fobsrus Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 hi everyone, i was reading a few threads on this forum and i was impressed by all the great advice that was given to everyone in a long distance relationship here. so, i thought i would share my own LDR story here and hopefully some of you could provide your thoughts / advice / anything at all. here it goes... i've been in a relationship for a little over 2 years now with an amazing girl i met in new york city during graduate school (i should also add that we are both 25 years old). at the time, she was (and actually still is) a phd student while i was a masters student. i finished my masters and applied to graduate school and my best offers were all on the west coast, so last summer i moved to san francisco to start school. at the time, i was very overwhelmed with my grad school decision and as much as i hate to admit, i was paying more attention to my future career than my SO. when i first started school, i visited my family on the east coast a couple of times as i was homesick, and i also visited my SO during these trips. we weren't officially dating since she felt burned by my choice to move to california, but we were talking everyday by text / phone / skype. we also tried to see other people during this time. but after heading back to california, i had a crisis of faith and called my SO to see if there was any chance at making an LDR work since we were in an amazing relationship during my time in new york city and i wasn't yet ready to give her up. after a few talks, we decided to give it a try and we have been seeing each other about once a month for the past 5 months. i've also looked into the option of transferring to a graduate school on the east coast closer to my SO. i do have a few problems though... she is currently in a graduate program that won't be over for at least another year, and there is no concrete end date in sight. she is also not yet sure that she wants to move to california, since most of her friends and family are on the east coast. at the same time, we both agree that my professional relationships with my bosses and colleagues would be hurt if i transferred graduate programs. i also like my current life on the west coast a lot. she is also very concerned that if i move back to the east coast for her, all the pressure will be on her to make our relationship work and she is currently unsure if she sees a long term future with me (i.e. marriage). i know we're both madly in love with each other, but there are a lot of obstacles in our path. i realize that if i do move back it would be for her, and i don't want to put that kind of pressure on our relationship. i feel like that would be very unfair to her. at the same time, i feel like doing a long distance relationship across the entire USA with no real end in sight is simply unsustainable. at times, i'm really filled with nothing but regret and i wish i could go back in time and make a better decision. this is probably the most stressful thing i've ever been through...does anyone have any advice for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 ".....my best offers were all on the west coast" Uh better decision? Not sure i understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fobsrus Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 i'm just a little regretful. what i meant by better decision was to go to graduate school closer to her so that we could stay together and not have to deal with any of this. that being said, it was always hard to date her when i was in NYC knowing that i would eventually have to leave...it's like our relationship had an expiration date. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I caught the part about a program closer but best option is what it is. Not having any idea what her PhD field is, my thought is next up postdoc. You mentioned "bosses" so must have already entered a career path and returned to grad school? we both agree that my professional relationships with my bosses and colleagues would be hurt if i transferred graduate programs. I think I'd focus my pondering on likelihood of career destination coming to fruition in same city. How's that data looking? How long is your program? If we may ask her age range? Maybe 24? 25? I think you have more options than you think you do. Keep talking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fobsrus Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 hi balzac - i think a postdoc is a little far in the future. she would have to finish her phd first, which might take up to 1.5 years. and what i meany by "bosses" was that i don't want to jeopardize any of the relationships i've made with superiors in my program by leaving to another program. i've also just started my phd, so i'm in this for the long haul...about 5 years myself. also, we are both 25 years old. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Ok so we've got a more detailed scene now. Interesting that you state she's looking @1.5y then normal postdoc timeline. So if you're jumping into 5y it actually looks to be that her postdoc search may best be Left Coast. Try out your culture, climate etc. PhD lifestyle can be rather flexible but I understand research demands. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) What concerns me fobsrus, is the compromising of your professional growth for this relationship that isn't neccessarily headed toward something long-lasting. That stood out at me ("she is currently unsure if she sees a long term future with me (i.e. marriage)"). You would be giving up a location and lifestyle in California that you're enjoying "a lot" good standing with your professors and colleagues (possibly) the best program offered you So, what exactly would she be putting on the table were you to move back? In what way is she stepping into the vulnerability? This need not be a tit-for-tat situation, but the sacrifices all seem to be coming from your side. Might the desire to move back and be with her be partially fueled by homesickness? I'm sure she's a great girl but you seem to have made solid decisions regarding your career that you're now second-guessing--and for someone who isn't sure she sees you as a future husband. Edited January 27, 2013 by cerridwen Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Are you in the same field? Met in your dept? I do think it helps to talk these things out here. She seems to have grabbed your heart. Twentyish is young to maintain but it's not all about long distance and dual appointments in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fobsrus Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 we are in similar fields, but a transfer on her side is not possible (and she is not willing to do this). we did meet in the same department though. this is my problem - i agree when you ask what she is bringing to the table. i do feel like many sacrifices are being made on my end. however, didn't i sort of screw up when i decided not to remain close to her? and also, how do you know when a risk is worth taking? how do you know when you meet someone who is worth making a sacrifice for? my SO clearly has taken a huge step by agreeing to try out an LDR, and i have a lot of respect for her to be committed to it. is that enough on her end to justify moving back and transferring programs to be with her? i just can't tell if this is a risk worth taking... Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 she is currently unsure if she sees a long term future with me (i.e. marriage). Crucial part above. The commitments which you are considering are due for something life altering. If at this point she does not know that she could end up being you're life partner of some form, then you should carefully evaluate the worth of overthrowing your current set up, which you seem to be very ok with (apart from the LDR). How do you feel about a life partnership with her? all the best Link to post Share on other sites
Author fobsrus Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 i would like a life partnership with her, but this is not something i want to rush into myself. there are still a lot of challenges that i can see us needing to deal with before something like marriage happens. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I totally get this. I'm in a similar situation. I am not overthrowing my whole set up. It has to be long distance in my/our case for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fobsrus Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 umirano - it's reassuring to know others are in similar situations, especially since it's so easy to feel alone in a LDR. Link to post Share on other sites
Blebly Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 From the few sentences you've written here , I can only generalise and tell you that your "long term" relationship is pretty much over. Yes , you "screwed up" relationship wise when you went to the west coast and screwed her over (kinda) and that's probably why she says she has no long term plans with u etc. I mean , it seems both of you guys have priorities greater than the relationship , that being said , yours diminish it more than hers (You value your career more , she values her friends/family) , if you truly love someone you will think how/what can you do to be close® to them for as long as possible , there is no chance in hell you can be "overwhelmed" and forget about SO haha I think you've already made your decision about this relationship and unless something magically happens , that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fobsrus Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 i get where you're coming from, but i don't understand why we would do an LDR if our relationship is ultimately "over," as you say... Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 So, are you regretting asking her to try a LDR with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fobsrus Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 no, i don't feel bad about it. it was a mutual decision more than anything. i feel bad about not having a good way to end the LDR and going back to "normal", but i guess that's how life is. Link to post Share on other sites
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