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This may be long but I need some advice and opinions, please.

 

With this girl, its a LDR, but we arent exclusive, which worries me. Anyways, we have seen each other twice, both times weve seen each other, we have spent the weekend with each other. First weekend she came out to me, and we had sex. Im the second guy she has ever been, in that aspect. We are both in our mid 20s (23 and 24). We then see each other 5 weeks later, last weekend, and had sex a bunch over the weekend. Girl is amazing. We talk pretty much all day every day, and I know im special to her bc she has given herself to me that much, sexually, which isnt easy for her.

 

What i have come here to ask is this: She has guy friends, which i absolutely dont mind. But she has 1 in particular that worries me. When we first started talking, I mean, within the first week, I asked her about the guy in her facebook pictures. Guy as his arms around her in pictures, etc etc. We were skyping when I asked her about him. She smiled BIG, and said that everyone thinks they are together, but they are just really good friends. She said "if something was to happen, it would have happened already" That phrase has been embedded in my head ever since (been 3 months). Seems to me that she wanted something to happen, but it never did. I dont know.

 

ANyways, she talks and sees this guy a lot. Im just worried that since hes there for her whenever she needs someone in person, that something may develop between them. They have been friends and have been close for idk, maybe 2 years or so, but im worried. There have been a few warning signs/red flags that I have noticed, but I havent really thought much about it.

 

Warning signs I have noticed:

 

1. When we spent the weekend together this past weekend, she had a lock on her phone. Ive never noticed she has a lock on her phone before.

2. We were in bed, and she was leaning up at the foot of the bed texting, and I leaned up for a second to hug her, and she quickly closed her phone. May have been a coincidence, idk.

3. I went with her to a job interview that weekend, and she was texting the entire time I took her out on a break until her next meeting. She wasnt even paying attention to me. She was so involved in texting, that it was as if I wasnt there.

 

I have no problem with her being close friends with a guy, I dont. I just dont want my heart to be played with and be toyed around, getting more and more attached to her, only to have her end up with this guy. I dont want to ask her about him, bc I dont want to come off as jealous, non trusting, etc etc. But at the same time, I do. I want to know where they stand.

 

She has told me on numerous occasions that she "never wants to hurt me or disappoint me. That she only wants to make me happy."

 

Does the guy a woman is having sex with, (she hasnt been with many men, im the second). have any power and true meaning, as far as her interested in other guys? Im sure it does, but like i said, Im worried. Would a woman who has only been with one other guy, still have sex and want to see me, and talk to me all day every day, minus a few hours when she is out, if she was interested in someone else? She spent over $1000 to come with me to a family vacation, meaning she is meeting my entire family, for a week. She will be getting close with them.

 

I have so many thoughts about this scenario, and I just want other peoples thoughts and opinions. Thank you.

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You said you aren't exclusive, so what's the big deal? Why don't you just have an honest conversation and voice your concerns. Beyond the wondering whether there is another guy sniffing around, I'd call her on her rudeness with the whole texting thing.

 

You can get a bunch of opinions here, but the answer lies with the girl. Talk to her.

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You said you aren't exclusive, so what's the big deal? Why don't you just have an honest conversation and voice your concerns. Beyond the wondering whether there is another guy sniffing around, I'd call her on her rudeness with the whole texting thing.

 

You can get a bunch of opinions here, but the answer lies with the girl. Talk to her.

 

I want to talk to her about it, believe me, I do, but I dont want to come across as controlling, obsessive, non trusting, jealous, etc etc. I dont know a good, calm, easy way to go about this. Im just confused...and worried

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I want to talk to her about it, believe me, I do, but I dont want to come across as controlling, obsessive, non trusting, jealous, etc etc. I dont know a good, calm, easy way to go about this. Im just confused...and worried

 

 

I don't think you need to come off as "controlling", non-trusting", "jealous" to get to the bottom of this. Just start the conversation something like this. Hey, I've noticed you are spending quite a bit of time texting others when we're together. I like texting as much as the next guy, but I came all this way to spend time with you. See, I like you, and want to spend quality time for the few short days we have. I think it's more than a little rude and I'm pretty sure you'd feel the same way if the situation was reversed. You don't have to say this in an angry way. Just be calm and work it into a conversation.

 

If she gets upset, then well, she's just a bi-tch, and I'd dump her. Odds are she does have something else going on and you're out of a f'd up situation.

