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LDR with many problems 5+ years together and engaged


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Hi, I've been coming to the forum for a while to learn from everyone's mistakes and successes.

 

I am 27 years old. My Ex Fiance is 25

 

We met about 6 years ago at community college. We became a couple on new years of 2008 after talking about dating for 6 months. Since then it's been quite an adventure with her as we have been together for 5 years, 4 months. We have had our share of great times and fights. I taught her how to drive a car when her parents didn't want her to. When she had a falling out with her dad, she moved out of her family's house to live with me. We have been living together for 4 years.

 

School has not been a smooth road for us since we've always had to struggle financially. We took community college slow and both received AA degrees

 

In 2012 there became a crossroads for us. She got accepted to the university nearby, and I got accepted to another 200 miles away. I really wanted to stay and try again to get into that same college. However we both came to the conclusion that it would be better to take the opportunity. This way she could have space to do her schoolwork, miss me, and be free. I took the move really hard. We even broke up for a short time in the summer because of my indecision to stay or go. I knew that it was a great opportunity and that I shouldn't waste it, but I feel like I moved away to make things better for her, and not make things better for me, if you guys know what I mean.

 

Before I left, one day I needed to use her computer (I forget what for) and found out she had been talking to another guy for the past 5 months. Their conversations would last hours like how we used to talk before we started dating. I didn't think much of it then, and never brought it up since their conversation dates were so sporadic.

 

Things started off rough, but things eventually subsided with the LDR. I proposed to her on our 5th year anniversary. She said yes. Ever since then she has told me she has been having doubts about our engagement. She says that I may have been too late in proposing. She says that now she is in a university that she doesn't want to miss out on the experience. However, she says all these things when she's mad at me. When she gets mad at me, it's because I have taken up too much time from her schoolwork or haven't given her enough time to breath. With a quarter system like both of our universities, it's always hard to gauge how much is enough time to spend with one another on face time or on the phone because our schedules are always changing.on the 20th of January I broke to her that I knew about that guy she was talking to on facebook. She acknowledged that he was just a classmate friend and nothing more. She has been jealous of other girls around me before and I always let the other girls who my girl is... more on this later. I believed her and thought nothing of it.

 

Fast forward to now. This past year she received a grant that she wont be getting next year. This means she will have to work a lot of hours to pay for school. Her parents make no money. They don't ask her for money, but can't help her out either. She looks to me for what little financial support I can offer (because I'm a student too) and emotional support.

 

However, my emotional support is not always there. There are times where I disagree with her decisions. I feel like i know what's going on when I don't and it's a terrible trait I have. I have started counseling to figure out why I keep doing things like that.

 

On monday she was telling me about her living situation. She was telling me that she will be moving into a house with 6 other people. This alarmed me because 1.) that's a lot of people 2.) how is she ever going to have privacy 3.) She's going to share our mutual belongings with 6 others.

 

I didn't take her decision the right way and was looking for other options. This stressed both of us out and we decided to just talk later. I call her at 9 (we always facetime at 9) to watch a show together. We start to watch it, and then we start arguing about her moving situation again and then she brings up that guy she used to talk to on facebook. Basically, they started chatting when I called her. She immediately regretted talking to him and said it was stupid on her part. But me being me, I blew it out of proportion and made the whole situation worse. What happened next is that she started telling me that she won't stop talking to him and that she doesn't want to miss out on experiencing college. The word break up was mentioned in the end of our conversation, I dont remember too much of it because it was hurting me She mentioned planning on giving me back the ring and she hung up on me. She has done this before when she first had doubts about the engagement. But I gave her time to breathe and she came back to me.

 

All I want for her is to finish school smoothly. I'm on track to finish school in 2 years. Her program is going to take 4 years and she is going to be at least 30k in debt when she's done. I want her to know that I have her best intentions in mind, and it makes me nervous when she's out partying or hanging out with friends. It's like the order of importance is School, Partying, Us for her and for me it's School, Us, Partying. She says she loves me all the time except when we're arguing like now.

 

I'm really at my wits end. I love her so much. I'm 100% committed to marrying her after my 5 years of indecision. I've always been there for her in the good times and bad. I've encouraged her and supported her. Right now we are broken up. I deleted her on facebook on Monday but have requested to add her back this morning and sent her an apology message. I called her yesterday but she didn't answer. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to lose her. I asked her what I would have to do to win her back and she said -graduate. Im in a new place with no real support but hers. I freeze up whenever my phone gives me a notification, hoping it's something from her.

 

Please help with whatever input you may have. There are a lot of details I'm missing and wont hesitate to talk about them for better clarity on my particular situation.

 

Thanks

Edited by 130R
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I'm 100% committed to marrying her after my 5 years of indecision.
Wonder what made you undecided for 5 years. Then wonder about that a little more. It's better for you to break up than keep the engagement and find yourself in some sh---y marriage later on.

 

Now, about winning her back.

