LDR boyfriend developed feelings for another girl

[unknown249]

Hi guys, I initially put this on break ups but maybe thought it was more suited to here.

 

I was with my boyfriend for 3.5 years, for 1.5 of those it was a long distance relationship as I have been at university, 4 hours away from where we live. Although it was difficult, we both coped very well with the distance - we saw each other every other week and skyped/texted every day.

 

In September, my boyfriend started a new full-time job (he was at university the previous year, during my first year away). Things again were difficult, but we managed and realized how much we loved each other.

 

However, two weeks ago my boyfriend unexpectedly told me he no longer felt he was in love with me, that things had changed for him and he didn't feel the same anymore. This came as a huge shock to me, I was home for Christmas and everything seemed fine. He told me these feelings started around three months ago (November time), but he thought they would get better and they didn't. But it was his birthday the following week, and although we sort of broke up/sort of didn't, we agreed to wait and see how that weekend would go, when I could come home.

 

Anyway, I went back for the weekend. Friday night was awful - I tried to force him to make a decision about what he wanted to do, and he said he didn't know. His mind kept changing every minute. In the end I tried to leave his car but he wouldn't let me, he pulled me back and wouldn't let me go. After a very emotional evening we both decided to make the most of the weekend and enjoy it, as it was his birthday. And it was lovely.

 

I left to come back to uni on the Monday. We both agreed we would talk more regularly, see how things go, and he said he started to feel better about us. But the whole situation got much worse on Wednesday, when I saw in his inbox a load of emails from a girl he worked with. They were telling each other they missed each other, adored each other and couldn't wait to kiss each other, they were arranging plans for Valentines day and he was telling her his heart swells when he thinks of her - heartbreaking. Turns out this had been going on since the two weeks he told me he lost the love for me.

 

I confronted him about the emails asking him whether he was ever going to tell me. He said he knew it was going to be over between us, but he didn't want me to ever know he liked another girl whilst he was with me, so wasn't going to say. I was so angry with him, for lying, cheating - I did not expect that from him at all. I also asked about her on his birthday weekend, as I saw he was sending her a lot of messages then on his phone - but I couldn't see what they were. I asked him if he had feelings for her and he said no, that 'she was just going through a lot of trouble and she was a good friend so what else could he do?' -- why didn't he tell me he liked her then??

 

I spoke to some people and was advised to send him a goodbye message, to get the closure I need. It was such a nice message; I told him how I didn't blame him, the situation was completely against us, I could not give him what he needed whilst I was away, so of course it was going to be inevitable. And he replied saying he was really going to miss me, and he still loved me even if it's not in the way I want it to be, and also that he really didn't want to lose me in his life so hoped we could be friends in the future. We called for a short time after and we were both in tears, it was horrible. It felt like it wasn't right for us to break up, I am unsure whether he knew he was making the right decision. I asked him if it's definitely what he wants, and his response was "I think so, it's best, for now".

 

So anyway we hung up, and I haven't spoken to him since. I really wonder what was going through his head with this other girl - has he really got over me that quickly and is falling for her? He was working with her for months so could that have made feelings grow? Or is she just a rebound for him? Was he really going to end it with me, or did he feel like it had to be that way just because I found the emails? Was he wanting to try for us?

 

Part of me really finds it hard to believe that if he knew he was going to dump me, he wouldn't have found it so difficult that Friday in the car. If he knew he could have finished it so easily, I gave him so many chances to be honest and he wasn't.

 

It is also so hard to stop the contact, we spoke for every day for 3.5 years, but I am staying strong.

 

Thank you for any replies - been in a mess this last couple weeks.

[czen]

It sounds like he is realy confused himself. I think he felt that he lost 'in love feeling' for you, even though he still loved you, but he started hanging out with this girl from his work and that he then started to get feelings for her.

 

And those feelings for her made him doubt his relationship with you even more. But breaking up is always hard, especially when you've been together for so long. It's ilke saying goodbye to a part of yourself. So when he saw you go, his instinct told him to get you back, which he did. Of course, that doesn't mean his doubts disappeared, he just wasn't ready to lose you yet.

