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Long Distance Relationship... over??


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Hi I am only new to this but i was wondering if i could get some advice.

 

I have been in an LDR for the past 10 months to an amazing guy. The problem is neither of us is willing to move so we would be looking at being LDR for 4 more years. I am a single mum of a 7 year old boy (his dad doesn't see him) and I love the area I am in, I have family support, friends, job and I am in university (3 years to go). My SO is in his town where he has just started his university degree (4 years to go). Because his specific degree is not available in my state he wants me to move to him and transfer my degree (which will add another year to my degree). But if I do this I would be moving to a place where I don't know anybody other than him, so i would have no family support, I would also have to give up my job which I love because I can work around my son and I would have to transfer my uni degree to his state. I have asked him to move here and transfer to a similar degree but he doesn't want to as he is doing exactly what he wants at uni. I have also said to him that I am not prepared to do distance for 4 more years until he can move here, but he thinks I am being selfish and that it is only a short time in a lifetime and that we can move back to my state once his degree is finished. One of my biggest concerns is that my son and my mum have a very close relationship and by moving it would be very hard on both of them and I also couldn't see myself happy in his state I would only be moving to be with him. Is it time to end the relationship? And yes we have spoken about marriage and future plans. He has also not yet traveled to my state or met my son, though he paid for my last trip. We have not seen each other since November, as neither of us have had enough money for the flights so our main contact is phone and skype. I am 25 and he is 27.

Edited by 1988_B
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Your main priority should be your son.

 

I have friends who are single parents and they set a standard that when they meet someone new, they need to know that their child and them are a packaged deal. No exceptions. You have to do what's best for you aka: have your job to support your son, be close to family since they are helping while you continue your education so you can build a better future for you and your son. If he is willing to have you leave all of that, give it up just to be with him, he is selfish.

 

Bridging the gap in a LDR is a 50/50 effort. The load should not be on just the person who is moving... my bf and I are planning to bridge the gap and I know with visa's etc that I may not be able to work for 6+ months until all the paperwork goes through. My BF (he will then be my Fiance) knows that from now until we file our papers, he has to be financially ready to take on the load for the time being.

 

If your BF is unwilling to help you or your son, it would be a dealbreaker for me. You're giving up everything to move to another state and he conveniently has no responsibility in that? No thanks. I'm personally looking for a partnership not just someone to be with.

Edited by CherryT
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Hi thank you for your reply. He is willing to help my son n I get down there and help support us while we are there till I get work but I would still be loosing my family support and would have no friends there and would have to start at a new uni. But he is unwilling to move as his degree is not available in my state but I agree with you the better set up for my son n I is in my home town. I just feel by me moving there he is not having to sacrifice anything, where I have to sacrifice everything. Good luck with the move to you and you BF/Fiance :)

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Hi thank you for your reply. He is willing to help my son n I get down there and help support us while we are there till I get work but I would still be loosing my family support and would have no friends there and would have to start at a new uni. But he is unwilling to move as his degree is not available in my state but I agree with you the better set up for my son n I is in my home town. I just feel by me moving there he is not having to sacrifice anything, where I have to sacrifice everything. Good luck with the move to you and you BF/Fiance :)

 

This would be my concern... if he's in full-time uni doing his degree, how will he be able to support you? Does he live at home with his parents? Are you OK with that? You've been dating for 10 months, how often have you seen eachother? How is your communication? Do you fight now? Things are amplified 10 fold when you become "local" so you have to be prepared for those changes too.

 

My BF and I are very close to each others family and although I'd love to pack my bags today and move to him, we just want to do it the right way. Maybe you can do a transfer after your second year when you're doing your higher credit courses and electives? once you have your general studies done? His family is always asking me why haven't I moved yet and it really is simple... we need the time to prep as much as it kills us being a part. Also, I said to his sibling the other day "had I moved months ago, maybe our relationship wouldn't have been the same either?" In the last (almost) year I've gone back and forth so many times that I've started building a relationship with his family independently. I'll hang out with his siblings without him and that time we've had apart allowed us to create that and allowed his family to see me as his future wife and not his girlfriend who didn't think and just moved to be with him. Not that it matters what others think, but I want our families (both of them) to know that we're thinking this through and see ourselves together for the rest of our lives... which means no rush and doing it the right way. We will be together eventually... so why does it have to be today. If we did this 10 months-1 year down the road, would we be in a better position financially etc.