I'm not sure if I can give you good advice about your situation. But you said "whatever input", so take it for what it is. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and see what I would like and what not.

Don't give in and think that being a different man, more condescending, will help. You'd turn into a doormat, and it's difficult to be in love with such a guy. Stand up for yourself and what you think is right.

If you are jealous and your jealousy is not pathological, I would say it's fine, and it's just a symptom of your love level. But don't let that get over you, keep it in check. Be in control.

She's going out with other people, and it's just natural that she will meet other guys and might think of them as potential partners. If you want to stand out and be like no one else, you need to go out of your way to show her. How and when are equally important in leading you to succeed.

Some more tips:

- remember things that others don't/can't remember

- write real letters to her, or postcards from where you are or interesting places you visit

- let her know you have a life of your own, but no matter how many interesting things you take up or do, she's still on top of your mind

 

Risky move

Your risky move could be you text her:

 

I've been thinking about us a lot. I came to the conclusion that you don't love me anymore. I don't want to keep alive something that's already dead. So I'm letting you go, at least one of us (you) will be happy. It takes two for any relationship to work. We could meet one last time, so that we can get a real closure, that we might need. Love, [your name]

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I wasn't very indecisive. I always knew I wanted to marry her. However, I was never fully financially ready or emotionally ready to propose to her.

 

At this point, I just want to hear her voice. I am fearful everyday whenever I get the mail, I'll see a package with her ring in it. She has not contacted me for 5 days.

 

The pain comes in waves. One point, I'll be perfectly fine, then just utterly depressed the next second. I admit that I blew up at her due to school and work pressures. But so did she, and I don't think it was right for her to keep in contact with that other guy when she knew it bothered me.

 

We see each other a weekend every month, and every month I see her.. I take her out to dinner almost every day - take her on dates to museums - buy her whatever she needs - massage her and more. Even my female friends ask if there is another me floating around somewhere because they want to be as spoiled as much as I spoil her.

 

I admit that I get jealous. But never pathological. I know there are guys out there that hit on her and believe she turns them all down. I just don't like that she knowingly puts herself in those situations where that happens.

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Even my female friends ask if there is another me floating around somewhere because they want to be as spoiled as much as I spoil her.
So you go around bragging about what you do for your girlfriend?
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Sorry if I made it seem like i go around and brag about what I do for her. I do not. Sometimes friends and I will talk about our relationships, give ideas for where to go for a date, etc.

 

For instance, I would say "so and so was a great place to eat. I took my fiance there once and the calamari was awesome" and my friend would say "Are there anymore of you around? my bf just takes me to panda express for dates."

 

So you go around bragging about what you do for your girlfriend?
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I've been trying to call, refriend her on facebook.... I've called her everyday and she doesn't pick up. every phone call hurts the more it gets unanswered...

 

I just don't know what to do besides making her feel like I'm desperate.

 

maybe she just needs time?

 

 

Ok. Don't get too nervous. Open up with her. Win her back.
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I've been trying to call, refriend her on facebook.... I've called her everyday and she doesn't pick up. every phone call hurts the more it gets unanswered...

 

I just don't know what to do besides making her feel like I'm desperate.

That's not how you're supposed to win her back... And letting her see you're desperate... hmm at times it can work, but usually not so. Don't pester her with calls. Please. You need to do something impressive. Something that will make her say: he really loves me.

 

maybe she just needs time?
Now, it's better you let the waters settle a bit (like a couple of weeks). Use this time "away" from her to think how to show her you really love her and you can be the one for her. If you know her well, you know how far you can go with that, so that it's not too much, or out of place.
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senoritabonita

Hi there, I came across this because I am in a LDR and am the same age you are. First of all, I think the other girl posting here is being a tad unfair... you have to be old enough, emotionally, financially, spiritually,etc..mature enough to get engaged, so I completely understand why you held off. But remember, you are both quite young. Especially her. She got into this relationship and has been practically married since she was 20! For her she definitely needs some breathing space and maybe eventually she´ll see what she has, maybe not. The thing is, you need to be more independent. You relying only on her and deleting her and adding her to facebook shows that she is your everything... unfortunately for a girl who is where she´s at... it´s not an attractive trait. You just need to focus on YOU. She clearly has no consideration for you, talking to other guys behind your back, and blatantly telling you that she will continue to do so. Arguing is always a way to tell the truth. You need to just face that she is selfish and is gone. For her to tell you to "graduate" to keep her, shows how immature and ridiculous she is. If I were her and in love, I would stand by my man and not give any mind to anyone else. I´d get through the studying and find a way back to him. Instead she´s not helping your situation. You just need to focus on you. Focus on meeting new people, being present where you are, graduating, getting some money and meeting someone worth your time. I know you love her but it´s a lesson learned. Move forward. You will find love.

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Hi there, I came across this because I am in a LDR and am the same age you are. First of all, I think the other girl posting here is being a tad unfair... you have to be old enough, emotionally, financially, spiritually,etc..mature enough to get engaged, so I completely understand why you held off. But remember, you are both quite young. Especially her. She got into this relationship and has been practically married since she was 20!

