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It was his girl best friend all along..


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izziedetorres

Hey! I'm sort of new to this so please understand.. So ummm..

 

My ex boyfriend (he is my first..) and I met in high school. My dad just died and I was still quite not ready to be around people yet (even my friends).. We really didn't know each other existed up until we had to do a project together in class. I was one of the top students in the class which kinda made him intimidated at first.. While we were doing that project, he was still in a relationship with his first girlfriend (being the nice girl that I am, I wasn't interested in dating..) A few months of being friends with him, he told me while we were chatting in facebook that his girlfriend broke up with him because she found another guy and that the guy and his ex got together 2 days after she broke up with him.. I consoled him and told him that everything would be fine, and that those things are unavoidable in our age.. After a month or so, he told me he liked another girl and that this girl was his friend and asked me for advice (we were best friend-ish at this stage) I gave him advice and helped him get her (even though I had developed a slight crush for him already..) She said yes to him but eventually broke up with him, saying that she wasn't ready and that she just saw him as a friend.. I was there when he needed someone to cry on.. Someone to lean on.. and so being the best friend he had at the time, I comforted him once again by making him happy during class and taking his mind off of things..

 

After a few weeks, he was completely over her and we had the chance to work on a project once again.. this time it was a dance number that was by partner.. @_@ (our mentors kept on teasing us and put us as partners..I was so nervous 'cause it was the first time i held a boy's hand..) Fast forward. We practiced everyday until 8 in the evening and we would get really nervous when we're around each other.. Months passed and there was a school dance .. We had the chance to chat online about our plans (I really didn't have any plan on going cause I wanted to avoid him.. I'd fallen for him at this point..) He told me he wanted to ask a girl but he wasn't sure if she'd say yes to dancing with him.. I asked him who it was and then he eventually told me it was me.. I said sure since we were friends.. So from there on, we fell for each other and have been together for 3 1/2 years..

 

We had fights where he would be violent and punch things but I stood by him.. Even though he almost hit me one time.. I just hugged him and made him feel better by saying i love you.. He walked out on me while we were walking down the street cause i found out he had been calling me names behind my back.. Before I left I made my friends hide gifts for him like my valentines gift for him (which he never acknowledged..)

 

Recently, I moved to another country. I had to. Education is pretty important for my family (plus they never knew i had a boyfriend..cool ay?) He broke up with me after a month of being here.. at first he told me we needed a break and that we need to figure things out first before we go into a relationship.. I eventually agreed and things happened then he broke up with me.. He told me nothing was going to save us and that he liked another girl (his girl best friend that i was jealous of even before cause i caught him hiding a picture of her in his wallet..) I don't get it.. we were together for 3 1/2 years and in just a month he goes and courts this other girl..

 

Where did I go wrong.. Please help.. I've been suffering a lot lately cause im still adjusting here.. Help..What should I do..

 

He's been very rude to me.. Posting evil statuses on facebook.. It hurts so much..

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Cat...woke me up, lol. I am texting this with one eye open.

 

You two are young...you probably just turned 18, and left for college. Chances where great, you two wouldn't be together forever. Promises....aare meaningless...cause we as people rarely fulfill them.

 

He is immature. Childish(natural.) Has no control over his anger, and couldn't handle a ldr/relationship...as a relationship has respect, he clearly had none for you.....You need to do the hard thing and remove him from social medias.

 

He isn't even a friend...or he'd not sspeak bad about you, on fb. You hurt your recovery by keeping contact. He is nothing but a boy...acting immature. 3 1/2 years is quite sometime...i know your pain....i was in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. Gemma and I made promises we too couldn't keep(ofc her moreso)....

 

It is always best, never to make promises, until you know they can 100% be fulfilled.

 

You are young...this is key....to a successful relationship: communication, trust, loyalty, fulfillment, sacrifice...and respect. He had no respect. Remove him, and go no contact...more guys out there. Three years is long...but, you can find one for much longer...a lifetime. The world isn't over dear...

 

Hugs*

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izziedetorres
Cat...woke me up, lol. I am texting this with one eye open.

 

You two are young...you probably just turned 18, and left for college. Chances where great, you two wouldn't be together forever. Promises....aare meaningless...cause we as people rarely fulfill them.

