Ex Vs. New

[1123aabc]

Hey! I have a problem i would love to resolve.

 

I recently broke up with my girlfriend and went out with this new girl. We've been together a little over a month now but all of a sudden i am getting thoughts about my ex.

My ex an i dated for 15 months and were crazy about one another. I was a senior and she was in tenth grade when we met. The reason i left was because it was my first year of college and it got hard with the long distance. I would see her on the weekends about once a month but during the last month of our relationship we fought more than usual, over petty things, and i ended up breaking it off. I moved on kind of fast, yes i'm ashamed of it, but this new girlfriend is nice and sweet and never fights with me. The problem i have with this is that she just started saying "i love you" to me. I don't have a problem with this but the thing is my heart is still towards my ex. My ex is still 100% not over me and is really sad about everything and wants me back. It's hard for me because i do love her like crazy and would do anything to have her back. Except, i don't want to deal with the fighting anymore. This new girlfriend is like an empty canvas; I can have a fresh start. But.. my heart is telling me one thing but my head is telling me another. I'm really unsure about what to do. Who should i stay with? I wouldn't want to break up with my ex again, if we dated again. She already been through a lot. But i don't want to go on with this new girl if i'm not crazy for her. Please help me?!

Edited May 26, 2013 by 1123aabc

[umirano]

I went back to an ex once. It didn't work, though the second phase was pretty smooth, no fights.

 

A close friend of mine, who also has some experience in RS, says she doesn't believe in putting back together what broke once. But I'm sure there are other experiences. Personally I tend to go with my friend.

 

One thing to consider: If you still feel so strongly about your ex, maybe you shouldn't be with a new girl? You can hardly feel the same for her. Seems kind of unfair and intransparent what your are doing to her.

[1123aabc]

Thanks for replying. I feel the same way. I shouldn't do this to my new girlfriend. She should deserve better. Thanks

[Eddie Edirol]

I think your new girl said ILY too fast, which isn't your fault, its hers. I think you shouldn't get back with your ex, but you shouldn't be in touch with her either. You obviously want to move on, but you cant if you keep talking to her. New girl wont have a fighting chance if you keep talking to your ex.

 

I think you should tell your new gf to slow down, so you can work for it more and appreciate to a point where you can forget about your ex.

 

But seriously, you HAVE to stop talking to your ex, otherwise this dilemma will never end. If you think you can never have that crazy in love feeling with the new girl, then you should let her go if youre not going to give her a fighting chance.

[justwhoiam]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend and went out with this new girl. We've been together a little over a month now but all of a sudden i am getting thoughts about my ex.

This means that the feelings for the new girl are mild compared to the ones you felt for the old one. You can assess the intensity of feelings now, as this is your not your first relationship.

 

My ex was in tenth grade when we met. The reason i left was because it was my first year of college and it got hard with the long distance. I would see her on the weekends about once a month but during the last month of our relationship we fought more than usual, over petty things, and i ended up breaking it off. I moved on kind of fast, yes i'm ashamed of it, but this new girlfriend is nice and sweet and never fights with me.

So your ex was 15 or 16 when you started dating her. And you left her because you didn't feel like keeping up with the distance and a few fights. I guess she proved to be more mature than you were, despite you being older. And you can't assess someone's sweetness in just one month, aka your new girlfriend's personality. You need more time. And you need to go through some hardness to see what she really is like and how she deals with stress and difficulties. When everything's a bed of roses, what would you expect to see after all?

 

The problem i have with this is that she just started saying "i love you" to me. I don't have a problem with this but the thing is my heart is still towards my ex.

So could we say you NEVER said I love you to this new girl? Or did you say that by mistake and now regret it? Is it so? She keeps saying I love you and you never said anything about it or in response? That sounds very very weird, as any girl would notice something's wrong. It's not something that would get unnoticed. I think something's unclear about this point.

 

My ex is still 100% not over me and is really sad about everything and wants me back.

You don't go back with someone because they want you back. You need to WANT IT. And look forward to it with all your heart. You were fed up at the first petty fight... I think you're better off having fun with girls while in college, and then think if you're cut for a steady relationship.

 

i do love her like crazy and would do anything to have her back.

This sounds just wrong and doesn't match with your actions at all. You miss the good things you had together, but are not willing to accept the bad ones. So this is not love. I'm not even sure if you two are a good match. And she's pretty young anyway. Is she at least 17 now?

 

i don't want to deal with the fighting anymore.

Right... we got that.

 

This new girlfriend is like an empty canvas;

Honestly, I seriously doubt this new girlfriend is a saint. She must have her flaws too, just you didn't bump into them yet. Just a matter of time. No one's perfect.

 

my heart is telling me one thing but my head is telling me another.

The irrational side of you prompts you to go back > wrong move, as the rational side of you is not going to leave you. The rational side of you prompts you to stay with this new girl > wrong move, as you can't command your heart to love someone or feel passion etc. for someone. Chemistry and passion to the nth degree is not something you can build through rationalization, it just happens. When it doesn't happen, it means it's just not there. And if it's not there in the whole first month of dating, it's a huge red flag, because I don't think it's going to happen later on. Maybe she's like a puppy dog with no strong personality and not a challenge for you, not stimulating.

 

Who should i stay with?

Keep looking. Or just have fun with girls. Tell this new girl you're not ready for a new relationship yet. Maybe she feels like dating you anyway, even knowing she's not the only one... who knows. After all, you said she's so accomodating... If she slaps you in the face, you'll know she's not the sweety girl you thought she was... Edited May 26, 2013 by justwhoiam