I agree to the skype-comment, yes LDRs can generally be abit "fake" sometimes, but we try our best to keep it real and involve each other. We argue, cry, laugh and joke together when talking. If I'm down, I show it. Same with her.

 

She's 25 and I'm 28:)

[campfire]

We are having a serious talk tomorrow. She will tell me what she has decided to do. I'm quite anxious.

 

I've put down a few terms. If she applies for the position and still wants us to be a couple she needs to accept the following:

 

1. We do a small wedding ceremony when she's here so that we can start the paper work for her permanent visa early. That way everything will be set for her to move countries in due time.

2. She commits to putting June 2015 as an end date for our distance and move countries. If not, we cancel the plans for the bigger wedding and divorce.

3. I don't have to wait for her before getting a house, a dog, a new job or moving cities.

 

Does it sound very harsh? I will try not to be harsh, but I have to be firm. Had I known about her career idea 6 months ago I would have waited with my wedding proposal. I proposed knowing that we planned for her to come in October 2014, which at the time felt long enough by a big margin. I would also have changed jobs a long time ago. And right now I don't feel like waiting for her any longer than until June 2015. Who wants to sign up for an 18 months depression? Thats how I look at the next 18 months of my life unless these terms are met by her.

[d0nnivain]

You are presenting it to her as my way or the highway.

 

As for the wedding many little girls dream of their big day their whole lives. To demand that she give up being married before family & friends is not a great way to start your lives together.

[TMichaels]

Anxious? You ought to be.

 

I hope she tells you to stick "your terms" where the sun don't shine.

 

You ought to be working together to plan your life together. Instead you lay down terms as if you were working a multi-million dollar business deal.

 

What a way to run a relationship. Do yourselves both a favor. Just forget it and go your merry ways.

 

Maybe one day you'll be ready to do what it takes to be in healthy and successful relationship but highly doubtful that's where either one of you are now.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[campfire]

You are presenting it to her as my way or the highway.

 

As for the wedding many little girls dream of their big day their whole lives. To demand that she give up being married before family & friends is not a great way to start your lives together.

 

Getting married in February just to start the paper work is something we have agreed on prior to this new career change of hers. So its nothing new. We will have a big wedding with family and friends in her country when the time is right.

[campfire]

Anxious? You ought to be.

 

I hope she tells you to stick "your terms" where the sun don't shine.

 

You ought to be working together to plan your life together. Instead you lay down terms as if you were working a multi-million dollar business deal.

 

What a way to run a relationship. Do yourselves both a favor. Just forget it and go your merry ways.

 

Maybe one day you'll be ready to do what it takes to be in healthy and successful relationship but highly doubtful that's where either one of you are now.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

She is the one who imposed this change and wanting to do a solo mission, what I am doing is simply stating what is acceptable to me. Would you like to be in a relationship where you dont get to be with your girlfriend/wife for a whole year? What about 3 years? This is my reality.

 

I want to plan my life together with her, but right now we have different goals. Thats why Im putting down terms. Would it be better if I just let her float her own boat? 18 months lockdown on my part of just waiting for her to be satisfied with her own career moves might yield some resentment from me, hence the terms.

 

Ironically the only term Im pretty sure she will accept is the wedding being that we already have agreed on it. I'm not so sure on the other two. Are they really that unreasonable? Or are you just getting a bad impression of my attitude?

[nomadic_butterfly]

We are having a serious talk tomorrow. She will tell me what she has decided to do. I'm quite anxious.

 

I've put down a few terms. If she applies for the position and still wants us to be a couple she needs to accept the following:

 

1. We do a small wedding ceremony when she's here so that we can start the paper work for her permanent visa early. That way everything will be set for her to move countries in due time.

2. She commits to putting June 2015 as an end date for our distance and move countries. If not, we cancel the plans for the bigger wedding and divorce.

3. I don't have to wait for her before getting a house, a dog, a new job or moving cities.

 

Does it sound very harsh? I will try not to be harsh, but I have to be firm. Had I known about her career idea 6 months ago I would have waited with my wedding proposal. I proposed knowing that we planned for her to come in October 2014, which at the time felt long enough by a big margin. I would also have changed jobs a long time ago. And right now I don't feel like waiting for her any longer than until June 2015. Who wants to sign up for an 18 months depression? Thats how I look at the next 18 months of my life unless these terms are met by her.

 

Are you for real? It sounds like you are living in a dream world. You will drive both of you insane with these forms of expectations. What the hec would be the point of getting hitched if you are going to treat it like a business deal? You are already planning the divorce before the marriage; it is doomed.