 

He is immature. Childish(natural.) Has no control over his anger, and couldn't handle a ldr/relationship...as a relationship has respect, he clearly had none for you.....You need to do the hard thing and remove him from social medias.

 

He isn't even a friend...or he'd not sspeak bad about you, on fb. You hurt your recovery by keeping contact. He is nothing but a boy...acting immature. 3 1/2 years is quite sometime...i know your pain....i was in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. Gemma and I made promises we too couldn't keep(ofc her moreso)....

 

It is always best, never to make promises, until you know they can 100% be fulfilled.

 

You are young...this is key....to a successful relationship: communication, trust, loyalty, fulfillment, sacrifice...and respect. He had no respect. Remove him, and go no contact...more guys out there. Three years is long...but, you can find one for much longer...a lifetime. The world isn't over dear...

 

Hugs*

 

You're right but it still hurts though.. he was my first and he was there for me..

 

I'm thinking of unfriending him on facebook since he is really rude to me.. I still love the guy and We've been through a lot.. I kept my promise till the last moment.. I just hope one day he'd see things through my perspective.. he'd understand me better..

 

I feel so lost.. Thank you.. You made me feel better today..

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izziedetorres

I just really wanna know where did I go wrong.. Was I not sufficient.. I love him so much still.. I'm having a really really bad time here.. When I said my goodbye to him he was very rude but that didn't stop me from saying that I loved him still.. Will he ever get me.. Will we get back together..

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Noooo, no no no, no, no. Sorry, but... no. From everything you told me, he sounds like a jerk. I'm sorry, but it's true! 3.5 years, you leave for school, and he leaves you for someone else? Temper tantrums and almost HITTING you?

 

You should've left him when you realized he had no impulse control.

 

I know it's hard. I know it sucks. But right now, he's all you know. You think he's the best because he's the only one you've had! You're young and you have SO MUCH TIME. Didn't anyone ever tell you that you have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find your prince? ;)

 

Don't grovel anymore. Don't talk to him. Don't give him the time of day. Unfriend him and NEVER look back. You deserve so much better, and once you get it, you'll realize that I'm right. But you have to give it a chance. You're in a new place, probably off-kilter a bit from the move, maybe feeling lonely? I broke up with my HS SO when I went off to college, too. It was a terrible relationship. I felt SO free afterwards! I was lonely sometimes, sure. But I met new people, joined a bunch of clubs, started doing things I loved... and everything was SO much better. Several years later I'm with someone who respects me, cares for me, and knows how to show it. He's never so much raised his voice to me, much less his hand. I have NEVER been afraid that he would lay a finger on me in anger. He doesn't even look at other women, at all, ever. We're crazy about one another and I never knew relationships could be this good. Really.

 

You'll find someone like that for you, just give it time. Once you grow and mature a bit as a person, you'll realize you're so much better off with him. But don't torture yourself now; he's being immature, vindictive, and cruel. There is absolutely no reason you should put up with this. Get MAD! Be ANGRY! He shouldn't treat you like that! Why are you letting him?

 

Good luck. I've been there, although I was the one who ended the HS relationship in my case, and it wasn't that long. But... I was very broken afterwards, and it took a while to put back the pieces. Good news? The end result was MUCH better than what I started off with, and I haven't looked back for a moment. Just try to get out and get your mind off of things! :)

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IfiKnewThen

izzie. heres the BIG RED FLAG THAT I SEE.

 

 

its called his "FEMALE FRIEND". when guys keep a female friend around and spend time making them their "confidant" and not you, it will subtract from you two being friends. often times the "female friend" will be jealous of the 2 of you and set out to sabotage. plus he didnt have to work as hard with the two of you because he always felt he had a fall back person he was attracted to.

 

heres what needs to happen now for you. its called the healing [process. you have to go thru it too: 1st there is shock, then hope, then disspear, then anger, then acceptance. you have to go thru all these phases and NOT get caught in one. so make sure they shift. don't obsess in one of them. i know this is hard. its damn tough. also help someone. yes help someone. this heals heal you too. when someone does this to you you feel out of control. helping somone else makes you feel stronger and in control of something. stick with a daily routine.....something you can count on...because what he did can make you feel you cant count on anything. you have to retrain the brain and emotions. pray to God to help you get thru it. keep in touch with family and friends. have talk time to purge. then after that talk time about the situation, do and only YOU time.

