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"Boyfriend" will not come over?


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To make a very long and complicated story short, I've been in a relationship with a guy I met and we're long distance. We both worked at the same place in 2010 and he moved away for a better job. In person, we were just friends. It wasn't until we caught up with each other through Facebook that we started developing romantic feelings. We've been talking for over a year but haven't seen each other due to conflicts with work. I recently lost my job and he suggested I basically stay with him to see where this is going. He wants me to get a job and start planning on settling down with him. I'm okay with doing that if he comes to see me ONCE. He won't. He thinks it's a waste of time and money even when I'm offering to pay. I don't want to pack up all of my stuff to move there when he can't even make one trip. I told him if he comes here and spends a mere weekend with me, two things will happen. I'll go back with him (or shortly thereafter) or we'll stop talking if it doesn't work obviously. What is his deal? He's ready to end things because I won't come. Am I wrong? Should I just go and ignore my gut?

Edited by essiexo
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It sounds like he is ready to end things and instead of just telling you straight up , he is refusing to come there. Secondly, he is trying to make it seem like its your fault that the relationship is falling apart because you dont have a job. I would say ok. and let him have it his way and move on. He needs to grow up before he can start a life with you or anyone else.

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Does he want you to move permanently already?

 

If those are his reasons for not coming, then I wouldn't go...

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To make a very long and complicated story short, I've been in a relationship with a guy I met and we're long distance. We both worked at the same place in 2010 and he moved away for a better job. In person, we were just friends. It wasn't until we caught up with each other through Facebook that we started developing romantic feelings. We've been talking for over a year but haven't seen each other due to conflicts with work. I recently lost my job and he suggested I basically stay with him to see where this is going. He wants me to get a job and start planning on settling down with him. I'm okay with doing that if he comes to see me ONCE. He won't. He thinks it's a waste of time and money even when I'm offering to pay. I don't want to pack up all of my stuff to move there when he can't even make one trip. I told him if he comes here and spends a mere weekend with me, two things will happen. I'll go back with him (or shortly thereafter) or we'll stop talking if it doesn't work obviously. What is his deal? He's ready to end things because I won't come. Am I wrong? Should I just go and ignore my gut?

 

A few observations:

 

1 So, you both an attempt to see each other, but due to work scheduling you never hooked up? But, NOW he's convinced that it would be a waste of time and money?

2. You've not seen each other since you became "romantically" interested via FB??? You became romantically engaged while communicating on FB? Wow.

3. It sounds to me that he's the controlling, selfish type. It just doesn't make any sense, if he's really interested in you, that he couldn't make the FIRST and SINGLE visit since you both became romantically interested.

4. He feels that it's a waste of money and time, but has no problem asking YOU to uproot and make the move to him....w/o guarantees, commitments, offer of payment for travel/move...and all this from a relationship over FB??????

 

RED FLAGS as far as I'm concerned. Tell him that if he can't even make a trip out that he must not be serious. That you find this unreasonable and inconsiderate considering you're the one w/o the job and likely with more stressing financial concerns. Heck, you offered to pay for him to come out to you!!!

 

RED FLAGS!

 

I would say, forget about him. Really, there's nothing from what you've told us that would intimate that this guy is serious, considerate, reasonable.

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A few observations:

 

1 So, you both an attempt to see each other, but due to work scheduling you never hooked up? But, NOW he's convinced that it would be a waste of time and money?

2. You've not seen each other since you became "romantically" interested via FB??? You became romantically engaged while communicating on FB? Wow.

3. It sounds to me that he's the controlling, selfish type. It just doesn't make any sense, if he's really interested in you, that he couldn't make the FIRST and SINGLE visit since you both became romantically interested.

4. He feels that it's a waste of money and time, but has no problem asking YOU to uproot and make the move to him....w/o guarantees, commitments, offer of payment for travel/move...and all this from a relationship over FB??????

 

RED FLAGS as far as I'm concerned. Tell him that if he can't even make a trip out that he must not be serious. That you find this unreasonable and inconsiderate considering you're the one w/o the job and likely with more stressing financial concerns. Heck, you offered to pay for him to come out to you!!!

 

RED FLAGS!

 

I would say, forget about him. Really, there's nothing from what you've told us that would intimate that this guy is serious, considerate, reasonable.

 

We reconnected through FB but Skype and talk on the phone every day. Do you think it's unreasonable that I ask he come here?

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ExpatInItaly

I would never in a million years go and "settle down" with this guy. Why does he call all the shots? You haven't seen each since becoming romantically involved, even after you offered to pay? I don't understand how this a relationship...

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I would never in a million years go and "settle down" with this guy. Why does he call all the shots? You haven't seen each since becoming romantically involved, even after you offered to pay? I don't understand how this a relationship...

 

You're right, it barely is one. What would you say to him? I don't know how I would even get him to come here. And I don't get why he wouldn't want to when he wants me there so bad. He nags me all the time about how I'm not there and when am I coming. Yet if he really wanted to see me, why hasn't he?

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NoMoreJerks
A few observations:

 

1 So, you both an attempt to see each other, but due to work scheduling you never hooked up? But, NOW he's convinced that it would be a waste of time and money?

2. You've not seen each other since you became "romantically" interested via FB??? You became romantically engaged while communicating on FB? Wow.

3. It sounds to me that he's the controlling, selfish type. It just doesn't make any sense, if he's really interested in you, that he couldn't make the FIRST and SINGLE visit since you both became romantically interested.