 

Question: You say you're not exclusive, do you date others? Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with this girl? Have you discussed boundaries for your relationship? She might just consider you a FWB/FB. Sounds like you like her a bit more than she likes you.

 

Sorry, that was more than one question...

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I don't think you need to come off as "controlling", non-trusting", "jealous" to get to the bottom of this. Just start the conversation something like this. Hey, I've noticed you are spending quite a bit of time texting others when we're together. I like texting as much as the next guy, but I came all this way to spend time with you. See, I like you, and want to spend quality time for the few short days we have. I think it's more than a little rude and I'm pretty sure you'd feel the same way if the situation was reversed. You don't have to say this in an angry way. Just be calm and work it into a conversation.

 

If she gets upset, then well, she's just a bi-tch, and I'd dump her. Odds are she does have something else going on and you're out of a f'd up situation.

 

Question: You say you're not exclusive, do you date others? Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with this girl? Have you discussed boundaries for your relationship? She might just consider you a FWB/FB. Sounds like you like her a bit more than she likes you.

 

Sorry, that was more than one question...

 

The texting doesnt bother me as much as the fact that she spends a lot of time with this guy. Like I said, tonight is the 3rd night in a row. She sent me a text saying "Thinking of you always" but is away from her phone from anywhere from 20 mins- hour. I dont know if shes alone with this guy in the city, or with other people. I have no clue.

 

Its really weird, to be honest. This girl has commitment issues. She has a really bad past relationship, that lasted 4 years, and I know that still haunts her. Ive brought up that I wanted to know that we were exclusive, and it really freaked her out. She said I came off possessive. It was a bad day/night for us, because she doesnt like that. I want to be in an exclusive relationship, no doubt. I dont have any other interests in any other girls, and Ive 100% put all my eggs in her basket, so to speak. Im afraid that since we arent exclusive, that she will feel like she can hook up or whatever you wanna call it, with this guy she is close with, and not feel guilty. But this girl is not the type of girl to have a FWB. I know she isnt. We have talked multiple times about how she thinks that girls who just sleep with guys just to sleep with them, dont have respect for themselves. Im not debating the fact that I mean something special to her, Im just worried that there is another guy in the picture, thats all.

 

And do you really think she would pay over a grand to come with me to a vacation to meet my entire family for a week? Its such a confusing situation. I dont know what to do, im lost, confused, and worried.

Edited by migdaddy
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The texting doesnt bother me as much as the fact that she spends a lot of time with this guy. Like I said, tonight is the 3rd night in a row. She sent me a text saying "Always thinking of you, but is away from her phone from anywhere from 20 mins- hour.

 

Its really weird, to be honest. This girl has commitment issues. She has a really bad past relationship, that lasted 4 years, and I know that still haunts her. Ive brought up that I wanted to know that we were exclusive, and it really freaked her out. It was a bad day/night for us, because she doesnt like that. I want to be in an exclusive relationship, no doubt. I dont have any other interests in any other girls, and Ive 100% put all my eggs in her basket, so to speak. Im afraid that since we arent exclusive, that she will feel like she can hook up or whatever you wanna call it, with this guy she is close with, and not feel guilty. Yet, do you really think she would pay over a grand to come with me to a vacation to meet my entire family for a week? Its such a confusing situation. I dont know what to do, im lost, confused, and worried.

 

This girl has issues. You know it. You sound like a rescuer and want to hang in there and "fix" her. I would bet this guy shes spending all this time with is either a.) in a relationship or b.) is really just her friend. I would bet, that he wants no relationship with her, and that is really appealing to her. See people with commitment/intimacy issues seek out unavailable people. It's like a game. But for people like her, once she has him, she won't want him anymore.

 

The appeal to you is that you live far away. You are no threat to her life and you can't get too close, because of your physical distance.

 

If it were me, I'd detach, back off, date others. And I'd be honest with her too.

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This girl has issues. You know it. You sound like a rescuer and want to hang in there and "fix" her. I would bet this guy shes spending all this time with is either a.) in a relationship or b.) is really just her friend. I would bet, that he wants no relationship with her, and that is really appealing to her. See people with commitment/intimacy issues seek out unavailable people. It's like a game. But for people like her, once she has him, she won't want him anymore.

 

The appeal to you is that you live far away. You are no threat to her life and you can't get too close, because of your physical distance.

 

If it were me, I'd detach, back off, date others. And I'd be honest with her too.

