Possible Break from LDR?

[wryth]

Hiya all, Im new to this whole thing so Ill tell you my story as fast as I can then ask for advice if anyone has anything helpful I'd love to hear it.

 

I've been seeing this girl. I went of Australia for a working holiday and we met soon after I landed. We had a couple of dates and it was like a fairy tale( trust me If i told you about our first kiss you'd not believe me). She moved city for uni but kept in contact and really liked me she told me she cant wait to see me again. I moved city to her and got a new job everything was great and we made it official.

 

After 7 months I wanted to go back to the Uk to see my family as this would be the first time everyone was together for years and some older members of the family may not be to any other Christmas's i'm afraid to say. My original plan was to go back straight away after Xmas, but she said she wanted to see where I was from and my family and friends, I agree'd. Everyone we knew was jealous about how well we were suited and openly said I hope I find what you guys have someday, No arguments, only fun and being truly open and in love.

 

Since then she has made excuse after excuse about not coming over. She never really texts or calls people but does do it for me a bit more ( a few messages a day, or a call and a skype per week) . She picked it up for a week or two got super excited about seeing me here and looked up flights hotels and things to do, I was stunned and so happy. She then said that she's afraid if she comes over or if I come back "that'll be it." I took this as a fear of commitment. Her personality type would definitely be 'free spirit' but I've thought and thought about trying to convince her how our relationship won't have changed and i'm just as relaxed and in love with her as when we were physically together.

 

Over the past week she has spoken to me less and less and sounds sad all the time. A big part of it is money she's a student and at the moment i'm in-between jobs. I've done everything, sold possessions i've had for years. Even made a website to help us but I have only got little amounts from it (Save our love.. - Home, you can see pictures of us there).

 

She mentioned a break before to see how it goes but I always thought a break just means you want to see others guilt free. But i've changed my mind and think maybe time apart with NO contact at all may be necessary to maybe shock her into remembering how good we are together and that I'm the same loving guy she knows. However it could backfire as she isn't a very good communicator with technology and that's the only means of communication we have.

 

So this brings me to the point of this thread. Should I suggest a break, should it be ongoing or timed ( like a few weeks ) And how will I go about doing it and then recovering the relationship.

 

I really want this to work but I've got a mature head on me and don't want to keep being anxious and stressed about this, I need to think of myself too. Even though we're so well suited ( If this were Match.com we'd be 100%) we may just have to call it off as she seems afraid of the relationship going all the way, which I don't mind in several years but no where near now.

 

So I would love to continue to be her boyfriend and her my girlfriend but I know I may have to end it. Is a break the best way to see if shes still keen on us?

 

I tried to keep it as short as I could there honestly lol. Thanks for reading and any feedback or opinions would be well valued.

[umirano]

Hey Chris, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I know how it is.

 

As per your questions, I suggest you find out where you stand and what she wants. Breaks in the sense of a RS being put on hold... I don't know, I have never really seen this working, and I highly doubt they do. So either you're together or you're not. Find out what she means by 'being on a break' and what she tries to achieve by doing that.

 

What do you mean by 'she isn't a very good communicator with technology'? I'm sure she knows how to write an e-mail or send a text? And if money is the issue, most universities provide free internet access for their students, so her being a student should enable her to communicate with you.

 

But I feel you are not happy with the quantity(?) or quality(?) of communication that's taking place. Did you tell her? What did she say?

 

And in the end, it's true, for LDRs to succeed you need money, they are costly. And generally having a job does the trick, so that's really the way to go. But even if you're not in an LDR, getting a job usually improves anybody's life. Good luck for that!

[umirano]

She then said that she's afraid if she comes over or if I come back "that'll be it." I took this as a fear of commitment. Her personality type would definitely be 'free spirit' but I've thought and thought about trying to convince her how our relationship won't have changed and i'm just as relaxed and in love with her as when we were physically together.

 

Did you convince her that it will not 'be it'?

 

Over the past week she has spoken to me less and less and sounds sad all the time.

What exactly is she sad about?

 

maybe time apart with NO contact at all may be necessary to maybe shock her into remembering how good we are together and that I'm the same loving guy she knows.

You hardly convince her of you being a loving guy if you go NC. But I agree, she may start to miss you more once communication breaks down completely.

 

So this brings me to the point of this thread. Should I suggest a break, should it be ongoing or timed ( like a few weeks ) And how will I go about doing it and then recovering the relationship.

I don't think highly of timed breaks. If you don't feel loved anymore or that the RS isn't going anywhere and that there's no hope, then I think you should just break up for good with her. But you can explain why you break up with her, and that you do see a future together, but that communication has to improve, and that more frequent visits are necessary.

 

I really want this to work but I've got a mature head on me and don't want to keep being anxious and stressed about this, I need to think of myself too. Even though we're so well suited ( If this were Match.com we'd be 100%) we may just have to call it off as she seems afraid of the relationship going all the way, which I don't mind in several years but no where near now.

I don't understand that last part. What exactly do you not have a problem with?

 

So I would love to continue to be her boyfriend and her my girlfriend but I know I may have to end it. Is a break the best way to see if shes still keen on us?

No, a break up frees you of a RS that is damaging you. You should make clear to her what you need to be happy in a RS. If she can't do that for you (or you for her) then it's better for both of you to break up.