 

Note next time be careful of who your B/F's "friend" is. he fell for you when you were friends with him too. its a pattern. think on how she get stuck with HIS temper. trust me on this too. they WONT last. but dont "hope" for him. pray for someone new and pay attention to an answered prayer. trust hope believe.

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izziedetorres
Noooo, no no no, no, no. Sorry, but... no. From everything you told me, he sounds like a jerk. I'm sorry, but it's true! 3.5 years, you leave for school, and he leaves you for someone else? Temper tantrums and almost HITTING you?

 

You should've left him when you realized he had no impulse control.

 

I know it's hard. I know it sucks. But right now, he's all you know. You think he's the best because he's the only one you've had! You're young and you have SO MUCH TIME. Didn't anyone ever tell you that you have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find your prince? ;)

 

Don't grovel anymore. Don't talk to him. Don't give him the time of day. Unfriend him and NEVER look back. You deserve so much better, and once you get it, you'll realize that I'm right. But you have to give it a chance. You're in a new place, probably off-kilter a bit from the move, maybe feeling lonely? I broke up with my HS SO when I went off to college, too. It was a terrible relationship. I felt SO free afterwards! I was lonely sometimes, sure. But I met new people, joined a bunch of clubs, started doing things I loved... and everything was SO much better. Several years later I'm with someone who respects me, cares for me, and knows how to show it. He's never so much raised his voice to me, much less his hand. I have NEVER been afraid that he would lay a finger on me in anger. He doesn't even look at other women, at all, ever. We're crazy about one another and I never knew relationships could be this good. Really.

 

You'll find someone like that for you, just give it time. Once you grow and mature a bit as a person, you'll realize you're so much better off with him. But don't torture yourself now; he's being immature, vindictive, and cruel. There is absolutely no reason you should put up with this. Get MAD! Be ANGRY! He shouldn't treat you like that! Why are you letting him?

 

Good luck. I've been there, although I was the one who ended the HS relationship in my case, and it wasn't that long. But... I was very broken afterwards, and it took a while to put back the pieces. Good news? The end result was MUCH better than what I started off with, and I haven't looked back for a moment. Just try to get out and get your mind off of things! :)

 

I'm really trying to move on.. It's just that I really can't cope that quickly especially everything around me is changing.. I miss him, maybe that's why deep inside me I still hope he'd come back..

 

but anyway, my friends told me I deserve better.. I know that now.. I have to move on and pick up the pieces and continue with what I do.. Thank You So Much :)

 

Maybe I loved him too much that's why I stood by him for too long..

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izziedetorres
izzie. heres the BIG RED FLAG THAT I SEE.

 

 

its called his "FEMALE FRIEND". when guys keep a female friend around and spend time making them their "confidant" and not you, it will subtract from you two being friends. often times the "female friend" will be jealous of the 2 of you and set out to sabotage. plus he didnt have to work as hard with the two of you because he always felt he had a fall back person he was attracted to.

 

heres what needs to happen now for you. its called the healing [process. you have to go thru it too: 1st there is shock, then hope, then disspear, then anger, then acceptance. you have to go thru all these phases and NOT get caught in one. so make sure they shift. don't obsess in one of them. i know this is hard. its damn tough. also help someone. yes help someone. this heals heal you too. when someone does this to you you feel out of control. helping somone else makes you feel stronger and in control of something. stick with a daily routine.....something you can count on...because what he did can make you feel you cant count on anything. you have to retrain the brain and emotions. pray to God to help you get thru it. keep in touch with family and friends. have talk time to purge. then after that talk time about the situation, do and only YOU time.

 

Note next time be careful of who your B/F's "friend" is. he fell for you when you were friends with him too. its a pattern. think on how she get stuck with HIS temper. trust me on this too. they WONT last. but dont "hope" for him. pray for someone new and pay attention to an answered prayer. trust hope believe.

 

I told him that even when we were okay.. He just told me I was the only one.. well, i was right all along.. How are you sure they won't last.. I just want to ask that..

 

I unfriended him on facebook a few days ago and it felt somehow liberating..

 

Thank You So Much..

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izziedetorres
he really sounds a bit too unstable for it to last. i have a feeling

 

I don't know what I did wrong.. He's acting as if nothing happend.. My friend told me he's talking sh*t again about me and I find that unfair cause I'm not there to explain my side.. I feel so alone.. How can a guy who you got to be with for 3.5 years just forget you like that.. I don't want to contact him cause he'd just be rude and embarrass me.. And my friend told me they're just friends now..

