Marriage talk?

[Life'sGood]

I have known my boyfriend for about a year now, officially together for 6 months. I am 25 and he is 34. We talked about marriage and planned on getting married in 4-5 years time. However, I think the distance is taking a toll on him and he said to me the other day, "Maybe we should get married sooner than what we have planned".

 

I didn't know what to say. He is in the military so everything is more complicated. He is coming to meet my parents (it is important to me) this May. My parents know about him but they thought that I am not serious, I have never brought any boys home to meet my parents so when I take him home, they will know that it is serious.

 

We are both working adults. My question is, is 6 months too soon to be discussing about marriage? My last LTR was 7 years long and we have never discussed about marriage. What are the questions that I should cover when we talk about marriage??

 

I do want to get married but I don't know if it's the right thing to do or it's just convenient for us to see each other.

 

[CarrieT]

My question is' date=' is 6 months too soon to be discussing about marriage? [/quote']

Yes.

 

You two have a long-distance correspondence, at best. You should be with someone PHYSICALLY through all four seasons before you even consider marriage.

 

Right now, a major portion of your relationship is what you two are putting into with your minds; i.e., you are projecting what you want it to be when you two will be physically together, but there is no way that will pan out the way you are both imagining until you actually do it. In a sense, you are fantasizing the best possible outcome.

 

Wait until you can actually be in each others' presence for a full year before considering marriage.

[pteromom]

What are the questions that I should cover when we talk about marriage??

 

Questions and answers only give you so much info, because you tend to say what you think the other wants to hear. Sure, it's important to discuss things like - how many children you want; when you want them; what religion you want them raised in (if any); what your views are on sharing finances and housework; what your views are on each of your roles in a marriage; where you want to live. You have to make sure you are compatible in all those areas.

 

But what is going to give you the most info is actually LIVING together and spending time together. I would not go from a long-distance relationship to marriage.

 

I do want to get married but I don't know if it's the right thing to do or it's just convenient for us to see each other.

 

 

The fact that you don't know for sure answers your own question. Never walk down the aisle if you aren't 100% certain you are making the right choice.

[Life'sGood]

Yes.

You two have a long-distance correspondence, at best. You should be with someone PHYSICALLY through all four seasons before you even consider marriage.

 

Wait until you can actually be in each others' presence for a full year before considering marriage.

 

 

That is what I would like to do but it is kinda hard because we are both living in a different country, thousands of miles apart. I can only take 3 weeks leave at a time in a year at most (in which I will be spending with him) and the same goes to him.

 

We've discussed the basics, except financial, I don't dare to go there yet. I agree with four seasons, I want us to know about each other more before we plan on being REALLY committed to each other. I was speechless when he brought up the marriage topic because I did not expect that for another 2-3 years!

 

Yes.

The fact that you don't know for sure answers your own question. Never walk down the aisle if you aren't 100% certain you are making the right choice.

 

I am sure that it won't happen anytime soon, but given the circumstances, with all the paperwork and the permission that he will need to get just to get married, and not forgetting the paperwork for me to be there with him (we have agreed upon this), it will take months if not years.. should we be discussing about the marriage? eg. when will it be? next year, next 2 years? next 5 years?

 

I am not saying that I want to get married now, but is it too soon to be talking about marriage, what we need to do, what will happen after that?

 

He is in the military so he will get orders to go to places that we are not sure of and it might be hard for us to keep in contact not to mention deployment.

[FitChick]

You could marry and he could get deployed and you'd be apart so marriage doesn't solve that dilemma.

 

Nothing wrong with talking about marriage. Better to find out what he thinks and expects sooner rather than later in case you have different ideas.

 

Sounds like dealing with immigration as well as the Army would be mountains of red tape.

[Life'sGood]

You could marry and he could get deployed and you'd be apart so marriage doesn't solve that dilemma.

 

Nothing wrong with talking about marriage. Better to find out what he thinks and expects sooner rather than later in case you have different ideas.

 

Sounds like dealing with immigration as well as the Army would be mountains of red tape.

 

At first I am thinking, what is the point of getting married if we are to be separated when he gets deployed, then, I also think that since we're both in love with each other, why delay being together?

 

He's not in the army, he's in the Navy, which doesn't make it any easier. He brought this topic up first but if I don't want him to get the wrong idea of me wanting to rush into marriage if I talk about this more.

 

I guess talking about it is okay just so we know what we will be expecting, I just don't want him to think that I am rushing it although he's the one who brought the topic up.

[vicky9902]

Hello

This is a matter of great concern.It must be noted that Long Distance Relationships are only possible when you have full faith on your partner.. just confirm it and then proceed for any such condition.