 

Your relationship may have run its course. Let her go live her dreams so there is no resentment and when you both mature, if still available and interested, then MAYBE give it another shot. You seem so inflexible and unwilling to compromise. I understand you have to put your foot down but this is very extreme and unrealistic. Does she have a say in anything? Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast itself. It does not issue ultimatums. Sounds like you both still would be walking on egg shells even if you get married. You will always have this impatience and anxiety until you know for sure what will be the outcome of her career situation.

 

If I were her I would just face the pain now and go on my merry way. When I was 17 I chose my college around my ex bf. So young and "all about him" I disregarded the great opportunities including Ivy League and the best schools in my field just to be close to him. As you know, the cookie crumbled and I was screwed in the end. If I could redo it again I would have followed my heart's desires professionally in my younger years (in my mid 20s now). Guess what? Years later I've moved states, lived in different countries, etc. and recently he told me he's still inlove with me. I don't feel the same, but you see I could have still pursued my passion to the maximum extent and we would of still ended up together in the future if it were meant to be. He, like you, didn't want to compromise and it was all about him and his wants.

 

You are asking for too much and it is best for her to go on a journey of discovery solo and marriage is better suited for those who are stable or those who's partner's can move with them on a whim if need be. This is where your cookie crumbles unfortunately.

[campfire]

nomadic_butterfly, I get your points and I guess there are no guarantees for anything no matter the terms/deal we make. I'm not seing it as terms per se though, they are simply my boundaries. I don't want an LDR with no end date, and I don't want to put my life on hold unless the end date is fairly near. Right now my life is on hold and the end date is about to be pushed quite a bit. Also we wont see each other as much as before. I could just say "OK, go for that position, I will just keep things in check at home and wait for you meanwhile" - would that be better in your view? I would rather break up than putting my life on hold like that. Instead, I'm willing to compromise to try keep our relationship alive.

 

Again about the wedding, I am talking about a formal signing of papers, no big ceremony. We both talked about it several times and agreed we dont see it as a wedding per se, just a step towards moving together because its needed for a permanent visa. The Wedding is probably 2 years away and that one will be a wedding worthy of the little girl's dream.

 

We postponed talking about it today, she needs some more time to think about the decision.

[campfire]

I might be discussing with myself at this point but for those interested I'm happy to do updates in this thread:)

 

We have talked about the issue a few times now and I still feel the same negative way about spending a year apart with little chances of seing each other. I understand her desire to make a career move and I have tried to make her see opportunities in my country too. Its a country where jobs are easily found and the currency is strong.

I'm thinking my need for attention, affection and physical closeness is bigger than hers, because she seems way less negative about being one year apart.

 

I have shown a willingness to sacrifice and compromise as well. If she gets the job she's applying for she will be in a position where she might be able to find an internship for me. It would probably be completely irrelevant to my field of work, but I'm open to try new things. So wherever she ends up (she's applying in different countries, including mine) we have agreed we should try getting me some work there as well, possibly giving us a few months together and then move permanently to my country when her term ends.

 

Theres a lot of different possible outcomes at this point and we will know more in January/Feb when applications are being assessed. Until then Im looking forward to seing her in Dec-Feb and not worrying too much about the future.

 

nomadic butterfly, your posts in particular have been helpful in seing things from my girlfriend's side (I've been following several threads here).

[Iguanna]

Being a European myself and not being really used to the different cultures in America, I will bring another issue that crossed my mind. Are you really sure you want to have family with a woman with such a different culture, language, maybe even religion? I'm not judging and in no way do I want to sound racist, I'm just asking a sincere question that crossed my mind.

 

Other than that, considering only the long distance issue, I would also suggest that you wait till June 2015 and see how it goes. It will be hard but it will also show you how strong your love is. Don't see it like 1,5 years, take it step by step, focus on your education or job, your relatives, your friends, your hobbies, let her focus on these things as well, and you will see how it goes. Sometimes when we have a huge life dilemma the solution comes by itself without us doing anything. So just take it month by month, time will pass.

[campfire]

Thank you for that post. I am thinking the same really, taking everything step by step and I have been worrying too much about the future lately. I guess it comes from the fact I'm realizing that Im getting married soon and I am used to having things planned out.

 

Our cultural backgrounds are different, but we share many of the same values, have good chemistry and both of us are very open minded. Neither of us judge and we hate being judged - which is something many interracial couples struggle with I think. Your question is valid, but we haven't had any difficulties coming from cultural differences yet. We don't see religion or language as potential problems and both of us are good at adapting to new situations.