4. He feels that it's a waste of money and time, but has no problem asking YOU to uproot and make the move to him....w/o guarantees, commitments, offer of payment for travel/move...and all this from a relationship over FB??????

 

RED FLAGS as far as I'm concerned. Tell him that if he can't even make a trip out that he must not be serious. That you find this unreasonable and inconsiderate considering you're the one w/o the job and likely with more stressing financial concerns. Heck, you offered to pay for him to come out to you!!!

 

RED FLAGS!

 

I would say, forget about him. Really, there's nothing from what you've told us that would intimate that this guy is serious, considerate, reasonable.

Yeah, this. Sounds so much like my ex, in terms of selfishness. It makes no sense that he's asking that you make such a huge move, when he's unwilling to even come for a VISIT.

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Yeah, this. Sounds so much like my ex, in terms of selfishness. It makes no sense that he's asking that you make such a huge move, when he's unwilling to even come for a VISIT.

 

I even told him that I would fly back with him. And pay. I just want him to make a move. I want to talk in person. When I tried bringing it up, he says its "too much".

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Never, ever, EVER NEVER - Ignore your 'gut'.

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...You know what to do now.... Don't you? ;)

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Does he want you to move permanently already?

 

If those are his reasons for not coming, then I wouldn't go...

 

Yes and I wanted him to see me first.

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Don't say anything.

 

Cut this off at the knees. Prolonging this is useless, a waste of your time, and really fruitless.

 

Go No Contact.

Fall off his radar.

 

Any man that wants you to do all the running doesn't deserve anything more, hun.

 

(Read No Contact Link in my signature. As the Dumper who's been 'dumped' already, it will show you how to do this.)

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We reconnected through FB but Skype and talk on the phone every day. Do you think it's unreasonable that I ask he come here?

 

No, as I said in my post. I think that if he can't even do that then you should walk.

 

CORRECTION! Walk away NOW!

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No, as I said in my post. I think that if he can't even do that then you should walk.

 

CORRECTION! Walk away NOW!

 

I would like to see him after all of this.

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I would like to see him after all of this.

 

......

 

You ask if you're wrong to ask him to come see you at your expense ONE time before you move to be with him (and even that's not a great idea IMO, most people meet several times before moving).

 

Then everyone tells you to walk and you say something like this.

 

Are you for real???

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Dragonfruit

It sounds to me like he might like having someone to flirt with on FB but might not really want you to move in with him. ?

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I would like to see him after all of this.

 

Why the hell would you want to do that....? :confused:

 

as the saying goes - "I'm no pancake expert, but I know a tosser when I see one"....

 

What's to 'see'....?

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......

 

You ask if you're wrong to ask him to come see you at your expense ONE time before you move to be with him (and even that's not a great idea IMO, most people meet several times before moving).

 

Then everyone tells you to walk and you say something like this.

 

Are you for real???

 

For the simple fact that we talked for over a YEAR. He hasn't dated other girls. I know that because we have mutual friends that would absolutely tell me. Wouldn't you be curious about who exactly it is you've been talking to? I mean yes I've hung out with him before years ago in a friend context. But I really fell for this guy and it could give me closure.

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It sounds to me like he might like having someone to flirt with on FB but might not really want you to move in with him. ?

 

That's what I think too but why over a year? While not seeing anyone else?

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Stop offering to pay for everything for this jerk. It's quite clear he has no interest in making ANY effort at all towards this pseudo 'relationship' whatsoever.

 

Do NOT make one single MOVE where this guy is concerned. Not ONE.

 

What do you think his motives are? I don't see why he would not date anyone or talk to girls or go out and hook up. I know he doesn't because we Skype as soon as he gets home until bed. And our mutual friends would tell me.

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What do you think his motives are? I don't see why he would not date anyone or talk to girls or go out and hook up. I know he doesn't because we Skype as soon as he gets home until bed. And our mutual friends would tell me.

 

How do you know that he isn't trying to hook up? Online?

 

Are your mutual friends with him 24/7? Stalk him to catch him with another woman?

 

What do your "mutual friends" say about his behavior, idea for you to come to him?

 

Nothing adds up about this guy other than selfish, inconsiderate, cheap, dismissive...sorry, I clearly don't know this guy as well as you do, but based on what you've shared....that's all I can conclude.

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Dragonfruit
What do you think his motives are? I don't see why he would not date anyone or talk to girls or go out and hook up. I know he doesn't because we Skype as soon as he gets home until bed. And our mutual friends would tell me.

 

Do you know if he has any phobia things or tends to stay home alone a lot or some condition that might explain why he seems to want you to come stay with him but does not want to travel to see you first? Do you think he still wants you to come? It is a wild thought but then spending his evenings on Skype seems like he might be kind of a homebody, at least. Like I said, wild thought, who knows. I mean, there are people who are are very uncomfortable leaving their homes for long or flying (if a plane is involved), or even hanging out with other people in real life too much. *shrug*

Edited by Dragonfruit
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How do you know that he isn't trying to hook up? Online?

 

Are your mutual friends with him 24/7? Stalk him to catch him with another woman?

 

What do your "mutual friends" say about his behavior, idea for you to come to him?

 

Nothing adds up about this guy other than selfish, inconsiderate, cheap, dismissive...sorry, I clearly don't know this guy as well as you do, but based on what you've shared....that's all I can conclude.

 

No. The only thing I can conclude from him is that his feelings for me are probably not as strong as he leads me to believe. Obviously saying he cares and needs me doesn't make sense. If he needed me, his butt would be on a flight, right? But I do not think he is after other women. I don't see why he would keep me just to talk via phone/internet.

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