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izziedetorres
please tell me how your friend knows so much about him so i can weigh in on that

 

Our friend has been there since we started and our friend and contacts me a lot to make sure i'm okay..and actually our friend tried to help fix us but my ex liked the female friend so much.. My ex keeps on blaming me.. He keeps on talking sh*t about me.. They have a ball coming up and he's going to ask the female friend to be his date.. I'm very hurt.. How could someone really do that..

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IfiKnewThen

ok. no matter how well intended a friend or a mutual friend is people NEVER EVER seem to tell another person what we REALLY want them to say. OR unbeknownst to us, our friends and family alike, can say opinionated things of their own to to someone that make things look like that's YOUR opinion too when it may not be. outsiders......AKA well intended friends and family have helped screw up my life with things they have said either thinking its in my behalf or misunderstanding what i am truly telling them. i have truly learned now, that when i want to say something..i say it myself so i wont be remotely misunderstood , quoted or have a well intended person's opinion interjected in there. even if your mutual friend is not relaying any messages to him..... HER or HIS tone (your Mutual friend) can make a person maybe misread things. she even might actually misread him to YOU. life is full of mishaps and unfortunate events. and even if you tell someone something in secrecy ...everyone knows someone else they trust to tell the thing you told them. so someone else could also be giving him feedback info from something you said to this mutual friend, who thought they told something to someone who was mutual. i know this is hard to follow. but if you hone in to what i am saying you will realize, you might not be getting real accurate information and that acurate info isnt getting back to him proper either.

 

just as a test..try not to tell your mutual friend too much of what you are FEELING. because she could say to him. she feels bad or sad and misses you and it make him feel all powerful in the driver seat. she may not even know shes doing this to the two of u. ok this is NOT about the mutual friend, i get that BUT be careful how you speak to a "mutual friend".

 

aso right now i think he figures...well shes in another country. i am gonna sow my oats. why be bogged down. he can think...ok i was friends with this girl...maybe she is more right for me...lets see. like i said "friends" can hurt situations more than help. his girl "friend" while with you didnt HELP your situation and it even gave him an out to not feel the pain of losing you because he had her as a back up plan. this man is selfish. you deserve so much better. he had a temper. you stood by him. hes trouble. you DID dodge a control freaks bullet. dont want tfor him at all. throw yourself into good things and live your life till u are finally happy. someday they wont work out either...because he has not worked on HIMSELF. and what he did to one he can do to another. he may contact you again someday. here is how to maybe snap him out of it a bit. dont tell the mutual friend ANYTHING new about your life. disappear a while (please test this out). one day soon your ex will ask the mutual friend " hey have you heard from izzie?" and he or she will say " no its weird. we always used to talk about you but lately i havent heard a peep from her". he will totally wonder and go crazyyyyyyyyyy and he will be with the new girl but thinking of you wondering what youre up to. he will wonder did she find a new love? is she alive? what happened? but the trick is NOT to be in contact with the mutual friend. you need to really make him wonder. but in the meantime. dont wait to live. live while you wait. and see what happens. good luck to you. be blessed.

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izziedetorres
ok. no matter how well intended a friend or a mutual friend is people NEVER EVER seem to tell another person what we REALLY want them to say. OR unbeknownst to us, our friends and family alike, can say opinionated things of their own to to someone that make things look like that's YOUR opinion too when it may not be. outsiders......AKA well intended friends and family have helped screw up my life with things they have said either thinking its in my behalf or misunderstanding what i am truly telling them. i have truly learned now, that when i want to say something..i say it myself so i wont be remotely misunderstood , quoted or have a well intended person's opinion interjected in there. even if your mutual friend is not relaying any messages to him..... HER or HIS tone (your Mutual friend) can make a person maybe misread things. she even might actually misread him to YOU. life is full of mishaps and unfortunate events. and even if you tell someone something in secrecy ...everyone knows someone else they trust to tell the thing you told them. so someone else could also be giving him feedback info from something you said to this mutual friend, who thought they told something to someone who was mutual. i know this is hard to follow. but if you hone in to what i am saying you will realize, you might not be getting real accurate information and that acurate info isnt getting back to him proper either.