 

Hmmm. thats very interesting. I never thought of it like that. I wouldnt go as far as saying this girl as "issues" I would just say she has commitment issues. Shes afraid, and she doesnt want to be tied down to one person yet. I understand that, but im hoping that in due time, that will change. This guy is single, Im damn sure of it. I have so many tiny little instances that raise semi red flags for me. I wanna just go with the flow, and continue with her, and see what happens. But the problem I have run into, is she kind of consumes my life. Its not good. She has her own life outside of me, and I have consumed everything around her. I have never been like this before with any other girl, but I got so attached so quickly, and the fact that she gave herself to me, sexually, so quick, really got me even more attached. But, I am a constant worrier. I constantly worry about her being interested in this guy. Idk. Im lost......

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"but is away from her phone from anywhere from 20 mins- hour. I dont know if shes alone with this guy in the city, or with other people. I have no clue."

 

And this sounds a bit needy on your part. I'm away from my phone for 20 minutes to an hour too. That's not unrealistic. Maybe she's having dinner, or at a movie, or a club, etc.

 

Women don't like needy men. We like strong, independent, men. You don't sound cut out for an LDR.

 

I don't mean that to be snarky to you. You sound like a nice man, but, maybe date women in your zip code.

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When she spent her whole break texting someone else...while you just sat there after coming to spend the weekend or whatever with her...why didn't you ask "who are you texting?"

 

Why haven't you asked her to be your girlfriend yet? That could segue into a conversation about boundaries with the opposite sex...

 

Personally I don't date guys who are bff with girls..for this very situation that you are in.

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When she spent her whole break texting someone else...while you just sat there after coming to spend the weekend or whatever with her...why didn't you ask "who are you texting?"

 

Why haven't you asked her to be your girlfriend yet? That could segue into a conversation about boundaries with the opposite sex...

 

Personally I don't date guys who are bff with girls..for this very situation that you are in.

 

I asked her what we are. She said we are "companions". I dont ****in know. I want boundaries, but im afraid that will push her away, but IM afraid im setting myself up by getting hurt.

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Hmmm. thats very interesting. I never thought of it like that. I wouldnt go as far as saying this girl as "issues" I would just say she has commitment issues. Shes afraid, and she doesnt want to be tied down to one person yet. I understand that, but im hoping that in due time, that will change. This guy is single, Im damn sure of it. I have so many tiny little instances that raise semi red flags for me. I wanna just go with the flow, and continue with her, and see what happens. But the problem I have run into, is she kind of consumes my life. Its not good. She has her own life outside of me, and I have consumed everything around her. I have never been like this before with any other girl, but I got so attached so quickly, and the fact that she gave herself to me, sexually, so quick, really got me even more attached. But, I am a constant worrier. I constantly worry about her being interested in this guy. Idk. Im lost......

 

Sweetie, you're not "lost," you're young, and quite possibly in love or in lust with her. You're more than a bit obsessed. You're 24, this is the best time in your life. It's your time to date, have sex, explore, figure out what you'd eventually like to settle down with and perhaps marry one day.

 

Get out there and find a girl who is open to all that you want. Who isn't afraid of a relationship, who can be exclusive, as that sounds like what you want.

 

Or.... Waste your time wondering what she's up to, someone you don't trust.

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Sweetie, you're not "lost," you're young, and quite possibly in love or in lust with her. You're more than a bit obsessed. You're 24, this is the best time in your life. It's your time to date, have sex, explore, figure out what you'd eventually like to settle down with and perhaps marry one day.

 

Get out there and find a girl who is open to all that you want. Who isn't afraid of a relationship, who can be exclusive, as that sounds like what you want.

 

Or.... Waste your time wondering what she's up to, someone you don't trust.

 

Definitely in lust/love with her. No question about it. Im afraid of getting my heart broken by her, to be honest. Im afraid. I truly am. Every time I see her, I become more and more in lust/love with her, and every day i talk to her, i become more and attached. I have never had these feelings for any girl/woman in my entire life. No doubt about it.

 

I wanna ask her about this guy. I do. But I dont want it come off wrong. Whats the best way to ask her? We are planning on Skyping tonight, and I wanna ask her over Skype. But im afraid of pushing her away and making her think im jealous and that I dont trust her. Whats the best way to ask her about this guy?

 

And another question. Does a caring woman admit that she is seeing another guy? Is this something that girls do? Or does it vary on girl to girl? Do most girl hide this, and continue to play with the other man's heart, while seeing the guy closer to her? Or does the guilt finally add up and they cave in?

