LDR - Feelings over time

[JackD4niels]

I have no idea how often everybody here is seeing their SO, but I am noticing a pattern in feelings / emotions that emerges over time. I was wondering whether this is common and/or whether other people in a LDR recognize this process? Does yours differ a lot from mine?

 

• The first 2-3 days are somewhat of an emotional tailspin. The dreadful feeling of saying goodbye at the airport remains extremely difficult. The following days are kind of the same. You are still in the 'being together' mood, while all of a sudden you feel this is taken away from you.
  
• The next week is usually pretty easy. Usually because things are insanely busy at work, there is enough time to focus on that. You start seeing the amazing memories you have together and instead of purely being miserable, you start appreciating them. You look back with a smile, rather than with tears.
  
• After 2 weeks, I always get this feeling of getting used to a LDR. It's not that bad after all, we will see each other soon again and it's just been two weeks. Memories are still rather intense and soon enough we will experience them again.
  
• After 3 weeks, things become a bit more difficult. I notice the intense feeling of what it is like to be together starts fading a little. You still know what it's like, but recalling the memory, how it -actually- feels like to hold your SO is not that strongly present anymore. I personally hate it when this happens.
  
• After 4 weeks, the feeling I just described starts fading away more and more. If my girlfriend would all of a sudden stand right in front of me, I would be amazed at how incredible it feels to kiss her again. You still remember it's amazing - but the actual feeling is much less intense. This is usually the hardest week for me.
  
• After 5 weeks, things go better again, because we usually have a timespan of 5 - 6 weeks. The countdown starts and I can barely focus on anything else anymore, especially outside work. I get this feeling of 'nothing else matters', though things usually are crazy at work right before I leave for a (long) weekend. It doesn't matter - I handle 80h workweeks with ease at the prospect of seeing my girlfriend soon :-)
  

 

Right now .. I am in week 5 :-D

Edited March 21, 2013 by JackD4niels

[LittleTiger]

I think the pattern of feelings for people in an LDR probably depends on the couple, the depth and length of their relationship, their level of commitment to one another, the age of the people involved, how busy their lives are when apart, other friendships and support networks etc etc etc

 

I don't think there is any pattern for me. We've been LDR for three and a half years and time apart has varied between 6 weeks at the shortest and 11 months at the longest. We usually get at least a month for each visit - the next one might be a lot longer. We love being together and we hate being apart. Sometimes it's relatively easy to cope, other times it isn't.

 

It can be a rollercoaster so, provided things are mostly positive, I tend to just go along with the ride.

[PepperPotts]

We definitely have a pattern.

 

We're right there with you on the first couple-- the first few days are sad, then the first couple of weeks aren't that bad.

 

Day 40 is when we both become stressed out about the whole thing-- we're affectionate people (with each other, anyway) and both relax in very specific ways. Once we haven't had that for forty days... we get tense. This is generally the week when we will have a fight, because he gets snippy and I get bummed. I get worried that he's getting tired of me, and he gets frustrated because he thinks he isn't making me happy.

 

The last week is generally nervousness and excitement.

 

We're in the first week of our last round of this right now, so I'm going to try to break the pattern this time... it seems like a bad idea to get stressed and fighty on day 40 when I'm moving to where he is on day 50!!!

 

I would also say that the pattern gets more intense and more frustrating after every visit. I really thought it would get easier the longer we did it and the closer we got to the end, but the period before our most recent visit nearly destroyed us. It just gets harder and harder to be apart from the person you love.

[LittleTiger]

I would also say that the pattern gets more intense and more frustrating after every visit. I really thought it would get easier the longer we did it and the closer we got to the end, but the period before our most recent visit nearly destroyed us. It just gets harder and harder to be apart from the person you love.

 

It's interesting that you say this because I think we're the opposite.

 

It is horrible being apart from the person you love and the 11 month stint was very hard on both of us but, for us at least, the longer our relationship continues, the closer we get and the more committed we are to one another.

 

The more time we spend together, or just talking on skype, the better our understanding of one another becomes and the better our communication is - so the relationship is constantly improving and we are both growing as people at the same time.

 

It's no bed of roses, and we can fight to bring the roof down at times, but we are better at resolving our differences. As a result, the relationship runs more smoothly and our feelings and emotions seem more stable.

 

That seems to be how it works for us anyway.

 

I wish we were going to be together full time in 50 days though! Lucky you!

[PepperPotts]

Everything was smooth sailing until that last round. He had a ton of stressful things hit him all at once, plus it's now "real" that I'm moving in two months. Neither one of us is a big "yay change" kind of person, so it's scary, you know? I think that's why it was a rougher period of distance than the normal pattern.

 

I was over the anxious feelings after our visit last weekend and was feeling back to normal about everything, and last night I had nightmares and today I'm completely on edge. It doesn't *matter* that I rationally know everything is fine and nothing has changed-- I'm terrified that he's changing his mind about us right this very second, and I'm tired of the stress distance puts on our relationship.

 

Jack, I would also say that while our feelings don't grow less intense the longer we're apart, we grow less certain (of each other's feelings, of our ability to make the other person happy, of the consequences if this doesn't work, etc.), and more frustrated with the distance. What good is it to be in a relationship with someone you can't be with right now? It's all the responsibility and almost none of the benefits. And those benefits include certainty, and lower risks.

 

I'm not saying it isn't worth it, and I'm not saying I regret anything, or that I'm not sure I'm in the right relationship with the right person. I'm just saying, for us, now that we've been apart for ten months, we're frazzled.

 

Oh, and Tiger, I think we're not really that different-- the last separation period he changed jobs, so our communication was abruptly decimated. Literally-- I would say we can now talk/text 10% of what we did before. We were also growing closer and more committed every day until that happened-- the change was really hard.

Edited March 22, 2013 by PepperPotts

[LittleTiger]

Oh, and Tiger, I think we're not really that different-- the last separation period he changed jobs, so our communication was abruptly decimated. Literally-- I would say we can now talk/text 10% of what we did before. We were also growing closer and more committed every day until that happened-- the change was really hard.

 

I agree. Lack of contact and communication is the biggest relationship killer there is - whether LDR or not.

 

There was a period during our relationship when my guy was out of work and our contact time dropped dramatically purely because of cost - it was a nightmare and almost destroyed us. Being apart for 11 months was difficult but it was the reasons for the time apart that created the stress (lack of money, health issues etc) as well as being unable to support each (no access to skype and limited phone time), rather than the length of time itself - if that makes sense.

 

However, this is what I meant in my first post when I said it depends on a number of factors in the relationship. A difficult period due to lack of contact time is not a pattern, it's an out of the ordinary situation. Our relationship gets tough when bad things happen at either end (such as job loss) but there is no pattern to our feelings under normal circumstances.

 

We are in a relationship, we love each other, we are committed and we don't feel sad for X period and happy for Y period depending on when we last saw each other or when we will next see each other. It's no easier or harder just because we saw each other yesterday or will see each other next week. Under normal circumstances, we don't have doubts about our future, we just deal with day to day life and support each other as best we can.

 

That's not to say that having to tear ourselves apart isn't difficult and painful, or that anticipating a visit isn't exciting, but my own experience is very different from what the OP describes and I'm pretty sure my guy would agree with me.