Queenie42 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Hi all, been going out with Boyfriend for a year now and we've never encountered a hitch or hindrance yet. But this week he's being interviewed for a truly amazing job which would require him to move to the other side of the country (and we live in a BIG country). Nothing's definite yet, but of course I've already started worrying. Well, as you can imagine, part of me wants him to go, part of me wants to go with him, a very mean and selfish part which I'm trying to ignore wants him to stay, and part wishes they'd offer me a job too. But no part of me wants us to break up. I realised this is the sort of situation which will require a lot of deep thought and discussion... And then I realised, I've never had a serious conversation about anything in my entire life. I know, I've been a lucky SOB, but it means I'm feeling desperately unprepared for this very grown up sort of decision-making which is looming. So I'm looking for a little help. I'm hoping some of you good folks could give some words of wisdom to a couple new to this sort of thing. How do we set up a long distance relationship? Should there be some kind of an expiry date? Is it worth going with him even though I won't have the same prospects? Or is it better to stay where I am or even just to break it off? Thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
UStoUK Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I have personally been in a long distance relationship for almost 4yrs. I'll start by telling you it's not easy, but if you have love for him and you guys have trust each other completely it can work. If you care for him you want nothing more then his happiness, and building a better career for himself can very well be that. If you have the means to go with him, why not? You need to ask yourself how much he means to you and what your willing to do for him. Try stepping out of your comfort zone and doing the one thing that your most nervous about whether it be the long distance or moving with him. The one thing you don't want to do is tell him not to go if that what he wants. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 a BIG Country? as in Russia, China, the USA, Canada, India, Australia, Brazil etc...? lots of big countries in this world. However, judging by certain word choices I'd say Australia or Canada (since you type like a Brit. lol). Anyway, that was off topic. Is your BF moving to a big city, or a small town? If it is a big city you always have job prospects. However, if it is a small town you may not. What is your gut trully telling you? I know it is not telling you to leave him, so don't. I'd say try to do the LDR thing, and when he moves to this new place you start looking for a job there, and planning your move over there. That is your best bet. If you rush into it and move with him, with no job it becomes a burden to him to pay for everything. However, if you wait a few months to a year and try to find a job there and being to pack he'd be more receptive to you moving. Now how do you bring it up? simple, just talk to him about the move and ask him where he sees the relationship going. Lol. Not Rocket Surgery! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Wait until (and if) he gets a job offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queenie42 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 Thanks guys, you've given me a good idea of what I could be getting myself into! UStoUK - Wow, 4 years is such a wonderful achievement, happy for you! We've never been apart for more than 3 weeks, so the idea of being away from each other for very long is a bit daunting to me. I do love him. There's no way I'm going to ask him to stay here if he's offered the job. We're both fresh out of university so this is the big chance for him to start his career and I wouldn't dare get in the way of that. Not gonna lie, since we're both in the same field I'm a little jealous of him! Will - Haha you got me We're in Australia, which is a little smaller than the USA but even so coast to coast is about 4000km (2500mi). So even just popping over for a weekend visit is gonna be tricky. I think you've got the right idea. I've got some savings, so I'd be able to move out now if it came to that but I'd rather be sure of having an income once I got there. I'd insist on paying my half of everything regardless but it's not good to eat into savings too much. So if I had a little time to secure a job over there before plunging in it would be best. FitChick - Yes, I'll wait until there's more certainty before we freak out about all the what-ifs. Haven't seen him this week so we haven't had a chance to talk with him about it at all. I will ask him if he'd take the job if they offer it, just to be sure we're on the same page. I mean, he'd be crazy not to, but both of us still live with our respective families at the moment, so this is major comfort-zone stretching stuff. We'll find out soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Hal_TX Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Hi all, been going out with Boyfriend for a year now and we've never encountered a hitch or hindrance yet. But this week he's being interviewed for a truly amazing job which would require him to move to the other side of the country (and we live in a BIG country). Nothing's definite yet, but of course I've already started worrying. Well, as you can imagine, part of me wants him to go, part of me wants to go with him, a very mean and selfish part which I'm trying to ignore wants him to stay, and part wishes they'd offer me a job too. But no part of me wants us to break up. I realised this is the sort of situation which will require a lot of deep thought and discussion... And then I realised, I've never had a serious conversation about anything in my entire life. I know, I've been a lucky SOB, but it means I'm feeling desperately unprepared for this very grown up sort of decision-making which is looming. So I'm looking for a little help. I'm hoping some of you good folks could give some words of wisdom to a couple new to this sort of thing. How do we set up a long distance relationship? Should there be some kind of an expiry date? Is it worth going with him even though I won't have the same prospects? Or is it better to stay where I am or even just to break it off? Thanks in advance LDR don't work. If you love him then go with him. You only live once. Are you going to choose a better salary over love? I wouldn't. Always choose love. Link to post Share on other sites
allenpo123 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 LDR don't work. If you love him then go with him. You only live once. Are you going to choose a better salary over love? I wouldn't. Always choose love. I think the job isn't just about the salary right? It might also mean you get to take your career to another level, and that is very very important. Love is great, it's rare to find real love. But just take a minute and think about what's best FOR YOU and FOR HIM. I believe that a relationship can only work when two people are both very enthusiastic about their own goal, and they encourage each other to achieve that goal. If I were in your shoes, I would want him to be happy and successful, even if it means we'll be apart. You need to think about what YOU want too, I know you don't want him to leave, but hey, at least you're still in the SAME country. You should feel blessed. LDRs aren't that hard, you just need to put a little more effort than normal ones. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be... Let me know if you need any advice Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queenie42 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 You folks are the best, thanks for your replies! I've been flexing my fingers for an update. The main news is that Boyfriend and I had a brief chat about this the other day. He's not sure if he wants to take the job if it's offered to him, or do another year of university first. I'll get back to this issue in a few lines. Valhen, absolutely I agree. I don't really want an LDR but at the same time it's not fair to break up if we still love each other. Hal, yep LDR is definitely not ideal. But it wouldn't be a permanent (or even long-term) arrangement if we can help it. If he moves out on his own, you bet I'll follow and catch up with him as soon as I can. It looks like I'll be doing an extra year of university before I'm a great candidate for a great job. In the extreme scenario, the longest we'd have to be apart would be a little under a year. Or I could move out pretty much any time before then, get a transfer with my current employers and do uni through the distance education program. We've got plenty of options, right now it's just a matter of deciding what we want to do and figuring out how best to do it. Allenpo, since he's a bit torn re job vs uni, I told him when we had our chat to first decide what he wants to do for himself (while I decide what I want for myself) and then we can figure it all out as a couple. As I said, we're both in the same field so our career goals are pretty similar, it's just that he's a bit ahead of me as far as qualifications and experience go. This cross-country move is inevitable, since it's where all the good jobs are, it's just that he gets a head start if he wants it. And if he doesn't want it now, then we can move out together around this time next year. Either way, I'm gonna stick with him for as long as he'll have me Link to post Share on other sites
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