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When the visit ends


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My boyfriend of almost three years just left two days ago from visiting me, and I'm feeling miserable in what seems like a weird way (to me at least!). I guess I'd expect to feel bad because of missing him, but ... that's not really why I'm feeling awful. I feel trapped in this cycle of thoughts about feeling like there is no future, like he's going to break up with me, or me with him (even though I really don't want to at all), feeling stupid and ugly and messed up, convinced that he deserves someone better than me, etc etc etc. Basically beating myself up, but I don't really understand why! The visit went great, it's not like we fought or had any sort of issues come up, things were really relaxed and enjoyable.

 

This is the third time we've visited each other, and every time I seem to end up feeling like this afterward, even though the visits have all been really good. I just end up feeling like I hate myself and am an awful person, and each time have come disturbingly close to breaking up with him. I find it really baffling and feel sort of like it's out of my control - like I'm just sitting watching myself break down and can't stop it.

 

Has anyone else dealt with these sorts of feelings after visits? Tell me I'm not alone? :}

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You are not alone. I always needed pep talks at the end of visits because who knows, it could be the last time you ever see your SO (for whatever reason) and that is scary.

 

Have you guys talked about closing the distance and do you have a timeline? that could potentially help with your anxiety.

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LittleTiger

Welcome to LS, Goreycat. Sorry you're feeling so low and confused.

 

Is this a three year relationship with part of it LD or is it a long-term (always been apart) LDR and you've only visited each other three times? I think knowing that might make a difference to the responses you receive.

 

I'd like to reassure you but I don't think what you're feeling is common. Sadness at being separated, feeling lost and lonely, 'empty bed' syndrome (just made that up!) - those are the sorts of feelings most people here express.

 

However, feeling stupid, ugly, messed up, hating yourself, that you're an awful person and he deserves someone better? That isn't a healthy response to being separated from a loved one.

 

Have you considered counselling to find out why your self esteem is so low and why it seems to be so strongly triggered by the separation from your boyfriend? If you're confused by these feelings it's understandable and, it's very likely there is something else in your psyche that is producing this kind of emotional response. It could be worth investigating.

 

Aside from that, do you have a good reason to believe that you and your boyfriend have no future? Are you planning on being together full time at some point and have you discussed it? If not, doing so might help. It always seems to me that LDR couples who discuss and plan their future together are the ones who find the distance and the separation easiest to cope with - at least on LS anyway.

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PepperPotts

I began feeling the same way after we were hit with a lot of stress and our communication began to suffer. You are not alone.

 

Spend some more time with your friends. Remind yourself every day that you are in this relationship because you love each other. Long distance is hard, and you're doing this hard thing for each other, because your relationship is worth it. No guy goes through this unless he really loves the girl-- your boyfriend isn't getting any of the physical benefits of being in a relationship (nor are you), so this does him absolutely no good--- no good, except that he has you and he loves you.

 

I'm doing better now because things are returning to normal, but it was very helpful to discuss my feelings with my boyfriend. If you do so, prepare for a little negative backlash-- he might think he's doing something wrong and causing you to feel this way, which will make him question things. Reassure him that he's not (unless he is...).

 

I would say that it gets harder to leave after every visit, but you have to focus on the countdown to the next one, and that your relationship exists for a reason. I agree with Ana that having a timeline and a plan makes everything easier. If you don't already have communication rules, put them in place (if he's agreeable). Basically, you set a general time to talk every night, and state what's expected of each other-- will you Skype once a week and call each other at 10pm MWF? Will you be expected to respond to texts immediately, or not unless it's the evening and you're home from work? Some people argue that having these rules kills the spontaneity of your relationship, but that's not true-- you can still send packages and notes. These rules could *save* a relationship, because one of the biggest LDR killers is uncertainty. If you know you're going to talk at 10pm, you don't have to wonder if he's forgotten you when he hasn't called by 9:45.

 

I also agree with Tiger that counseling may help. I'm starting that this week to deal with similar insecurities. For me, it is kind of a hard jump to seek help. But I believe the relationship (and my life in general) is worth it. I don't want to let my insecurities damage my relationship, my friendships, or the friendships I'll build in the future. And the time to work on that is now.

 

You'll get through this, Gorey, and you can post here anytime. Long distance is *hard.* It just... really, really sucks. We all understand that here, and we're all here for you.

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Thank you, everyone, for making me feel a little better!