[LDR234]

I was in your shoes not too long ago. I dated a military guy for over 2 yrs. we talked about marriage 4 to 5 years down the line when his military career takes him to a place where i can find a job easier with my degree. A few months ago, he comes visits me as planned for our wonderful week long "dates" that we have every few months. But a few days early to surprise me with a ring infront of my friends...I couldn't say no. I had planned a week of activities, paid for the plane tickets, everything but this....a few weeks later was when I found out about his financial issues and truly asking myself if I want to do the military life with him....I broke up with him a few weeks later...look at yourself a few years from now, do you know his spending habits? Where will your employer be? Will u be happy?....I wish u the best.

[HeavenOrHell]

How much time have you actually spend together in real life? You know, that quirky little concept of spending plenty of time with someone and getting to know them inside and out before you live with them or marry them

 

I seriously hope you're not talking marriage with someone you've not met.

 

If May is the first time you're meeting (?), then just see how things feel when you're actually with him.

 

Good luck, hope things work out.

[Ladybugz]

Im happy you ask this questions

 

That makes me think that you are not desperate.

But you like to think before you act.

 

And i think while you are getting to know each other is the best time to

start asking questions and talk about marriage ,kids, home stay mom, money, kids education, cheating, etc. Make shore both of you are on the same page before marry.

So both of you can see and know if you are on the same page to

keep the relationship going.

 

Otherwise you invest in something without knowing where its going and waste your time.

 

I think its god for you to find some Christian books about marriage. and read some of it.

And your partner 2.

Cause they have some great advice and values and gives you a idea of what it should be.

You can look for books of the writer Nancy van Pelt. Or another one. There are many books out there.

 

 

I think 6 mhnts is tooooo soon to get married. Cause its the honeymoon period like they call it.

So everyone is at their best and crazy inlove. Its when that feeling go away that you

will see what you are in. And if you really want to be with that person.

 

I dont know but i also advice you to go google or something to find out what it means

to date someone in the military.

Cause its different from dating someone that works in a office or something.

I dont know but i have the impression that it happen often that military people

know how it is to be military and so they try to create that safe home environment as soon

as possible so they can have a warm place(wife and kids) to come back to when they get back home.

And so they can have a something to fight to stay alive for while they are on a mission.

 

You say you dont see him that much? ANd you know him 6 mhnts?

So it sound to me that you dont really know him.

Cause to know you have to spent time together a lot and experience each other in different situations.

 

So maybe you should take it slow, and have a good look in what you are about to put yourself into.

And if you can handle it.

Cause many military people comes back with post-traumatic disorder etc.

Cause what they have been true is not normal.

Can you be a support for him, even if he comes back different as he was.

maybe less hugging and caring? etc.

 

Maybe its to soon for you to say yes cause you did not know him and experience him enough to build that kind of strong relationship etc.

Its not something you force yourself to do.

[Els]

What are his reasons for wanting the marriage so soon? Marriage in and of itself does not solve LDR issues (that you said are taking a toll on him). Is marriage your only way to close the distance?

 

IMO getting married to someone you've only been with for 6 months via a LDR, at 25 years old, is a pretty darn bad idea.

[Life'sGood]

What are his reasons for wanting the marriage so soon? Marriage in and of itself does not solve LDR issues (that you said are taking a toll on him). Is marriage your only way to close the distance?

 

IMO getting married to someone you've only been with for 6 months via a LDR, at 25 years old, is a pretty darn bad idea.

 

Elswyth, it's not that he wants to get married now and yes, the only way for us to close the distance is to get married. We've known each other for almost a year. I just think that maybe 6 months is too soon to talk about marriage, but then again, maybe we should start talking about it because if we were to get married, the paperwork could take months to years to be approved.

 

You say you dont see him that much? ANd you know him 6 mhnts?

So it sound to me that you dont really know him.

Cause to know you have to spent time together a lot and experience each other in different situations.

 

If May is the first time you're meeting (?), then just see how things feel when you're actually with him.

 

We see each other every 3-6 months, depending on his schedule. In total, we've been together physically 3 times, but we do talk EVERYDAY, even if it's just emails. There was once when we were in another country together that he was being called back because of his duty. There's nothing I can do about it and it hit me hard. so, out of 5 days, I only get to spend 2 wonderful days with him. I'll be flying to see him in April for 2 weeks and he will be flying here in Ma to meet my parents. I told him not to think about marriage yet before he meets my family because they are very important to me and it is important for my family to like him too.

 

About his spending habits, yes, I know about it. we do talk about our financial though not so much. It's getting better now because he knows what's his priorities, eg. me . It's different than when he was single.

 

I am quite relieved today when I asked him when is he planning to get married, and he don't have an answer to that question, which means, it's not soon and I have made it clear that I don't want to get married this year. I think, he is thinking that, next year, he will have to move to another command, not sure where but I think it will be VERY far from where I am and it will be harder for us to see each other.

