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Long distance and Married!


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We met online, we got married 6 months later. its been really great. I have been to her country twice now. I will make this as short as possible. when we first started communicating, it was little things almost every hour we would text a kiss. then after work we would skype video for like an hour. then afterwards we would text a little throughout the evening.

 

now it seems we wont text for three hours. then when we do its what are you doing "watching a movie" or listening to music" a few one liners and thats it. another hour or two goes by and the same. when we skype now its like 1 minute or 5 minutes 10 minutes. so I may see my wife for 10 minutes out of the day and have some one liners.

 

She does not work, she is home all day and I am not sure what the issue is. I texted her last week during my lunch and got a one liner and we argued about it because I feel like she is ignoring me and has something better to do.

 

today we been home all day and talked to her once on skype for 5 minutes. we texted three times (one liners) and thats it. we are on the same time frame and I am not sure how to communicate that way when its only one liners and 10 minutes of visual. I am a man and I require more face to face time with my wife. to me its strange that she does not want to communicate more than me she is a woman! ha ha ha!

 

we have been arguing about this just the other day so I am not sure why she is acting like this.

 

I call her just now and she brought some crazy talk about my mom doesnt like her because she is brown. then we hung up. to be honest I feel she is wanting reasons to not talk when I call. my mom doesnt ever Skype her but my mom really doesnt talk to anyone let alone my wife who lives in another country. they havent physically met just yet although I wish they were closer but its not that way right now.

 

so anyway I told her via text after 4 hours of not skyping I would have thought we could have something better to talk about than you saying my mom doesnt like you because you are brown. and then the abrupt ending of the call.

 

she said we spoke this morning on Skype!

 

my marriage is about to end and I hope her and I communicate better but to me she has changed.

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How long have you been married?

What are the plans for living together?

 

It sounds like perhaps she married you in a whirlwind romance and now is backing off, regretting her decision. She probably met someone local....

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we been married just a few months. she says that I complain to much. the only thing I complain about is that we dont talk enough like we used to. I think routine is important right now. we used to text in the am before I left for work. now we don't, we used to text regularly when I was at work now we dont. she goes to the gym when I get home nice. but she doesnt work. she says she likes to go to the gym at that time cause her mom gets home then so I can understand that I guess.

 

my thing is, if she doesnt work and sits at home all day on Facebook; i clearly see it in my chat window.

 

why cant you text like you used to?

 

why cant we talk on the phone VS some crapy text. we have the technology! I bought her an ipad fixed her car rings wedding I have a lot invested here and I feel I deserve better. anyway she says I am selfish. we had some issues where she would go out all night and not text me but once in the begining and then nothing. not even hey made it home.

 

I think I am not asking a lot, and yes I am a jealous person but dont give me reasons to not trust you.

 

I am trying to ignore some things for the sake of saving our marriage. we filed papers with the USCIS to have her come here. so the plan is for her to be here. she says she loves me and she is not the type to cheat the whole 9 yards but who would tell you hey I am going to cheat! she is VERY defensive of the subject.

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You've tried talking to her and she's blown you off.

You've been specific about your concerns and she's deflected.

There's not enough to go on for someone to say she's met someone else but what IS clear is she's not putting in effort to nurture the relationship.

 

If this is your level of communication, why go forward with bringing her to you?

If what you've written is accurate, you aren't asking too much and her behavior is frankly, odd.

Do you want a relationship in which your concerns are voiced and immediately labeled as simply complaints and dismissed?

Unfortunately, that's what you have.

 

Give some consideration to the actions that are staring you on the face.

She sounds cold, and a bit irrational (with the sudden accusation about your mother).

After such a whirlwind courting, how well do you know the state of her mental health?

Perhaps you need to slow down the immigration process and get a better inkling what you're dealing with.

It's easy for her to say she loves you yet you've described something else entirely.

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I want to be exact in what is going on here so that you have a better idea of how a day goes between her and I.

 

today I woke and she was sleeping still. so obviously we could not say good morning and chat. but I send a good morning to her. she eventually texted me at 9am her time (1 hour ahead) and said she loves me and she was going to continue to rest a little.

 

at 9am she texted how is the day and I told her okay I mentioned I didnt go to the gym today as I was tired and she asked why. basic chit chat. she told me she was sore from the gym and I told her to stretch. conversation lasted 2 minutes.

 

10 am she asked how the roads were. I told her fine.

 

12pm i asked if she had eaten. we talked a few minutes and she said she was taking a nap and she was bored.

 

2pm she asked what I was doing I told her working and she said she just woke up.

 

any way we texted again at 4pm small chit chat which is what I am happy with. Seems okay but its really when I am home in the evenings.