 

I'd just tell her what you told us. Nothing bad in that. Organize your thoughts and get her on the phone.

 

Let her know how you feel about her (you want to be her boyfriend, you love her as much as you always did), but that you feel bad about the relationship (communication, visits) and possibly what concrete changes you want (don't e-mail if you can afford a phone call).

 

best,

umirano

Edited January 25, 2013 by umirano
orthography

[wryth]

Fantastic reply, some solid advice there. Thanks very much. I will contact her and think about what I've put forward there and some suggestions you gave me after the weekend ( Busy time for both of us). I'll report back and let everyone know how it goes.

 

Thanks,

Chris

[justwhoiam]

Hi Chris,

 

we should never generalise... but anyway, I agree with umirano.

 

If you ask for a break, it will most likely turn against you. You can talk about it, but if you make it effective, then be prepared to her not coming back anymore.

 

Also, if she's such a free spirit, she might be very proud (I know the kind...). That's a reason more for her to not look back. She will do that, but probably will not admit it.

[wryth]

So we had a long phone call ( at 3 am my time grim) she said she had been out and upset that we cant see each other so was flirty with guys, no cheating just flirty. I said i appreciated her honesty.

 

But I went onto her Facebook page recently and she has made her relationship status invisible. I don't know if this was to let people think she's available or she's ashamed of us but Its making me strongly go towards a break up, one of the more upsetting things, and we just finished a skype and thought we were starting to make progress, actually thought we were going to be al right.

[umirano]

I'm sorry man, it doesn't look too good. Your only currency is transparency and honesty. She's doing quite well so far, but that might be because she doesn't panic yet. Have you brought up the break up? As soon as you do she might blame you for not trusting the relationship and pull up smoke screens. So be careful that she keeps the honesty and transparency up. That FB incident is an amber flag at least.

 

I was having a different issue with my girl a few months back. But I found that telling her several times in no uncertain terms that I prefer us breaking up before anyone cheats worked quite well. She came around every time and vamped up her efforts for the relationship.

 

Like your girl my GF is pretty outgoing, confident and all that. But she's young, not sure about your girl, they certainly are decent, but not all of them fully understood (yet) that honesty works quite well in general. No one is forced to be in a RS, just let's not waste each others time and let's not hurt each other needlessly. It's ok to break up a RS that doesn't yield emotional satisfaction, and I guess a 16k and some km LDR with no prospect of visits qualifies here. Get her to understand this, and you should be fine. She will tell you and not hurt you. Anyone can understand this.

 

Good luck to you, and please come back and let us know how things go.

[wryth]

Okay,

So we talked on the phone and she seemed angry at me but also really upset. I told her that I still wanted her to be my girlfriend but things can't go on the way they are its unhealthy, both of us are having the same problems so it makes sense to be mature and talk them over.

 

Now she is in the middle of leaving her house and living in a friends place for a week until she moves back to sydney, so she is extremely stressed which exacerbates her already anxious/stressed mind.

 

Half way through the conversation she mentioned she was watching pride and prejudice and remarked ' this is the way relationships should be'. I'm taking all this as a sign that she still is in love with me but she can't keep feeling bad all the time. She actually suggested not talking for a while which I agree'd to and asked her to think about what she wants and then a course of action to get that. Either how to make us work or if she really doesn't see it working any more.

 

I still want to see her so I may need to drop everything here and move to Sydney, problem is I need a few thousand dollars for flights visas and a bit of rent/food money. Not all doom and gloom as I'm hoping to do a lil bit of medical research for a quick cash boost. If not I may try and get a small loan.

 

So I can kind of relax for a few days and think about what i want. My best friend is in Canada at the moment so it's hard to seek advice from those near and dear.

[TaraMaiden]

You know.... when an arm needs amputating, doctors don't cut it off a little bit at a time....

Or if you have a plaster you need to remove, one quick movement hurts a bit - but a lot less, and for a lot less time than easing it off, millimetre by millimetre....

or waxing. Ladies will tell you, wax is applied, then a strip - and then it's removed in one quick sharp jerk, not slowly and meticulously, which is utter agony....

Do you get where I'm going with this....?

 

You need to break up - but to be completely honest?

She wants you to do it.

And you need to orchestrate it quickly, promptly and with as little 'dragging it out' as possible.

You two are on the other side of the world from each other - and things just are the way they are.

 

There's no such thing as a 'break'.

 

What....? How long for?

Do we stay exclusive, or can we date other people? (Looks as if she's already taken care of that one, bud.... )

 

Does dating include sex?

When do we discuss when the break will be over?

And what happens then?

 

Invariably, it just moves from 'break' to 'break-up'.

 

So I really hate to say it, hun, but I'd just cut to the chase and twll her unless she can commit, then you'll give her what she wants, and give her the opportunity, here - and now - to tell you it's over, and to beak up with you.

 

Make her do it.

Because right now, she's waiting for you to do the deed.

And that's unfair, because she's the one bent on ending it.

Not you.

[umirano]

Getting a loan to see her? That's madness, in my book. She's having serious commitment issues. I understand that people take a loan to see their grandmother at the other end of the world, or for the marriage of their daughter, if their culture forces them to throw a huge wedding. I don't condone it though. But taking a loan to see a long distance GF at the stage you guys are? Nope, I wouldn't do it.