 

She has told me she has held resentment for me not proposing to her for so long. Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from!

 

I finally get the balls to propose and go "all in" on this relationship and suddenly she has doubts? wtf? I just don't get it.

 

If you truly love someone, you will wait until they are ready... that's how I saw it.

 

Anyways, it's been 10 days, NC..

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senoritabonita

I totally agree. I don´t know the situation fully obviously but if it´s true that you were ready emotionally and were always "all in" on the relationship and only financial and obvious reasons were in the way of proposing then yes, she should have waited.

 

To be honest I think she´s just making excuses. I know it is hard on you and that you are really counting the minutes without her but you will be fine. Trust me. Do something nice for yourself each day and your focus will be on you and not her in due time. Remember, it´s all excuses, all a game. If someone wants you they will fight till the ends of the earth for you. You deserve someone like that, not who is a weakling and chats with another guy while you are in an LDR. Give me a break!

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This way she could have space to do her schoolwork, miss me, and be free.

 

what does this mean?

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DrStrangelove

My ex gf of 4 years left me for a few reasons. One of which was because I didn't propose to her. Like you... I was not financially/emotionally stable. She is begging me back 4 months after the breakup. I went strictly NC.

 

It is going to hurt a lot more. Get your mind busy. GO NC. Other guys who are single are clingy/needy, more often than not. Wait a month to make contact. Keep it brief. Just check in on her. She knows she can take you back at any time. You are just waiting around for her. You need to get the ball back in your court.

 

I'm probably wrong... but, those are my experiences.

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It's been a struggle every day to do something... anything that gets my mind off my situation. I'm a full time student, and almost full time worker. I have a social life where I am, but something always happens where memories of the two of us together get triggered.

 

Waves of emotions pass throughout the days, and my friends notice it. Because of this, I get irritated and resentment toward her comes out, even if I don't mean it.

 

I was supposed to go get my things last weekend (which is 3/4 of her apt) while she was at a wedding we were both invited to but couldn't pull it off. I ended up spending time with family. My rationale was that there may be hope of reconciliation, everything will blow over soon and she'll realize what she may be losing without me in her life.

 

I hear a lot of people's stories about their ex when the conversation of the two of us comes up... and how their ex's stole money, cheated on them, hit them, abused drugs, etc. we didn't do any of that... we were good... why would she leave?

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TMichaels
I hear a lot of people's stories about their ex when the conversation of the two of us comes up... and how their ex's stole money, cheated on them, hit them, abused drugs, etc. we didn't do any of that... we were good... why would she leave?

 

Because she's outgrown the relationship and is trying to spread her wings. You're stuck on what was and refuse to come to terms that it no longer is.

 

 

I was supposed to go get my things last weekend (which is 3/4 of her apt) while she was at a wedding we were both invited to but couldn't pull it off. I ended up spending time with family. My rationale was that there may be hope of reconciliation, everything will blow over soon and she'll realize what she may be losing without me in her life.

 

Doubtful. Especially when you continue to circle around her like a hawk.

 

However, there's a slight chance that if you leave her alone and move on with your own life that she'll notice that and you'll become interesting to her once again.

 

Painful and hard to do -- yes. But, you need to do it and quit trying to impose your will on her and pining away for what was, and no longer is.

 

Best,

TMichaels

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Your love is no doubt noble, however all the contacts and pestering of her is likely driving her not only away from you, but to a level of resentment.

 

The more you push; the more she will pull.

 

Repeat: The more you push; the more she will pull.

 

[highlight]Repeat x2[/highlight]: The more you push; the more she will pull.

 

 

 

Stop pushing her. Stop calling, texting, skype'ing, and as we see from another thread of yours "stalking" her on FB.

 

You are pushing so hard her pull is soon going to manifest into a “run from you” all the while she will be screaming for someone to rescue her from "YOU".

 

Let her be. Not for a couple of days, not for a week or a month or a couple of months. Just let her be. She has been with you since barely leaving her teens, she is going to University, she is a young woman, treat her with dignity and respect for who she is becoming and not a kept "thing".

 

Is this making any sense to you?

 

The more respect you give her now, the more respect she will have for you. The more respect she has for you, the stronger the attraction to you.

 

Respect = attraction.

 

Ask any woman on this board and they will surely tell you when they respect a man they "can" find him attractive.

 

Now, let me clarify, this is not a method for getting your EX back or any other gamesmanship nonsense. I'm just telling you that continuing down the path you're on will eventually have this woman resent you if she doesn't already.

 

Giving her respect and having her see you as respectful at least levels the field to whatever can happen. In the meantime, prepare yourself for the likely fact she will explore the single life at a new University for some time to come.

 

The hardships of engagements, proposals and so on when two people are so young are very difficult to maintain through your mid-twenties and slightly less but still relevant with difficulty in your late-twenties.

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