 

Thank you all for answering my question/s. It really helps to get the support and another point of view.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's good you've met, sorry it wasn't clear from your first post whether you had or not, and it's good you're being cautious, you sound level headed

April will be here before you know it

I hope things work out for you

[amayana]

We talked about it fairly recently, even though it wasn't a serious discussion. I told my boyfriend if he asked me if I wanted to get married I'd probably say yes because it would be the easiest way to finish the distance early. And that's crazy. I'm glad I know that and I'm happy my boyfriend's rational about things like that too, especially because his parents are divorced and he's extremely careful about things like that. I mean marriage might be our golden ticket if neither of us get visas a different way but I don't think it's right even though we love each other dearly... Please don't rush into anything.

 

In my eyes maybe not the best idea to do if you haven't lived with your partner but if it's the only way for you to be together maybe it's something to consider as long as it's not simply out of convenience?

Edited February 7, 2013 by amayana

[Life'sGood]

In my eyes maybe not the best idea to do if you haven't lived with your partner but if it's the only way for you to be together maybe it's something to consider as long as it's not simply out of convenience?

 

I could try to get a tourist visa and IF approved, I can stay with him for a few months but that would mean I need to leave my job. I won't rush into marriage. If I were to get married, I want it to be for the right reasons and I want ot to be perfect

 

So, it is actually a good idea to be talking about marriage isn't it? So we know that we both are serious about each other and we know what we want from one another.

[Erica85]

I used to be in a similiar situation back a few years ago. I was dating/talking with this guy who lived in NC and I lived in Missouri for 3 months. Finally he flew me down to NC to meet him and I thought I was in love. We laid eyes on each other Feb 13th 2008. During the 3 months of our relationship (only by phone) we had talked about marriage. I told him I didnt know. When I went down there for the first time he proposed to me. Of course I said yes because I could of said I was in love. March 2008 came around I moved there and we got married. Two weeks after being married he deployed for 7 months. I was new in the area didnt know many of the wives and plus I was older then the other wives and had a 2 year old son. So I stayed near the base with no family or friends and kept to myself. Beginning of the deployment was great he called every other day and I felt truely happy. Well after 3 months into his deployment he had been not calling me or anything. Wouldnt email me or nothing. I was clueless on the deployment and I was very upset. But anyway it led to divorce.

 

Anyway, my advice is to wait. Please know what you are getting into before you even make any type of decisions. If you can, go stay with him for a week near the base get a feel of the military life. Three months I thought was long enough to get to know a person but its not. I at least say a year is good to get married. Or you guys could get married after deployment. Just whatever you dont do dont rush it. Take your time get to know each other a lil more even through deployments. People change

[Life'sGood]

Anyway, my advice is to wait. Please know what you are getting into before you even make any type of decisions. If you can, go stay with him for a week near the base get a feel of the military life. Three months I thought was long enough to get to know a person but its not. I at least say a year is good to get married. Or you guys could get married after deployment. Just whatever you dont do dont rush it. Take your time get to know each other a lil more even through deployments. People change

 

I am going to stay with him :love: between one to two weeks in where he is stationed now (he live off-base). I have not gone through deployment yet and you make a good point. Deployment won't be until at least next year though.. he does go away occasionally (which we still keep in contact via email). So constant communication is VERY important.

[LittleTiger]

Anyway, my advice is to wait. Please know what you are getting into before you even make any type of decisions. If you can, go stay with him for a week near the base get a feel of the military life. Three months I thought was long enough to get to know a person but its not. I at least say a year is good to get married. Or you guys could get married after deployment. Just whatever you dont do dont rush it. Take your time get to know each other a lil more even through deployments. People change

 

Great advice Erica.

 

Yes, people change but, in your case, you got married to someone you just didn't know - at all. Sorry it didn't work out - it was always a long shot.

 

In a LDR I would advise as much time together as possible before making any big decisions. It's much easier to miss important facets of someone's character when you haven't spent much time with them.

 

Avoid the "LDR bubble" scenario as much as you can. It's easy to be sweet and nice to someone when you only see them for the odd week or weekend. Unfortunately, in most relationships, LDR or not, you need to see how your partner responds under pressure and how they react when you are under pressure. You need to go through some tough times before you can be sure you have a chance at happily ever after.

 

There's nothing wrong with talking marriage early on, just be careful about committing too soon.

[Els]

Elswyth, it's not that he wants to get married now and yes, the only way for us to close the distance is to get married. We've known each other for almost a year. I just think that maybe 6 months is too soon to talk about marriage, but then again, maybe we should start talking about it because if we were to get married, the paperwork could take months to years to be approved.