Those who ask instead of judging will never be racists in my book so no worries:) It is an inflated expression anyway.

 

There is one example that did cause a discussion between us, which is the tradition of bride price. I see it as an outdated tradition and disagree with the core principle of it, but I am flexible and accept it because it is the only way her (rather conservative) family will recognize us as an official couple and accept me as part of the family.

 

Have you faced any difficulties coming from cultural differences?

[Iguanna]

Thank you for that post. I am thinking the same really, taking everything step by step and I have been worrying too much about the future lately. I guess it comes from the fact I'm realizing that Im getting married soon and I am used to having things planned out.

 

It's natural that we people get nervous with huge changes in our lives that equals with growing up really, but it's a good change so you should be happy and looking forward to it rather than getting worried. It's something difficult that you have to deal with but all couples have various difficulties. Keep only the good from this "bad" thing rather than remembering only the bad things.

 

Our cultural backgrounds are different, but we share many of the same values, have good chemistry and both of us are very open minded. Neither of us judge and we hate being judged - which is something many interracial couples struggle with I think. Your question is valid, but we haven't had any difficulties coming from cultural differences yet. We don't see religion or language as potential problems and both of us are good at adapting to new situations.

Those who ask instead of judging will never be racists in my book so no worries:) It is an inflated expression anyway.

 

I really hope you will never face this kind of problems, nor you or your future kids. Unfortunately we live in a society where racism has increased and people from other country are not only not wanted some times but also even hated. I'm sad about this.. What you have to do is have a strong attitude towards people who judge and be patient till she gets to you. Consider this as a "trial" period, see it in the romantic way like, imagine you are in the army and she is waiting for you to come back (ok I watch many movies ).

 

There is one example that did cause a discussion between us, which is the tradition of bride price. I see it as an outdated tradition and disagree with the core principle of it, but I am flexible and accept it because it is the only way her (rather conservative) family will recognize us as an official couple and accept me as part of the family.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you mean here, do you mean that the bride's parents have to give her some money or property to get married? Please explain it better (sorry english is not my mother language :S)

 

 

Have you faced any difficulties coming from cultural differences?

 

Not personally but I can see differences in people that are even from countries close to mine. What I'm most afraid about couples from different countries is the affect it will have to the kids of this couple. I guess people in America are more used to multiculturalism, but I'm not really used to it, even though I'm sure I'd find it interesting, meeting people with totally different ethical, moral and cultural views.

[campfire]

Bride price in her culture means that I have to pay her parents in order to marry their daughter and become part of their family. How much I pay and the reasons for it vary between cultures, in some countries its done opposite (bride side pays groom side). In my country there is no tradition for this whatsoever.

 

About possible future kids, they will probably become part of the culture they grow up in (which is most probably my country) but I think its important they know the other half of their roots as well. There are big cultural differences when it comes to raising kids, some cultures tend to use alot of physical punishment so this is something we simply have to work out together as parents. Again we share many of the same values here, even if some of my values might go against my own culture.

It should be worth mentioning that having a different skin color is perfectly normal in my country and most people are quite open minded. There is less hate, but there are those who judge or discriminate in everyday life.

 

I am happy and excited when thinking about our future:) My worries have come from the fear of losing that future and sometimes its better to enjoy the present more.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I might be discussing with myself at this point but for those interested I'm happy to do updates in this thread:)

 

We have talked about the issue a few times now and I still feel the same negative way about spending a year apart with little chances of seing each other. I understand her desire to make a career move and I have tried to make her see opportunities in my country too. Its a country where jobs are easily found and the currency is strong.

I'm thinking my need for attention, affection and physical closeness is bigger than hers, because she seems way less negative about being one year apart.

 

I have shown a willingness to sacrifice and compromise as well. If she gets the job she's applying for she will be in a position where she might be able to find an internship for me. It would probably be completely irrelevant to my field of work, but I'm open to try new things. So wherever she ends up (she's applying in different countries, including mine) we have agreed we should try getting me some work there as well, possibly giving us a few months together and then move permanently to my country when her term ends.

 

Theres a lot of different possible outcomes at this point and we will know more in January/Feb when applications are being assessed. Until then Im looking forward to seing her in Dec-Feb and not worrying too much about the future.

 

nomadic butterfly, your posts in particular have been helpful in seing things from my girlfriend's side (I've been following several threads here).

 

Glad I could help! I've found LS has a lot of awesome, insightful posters that open my mind and helps me to see things in a different light. Hope it all works out for you!

[FitChick]

I could see if she were staying for a high priced job but internship? And possibly getting you an internship not even in your field? I'd move on.