 

I think he doesn't know what he feels for this new girl either, if what he feels for her is real, if he just sees her as a friend, or if she's just a rebound. My personal guess would be she will just become his rebound if they get it on.

 

He definitely isn't over you yet, he wouldn't have stopped you from leaving or started crying over the phone. He is having a hard time too. I think he just isn't sure about the relationship anymore. I'm not condoning his emotional cheating on you in any way, but that's how I think he is feeling it.

 

So to sum things up, he loves you, isn't 'in love' with you, got some kind of feelings for this other girl and all of this made him feel like he should break up He just had a really hard time pulling the trigger, because you mean so much to him. But deep down he knows for the best. And only time will tell if he thinks he made the right choice.

 

That's my two cents anyway.

[unknown249]

Thank you for your reply

 

I feel the distance was the main factor in us drifting apart, and that girl was someone available for him to project his loneliness and stresses on. I hope it is this anyway- the thought of him actually having romantic feelings for her without it being a rebound is the worst.

 

I wonder what the chances are of him regretting his decision? I do feel though that while I am here at uni for another 1.5 years he won't want to try again. And by that time I may have moved on anyway.

[czen]

It's most likely just a rebound, even if he doesn't realize it himself yet.

 

And only time will tell if he will regret it, it depends on how he will experience life without you. Will he enjoy the freedom, or will he miss always having someone who listens to him, understands him and knowing there is someone out there who he is the world to?

 

It also depends on how strong your relationship was. If it really was great, he might feel sorry about the break-up sooner. If it was more like that film, '500 Days of Summer' where the one reflects upon the relationship and finally finds out he missed a lot of things which showed his girlfriend actually started to become more distant and uneasy in the relationship, then the chance will be a lot lower. So just think about how good the relationship really was for him, and that should give you an idea.

 

Anyways, maybe he really just needs time to sort things out and come to realize breaking up was a big mistake. But you can't sit there and wait for it to happen. Just leave him be, let him find out for himself and you can move on with your own life as well. If he wants to come back, he will. If not, he won't.

[unknown249]

Yeah. I have completely cut contact a couple days ago and hopefully won't revert. I hope I'm strong enough not to.

 

We were really good together - we never had one argument in the three and a half years and we were really well matched. We always told each other how much we loved one another, it just came as a complete shock to be honest.

 

I just feel like a fool, like part of me feels like he and this girl planned to be together, waiting for him to dump me. That hurts and upsets me more than anything.

 

Thank you for your replies though. Keeping talking on here is stopping the temptation to break NC

[czen]

Never an argument? Damn, I would kinda get bored then because of the lack of conflict, but okay, that's just me.

 

And don't feel like a fool, I'm sure he preferred to not have this feeling and just be happy in a relationship with you. Like he said, he still loves you, he just isn't sure enough at this point in his life. He still sees you as a great woman, the fault lies with him and he knows that too. He didn't pick that one girl over you or anything, it has more to do with him questioning if this ldr with you is something he really wants right now. It's no one's fault in the end, he's probably just as confused as you are, but he just needs to to have time to igure out what he wants.

 

So try to fight the negative emotions, stay strong and focus on grieving and focusing on yourself and the things you like. Don't wait for him to return, just make the most out of your own life. You'll manage just fine, I know it.

[unknown249]

Thank you, I'm sure I'll cope fine too. Got through 3 days NC now so hopefully it gets easier from here oh don't get me wrong, we had little tiffs but nothing at all hefty enough to break up over or really argue about, just small little healthy things which we made up about within a few minutes.

 

I heard today from one of his family members who asked if I'm okay. She said that he took Thursday and Friday off work and that he's not shaven and become a bit unkempt...that's probably normal though after a break up right? I just feel it was his choice and decision so surely it should be me who is more cut up about it? Is he just upset because he got found out though? May be sadistic but I am glad he's not coping too well lol.

 

time to focus on myself now

[czen]

Yep, that's normal. At least I kinda went like that after every break-up which hurt me so it shows it hurts him too. At least you can take comfort out of that.

 

And it's normal to feel a bit glad about that, it would be pretty awful if he was just all happy after the break-up, that would show he didn't care about it.