 

I really, really hate how some countries require marriage in order for the two people to spend any significant amount of time together. That puts people in a bit of a Catch-22. You'd want to spend a lot of time together before you make a lifetime commitment to someone, obviously, but you can't do that without making the commitment first. WTF.

 

Rant aside, are you sure you two have reviewed all of the options? There are lots of other visas: working holiday visa, tourist visa, fiance visa, etc, depending on your country, that allow you to stay temporarily while filing the paperwork for the marriage bit. That would be ideal because you could both spend some significant time together IRL first and then talk about marriage after having done so, rather than putting the cart before the horse.

[Life'sGood]

I really, really hate how some countries require marriage in order for the two people to spend any significant amount of time together. That puts people in a bit of a Catch-22. You'd want to spend a lot of time together before you make a lifetime commitment to someone, obviously, but you can't do that without making the commitment first. WTF.

 

Rant aside, are you sure you two have reviewed all of the options? There are lots of other visas: working holiday visa, tourist visa, fiance visa, etc, depending on your country, that allow you to stay temporarily while filing the paperwork for the marriage bit. That would be ideal because you could both spend some significant time together IRL first and then talk about marriage after having done so, rather than putting the cart before the horse.

 

We are not getting married now. The more I think about this though the more frustrated I get. Next year he will be stationed somewhere else for 3-4 years and the chances of us meeting in a year will be thinner So this year, we can still go back and forth to see each other (depending on the financial) and next year, even if my tourist visa get approved (I have to fly to the west side of the country to get to the embassy), the airline tickets will cost 10 times more than what it will cost now. Our time difference is only 2 hours now, I don't know what will it be like when it's 12 hours difference!

 

I don't know how all of you do it. I commend each and everyone of you who are in or survived an LDR.

 

I think I am just afraid that this whole LDR thing will always be a honeymoon phase and then we will jump straight into LTR immediately after we close the distance.

[Life'sGood]

Scrap 12 hours. Make that 16 hours.

[amayana]

I could try to get a tourist visa and IF approved, I can stay with him for a few months but that would mean I need to leave my job. I won't rush into marriage. If I were to get married, I want it to be for the right reasons and I want ot to be perfect

 

So, it is actually a good idea to be talking about marriage isn't it? So we know that we both are serious about each other and we know what we want from one another.

 

I think it is a good idea, yes. I mean, why not? It's just talking about it and if you're in a serious relationship marriage will become an option at some point

[LittleTiger]

I think I am just afraid that this whole LDR thing will always be a honeymoon phase and then we will jump straight into LTR immediately after we close the distance.

 

 

I don't think you have to worry about remaining in the honeymoon phase whilst in an LDR provided you are very honest and open with each other. That means no pretence, no holds barred, no 'best behaviour' and nothing left unsaid. You don't really love someone until you really know them - good and bad!

 

 

Scrap 12 hours. Make that 16 hours.

 

12 hours difference is actually pretty good. The closer to 0, 12 or 24 the better. 16 won't be easy but you'll work it out.

[Els]

We are not getting married now. The more I think about this though the more frustrated I get. Next year he will be stationed somewhere else for 3-4 years and the chances of us meeting in a year will be thinner So this year, we can still go back and forth to see each other (depending on the financial) and next year, even if my tourist visa get approved (I have to fly to the west side of the country to get to the embassy), the airline tickets will cost 10 times more than what it will cost now. Our time difference is only 2 hours now, I don't know what will it be like when it's 12 hours difference!

 

I don't know how all of you do it. I commend each and everyone of you who are in or survived an LDR.

 

I think I am just afraid that this whole LDR thing will always be a honeymoon phase and then we will jump straight into LTR immediately after we close the distance.

 

Ah, okay, I get what you mean. I do agree that in LDRs people do often skip a step - instead of getting that casual dating phase where you just see each other a couple times a week, no investment, etc, you usually have to jump straight into a more committed sort of relationship IRL if you want it to work. Like LittleTiger said, though, LDRs aren't a 'honeymoon phase'. Far from it.

 

I won't lie, I do wish we had the chance to do casual dating before our committed R, as is the normal progression for most couples. But we've made it work. And I did the 'normal progression' bit with an ex... wasn't all it was hyped up to be, and in fact it fell through because he wasn't even willing to put in enough effort to make a ITR work! At least if you've been through an LDR, you know 'effort' isn't something that either of you shies away from.

 

Chin up.

 

Scrap 12 hours. Make that 16 hours.

 

Hey, a 16 hour difference is essentially an 8 hour difference. Better than 12.

[Life'sGood]

Thank you all for responding! It really does help to know what others have been through. I think the best way to go through it is to just go with the flow and look on the brighter side