 

I got home and she didnt go to the gym so I called her we talked 7 minutes. I called her back and we talked 10 minutes so after that I was no interested in talking and she texted me with some dumb subject not sure what it was now. but I didnt call.

 

she called me at 8:27 call lasted 11 minutes and she had to get off the phone because her mother needed her. not sure what we can accomplish this way but I am thinking maybe its me. maybe I am wrapped up or something. but I dont get how a couple can have a conversation get anywhere in just a matter of minutes. we dont talk about our future we dont discuss things like where we will go what we will do its very strange. in the beginning before we got married it was different. I would have never married this woman had it been like this.

 

anyway since she got off the phone I have heard nothing not sure what she is "helping her mother with" but I am to the point where I really dont care. an hour later I just texted and asked if she was still helping her mother. she said no they are watching TV. so I guess she doesnt need to call me back since it was interrupted? its a shame because I really do love her but I feel it leaving me. I dont feel close to her and to be honest at this point if we divorce at least I will be able to THIS TIME find someone local and who is not a psychopath. I think she has no feelings and is cold. not what she was then but that is what she is now. I am not sure how to deal with a divorce where I was married in another country but this is going to be interesting. for now I have chosen to play the crouching tiger hidden dragon approach and just see how long before she realizes I am no longer interested. at some point that is what is going to happen. I will stop trying, take my ring off, and look into getting a divorce. I am thinking she wants one and doesnt want to be the one to do it maybe not sure but she is very cold hearted at the moment. she did send an email with a picture of a heart in the sand that has our initials in it that she put. and the email says forever and ever. nice email. she does say things like I dont understand why you dont trust me I didnt marry you for money, I didnt marry you to come to the USA, etc etc. and if she wants to be a bitch, then maybe she doesnt just want to come here because she is making me think twice. I dont think money or a greencard is the motive, she has family here in jersey. they can get her one quicker than I can. I dont have money. I am not rich at all. I am thinking she is just different maybe.

 

I complain she says, yes I do its about better communication. meaning longer than 5 to 10 minute intervals on Skype.

 

as you can see today we did text a bit during the day. I did not phone her from work though and I am thinking about doing just that. See what her reaction is.

 

I dont want to text all day anyway I have work to do. but when we do text its very short. like a few questions and thats it. a kiss maybe.

 

I would think once I am home we can have a nice conversation hey maybe a long one what the heck! but no we dont do that. she isn't a phone person she says. doesnt really have to be but at least a 30 minute each night would be nice. she talked tonight about her not going out on Vday because she doesnt want to be with couples and she wants to be with her husband.

 

I am a bit thrown off. yes she did come off cold but I have made accusations such as accusing her of being shady, talking to someone else, I did in a gentle way make out like she may be cheating or doing something wrong. so now she gets pist because she says we need trust. I dont trust her she says. well I dont to be honest. maybe I need to and maybe I made her this way. but its my opinion that if she was going out all night and not texting me when she got home or not texting me for hours maybe I wouldnt feel that way. she totally took the routine out of the routine.

 

thoughts?

Edited by supwitcheew
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thoughts?

 

What exactly is the point of this relationship?

 

You aren't good friends, you aren't emotionally (or currently physically) intimate, you don't support each other or have fun together......it seems as though you are married to someone you barely know and cannot communicate with. :confused:

 

I think divorce is your only sensible option - ASAP!

 

Then move on and find someone who really loves you.

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I am sending her $500 a month. I am not really sure what the deal is right now. that is probably going to stop starting now actually. I have sent more than that for the wedding and fixing her car so when i got there it had air conditioning.

 

today we texted while at work twice. she told me she was taking a nap to rest for the gym today. that lasted three hours before I finally texted her. she said I just woke up. whatever.

 

anyway she seems to get really upset if I dont answer a text from her yet today on the way home she texted me and I didnt answer and she was like you know you can at least let me know you are getting me messages.

 

I dont know what to think right now and I dont want to jump the gun but I can tell you judging by the next couple of days, I may have to attempt a convo with her regarding what we are going to do.

 

last night sucked. this morning she actually called me for 5 minutes before work while she was looking in the paper for a job. I know she isnt working and we are married. I am a nice person and I treat people right especially the people I love. If I bring **** she gets real defensive about it and gives me a lecture about trust.

 

I dont trust her. I think she has given me reason to not trust her. like right now as we speak I see her ACTIVE in facebook and I am home yet she didnt return my text message. she leaves about now to go to the gym. she wants me to tell her everyday when I am leaving from work. yet today she didnt let me know she left for the gym. she again has broken a routine. so I can play that game. if this is the case I owe nothing to her. I will take this ring off and move on with my life. it will be sad but I think its asking a lot from me to not say something about her actions.