 

A little more backstory – we met online about three years ago, not looking for a relationship, and were friends for about 6 months or so before it turned into a romance. I visited him for about a week, then six months later went over for a five month stay (overseas). This visit was him coming here for about a week.

 

 

Ana0pera – thank you for telling me I’m not alone! As for timelines … yeah. Well, we had a plan, which completely fell apart, and at the same time that happened we went through a pretty rough patch. Since then we haven't really talked about the 'future' much at all. At the moment I’m trying to just concentrate on enjoying whatever time I do have with him and not dwelling on what may come – but of course it still hits me over the head sometimes.

 

 

LittleTiger – Oh, I’ve had counselling, not that I found it terribly effective. I’m basically one giant mess of terrible self esteem, anxiety, and depression, though my self esteem has actally grown immensely since I’ve been involved with my boyfriend. I’m also bipolar, and though my current batch of meds is keeping me pretty well balanced, I do watch out for the occasional overreaction emotinally. Which is what this feels like, but it's bothering me that it keeps happening and that I’m getting these emotions and not the usual expected 'miss you, lonely, sad' type emotions.

 

 

I talked a little bit about future stuff above, but yeah, we don't really have a plan for a future at the moment. We're both broke with terrible jobs, so the huge financal issues of an international move are a roadblock. I know it's something we should talk about and try and sort out, but I tend not to want to bring it up because I'd rather not deal with the arguments that will come from it, or the chance of just being told it won't ever happen.

 

 

PepperPotts – (IronMan fan? :D) Unfortunatly, I have no friends. *sadtrombone* But thank you for pointing out the whole no benefit besides loving each other, because that is reassuring and it does seem to be true – it can just be hard to remember when things get rough. I am nervous about discussing these feelings with my boyfriend because I have the previous times, and it's just led to a lot of tension and unpleasantness, and the harder he tried to make sure he wasn't doing anything 'wrong', the worse things got between us. I know it will probably fade in a month or so, so, idk, it doesn't seem worth it to bring it up. Again.

 

 

 

We do have very good communication in place. :) I totally agree that rules don't kill the sponaneity. We actually can't Skype because of the lag from satellite internet, but we IM almost daily and email each other every day without fail, plus we normally text each other a couple times a day. Plus packages and cards. :) I know I’m probably unreasonably reluctant to go back into counselling. For one thing, I have no insurance and only a part time min wage job, so the cost is a big deal. Add to that that I’m in a very rural area with a grand total of four therapists – two of which I’ve seen, and didn't have very good results with – and I find the idea of trying again daunting and pointless. Not a very good attitude. >.>

 

 

 

 

Again, thank you!

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Dangraystyle

This may be something similar that im involved in.

 

Ive been going out with my girlfriend for 4 months and she lives an hour away but come July, we will likely break up as she is moving back to her home town a little over 2 hours away.

 

She seems to be having similar feelings as you are. She said the last couple of week she has been really miserable when she goes to bed at night and she doesnt know why. She has never felt this way before either. Shes been telling me how she crys when she thinks of leaving me soon.

 

All those list of worries you have, im certain she has all of them too. We had a fight a few days ago and we sorted it out and at the end she said "im so horrible, im sorry"

 

I cant tell you if this is why she has been really sad, but it is shockingly similar to your experience.

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I have no friends.
That's not good for sure. Get to know more people and maybe you'll become friends with some of them. Focus on this a bit more.

 

Has anyone else dealt with these sorts of feelings after visits? Tell me I'm not alone? :}

I think it's the fear of losing him. That's what experience has taught me. You can either keep everything to yourself, but it's not advisable. It's difficult to manage alone after a while. I feel the need to be reassured nothing bad will happen to us. After all, I know my feelings. So the risk is coming from him mainly. So if you let him know what your fears are, there are two main options: 1) he will reassure you and make no big deal of it, and you are likely to feel better just because of that, or 2) he will be attacked by your same fears after a while, get annoyed seeing that your fears are not diminishing, or fed up of having to reassure you so often, or even doubts/fears/second thoughts will eat into him. This latter case is likely to lead your relationship to a natural death.

 

So the best chance for you both is that he can help you with your fears and makes you feel better. Everything will get better once you can live together.

 

That's how I see it, though your case might be different.

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PepperPotts

We can be your friends :)

 

And I know what you mean about finances. It's driving me insane that I don't have a job lined up yet (luckily, I need to study for and take a professional exam before I can work anyway, so it's not an issue until August), and I'm only able to go to counseling because it's free at my school :/

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