Edited by migdaddy
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Hmm.

 

First, You need not tiptoe around this issue. What you need to do is put your concerns/cards on the table. Tell her how you feel about her. Then tell her what you want. Tell her that you want an exclusive/adult relationship with her. Tell her, that your intuition tells you there may be more going on with her "friend" and ask her if there is anything she'd like to share with you. Encourage her to be honest. Tell her you want more than to be her FB or FWB or "companion."

 

You have every right to ask for the things you want. Of course she could reject you, that's a real possibility. But still, don't you think it's better to find out now, instead of 6 months or a year from now, when you are even more invested. Be prepared if she tells you she doesn't want anything more than what you have now. And by prepared, I mean figure out what you're going to say to that. Please don't settle. Stay calm, don't get angry, just lay out what you want and are willing to accept.

 

With relationships, you have to ask for what you want, or you won't get it.

 

Good luck.

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And another question. Does a caring woman admit that she is seeing another guy? Is this something that girls do? Or does it vary on girl to girl? Do most girl hide this, and continue to play with the other man's heart, while seeing the guy closer to her? Or does the guilt finally add up and they cave in?

 

Yes, a caring woman most certainly admits she is seeing someone else. That gives the other person the knowledge to accept or walk away.

 

I can't speak for "most girls" but there are certainly men and women who are dishonest, who cheat, who lie.

 

But, you really need to hash out your relationship status with her. She called you her "companion," which doesn't sound like she rates you as a boyfriend.

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I asked her what she meant by "companions" and I brought up the fact that I wanted an exclusive relationship with her, and I want to know that im the only guy shes seeing, because shes the only girl im seeing. She said "are you really asking me this right now? What are you concerned about?'' She said she didnt mean anything by saying we are companions. It was really really weird.

 

It was a bad few hours. I had to convince her I wasnt concerned with anything, that i didnt need a label on things, and that I was happy with the way things are going. Blah blah blah, which to be honest, is not true. Im not happy with the unknown. I want an exclusive relationship, but if I ever bring that up to her again, she will run away, no doubt about. 100%. I promised her that I would never bring that up again, and that I trust her etc etc etc.

 

But im fooling myself. She always wants me to be 100% honest and open with her, and I am for the most part, besides this issue. I am honestly afraid if I ask her about this guy, that she will see me as un trusting and jealous and that will be the end of it. But, if she gets defensive, like I think she will, then that will say she is hiding something from me right? I would honestly just like to know if this guy is more than a friend, if she interested in him, etc etc, and just know, vs constantly wondering what if. I mean, its coming on 2 hours since I have last heard from her. That very very very uncommon. She usually messages me every 30 mins or so. Idk. Im so damn confused,and to be honest, im sort of freaking out. I have never ever been like this. Never.

Edited by migdaddy
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I asked her what she meant by "companions" and I brought up the fact that I wanted an exclusive relationship with her, and I want to know that im the only guy shes seeing, because shes the only girl im seeing. She said "are you really asking me this right now? What are you concerned about?'' She said she didnt mean anything by saying we are companions. It was really really weird.

 

It was a bad few hours. I had to convince her I wasnt concerned with anything, that i didnt need a label on things, and that I was happy with the way things are going. Blah blah blah, which to be honest, is not true. Im not happy with the unknown. I want an exclusive relationship, but if I ever bring that up to her again, she will run away, no doubt about. 100%. I promised her that I would never bring that up again, and that I trust her etc etc etc.

 

But im fooling myself. She always wants me to be 100% honest and open with her, and I am for the most part, besides this issue. I am honestly afraid if I ask her about this guy, that she will see me as un trusting and jealous and that will be the end of it. But, if she gets defensive, like I think she will, then that will say she is hiding something from me right? I would honestly just like to know if this guy is more than a friend, if she interested in him, etc etc, and just know, vs constantly wondering what if. I mean, its coming on 2 hours since I have last heard from her. That very very very uncommon. She usually messages me every 30 mins or so. Idk. Im so damn confused.

 

She's telling you that she doesn't want anything more from you than what you have. She's telling you that she doesn't have any intention of being exclusive with you. She's telling you that the price of admission to be with her is for you to accept all her crap, that she will do whatever she pleases (up to and including her f'ing some other dude), that she doesn't respect you or care what you want, because its all about her.

 

You need to end this or accept that you are semi-dating a girl, not a woman. A selfish little girl.