 

just as a test..try not to tell your mutual friend too much of what you are FEELING. because she could say to him. she feels bad or sad and misses you and it make him feel all powerful in the driver seat. she may not even know shes doing this to the two of u. ok this is NOT about the mutual friend, i get that BUT be careful how you speak to a "mutual friend".

 

aso right now i think he figures...well shes in another country. i am gonna sow my oats. why be bogged down. he can think...ok i was friends with this girl...maybe she is more right for me...lets see. like i said "friends" can hurt situations more than help. his girl "friend" while with you didnt HELP your situation and it even gave him an out to not feel the pain of losing you because he had her as a back up plan. this man is selfish. you deserve so much better. he had a temper. you stood by him. hes trouble. you DID dodge a control freaks bullet. dont want tfor him at all. throw yourself into good things and live your life till u are finally happy. someday they wont work out either...because he has not worked on HIMSELF. and what he did to one he can do to another. he may contact you again someday. here is how to maybe snap him out of it a bit. dont tell the mutual friend ANYTHING new about your life. disappear a while (please test this out). one day soon your ex will ask the mutual friend " hey have you heard from izzie?" and he or she will say " no its weird. we always used to talk about you but lately i havent heard a peep from her". he will totally wonder and go crazyyyyyyyyyy and he will be with the new girl but thinking of you wondering what youre up to. he will wonder did she find a new love? is she alive? what happened? but the trick is NOT to be in contact with the mutual friend. you need to really make him wonder. but in the meantime. dont wait to live. live while you wait. and see what happens. good luck to you. be blessed.

 

Thank you for the advice, I won't contact him (our mutual friend) for the next few weeks maybe. I really need time to think and heal myself. In the mean time I'll keep contact only with my closest friends. They despise my ex so it's fine if I keep in touch with them. All I can do now is pray so that I'd have the strength to go through everyday..

 

Do you reckon he'd realize the real gravity of the situation.. I just really want an apology.. Somehow..

 

Thank you so much..

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IfiKnewThen

if you stay away from him and stay a mystery...i think he himself would try to contact you. but no one else can get back to him. not a peep about you OR your 'feelings". it would help to become a total mystery now. i think that can create missing and longing. you can only try. in the meantime you cant wait to live. you have to LIVE WHILE you wait. (and see)

 

see if you can smoke him out that way. and meantime work on you to survive and feel better and stronger. dont count on him for anything. say to yourself i am gonna try this method. by the way , i didnt make this method up. i have read about it in countless books....i have tried it....it worked for me a few times...very successfully....and has worked for others. guys dont like hard to get. but they do like a chase...hunt...mystery and to not be sooo sure of themselves.

 

if that doesnt work. then you always have to option to write to him and say..you hurt my feelings. i am a survivor and am doing fine. but i would like some kind of an apology from you for closure purposes and as a man i am hoping you'll provide that. BUT i wouldnt go for that angle now. disappearing with no way for him to know what your up to will create more angst and curiosity in him. methinks

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izziedetorres
if you stay away from him and stay a mystery...i think he himself would try to contact you. but no one else can get back to him. not a peep about you OR your 'feelings". it would help to become a total mystery now. i think that can create missing and longing. you can only try. in the meantime you cant wait to live. you have to LIVE WHILE you wait. (and see)

 

see if you can smoke him out that way. and meantime work on you to survive and feel better and stronger. dont count on him for anything. say to yourself i am gonna try this method. by the way , i didnt make this method up. i have read about it in countless books....i have tried it....it worked for me a few times...very successfully....and has worked for others. guys dont like hard to get. but they do like a chase...hunt...mystery and to not be sooo sure of themselves.

 

if that doesnt work. then you always have to option to write to him and say..you hurt my feelings. i am a survivor and am doing fine. but i would like some kind of an apology from you for closure purposes and as a man i am hoping you'll provide that. BUT i wouldnt go for that angle now. disappearing with no way for him to know what your up to will create more angst and curiosity in him. methinks

 

Thank you so much :) my friends agreed with what you said and that it's my turn to be chased around.. (I was always the one who compromised in the relationship..) I'm living in the moment as of now and trying to forget him.. But I still love the guy and still (i think) hoping one day his senses would get to him and just apologize.. As of now, I will live while I wait.. I deserve to be happy..

 

Thank you so much!

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