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You need to find out if you can even get a divorce, especially if you married her in another country. Is she Catholic? You don't want to be legally responsible for her and her debts.

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OMG.... yes she is Catholic. anyway I talked to her tonight. and she was actually talking with me for like 30 minutes. we talked about bills and my situation here. she did mention not to send money this pay if I didnt have it. I just wanted to get an idea about how she would react if I told her my situation with money. Right now I have some bills that need caught up because of the $4000 I came up with for our wedding. It was nice hearing her say dont send money.

 

she seemed worried which is better than cold hearted about it. I am not sure what the hell it would take to get a divorce in her country but I am hoping at this point we dont have to get one. I am hoping she will be the person I married a few months ago and stop acting like she has the past week.

 

Example:

we came off of a big fight last week because I told her about herself. I dont mind if she goes out but when she calls me waring a shirt thats covering her cleavage then I see pics of her on facebook with the same shirt but her tits hanging out I get pist. I told her just ware the shirt the way you want but dont hide it from me. I dont care if she wants to look sexy not a big deal but I dont like her hiding it from me cause that is what makes me think she is doing something else. you know what I am saying??? its like shady ****. but we fought about it because she is really big on trust and quotes Jesus quotes and all that. thats fine but if you are going to talk the talk then walk it. dont lie to me. Girls in her country go out all the time looking good I seen it when I was visiting. she goes out with her girlfriends no big deal. I am big on being honest right now since we are like oceans apart.

 

so I agreed to chill with the comments because I am the type that says what comes out of my mouth, like oh you texted me back it took an hour you must have been busy, she cant stand sarcasm. I am the king of it.

 

Example:

if you call me and say hey I am going to the gym love you bye. (walking out the door) dont call me after the gym with a face full of makeup that WASNT on your face when you walked out. I would rather her call me like that because there is NOTHING wrong with looking good when you walk out the door! its like she thinks she can insult my intelligence and I just act like an idiot saying nothing about it. To me a woman wont respect me like that. buts thats just me maybe.

 

Example:

we fought about this one a few times... I told her I like my wife to text me while she is out. we have Internet, I pay her bill. dont text me all night I dont want or expect that but text me let me know you are okay. PROBLEM. she texts me at 9pm then the rest of the night nothing. not even a text hey I made it home. not cool with me. Again maybe its me? I dont know but for some reason when I am out with my buds, and I hear that song like our song maybe I want to call her. screw a text I phone my woman. but I dont get that from her. she says when she is out with her girlfiriends she doesnt want to be on the phone all night. yeah she exaggerates quite a bit. I dont want her texting me all night but I do feel like I am thrown to the trash when she is with her girls. but its cool I am really good at feeding what your dishing me. I can do that but I would rather not.

 

Some of this is me I am sure and I am a jealous person but I do think she is stuck in her ways.

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Brown...Catholic...if she's a Filipina, there's no divorce in Philippines. You need an annulment. No idea about that process, sorry, but you can Google.

 

Before getting it, why not try to be open to her about your thoughts? Tell her you want your old relationship back and you are thinking of leaving her this keeps up. See her reaction.

 

My 8-month LDR relationship before was the same as yours minus the marriage. Text and kisses every hour, need to say good morning, good night. Photos of food we're eating. Really connected. Truth be told, after 6 months, everything seems redundant and suffocating even though there's really love in the relationship. She's not really cold in my opinion, she's texting and calling you by her own will. She sounds bored to me. Things are getting repetitive.

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Without having to read this whole tedious story again, why aren't you living together? She is probably acting nicer because she knows you want to dissolve the marriage and so she'll string you along as long as necessary to get what she wants.

 

Find out through immigration what benefits she receives if she never moves to the US.

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This reeks of someone using you as a means to an end. You can either go along with it and get used and dumped or stand up to her and cut your losses, either way it's your choice.

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Why aren't you guys living together?

 

Seems to me that she is probably tired of the distance. Sometimes life can get taxing, busy and she knows you are there, so she doesn't have time to talk. Maybe she didn't want to tell you what she was doing with her mom because it is her mom's business. I don't know. Sounds really petty to me.

 

Get moving to her country. You married her, get to be w/your wife. All of the so-called issues you have sound EXTREMELY trivial. I would think that if you love her you wouldn't be moaning about who pays what bills because you have the long distance.

 

Only six months in and you want to give up? What was the real purpose of this wedding? Move to be w her. Fix whatever obstacles and get to her.

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