 

You said it yourself, that this isn't what you want, that you want an exclusive relationship. Please don't settle for this, it will end in heartbreak. And it will be your heart that is broken.

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She's telling you that she doesn't want anything more from you than what you have. She's telling you that she doesn't have any intention of being exclusive with you. She's telling you that the price of admission to be with her is for you to accept all her crap, that she will do whatever she pleases (up to and including her f'ing some other dude), that she doesn't respect you or care what you want, because its all about her.

 

You need to end this or accept that you are semi-dating a girl, not a woman. A selfish little girl.

 

You said it yourself, that this isn't what you want, that you want an exclusive relationship. Please don't settle for this, it will end in heartbreak. And it will be your heart that is broken.

 

Damn... :( I dont know what to say....

 

So by her saying "I never want to upset or hurt you, and I just want to make you happy" and that she is coming with me to a family vacation for a week, means nothing?

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Damn... :( I dont know what to say....

 

So by her saying "I never want to upset or hurt you, and I just want to make you happy" and that she is coming with me to a family vacation for a week, means nothing?

 

Is she upsetting you? Is she hurting you? Of course she is, and she knows it. And all those things are just words. Don't listen to her words, believe her actions.

 

She may be biding her time to go on that vacation. Just a thought. Is it somewhere tropical? Hell, I'll go! ;-)

Edited by wisernow
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Is she upsetting you? Is she hurting you? Of course she is, and she knows it. And all those things are just words. Don't listen to her words, believe her actions.

 

She may be biding her time to go on that vacation. Just a thought. Is it somewhere tropical? Hell, I'll go! ;-)

 

It is tropical, yes. Im so ****ing hurt right now. I dont know how Im gonna be able to be normal on Skype tonight. I knew that I would get attached to another woman, only to be ****ed over again. Its been the story of my life. I have always just been the nice guy that women take advantage of, and use. Im so over it.

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It is tropical, yes. Im so ****ing hurt right now. I dont know how Im gonna be able to be normal on Skype tonight. I knew that I would get attached to another woman, only to be ****ed over again. Its been the story of my life. I have always just been the nice guy that women take advantage of, and use. Im so over it.

 

I'm so sorry. Why not NOT do the Skype tonight. Go somewhere. Leave your phone at home, call some friends and do something. Blow her off.

 

My heart breaks for you. I have a son who is just a few years older than you, and all the advice I've given you, I'd have given him. You're going to be fine, I promise. There are a lot of women who truly appreciate a "nice" guy, and seek them out. Just don't settle for people who treat you like crap. You are worth more than that.

 

Again, No Skype tonight. Go, get out of the house!!

 

I hope I've helped some. I know some of what I said wasn't easy to hear, but I think you needed to hear it.

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It honestly seems like she is being extra nice right now.

 

"thinking of you always"

"I cant wait to skype with you"

"3 weeks until vacation with you"

 

wtfffff....

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Read through this entire threat and have to agree with everything wisernow said... It seems to me that this girl wants completely different things than you do and that is a definite dealbreaker. You want exclusivity and she obviously doesn't, so the best thing for you to do is get away from her as fast as you can before she hurts you even more. Good luck with everything! You deserve better than this

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It honestly seems like she is being extra nice right now.

 

"thinking of you always"

"I cant wait to skype with you"

"3 weeks until vacation with you"

 

wtfffff....

 

Don't fall for it. You know who she is.

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Hi migdaddy,

 

You just need to show her you're a man. If you bend to her needs like that she will lose respect for you. Nothing is more demeaning than a woman/girl losing respect for you.

 

The message you're sending is exactly: do what you want with me, I'll always stick around no matter what, you can slap me, whip me, I will just wave my tail...

 

So first thing first: act like a man. Be smarter (than her). If she hides her phone, you ask her: "don't you trust me? You know we can share anything. Or do you have anything to hide? Just tell me." She then can go with "No I have nothing to hide", but then say that you should believe her without having to check on her like that. She might even say that she likes her privacy... You could even suggest a switching phones day. Sounds fun. But very unlikely to ever happen with her.

 

Ask her how far would she be willing to go for you, not meant geographically... Ask her if she has feelings for this other guy she's very attached to. If she ever dreamed of being with him. If he's in her friends zone, then nothing to worry about, maybe she was texting him about you, who knows.

 

I might be wrong but no girl head over heels in love and getting to be with their boyfriend just for a few days would waste their time texting another guy, leaving the boyfriend without attention... Something smells fishy.

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