 

It may be more difficult to plan a year out, but maybe that's what you need to do. If he's OK with financially supporting you he should be OK with spending the cash to see you more often. Let him know that this is temporary and that you need time to build a safety net and to organize your things to ensure that your son is taken care of and that you have the opportunity to build some friendships or ties with his family.

Edited by CherryT
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Hi his family live in another state from both of us and he is working while studying so finance isn't that much of an issue. At the moment we haven't seen each other in 4 months which I have found very difficult. And before that for week every 2-3 months. Because his family are in another state I have not yet met them. I am just very hesitant to give up everything I have got in order to move there. And I am not willing to do distance for another 4 years. especially only seeing each other a few time a year. As far as fighting goes we dont really argue that much except for when we haven't seen each other for awhile as we both get frustrated. I think at this point my best decision is to end it as I dont want to remove my son from the rest of my family and I dont want to go backward in my degree.

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Being in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now, I know where you're at, and I know it's hard. Unfortunately I don't have a magical fix-everything answer for you. But maybe I can help put it into perspective.

 

My boyfriend has a son. He doesn't live with him, but he sees him every day and is very involved in his life, as it should be. We're both in college, he works part-time, and I was getting my degree in a difficult subject at a very prestigious school on a scholarship. Naturally, he couldn't go anywhere because of his son. And I couldn't go anywhere because of school.

 

We sat in this limbo for a good year before I started thinking, more and more, that I should do it. I'd be graduating and going off to grad school; why not go where he is? I have fully decided this now, almost 2 years into our relationship. We've met each other's families, and had extended visits with one another. We've talked about anything and everything under the sun, including getting married one day (in the next few years). We have a set plan in place for when I do move. I tell you this because at first, I felt like you. Why should I move? Why is that fair? I'd have to give up going to x school, or deciding I want to live in y place, because his life there is more important than mine wherever I decide to go? But the longer I was with him, the sillier those excuses sounded, and he never pushed me. He never asked me to move for him; in fact, he encouraged me to explore my graduate school options and to not settle. And I haven't. I realized that I want a life with him, and I can still go to a great school, too. He'll be moving with me, a few hours away, but short enough to see his son and family on weekends. (He insists that I go with him every weekend so we don't have to be apart :D) And I get to have him AND grad school. I'm moving further - yes. But I wanted to move anyways. We compromised a little bit and I'm OKAY with that.

 

The red flags here are (a) you've only been together 10 months; (b) neither one of you will be at a 'crossroads' to be able to move somewhat easily for another 3-4 years; © he's pressuring you to move there, when you think he should move to you. The way you two are going at it now, you'll just end up resenting each other. I would say give it some more time, and see where you are in another year or so. How do you feel? Are you sick of the distance and willing to close it no matter what? Or do you still feel like he should move instead of you, or that another 2-3 years is much too long to wait for someone? If that's true, it seems the relationship has run its course. And if he's not special enough to wait a year for, well, you have your answer there - you won't be happy moving there, either.

 

I guess my tl;dr would be: DO NOT MOVE UNLESS YOU ARE 110%+ CERTAIN. You have to REALLY, REALLY want the commitment, otherwise the resentment will kill the relationship you moved for, and then you'll be COMPLETELY alone in a new city. (This is even more important for you as your son lives with you and would be uprooted as well!) It worries me that you two are pressuring each other; as far as conversations on moving at 10 months of our relationship, all I did was hint and ask vague questions about the future and whether or not we should be thinking about moving, being together, etc. My bf has NEVER ONCE told me I should come live next to him (as in a serious proposition), and I have NEVER ONCE told him with seriousness that he needs to move to me. He never even told me he WANTED that, because he didn't want what he said to influence my decision. (I wasn't that composed, haha, but I knew it wasn't realistic and never expected him to do something like that.) Those kinds of demands are absolutely toxic to a relationship. If one or the other of you don't come to a certain decision on your own, it's probably not meant to be.

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